Define "high needs" for me...
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I guess that it depends on the age of the child. I don't know if there is a definite definition, but I can tell you what my high needs child was like when she was younger (she's a lot easier to deal with at 10.5).
For the first two years:
She only slept more than 30 mins straight (day or night) twice by 18 months.
She screamed what seemed like constantly and very loudly. (I had neighbors who worried that she was being abused.)
She was glued to my side and would become hysterical if I even looked away from her.
She seemed to have stranger anxiety from birth.
She totally stopped napping at 16 months and nothing I could do (driving her around in the car, walking and bouncing while nursing, cuddling in the dark, etc.) could get her to nap.
Btwn 2-4 y/o:
Massive melt-downs/tantrums which included multiple hour screaming fests at least once/day and sometimes multiple times/day
It took two adults to hold her in her car seat to buckle her in while she arched her back and screamed things like "I want you to get run over!"
Intentionally peeing on the floor. She was potty trained at 18 months (she started telling me when she needed to go pee around 15-16 months, so we figured we'd give it a try), so it wasn't an accident. She'd scream "I'm going to pee on the floor!" and then do it.
Extremely sensitive
Now
She's a great kid -- very bright, her teachers and school love her, and she's generally great to be around. She's affectionate, sweet, and still intense, but not out of control.
My definition of high needs includes emotional intensity, high attachment needs with the parent, and perhaps sleep difficulties and/or major tantrums.
For the first two years:
She only slept more than 30 mins straight (day or night) twice by 18 months.
She screamed what seemed like constantly and very loudly. (I had neighbors who worried that she was being abused.)
She was glued to my side and would become hysterical if I even looked away from her.
She seemed to have stranger anxiety from birth.
She totally stopped napping at 16 months and nothing I could do (driving her around in the car, walking and bouncing while nursing, cuddling in the dark, etc.) could get her to nap.
Btwn 2-4 y/o:
Massive melt-downs/tantrums which included multiple hour screaming fests at least once/day and sometimes multiple times/day
It took two adults to hold her in her car seat to buckle her in while she arched her back and screamed things like "I want you to get run over!"
Intentionally peeing on the floor. She was potty trained at 18 months (she started telling me when she needed to go pee around 15-16 months, so we figured we'd give it a try), so it wasn't an accident. She'd scream "I'm going to pee on the floor!" and then do it.
Extremely sensitive
Now
She's a great kid -- very bright, her teachers and school love her, and she's generally great to be around. She's affectionate, sweet, and still intense, but not out of control.
My definition of high needs includes emotional intensity, high attachment needs with the parent, and perhaps sleep difficulties and/or major tantrums.
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It took me months to figure out DS is high needs! Like he was literally 4 or 5 months before it finally clicked why he was just so much harder than my DD ever was. So don't feel bad for not knowing! One good resource I found is Dr. Sears. He has a book all about high needs babies, but even the few pages I read in The Baby Book was good enough for me.
My DS is only 1, but I can tell you up until now how things have been.
He doesn't really nap. A few days a week he'll fall asleep in the car for about 15-20 min at most. But other than that, he can go 12+ hrs without sleeping. Sometimes he's miserably tired, other times not so much. He also wakes frequently at night. . at least once an hour to nurse. Except for his car naps, he must be in physical contact with someone to sleep. We cosleep out of necessity and DH and I stagger our sleeping so that someone is always in bed with him. (Yes, this is extremely exhausting). Sleep has gotten much better in the last few weeks, though, and now he'll occasionally nap in the stroller if we're out and he'll go 2 hrs or so between nursings at night.
He has a very intense personality. He knows what he wants and he wants it NOW. He's been throwing tantrums since about 10 mos old. Like knock-down drag-out tantrums most 2 yr olds throw.
He cries A LOT. From day 1, he'd cry most hours of the day. Everyone told me it was colic but it didn't get better until very recently. I think he was crying of frustration. . .like his mind was ahead of his body. His crying decreased when he started crawling, then more so when he started walking. I honestly cannot wait until he can talk because I think it will really help if he can just tell me what he wants instead of having me guess from his grunts.
