[ProtoLawyer]

How come the universe seems to accept normal life as, well, normal in a non-blended/step/divorced situation, but in a blended/step/divorced situation, it's obviously because someone is being selfish or deadbeat or...

SD got invited, last week, to a birthday party this week.

We have plans and have had plans for several weeks--my out-of-town cousins are passing through on their way to Minnesota, and we're going to have lunch and hang out for a few hours. SD has never met them and is looking forward to it (there are two kids, including a baby girl, and she LOVES babies). So it's not like this is at all reschedulable (not that I think we should shuffle our life around a birthday party, but it's not like it's lunch with my hour-away parents who could do it Saturday or Sunday, or one out of 16 weeks of swimming lessons).

This is a normal situation that would have presented itself in a nuclear family (well, except that they're my cousins, and I'm the evil stepmother, but you know what I mean--family visits happen).

But we're getting crap from SD's mom AND my partner's stepmother about SD missing out on normal kid activities because her dad chose to move 70 miles from her mom.

Um, what? She wouldn't be attending this party if they lived next door to each other, because we (and that includes *she*) made plans weeks ago and we don't bail on plans--especially plans made weeks ago with out-of-town people we rarely see--because something at a Bouncy Place pops up.

Sigh...do we ever get to stop fighting the universe?

 

[debmac69]

I feel for you!

I totally know where you are coming from & we went through this countless times when my stepsons were younger.

We would get them on a Friday evening and at the time of drop off/pick up would be told that one of the kids had a birthday party the next day and could we please pick up a gift for the party!

It's kind of a different scenerio with the same results. Just breath and know that your decision to take your stepchild to a gathering that was planned before the introduction of the party is perfectly okay. The truth of the matter is that it's your time with your stepchild to spend together.

It does get better when they get older and the birthday parties kind of stop. At that point you get to negotiate with your stepchild regarding plans that they've made that they don't tell you about until the day of the event! My stepson is 16 years old now & my husband went to pick him up after school the other day...caught him on his cell phone like 5 minutes away from his mom's house and was told by my stepson that he was just too tired and had too much homework to come over that night! It's an hour of my husband's time to pick my stepson up and bring him to our house.

Go figure.

 

[ProtoLawyer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by debmac69 It does get better when they get older and the birthday parties kind of stop. At that point you get to negotiate with your stepchild regarding plans that they've made that they don't tell you about until the day of the event! Go figure.

Yeah, I know this placement schedule will probably not work once SD gets older and might have school sports/activities/job/friends to deal with. We may just have to institute notice requirements (SD has picked up a lot of my legalese; maybe this will stick).

 

[greenemami]

I hear you. It feels like we constantly need to rearrange our lives just to "look good" b/c clearly we couldn't have actual reasons why we can't do everything! Good for you for not giving in and rushing around to make it work somehow (which would result in nobody but dsd's mom being happy, I am sure!) It is so true that in an intact family, it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

[aricha]

Just try to let it roll off of you... your family's time is your family's time, and no one is missing out because of a custody schedule, they are making a choice about what they want to do. Blended family, divorced family, intact family, foster family... we all make choices about what we do, and clearly you would have made this choice if both options had been on the table at the same time. Shrug, smile, and move on... The zen of step-parenting

 

[ProtoLawyer]

And...another invitation is coming, this time for the day of my graduation. My ceremony's at 6 in the evening (this is the fun ceremony with food and individual recognition), this party's at 3 in the afternoon, again 70 miles away. Apparently, SD was WAILING last night at not being able to go (her mom cut this one off at the pass for her, knowing that the graduation was that night--thank you for being the bad guy, SD's mom!).

SD's paternal grandparents, who SD adores, are coming in from 1,000 miles away, so I'm sure once they get here, it'll be fine.

Again, not a blended/divorced thing, except this time, if we did live closer we may be able to swing it (but maybe not, with her grandparents coming in--and even then, it'd be cutting it REAL close)...it's just a fact of life.

