Dealing with the loss of a friend, and exclusion- LONG

How do you help your child deal with the loss of a friend? What do you say? What strategies do you use to help them cope with their feelings?

What things would you say or do to encourage/help your child find new friends?

How do you convey the changing nature of relationships- that sometimes friends drift apart, sometimes they reunite, and sometimes they don't?

How do you help children understand the levels of intimacy in friendships, and how they differ (acquaintances, vs. fair weather friends, vs. confidants, vs soul mates, etc.)?

How do you help your child recognize a healthy friendship, versus and unhealthy friendship?

How do you handle seeing the lost friend, potentially with their new friend?

What do you do when your child's sibling is the "new" friend?

How do you deal help your child deal with subtle and direct exclusion- be it age based, gender based, etc.?

My child, Mary is 7 3/4. She has been friends with John, who is days shy of 6, since they were babies. John does not live in the same state as us, but he is the immediate neighbor of my mom, Grandma Sally, whom we visit frequently. Sally is also John's babysitter.

Forever, John and Mary insisted they were "best friends", and boyfriend/girlfriend. They bought gifts for each other on holidays and birthdays. We'd take them places together. John has been/is invited to all of our family gatherings, special occasions, etc., and we are frequently invited to his family's gatherings, & special occasions. Mary was always given a place of honor, and the bulk of his time and attention at these gatherings. Whenever we visit, Mary and John would play for hours. They call each other on the telephone, and John was always asking Sally when Mary was coming to visit. On the days we were expected, John would watch for us to arrive, and the minute we got out of the car, begin asking to play with Mary.

My other child, Michael, is 5 1/3. John and Michael have known each other since Michael was born.

Starting at the end of last summer, 2005, John (then 5) began wanting to spend more time with Michael (then 4), and has excluded my DD, Mary, more and more. John will ask if only Michael can come play, or will bring out snacks and treats, but only for Michael. John and Michael will say things to hurt Mary, and try to drive her away.

We've tried only allowing Michael to go to John's but that leaves me dealing with a sobbing Mary, and a crying 3 yo Jane, my other DD, who just loves John, and who John has played with in the past, though not as much as he has played with Mary or Michael. Michael will come home with tales of the fun he had with John, and the problem is exacerbated. I admit, Michael has also teased Mary about the fact that John doesn't like her anymore, she isn't allowed over, etc. We have been dealing with that as well.

We've tried not allowing any of the kids to play together for a while, which results in a crying John, a crying Mary, a crying Michael, a crying Jane, and an aggravated Sally, who doesn't want to hear all of these crying kids in her house.

We allowed them to speak to each other & play through the fence, and not be physically in the same yard, which results in the same exclusion of Mary and Jane (snacks for Michael only, hurtful words, etc.)

Now, when we attempt to have the 3 of them (John, Mary and Michael) play together, it starts out ok, but then John and Michael begin to play games that they will not let Mary play at all. John will tell Mary that she can't play with certain toys, or be certain places, and then will allow Michael to use the toys or be in the places. Sometimes, they will lock Mary out of a room they are playing in. There has been more an more squabbling, The last time we saw John, hurtful words were exchanged, and John and Mary actually came to blows (I am still not clear on how this happened, as they were at John's house, and John's mom, and my DH were supposed to be supervising.). The kids are NOT allowed to play with each other again, in any combination, or talk to each other through the fence (don't know HOW we are going to accomplish that) until we can come up with a solution.

I do not like how John, and Michael are acting, but the gender exclusion, as much as a I hate it, is age appropriate behavior. Some of the other behaviors stemming from the playmate gender preference are TOTALLY unacceptable, age appropriate or not. And the adults involved do NOT agree on how to unravel the mess or deal with the various behaviors in part, or as a whole.

This is causing massive tension and discord between Sally, myself, my DH, and John's parents.

Next weekend is Easter. We traditionally dye eggs at Grandma Sally's on Saturday, and then have our Easter egg hunt on Sunday morning. Sally always invites John. This year, she invited John, and the other immediate neighbor children, James (3) and Tom (1), as well.

I need a short term, and a long term, solution for dealing with this problem.

Do just I abstain from going to my mother's (Grandma Sally) home? I feel like I am depriving my children of their family, their tradition, and Michael of his friend, if I do, but it seems like the best solution right now.

Thanks for reading this far.