[theboysmama]

<p>Our original thread was getting a bit daunting with 15 pages.</p>
<p>Come join us through our grief, sorrow, joy, and frustrations. All baby loss mamas are welcome!!!!</p>
<p>I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread.</p>
<p> (If you have a problem with these guidelines or would like to add others let me know and I can change things)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With that said come on over ladies and I look forward to chatting with all of you this month!</p>

 

[egmaranian]

<p>Thanks for starting a December thread, Nicole.  I wanted to post in the other one, but hadn't had a chance yet, that I LOVE your dragonfly story!  It is so meaningful and beautiful.  I totally understand why you love dragonflies.  I think they be my new favorite bug as well </p>

 

[L J]

<p>Glad there is a new thread up. A short into on me, since I haven't been around much lately: I'm Laura, 24, and I lost my son Jack at 36 weeks in August due to placental insufficiency. Then, in November, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I have two other first trimester losses in my history. I am waiting for insurance to officially kick in (sometime this month) and then I'm planning to go to the doctor for all of the tests. I am not ttc at the moment, so no worries of me talking about it. Other than maybe saying how bitter I am when I see pregnant women and newborn babies all over the place. But, I guess we can probably all relate to that on some level, eh?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am trying so hard to get in the holiday spirit for my 4 year old's sake, but I'm finding it very difficult. We put up a tree yesterday, and we have been doing Christmas related crafts for about a week now, but I'm just not feeling it. I think the next month is going to be very hard - it just gets more and more difficult to go through the motions. Anyone else having a hard time getting into the holidays this year?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nicole - I just read the last page of the other thread. How absolutely awesome that she sent food, and food that y'all could eat on top of that! Looks like you may be making a new friend - and since your other one turned out to be so awful, I know you could use one. I, too, love the dragonfly story. That is beautiful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Krista - thank you. Women who haven't had losses just don't understand that not only to we lose our child, we loose the joy and happiness that come from being pregnant, and we loose the ability to think positively about anything fertility related. I hate that we all have to be here, but its great we have a common place to gather where we all get each other.</p>

 

[bcblondie]

<p>Subbing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mom to jj that's great that you had a regular cycle! I seemed to have o'd right as my beta was hitting zero. Which is impressive because it means I'd been growing follies before that.</p>

 

[theboysmama]

<p>Hooray! This chat thread is such a life saver for me right now!</p>
<p>I am glad you ladies like the dragonfly story. It was told to me by the hospice nurse after my mother died as there was a young child present. It is a great story to explain death to young children. The story came to my mind after emerics death and I told it to my kiddos, I hadn't thought about it in quite some time.  I re-told it again after we lost pepper. I can't wait till I get my tattoo but am a bit scared of the pain....</p>
<p>Tonight is my SHARE meeting. I am soooooo excited. Sucks that is the kind of stuff I have to look forward to. Just the idea of the meeting tonight helped me make it through the last week. I finished a scrap book page for my littlest angels that will go just behind the paige I did for Emeric. Now ALL of my little angels will be represented in the book. It was healing for me to do that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>LJ- as far as christmas and holiday stuff goes I think you are doing pretty good. We always put the tree up the sat after thanksgiving but since i miscarried on friday night sat really wasn't going to work out. My dad always helps us get the tree up as dh is disabled and it is challenging for him but he also really can't stand decorating, etc. and would be happy if we skipped it. The kids do not want to skip it so it will get done, just not sure when.</p>
<p>Next weekend i think we are going to take the little tree over to the cemetary to decorate it and leave it for emeric (and pepper).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>egmaranian- Welcome!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>BC- our bodies are so interesting. I am interested to see how mine will react this time as it has been different for each one. I am not temping right now but will get back into it sometime this week.</p>
<p>Do you know when the first day of my cycle should be? Should it be the day I started bleeding (wed.) or the day I passed the baby (fri)? As for now I marked it as friday which makes it about right as far as when the bleeding stopped and when it typically would stop after af (and several of my births actually).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope everyone is hanging in there.</p>

 

[apmama07]