(On a completely unrelated note, whatever happened to the birthday party at home, with cake and ice cream and maybe a few games or a piñata? SD's wanting a Pump it Up party; we usually do something small out here for her friends here and would like to keep it that way. Her mom can't afford Pump it Up and is asking for contributions from us, which we really don't want to give. Sigh.)

 

[greenemami]

I'm glad that dsd's mom was the "bad guy" this tim. I'm sure it will be just fine and she will have fun at your party and be very proud of you!

I totally hear you on the bday parties-dsd has yet to attend a birthday party anywhere other than a bouncy gym, indoor playground, etc. for any of the kids in her class. I never had anything other than family bday parties to begin with, with the very rare friends party at my house with cake and icecream and maybe a sleepover when I got older, so it was all a whole new level for me!

 

[aricha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer (On a completely unrelated note, whatever happened to the birthday party at home, with cake and ice cream and maybe a few games or a piñata?

One of our favorite things about trading Los Angeles for laid-back Vermont was the change from the catered, bouncy-house, magician/balloon-animal-guy/entertainer, DJ, rented hall/tent, $1000 birthday party to the home birthday party with sandboxes, bubbles, and homemade cake. We rebelled against the LA kids' party scene and opted for the at-home party while we were there, but it is so nice to be somewhere that this is the norm and not the odd-ball exception.

 

[Smithie]

I wish your SD's two households were not 70 miles away from each other.

Is there any way that a different visitation schedule could be worked out so that she is a little less back-and-forthed and not constantly missing things? I know you guys just found a house, which is awesome, so obviously you're not moving and I'm presuming that SD's mother is also not interested in moving. Does SD already spend all summer with you?

(I make my kids miss birthday parties, too, don't get me wrong. But it is obviously more fraught in a blended family situation. And so many times EOW seems like the worst of all possible worlds - not enough time to really feel at home in the secondary house, but often enough where the kid is constantly saying "no, I can't come, I have to go to my Dad's." Fun vs. Dad is a crappy dichotomy.)

 

[ProtoLawyer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie I wish your SD's two households were not 70 miles away from each other. Is there any way that a different visitation schedule could be worked out so that she is a little less back-and-forthed and not constantly missing things? I know you guys just found a house, which is awesome, so obviously you're not moving and I'm presuming that SD's mother is also not interested in moving. Does SD already spend all summer with you? (I make my kids miss birthday parties, too, don't get me wrong. But it is obviously more fraught in a blended family situation. And so many times EOW seems like the worst of all possible worlds - not enough time to really feel at home in the secondary house, but often enough where the kid is constantly saying "no, I can't come, I have to go to my Dad's." Fun vs. Dad is a crappy dichotomy.)

Right now, a different schedule won't work due to SD's mom's work schedule (she works Saturdays--EOW would result in leaving SD with a sitter all day, which is costly and kind of nonsensical), and we do accommodate plenty of things--including parties, school events, etc. My partner's been to every parent-teacher conference and school performance. She went to a Saturday afternoon party a few weeks ago--my partner drove her out, dropped her off, did some homework during the party, picked her up, had dinner with Mom, left SD with Mom for a rare Sunday together (we don't worry about ad hoc changes--they work themselves out over time), and came home.

My partner is not the type of person who would refuse to let his daughter attend things just because they're during "his" weekend--if she ends up going on a girl scout camping trip a few years from now, he'll let her go, and he'll see her the following week. (Of course, by then, who knows...maybe her mom's sister will be getting married that weekend and she'll miss the trip to go out of town for that.)

It's just everything is kind of happening at once this time around. She's missing this weekend's party due to a preexisting conflict that would occur no matter where she lived, and May's party due to graduation and grandparents, which would also exist, but might be more doable (with a LOT of rushing around and hoping to make it on time) locally.

