[IfMamaAintHappy]

I was wondering what particular things people have said to you in regard to what they "think" attachment parenting is about, or how it works, or why it works?

What are some of the most common misconceptions you've heard about attachment parenting? And how are they misconceptions?

 

[sparklefairy]

AP is a checklist or a recipe to be followed.

AP is permissive or never telling a child "no" or never having consequences.

 

[broodymama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklefairy AP is permissive or never telling a child "no" or never having consequences.

I think this is the one I run into the most, the impression that not spanking equals no discipline and no boundaries for the child.

Oh, and maybe the "they'll NEVER leave your bed!" comment.

 

[elmh23]

AP kids will NEVER be independent. (my AP playgroup discussed this on Friday as the moms sat on a bench in the middle of the sandbox, while the kids were perfectly happy playing in the grass together, not even glancing at us, lol.)

 

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by elmh23 AP kids will NEVER be independent. (my AP playgroup discussed this on Friday as the moms sat on a bench in the middle of the sandbox, while the kids were perfectly happy playing in the grass together, not even glancing at us, lol.)

:

I didn't know as much when ds was born and so his early parenting was alot more main stream than dd's has been. Dd is sooooooo much more independant and confidant than ds was at her age.

It makes me sad that I wasn't able to give him the babyhood that his sister has had but at least I know better now.

 

[siobhang]

Ap = martyrdom

AP is only for SAHMs

AP is a checklist and not a philosophy

 

[talk de jour]

AP parents pander to their child's every wish and never let them leave their sides.

AP is another name for "spoiling."

 

[eilonwy]

The idea that you are either AP or authoritarian really bothers me. People seem to think that you have to be one or the other, and nothing in between.

 

[teachma]

AP (esp. co-sleeping and extended bf) is more for the mother, to fill an emotional void in her life, than for the well-being of the child.

 

[teachma]

Sorry, forgot to debunk the myth I posted above. Would, "Yeah, whatever..." suffice?

 

[Arwyn]

But don't you know mothers are ALWAYS selfish (doing something solely for oneself = selfish)? Either they're selfishly staying home and tying their children to their apron strings, or they're selfishly working outside the home and abandoning their children to the wilds of daycare, effectively leaving them orphans. (Or they're working at home, in which case they're selfishly trying to have it all and doing none of it well, or are timeshifting with their partners in which case they're selfishly denying their husband his marital right to a wife.)

Did I cover everything? Oh yea, either they're selfishly nursing for years to fulfill their own emotional and sexual needs, or they're selfishly denying their child access to hir birthright by placing limits on when and where to nurse. Yup, mother = selfish.

(Ok, so some mothers ARE selfish, because above all mothers are PEOPLE, but the point is no matter WHAT we do, we're gonna be told we're wrong. And, say it with me, selfish.)

 

[kris10s]

AP families never say no.
AP families believe every cry means the baby needs to eat.
AP families are against routines.
AP families can't ever leave their children.
AP families don't believe in discipline (basically, AP = TCS)

 

[TripMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyBug & BabyBug I think this is the one I run into the most, the impression that not spanking equals no discipline and no boundaries for the child. Oh, and maybe the "they'll NEVER leave your bed!" comment.

Unfortunately - IMHO - a fair number of parents misapply certain AP principles - with bad effects -- the rest of mainstream society witnesses this - and that is where the conclusions are drawn . . . .

I'll use myself as the most pathetic example of this. My own nephews were AP'd -- what did I see as a result of this - as babies and toddlers they were unable to function out of their mothers arms - well into toddlerhood - I need to be a WOHM - so how is this good? I have to leave to support us financially - how can I have a kid that can't tolerate being out of my presence - let alone my arms! My conclusion - don't BF. Don't be hyper-responsive. Don't babywear, etc. My 1st hand observation was not that this created a secure well adjusted child - but much to the opposite. A very insecure, mal-adjusted child - who really truly disliked anyone BUT their mother.

This was clearly a drain on my SIL and my BIL. By the time the nephews were kids -- they were -- and I use this word almost never - beyond BRATTY - unfortunately - rude, self absorbed, completely uninterested in the wants and needs of other, aggressive, snotty/back-talking, etc. Their "method" of GD -- complete and utter permissiveness - no structure, no boundaries, no nothing. My SIL and BIL were completely defeated by the time the kids were school age and basically recanted on the whole approach (at least discipline wise) My conclusion at the time - AP is horrible - it produces rude awful children that no one in society will care to spend time with - except their mother!

It wasn't until years later when I became a mom - and not really until my second PG (triplets - yikes!) - that I really got some good info, met some people who were doing it right - and saw what it was all about and why it was good. So my poor DS #1 missed out for a little bit. But I'm trying to make it up now.