He needs constant attention and wants to be held a lot (except when he wants down to walk and explore). He needs new things and gets bored at home. He's a much happier baby when we're out of the house, so I try to get out every day. He's never sitting still. He's not a cuddly baby in the least. . he's either moving or sleeping.
It's hard to know what the future holds, but as I said, I have an older DD who was never this challenging. This boy is really giving me a run for my money!
My DS is only 1, but I can tell you up until now how things have been.
He doesn't really nap. A few days a week he'll fall asleep in the car for about 15-20 min at most. But other than that, he can go 12+ hrs without sleeping. Sometimes he's miserably tired, other times not so much. He also wakes frequently at night. . at least once an hour to nurse. Except for his car naps, he must be in physical contact with someone to sleep. We cosleep out of necessity and DH and I stagger our sleeping so that someone is always in bed with him. (Yes, this is extremely exhausting). Sleep has gotten much better in the last few weeks, though, and now he'll occasionally nap in the stroller if we're out and he'll go 2 hrs or so between nursings at night.
He has a very intense personality. He knows what he wants and he wants it NOW. He's been throwing tantrums since about 10 mos old. Like knock-down drag-out tantrums most 2 yr olds throw.
He cries A LOT. From day 1, he'd cry most hours of the day. Everyone told me it was colic but it didn't get better until very recently. I think he was crying of frustration. . .like his mind was ahead of his body. His crying decreased when he started crawling, then more so when he started walking. I honestly cannot wait until he can talk because I think it will really help if he can just tell me what he wants instead of having me guess from his grunts.
He needs constant attention and wants to be held a lot (except when he wants down to walk and explore). He needs new things and gets bored at home. He's a much happier baby when we're out of the house, so I try to get out every day. He's never sitting still. He's not a cuddly baby in the least. . he's either moving or sleeping.
It's hard to know what the future holds, but as I said, I have an older DD who was never this challenging. This boy is really giving me a run for my money!
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ChristaN, are you me?
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That sounds like a terrifyingly accurate description of ds...
OP, I'd say "high needs" is a subjective assessment, but you know it if you have it. ds has always been extremely "needy"--of physical contact, of attention, of everything. It's very exhausting.
Here's Dr Sears on "high needs": http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050100.asp
OP, I'd say "high needs" is a subjective assessment, but you know it if you have it. ds has always been extremely "needy"--of physical contact, of attention, of everything. It's very exhausting.
Here's Dr Sears on "high needs": http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050100.asp
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lol! If it gives you any light at the end of the tunnel, she really is an amazing child now. I get nothing but complements on her from school and other parents.
Originally Posted by XanaduMama  ChristaN, are you me?
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To be honest, I've always thought if you have to ask the question "Is my child high needs?" then they probably aren't, or if they are, the are lower down on the high needs spectrum. For my child, there was no question that she was high needs from birth. She cried louder than any newborn and slept less (she could stay awake for 6 hours with us actively trying to get her to sleep). She's always had to have physical contact while sleeping and she frequently wakes up (even now!), so I had to hold her through every nap and let her nurse the whole time. As a baby she was never content to "just be" or walk around with me in a sling or anything. I had to constantly be moving or bouncing with her in my arms (she hated being confined in anything, including slings) and constantly talking to her. She had a dairy/soy sensitivity her first year of life that we discovered at 4 months, but I don't think that had much impact on her high needs because even on an elimination diet she still was very intense. Compared to other babies her age, she was just so much more intense and difficult. Thankfully, for us, each successive year has gotten easier, but with some high needs kids that isn't the case. I think a lot of dd's issues when she was a wee babe came from her giftedness--her mind was way ahead of her body's abilities and that was frustrating for her. She's nearly 3.5 now and I've long accepted that isn't average by any stretch of the imagination. I ditto the Sears book! It really helped me feel less alone.
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I guess I would sort of describe my child as high needs, at least she was when younger. She's getting easier as she gets older but she's still very sensitive to certain situations.