<p>Laura I'm having a terrible time with the holidays too, and it's a vicious cycle with guilt for my three year old losing out on wonderful memories on top of dealing with a hormone-crazy, sad mama. I'm still waiting on my m/c at almost 10 weeks here with not a drop of blood and barely cramps. The baby died at 7 weeks. My determination to let it happen naturally is crumpling as Christmas gets nearer and I'm still in mourning limbo. I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I'll still be a total basketcase by then. I feel like I can't proceed past this certain point of grieving until I have the physical part behind me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can't get into the holiday spirit and fake it and think about gifts for anyone (ugh! seriously?! I have to care about stupid petty material yet meaningful GIFTS right now??!!) and I'm really not sure right now I will be able to at all. I got so pissed at DH last night because he had the gall to bug me about setting plans with his side of the family on which day we'd go do the present opening nonsense. Up until now he's been extremely sensitive but somehow didn't get that I can't make stupid plans like that right now and could really give a rat's ass about seeing his family and watching everyone open a nauseating pile of gifts. If I didn't have a child I would absolutely be opting out of Christmas this year, and would be much happier for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm not sure if anyone in my family, DH included, realizes that Christmas is going to be excruciating for me this year. My due date for m/c #1 is coming up on the 11th, and it's looking like I'll barely be physically recovered from this loss....I was supposed to have a newborn or at least a nice belly to announce to extended family at Christmas this year. sigh.....Thanks for letting me vent.</p>

 

[tippy]

<p>i didn't know about this thread until now...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i lost my precious little 4.5 mo old boy, Julius, a little over a month ago to SIDS during his afternoon nap at daycare. his blog/story are linked in my siggy. it's been a struggle ever since to make it. but i'm trying. <span><img alt="greensad.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="width:15px;height:15px;"></span> i just wish with everything that i didn't have to do this...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i wish none of us had to do this. so sorry for everyone's losses. <span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>

 

[bcblondie]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>theboysmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283042/december-baby-loss-mama-s-chat-thread#post_16087900"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Hooray! This chat thread is such a life saver for me right now!</p>
<p>I am glad you ladies like the dragonfly story. It was told to me by the hospice nurse after my mother died as there was a young child present. It is a great story to explain death to young children. The story came to my mind after emerics death and I told it to my kiddos, I hadn't thought about it in quite some time.  I re-told it again after we lost pepper. I can't wait till I get my tattoo but am a bit scared of the pain....</p>
<p>Tonight is my SHARE meeting. I am soooooo excited. Sucks that is the kind of stuff I have to look forward to. Just the idea of the meeting tonight helped me make it through the last week. I finished a scrap book page for my littlest angels that will go just behind the paige I did for Emeric. Now ALL of my little angels will be represented in the book. It was healing for me to do that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>LJ- as far as christmas and holiday stuff goes I think you are doing pretty good. We always put the tree up the sat after thanksgiving but since i miscarried on friday night sat really wasn't going to work out. My dad always helps us get the tree up as dh is disabled and it is challenging for him but he also really can't stand decorating, etc. and would be happy if we skipped it. The kids do not want to skip it so it will get done, just not sure when.</p>
<p>Next weekend i think we are going to take the little tree over to the cemetary to decorate it and leave it for emeric (and pepper).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>egmaranian- Welcome!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>BC- our bodies are so interesting. I am interested to see how mine will react this time as it has been different for each one. I am not temping right now but will get back into it sometime this week.</p>
<p>Do you know when the first day of my cycle should be? Should it be the day I started bleeding (wed.) or the day I passed the baby (fri)? As for now I marked it as friday which makes it about right as far as when the bleeding stopped and when it typically would stop after af (and several of my births actually).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope everyone is hanging in there.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
I think you're suposed to count it from the day you passed the baby. That's what I did, even though I didn't pass the placenta til the next day. </p>
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>apmama07</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283042/december-baby-loss-mama-s-chat-thread#post_16087924"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Laura I'm having a terrible time with the holidays too, and it's a vicious cycle with guilt for my three year old losing out on wonderful memories on top of dealing with a hormone-crazy, sad mama. I'm still waiting on my m/c at almost 10 weeks here with not a drop of blood and barely cramps. The baby died at 7 weeks. My determination to let it happen naturally is crumpling as Christmas gets nearer and I'm still in mourning limbo. I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I'll still be a total basketcase by then. I feel like I can't proceed past this certain point of grieving until I have the physical part behind me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can't get into the holiday spirit and fake it and think about gifts for anyone (ugh! seriously?! I have to care about stupid petty material yet meaningful GIFTS right now??!!) and I'm really not sure right now I will be able to at all. I got so pissed at DH last night because he had the gall to bug me about setting plans with his side of the family on which day we'd go do the present opening nonsense. Up until now he's been extremely sensitive but somehow didn't get that I can't make stupid plans like that right now and could really give a rat's ass about seeing his family and watching everyone open a nauseating pile of gifts. If I didn't have a child I would absolutely be opting out of Christmas this year, and would be much happier for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm not sure if anyone in my family, DH included, realizes that Christmas is going to be excruciating for me this year. My due date for m/c #1 is coming up on the 11th, and it's looking like I'll barely be physically recovered from this loss....I was supposed to have a newborn or at least a nice belly to announce to extended family at Christmas this year. sigh.....Thanks for letting me vent.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
I totally understand. I couldn't start healing fully until I passed the baby too. it was such an awful limbo.</p>
<p> </p>
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>tippy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283042/december-baby-loss-mama-s-chat-thread#post_16087934"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>i didn't know about this thread until now...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i lost my precious little 4.5 mo old boy, Julius, a little over a month ago to SIDS during his afternoon nap at daycare. his blog/story are linked in my siggy. it's been a struggle ever since to make it. but i'm trying. <span><img alt="greensad.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="width:15px;height:15px;"></span> i just wish with everything that i didn't have to do this...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i wish none of us had to do this. so sorry for everyone's losses. <span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
I'm so sorry for your loss. How terrible . </p>