SD's here weekdays during the summer, and weekends (which are actually Sunday and Monday, again due to the work schedule) with Mom. She may consider moving here--she likes this city, but since my partner moved here first (to get his bachelors degree and have hopes of getting a job--their old city is a university town where people with Masters degrees drove cabs, even before this recession), she would be following him and allowing him to dictate her life (her words). or 150 miles from here (which she can do without permission), if she gets a better job...she wants to move back to her hometown (thousands of miles from here) but my partner won't let her go with their daughter, without a fight she can't afford.

If we didn't get the house, we still couldn't move due to my job (well, we could, if I wanted a 1.5-2-hour commute each way). Only 25% of my classmates have post-graduation jobs (and some of those have deferred-to-2010 start dates)--normally the figure is closer to 65% by graduation. It's ugly out there. Employment prospects for graduates of my law school are MUCH better here than in the other city (due to competing law schools).

It's actually worked decently--my partner and his ex have been able to establish boundaries much better than they could back when they were living down the block, and they've discovered they get along much better when they're not physically proximate. SD does like this better than going for two weeks at a time without seeing the other parent (which will happen occasionally for travel)--it's not ideal, and if they did live nearby it would be more 50/50, but it seems to work.

And, aricha--We live in Wisconsin, and it's *still* bad with the expensive parties, especially in SD's mom's city. (But I hear you on LA. Some of my other cousins live in LA, though--my uncle spent on my two cousins' bat mitvahs what I am spending on my house...not the down payment, the entire house. Each bat mitvah cost more than I've ever made in a year.)

I suppose I'm kinda touchy this week--closing on the house, trying to graduate and move and entertain the in-laws and and and...

:

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Oh I sooo feel for you!!

Remember a few months back when my DSD got invited to a party the day of the baby shower which also had a lot of spotlight on her for becoming a big sister? I am very happy to see you have gotten more support here than I did. lol Very valid point where it would be a non-issue in a "normal" family.

Oh! And I totally agree about the big elaborate parties. Not looking forward to that whole thing... :/ I'm not a fan of these total themed expensive parties and DSD's Mom goes over the top every year... I still am not sure how to handle that in the future so DD doesn't get totally jealous that we don't do the same for her.

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Your DSD gets invited to a lot of parties! I think my DSD has only gone to two this year that weren't for family members. Sometimes things come up, and sometimes family events have to take priority. That's just the way it is.

Sometimes the birthday parties at places other than home are done for practical reasons. DS has a winter birthday, and if we are still living here when he starts having friend parties, we will have to have them somewhere else. More than four kids in this apartment is just way too many. And that threshold is pretty much hit by the kids who live here. If he had a summer birthday, we could do a park, but in February in MN, we are more limited. One of DH's cousin's has always had her DD's party at some other location. It took me years to figure out that she was doing it that way because their house is tiny and the birthday is in January.

Also, I know that when kids are in blended families, sometimes they are done outside the home to keep things in a neutral location. Not all parents that share custody can effectively party-plan together, and having a party at, say Pump It Up takes the planning out of it. We've had the last two parties at DSD's mom's house, and I know that DH is starting to feel a little weird about that. We divide things up, but she gets to do a lot of of the party tasks because it is her house. So we might do something at a place other than someone's hom this year for DSD.

All of that being said, I hate the way parties at those places feel (Jump on things? Check. Cake? Check. Presents? Check. Generic goody bags? Check.). And the price is insane. Hence why I've been already wondering what the heck we are going to do for DS's birthday party 2-3 years from now.

 

[Smithie]

"she would be following him and allowing him to dictate her life (her words). or 150 miles from here (which she can do without permission), if she gets a better job...she wants to move back to her hometown (thousands of miles from here) but my partner won't let her go with their daughter, without a fight she can't afford."

Honestly, I can't imagine moving to the city my ex and his new wife had chosen, either. 150 miles wouldn't be far enough! (And conversely, you guys shouldn't be expected to move closer to her, particularly since a decrease in proximity has led to an increase in productive discourse between the two parents).