Anyway . . . . just a thought to consider as to why some of the misconceptions are out there . . .

 

[kris10s]

That's the hard part -- the people who call themselves AP and are permissive.

 

[Brigianna]

AP babies will never want to be put down.

----my babies loved being put down as soon as they could sit; other mainstream-raised babies I've cared for hated to be put down

AP is about "babying" a child long past infancy.

----my kids have always been "mature" for their ages, which is partly natural temperment, but partly, I think, because I've treated them as *people* from infancy

AP = no discipline.

----there are many AP forms of discipline, but they require more effort than the "yell & spank" method

AP is only for "tree-hugging hippie pinko types"

----respecting children is a non-partisan act (and of course there's nothing wrong with being a tree-hugging hippie pinko type!)

The purpose of AP is a leftist plot to undermine Western civilization.

----(yes this is a real one, from a member of my family) until recently, AP *was* Western civilization for the vast majority of people. Formula, cribs, playpens, etc, are all modern inventions.

 

[Beeblebrox]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TripMom Unfortunately - IMHO - a fair number of parents misapply certain AP principles - with bad effects -- the rest of mainstream society witnesses this - and that is where the conclusions are drawn . . . . I'll use myself as the most pathetic example of this. My own nephews were AP'd -- what did I see as a result of this - as babies and toddlers they were unable to function out of their mothers arms - well into toddlerhood - I need to be a WOHM - so how is this good? I have to leave to support us financially - how can I have a kid that can't tolerate being out of my presence - let alone my arms! My conclusion - don't BF. Don't be hyper-responsive. Don't babywear, etc. My 1st hand observation was not that this created a secure well adjusted child - but much to the opposite. A very insecure, mal-adjusted child - who really truly disliked anyone BUT their mother. This was clearly a drain on my SIL and my BIL. By the time the nephews were kids -- they were -- and I use this word almost never - beyond BRATTY - unfortunately - rude, self absorbed, completely uninterested in the wants and needs of other, aggressive, snotty/back-talking, etc. Their "method" of GD -- complete and utter permissiveness - no structure, no boundaries, no nothing. My SIL and BIL were completely defeated by the time the kids were school age and basically recanted on the whole approach (at least discipline wise) My conclusion at the time - AP is horrible - it produces rude awful children that no one in society will care to spend time with - except their mother! It wasn't until years later when I became a mom - and not really until my second PG (triplets - yikes!) - that I really got some good info, met some people who were doing it right - and saw what it was all about and why it was good. So my poor DS #1 missed out for a little bit. But I'm trying to make it up now. Anyway . . . . just a thought to consider as to why some of the misconceptions are out there . . .

Obviously I can't know your or your SIL's experience, but just to give another person's perspective...you just described my DD. She is a MAJOR mama's girl. No one can soothe her, but me. She will go to her dad and her grandma and she will happily play on the floor, but her MAIN person is me and always has been. It is very draining. Especially during those tough times (like now, while she's teething). But this is how she has been from day one. I don't attribute this to my AP-ness, but rather to her high need personality. We do discipline (as much as you can with someone who is only 11 mo old) in a gentle way and guide, but I am still the number one person in her life.

 

[Kidzaplenty]

:

 

[sarahG]

How about the ideas that AP = extended bfing, co-sleeping, cding, babywearing, etc etc, and not doing any one of these things means you're NOT a certified "attached parent." This is one of the most common misconceptions that I see, and why I think it's so important to avoid labels as parents (which is not to say that I don't often consider myself an "attached parent", and seek out other "attached parent" groups)
AP is about knowing and doing what works best for everyone in the family (right, dr. sears?)

 

[eilonwy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahG How about the ideas that AP = extended bfing, co-sleeping, cding, babywearing, etc etc, and not doing any one of these things means you're NOT a certified "attached parent." This is one of the most common misconceptions that I see, and why I think it's so important to avoid labels as parents (which is not to say that I don't often consider myself an "attached parent", and seek out other "attached parent" groups) AP is about knowing and doing what works best for everyone in the family (right, dr. sears?)

: This goes right along with things like, "If you have a planned c-section, you can't be an attached parent" and "If you wean your child, you can't be an attached parent."

 

[Kylix]

I think one of the misconceptions I hear alot is that AP is trendy or just a fad right now.

Whereas I see attachment parenting as parenting as it has been done for ages...extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, responding to your baby's cries. As we know here, it is only until recently and in Western cultures that people have turned away from this to push babies towards independence and in the same token, detachment from the parent.

So, that AP is just a new age fad is the most bothersome misconception for me. This is the way babies were supposed to be raised, in my opinion.

Kylix