 

[theboysmama]

<p>Tiffany- Welcome to the thread! A member of a club that no one wants to be a part of but glad that they are when they have to be.</p>
<p>I read your blog and bawled my eyes out. Your son is so precious and his laugh is just adorable. I can not even imagine the pain you are going through. Everyone's experience is so different yet we are all missing something so important in our lives, our babies</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Megan- I am so sorry you are having to wait, especially with your edd coming up. that totally sucks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am with everyone on the holiday blah. I just don't think I can do it. Emerics edd is jan 18th and I already took the day off of work and am planning on getting my tattoo then. Figured I would be crying all day anyways.</p>

 

[frugalmum]

<p>hi ladies... I am having a hard time with the holidays too.  I am doing a good job "getting things done" for the kids but the enthusiasm is not there.  I have been getting laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning done, anything that requires little mental legwork.  But anything that requires me to actually sit down and think, I am having trouble with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I also clicked "all new posts" which is what I always do at MDC and saw a thread title from my former DDC which I really did not need to see right now. <span><img alt="guilty.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/guilty.gif">  I am truly happy for the mamas still in there (I honestly am-- not just saying that) but i didn't need the reminder of what I would be feeling now.</span></p>

 

[bcblondie]

<p>Frugal mom I have the same problem, seeing things from my old DDC. It sucks. They're feeling for kicks and finding out the sex soon and I'm sittin here wiht an empty tummy.</p>

 

[L J]

<p>Megan - I haven't been following too closely, so this may have already been discussed, but have you ever read Susan Weed's book, Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Years? In it, she lists emmenagogues which can nudge a miscarriage towards completion. I don't know where you stand on helping things along, but I wanted to mention it just in case. The Bulk Herb Store carries all of the herbs she recommends. I have never had to wait for a miscarriage to happen - mine have always been early and sudden, and with Jack I didn't know he was dead until he was born - but it sounds like the worst kind of hell to have to live suspended in. I'm so sorry you are in this awful place right now, and I wish for you that it is over soon. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am with you on the guilt, too. My nearly 4 year old is so into Christmas this year, and I wish I could be a better sport about it. I am going through the motions of what I have to do, but I wish I felt festive and could force myself to go in the kitchen and make cookies with him, or something...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nicole - Your scrapbook page sounds wonderful, and healing, in a way. I'm glad you were able to do that. How did your meeting go tonight? I keep meaning to go to one, but the only one here is 35 miles away, and we are a one car family at the moment, so I'm usually just stuck at home with no car.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tippy - I'm glad you found us. </p>

 

[apmama07]

<p>Thanks Laura - I've read many old threads on it and also have a couple of my own below that a few mamas have offered advice on. My sister is a Traditional Chinese Herbalist and Acupuncturist. Unfortunately she lives far away but she was able to send me some herbs to help move things along. Also I've started doing Blue & Black cohosh tinctures and have been taking EPO and drinking lots of RRL. I have "The Natural Pregnancy Book" by Aviva Jill Romm which also has a wonderful thorough section on miscarriage and has been really helpful. I have an acupuncturist here who I see once a week too. So I'm pretty well doing everything I can to encourage my body at this point. <span><img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif"></span> I'm very hopeful that this weekend, hitting the 10 week mark and also the New Moon, things will start to get going. I had the tiniest bit of spotting tonight - really just stained fluid - and more cramps, so....It is a very weird limbo to be stuck in, pregnant but not, getting to the point of actually begging the universe for a miscarriage. Very weird.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh and I meant to say (but got so caught up in my rant) that sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job with the holidays considering! Actually doing crafts and stuff with DS? That's great!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Frugalmum I agree about the mental legwork part of it, that's so the problem. It's not so hard to go through the motions I guess but things like planning gifts for people etc that requires thought is...forget about it!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tiffany welcome - so sorry for your loss. Your story was beautifully written and heartbreaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nicole hope your meeting was as wonderful as you've been looking forward to it being!</p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<p>Glad to see the new thread up and appreciating the guidelines for sure. I had thought about starting a thread without the TTC and pregnancy stuff; it really overtakes the threads quickly.</p>
<p>I'm not feeling up to writing much tonight; I think I'll just read quietly.</p>
<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span></p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<p>Ok I could not read Tiffany's blog and not comment. I am SO sorry, mama <span><img alt="bawling.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/bawling.gif"></span><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></span></p>
<p><span>You really hit the strength thing on the head. I've had people say that to me so much since my latest loss and I just don't. get. it. Being alive is not a sign of strength; especially when you want to curl up and die. Forcing yourself out of bed or off the couch to do things is not a sign of strength it's just that the alternative (laying there in pain) isn't really any better. I regret that I ever told loss mamas that they were strong.</span></p>
<p>Julius looks a lot like my first baby; he's just gorgeous. I am so sorry that you don't get to have him <span><img alt="mecry.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="width:40px;height:15px;"></span></p>
<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"></span></p>