In the first 2 years, she was as ChristaN described, BUT she would actually sleep okay once she got to sleep. It was the getting her to sleep thing that would sometimes take forever. She would go to bed so late because sometimes we just were sick of lying with her in bed for an hour every night. Then she's wake up with night terrors quite frequently. However, once she got to sleep, she normally slept okay. When teething she wake up every hour or so, but that didn't last too long. She also sleeps in more than most.
She did have a lot of social anxiety and would freak out if I so much as took a step away from her at a playgroup. It took a long time for her to feel comfortable enough to play around other kids (usually she'd just be feeling okay enough to run away from me when everyone else was leaving). She'd sometimes cry when we were in checkout at the grocery store because we were too close to a stranger and she wasn't physically touching me. If they tried talking to her it was all over. We never went out because she hated being with anyone but me sometimes. She nursed so so frequently...
However, I will say that once she turned 3 she seemed to get easier. She weaned, she takes dance class with other kids and has a really good time, she doesn't have to be physically attached to me at all times. Sometimes she still gets nervous and yanks me by the arm/shirt when we're out, but it is with much less frequency.
ETA:
Lux- would you mind describing the giftedness thing? I don't know if I'd classify my daughter as gifted just now, but she does have a maturity and focus that I don't see in other kids for the most part (except of course when she gets into silly mode lol). She also seemed to be talking earlier and doing many things ahead of the game. I think it's because she's a thinker, she doesn't generally jump right in to an activity. So while it can be frustrating ("why won't you just have fun and play like the other kids!?") It also serves her well in some situations.
In the first 2 years, she was as ChristaN described, BUT she would actually sleep okay once she got to sleep. It was the getting her to sleep thing that would sometimes take forever. She would go to bed so late because sometimes we just were sick of lying with her in bed for an hour every night. Then she's wake up with night terrors quite frequently. However, once she got to sleep, she normally slept okay. When teething she wake up every hour or so, but that didn't last too long. She also sleeps in more than most.
She did have a lot of social anxiety and would freak out if I so much as took a step away from her at a playgroup. It took a long time for her to feel comfortable enough to play around other kids (usually she'd just be feeling okay enough to run away from me when everyone else was leaving). She'd sometimes cry when we were in checkout at the grocery store because we were too close to a stranger and she wasn't physically touching me. If they tried talking to her it was all over. We never went out because she hated being with anyone but me sometimes. She nursed so so frequently...
However, I will say that once she turned 3 she seemed to get easier. She weaned, she takes dance class with other kids and has a really good time, she doesn't have to be physically attached to me at all times. Sometimes she still gets nervous and yanks me by the arm/shirt when we're out, but it is with much less frequency.
ETA:
Lux- would you mind describing the giftedness thing? I don't know if I'd classify my daughter as gifted just now, but she does have a maturity and focus that I don't see in other kids for the most part (except of course when she gets into silly mode lol). She also seemed to be talking earlier and doing many things ahead of the game. I think it's because she's a thinker, she doesn't generally jump right in to an activity. So while it can be frustrating ("why won't you just have fun and play like the other kids!?") It also serves her well in some situations.
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One of the hard things I've found with giftedness is that it is so individual for each gifted child. For some children it manifests itself in reading earlier than normal, for others reading later, and likewise for a list full of other traits. What I can tell you for sure, though, with my dd is that she was just "weird" from the beginning, and I'm saying that in a very loving way. My dh and I are both gifted, and FIL is extremely gifted, so we suspected as much for dd since giftedness is usually inherited. As an infant she was never interested by the things other babies cared about. For instance, we'd go to the park and she'd refuse to swing or play on the slide but would be fascinated by the bolts on the teeter-totter or the backs of signs. She also went through a drain phase from 12-18 months old where she had to drop things or pour water in every drain she found, and she'd do this for hours. I used to laugh that I was the only mom hanging out at the park drain while all the others kids were playing on the playground. At 3 months we noticed that she had a photographic memory because if we ever changed anything in our house, even the smallest bit, she'd just stare and stare at it, like she knew it was different. She never crawled but insisted on being hopped wherever she wanted to go. Her development has always been on the fast track. She walked earlier than normal. At 22 months old she was drawing recognizable faces, a feat for a 4 year old, I've since learned. At 2 she learned to read and spell her name, as well as many other words. Within a week of putting a few words together to make her first sentence at 20 months she was speaking in long paragraphs, using words like "tepid" correctly. She's just fascinated by different things than any of the kids we know, and her development is just way ahead. I think most kids who are gifted are high needs as infants, and that definitely was the case for us. Of course, there are other reasons for high needs as well, including personality. Hope that helps some at least. You can also look at the gifted forum here or check out http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ for mor info.