So your dsd comes EVERY weekend to your house? I really think that's going to be a problem in the coming years - Dad vs. Fun all. the. freaking. time. Not to mention soccer games, plays, etc. She's going to wind up having any extracurricular that's important to her become a bone of contention, and that just sucks.

Since she doesn't like to go a long period without seeing one parent at this age, I can see why you're sticking with what you've got and trying to make it work. But you could probably look at these past couple of weeks as a warm-up to the time when dsd will be ready to be a summer visitor to your house (or her mom's house - who knows?) and have a full-time residence during the school year so that she can fully pursue friendships and hobbies.

I went to high school with some kids who were enrolled there in the boarding program primarily because their feuding parents had tugged them back-and-forth to the point that they begged for a neutral ground during the school year, so that no adult was "hurt" or "cheated" when they had play practice or a lacrosse game on a Saturday. That's an extreme scenario and a rich-person solution to the problem, but you can see how things wind up that crazy...

 

[sapphire_chan]

The people who are getting on your case aren't the universe. Which is to say, don't let them dictate how you feel about yourself. It's really good that you're able to come here and get reality checks that you're doing things just fine.

 

[ProtoLawyer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie So your dsd comes EVERY weekend to your house? I really think that's going to be a problem in the coming years - Dad vs. Fun all. the. freaking. time. Not to mention soccer games, plays, etc. She's going to wind up having any extracurricular that's important to her become a bone of contention, and that just sucks.

Yeah, like I said, this will probably become untenable a few years from now--but right now, Mom's work schedule dictates this--she works Saturdays, and SD is too young to stay by herself, and a babysitter (from 7:30 am until 5 pm) would be difficult to find, cost-prohibitive and counter-productive, as her dad is available.

I do hope that by the time SD has some major extracurriculars, either Mom's work schedule has improved, she's old enough to stay a little time alone, we all live closer, or all three.

For the record, we would never ask her to miss recitals/games/plays/whatever; that may mean my partner (either by himself or with me/future children, depending on the event) would head out there on Friday or Saturday to go to the event, and, depending on what else was going on, either take her out to dinner and drop her off with Mom, or take her back to our place after the event. Really, 70 miles is doable, most of the time. (Some people commute this distance every day. I couldn't do it, but people do.) It just isn't good these couple of weeks.

She does have friends and activities here, BTW, so it's not like it's Dad, Dad, Dad here and fun, fun, fun she's missing. But I do see what you're saying. Even if it's a choice between a fun outing with Dad and friends here versus a soccer game followed by pizza with friends there, it's still a tough choice. Sure, kids in intact families do have some of these choices, too (youth group trip to Six Flags versus soccer double-header; birthday party versus younger sister's school play), but they are made worse by distance and the feeling that Dad's killing your social life/you're letting Dad down if you do what you want to do/etc.

And, re, the number of parties: There are 20 kids in her class, most kids invite everyone (which is why they end up out and extravagant, especially in winter) and it seems many of them have spring birthdays. She's gone to maybe 90% of the parties she's been invited to...so, yeah, doable distance. Just driving me nuts now.

...speaking of which, gotta clean up this mess (moving boxes! study stuff!) and do an hour of tax law before cousins get here.

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[aricha]

From what I have heard from ProtoLawyer about their situation, this doesn't seem to be the case at all. And in our situation (my step-daughter is with her dad every school holiday, all summer, almost every long weekend, and one mroe weekend a month, as well as a couple extra weeks during the school year. And I know her mom feels frustrated that her house is the boring, routine, rules house and time with dad is fun, fun Dinsey world... even though we have rules and routine, too.

My step-daughter also has loads of fun and plenty of friends here, she has extra-curriculars and classes when she is with us, and she often is sad that she has missed out on something here when it is a weekend she is not with us. There are plenty of birthday parties here with close friends that she misses because they are not a time she is with us.

I really, honestly, think that in many cases it is a matter of making choices between two different things (occasionally one fun and one not, often two different fun things) that every child has to deal with growing up, regardless of the marital status of their parents or their custody arrangement.