 

[bcblondie]

<p>Oh sorry. I was quick to reply and sub to the thread when it was made. I didn't read the terms. I'll leave my TTC jabber out of this thread.</p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>apmama07</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283042/december-baby-loss-mama-s-chat-thread#post_16087924"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><p> </p>
<p>I'm not sure if anyone in my family, DH included, realizes that Christmas is going to be excruciating for me this year. My due date for m/c #1 is coming up on the 11th, and it's looking like I'll barely be physically recovered from this loss....I was supposed to have a newborn or at least a nice belly to announce to extended family at Christmas this year. sigh.....Thanks for letting me vent.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></span> Ughh! Me too! The 17th will mark one year from my first loss, Benjamin would be two months old and I should be six months pregnant with Kadence. To make it worse, after our last living baby we had originally planned to NOT get pregnant until the december after she turned two..... that's this month. I don't celebrate christmas and am rather thankful for that right now but this month is gonna blow.<br>
 </p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<p>Ok just ignore the fact that I said I was going to read quietly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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<p>krista- I did a little research and it isn't the lady I thought it was. I didn't even know who sent me the dinner. 8 yr old boys aren't extremely reliable. It was actually a women who I chat with ocassionally. Her daughter heard on the playground from my son so they aren't even in the same class. I looked up her number in the school directory and the dinner did come from her and she has never had a loss. She has 4 living children. She just talked about how she doesn't know how it must feel but could only imagine the pain I was in and wanted to do something. here is the kicker we have food allergies and she asked both of my kids teachers about the boys allergies and then got something plain for us including all ingredients and we could eat it!!!! We talked about 30 min. on the phone. It was soooooo what i need. I just feel really frickin lonely right now. dh and i are really struggling right now too and i think that is normal especially since we are both on the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as ttc/tta goes. it is so frustrating. I know we will work through this I just wish my hormones would stay out of the way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Krista- I completely understand the mourning of the loss and the loss of the possibility of another living baby to hold. I hope that we get another baby at some point even if it is by adoption or fostering. but at some point i might just have to be ok with things the way they are. (but right now I am not)</p>
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<p>That is even more awesome! We have food allergies here too so I know what a HUGE blessing that is to get food from someone that you can all actually eat.</p>
<p>I hope that you do get another baby and from your own body. It is so unfair for a mama to have to end her childbearing like this, feeling broken and confused and scared. Forgive me if you've already said this but is DH wanting to try again? Brian and I are struggling to figure out what we are going to do. Our losses seem unrelated, this last one appears to have been a cord accident. But we are both so incredibly scared and I can't pretend that I'm not scared to death to even think about another pregnancy even if there is nothing wrong with us. I'm also finding myself not just wanting another baby this time; I want Benjamin and Kadence. It's so weird to sit and think that there should be a six week old on my chest and I should be almost 24wks pg. It's not even physically possible but my body feels it.</p>

 

[L J]

<p>Can I whine?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am so damned sad today. The tree is up and beautiful, my DP came home from work early, a new Grey's Anatomy was on - I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm just so utterly, completely, overwhelmingly sad. And I know I won't be able to sleep, because I can never sleep anymore. My phone keeps ringing; two different friends calling, and I just cannot force myself to make small talk right now. I want to just curl up and cry but I can't cry because I don't have enough energy to make tears.</p>

 

[bcblondie]

<p>Hugs Laura. We understand. Everything else can go perfectly right, but we're still short a baby, and that trumps all...</p>