Originally Posted by haleyelianasmom IETA: Lux- would you mind describing the giftedness thing? I don't know if I'd classify my daughter as gifted just now, but she does have a maturity and focus that I don't see in other kids for the most part (except of course when she gets into silly mode lol). She also seemed to be talking earlier and doing many things ahead of the game. I think it's because she's a thinker, she doesn't generally jump right in to an activity. So while it can be frustrating ("why won't you just have fun and play like the other kids!?") It also serves her well in some situations. |
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Since the conversation has veered in this direction, does anyone have a very high needs child (like along the lines of what I described dd as being) who is not gifted? I certainly know gifted kids who are/were not high needs, but haven't met too many little people who are/were like dd#1 was as a little person to know how often that temperment occurs in a child who is not gifted.
In hindsight, I may be an idiot, but I had no idea what was going on with dd other than she was "payback" according my mom, but once we realized that dd was wired somewhat differently mentally, a lot of the craziness we had dealt with in her younger years made a lot more sense and was attributable to sensitive wiring which went along with sensitivity to external stimuli and to overexcitabilities and frustration with her mental, physical, and emotional beings not being in the same place. How's that for a run on sentence?!
Back on topic, though, we didn't see any real improvement in dd in terms of tantrums abating, etc. until she was 4-5 y/o. She was still exceedingly sensitive and had a very hard time with school, peers, and her teacher in first grade in particular. She wasn't peeing on my floor, though, so hey it could be worse!
In hindsight, I may be an idiot, but I had no idea what was going on with dd other than she was "payback" according my mom, but once we realized that dd was wired somewhat differently mentally, a lot of the craziness we had dealt with in her younger years made a lot more sense and was attributable to sensitive wiring which went along with sensitivity to external stimuli and to overexcitabilities and frustration with her mental, physical, and emotional beings not being in the same place. How's that for a run on sentence?!
Back on topic, though, we didn't see any real improvement in dd in terms of tantrums abating, etc. until she was 4-5 y/o. She was still exceedingly sensitive and had a very hard time with school, peers, and her teacher in first grade in particular. She wasn't peeing on my floor, though, so hey it could be worse!
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I see what you're saying, but I think in many instances (like mine), the mother knows their kid is different they just aren't familiar with the definition of "high needs" enough to define their kid as such from day 1. That's how it was with me. . my DS was just so very different that I kept taking him to the doctor because I was sure something was wrong with him. Those first few months I was just waiting for the "colic" to go away and when it didn't by 4 mos, I started looking for answers. It was then that I came across Dr. Sears' description and I literally jumped up and down because it described my DS exactly! So in my case, it wasn't so much of "if you have to ask the question then they probably aren't" but rather just a lack of knowing the correct terms.
Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua To be honest, I've always thought if you have to ask the question "Is my child high needs?" then they probably aren't, or if they are, the are lower down on the high needs spectrum. For my child, there was no question that she was high needs from birth. |
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This is very interesting, because ds is certainly quite gifted. Also highly sensitive (very sensitive to noise and touch, especially), but intellectually/mentally he's always been very advanced. dd is clearly less "advanced" but is a much happier, calmer soul, for which I feel very grateful (on her behalf).
Thanks for the words of encouragement...now if only we can make it to 4/5yo without killing each other
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Originally Posted by ChristaN Since the conversation has veered in this direction, does anyone have a very high needs child (like along the lines of what I described dd as being) who is not gifted? |
Thanks for the words of encouragement...now if only we can make it to 4/5yo without killing each other
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