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In general, I would tell you that complaining about how he does the dishes is unfair, but this is a pretty serious health/safety issue for all of you. I mean, it's LEAD in your FOOD, we're ultimately talking about.
You're talking about a lot of other issues which are a different bucket of worms (the him holding up bargains etc etc etc) but I would put my foot down on that one. See if you can do some more research about the actual danger of lead in your sink and what it would cost to replace it, but lead is not something to screw around with.
You're talking about a lot of other issues which are a different bucket of worms (the him holding up bargains etc etc etc) but I would put my foot down on that one. See if you can do some more research about the actual danger of lead in your sink and what it would cost to replace it, but lead is not something to screw around with.
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That's dangerous enough that if you can't get him to see sense, I'd go out and buy a new sink without him. Or get a waterproof sealant and put like 5 coats on the sink until it's lead safe.
And get a brush for your dishes. Works just as well as a sponge, but no one ends up tempted to use it for the floor. And it can be boiled and soaked in bleach since it's non-porous.
And get a brush for your dishes. Works just as well as a sponge, but no one ends up tempted to use it for the floor. And it can be boiled and soaked in bleach since it's non-porous.
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He tells you you are stupid? That your ideas and concerns are stupid?
Do you also tell him that he, his ideas, and is concerns are stupid?
Because that it is very disrespectful in my world. That alone would be a huge issue for me.
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You aren't overreacting. Lead is nothing to mess around with, and controlling money that you spend--only to splurge on himself--is infuriating. The behaviors you are describing are selfish and disrespectful. I couldn't live with it.
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Originally Posted by yukookoo  . He pointed the finger at me and eventually ended with we never agreed on that and all the reasons why im stupid, and its stupid and he's right and im wrong.... |
Do you also tell him that he, his ideas, and is concerns are stupid?
Because that it is very disrespectful in my world. That alone would be a huge issue for me.
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| He will become a complete dictator over spending money, water bill, energy bill etc but only when it comes to me! Our grocery budget I've cut down 100$ a week! yet he happen to be home friday and come shopping with us and he spent 80$ just on himself buying extra crap not on the list. I save, he splurges the money i saved on himself constantly and im not talking major splurges toys etc, im taling coffee, cleaning prodcuts, certain name brands, when i have given up everything i possibly can i feel. |
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Don't have any advice on your problem, but I did want to say that sponges can also be chucked in the washing machine, or if you put a damp / wet sponge in the microwave for a couple of minutes it will kill any bacteria that is on it. I don't know anything about lead, so I'm not sure if it would work for lead.
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You have (at least) two issues here.
First, and TBH, most importantly is the lead in your sink. You need to either replace the sink or browbeat your landlord to replace your sink. Trust me, my 20mo son just came back with elevated lead levels and it is a scary, horrifying process. You don't want to be there, so don't. If you can't afford it and you own the house, call your local Dept of Health and ask about grants. They are out there. You don't mess around with lead. Period.
Second is the respect issue. You guys really need to learn how to argue, but I don't think I'm really qualified to give advice on it, as DH and I aren't so great at it ourselves.
Just don't mess around with lead in your sink. If you know it's a hazard, eliminate it, whether your DH is on board or not.
First, and TBH, most importantly is the lead in your sink. You need to either replace the sink or browbeat your landlord to replace your sink. Trust me, my 20mo son just came back with elevated lead levels and it is a scary, horrifying process. You don't want to be there, so don't. If you can't afford it and you own the house, call your local Dept of Health and ask about grants. They are out there. You don't mess around with lead. Period.
Second is the respect issue. You guys really need to learn how to argue, but I don't think I'm really qualified to give advice on it, as DH and I aren't so great at it ourselves.
Just don't mess around with lead in your sink. If you know it's a hazard, eliminate it, whether your DH is on board or not.
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Yeah, that. You are renting. Lead is an issue. Contact the landlord and have them fix the problem. If they won't, contact the local health department and ask them what you can do about it. They may be able to put a bit of weight behind your request.
And it seems to me that there are more issues than just the dishes and how he handles them. The not being able to trust him is huge - and would be a deal breaker in my house.
Hope things get better.
peace...
Originally Posted by choli Shouldn't you be contacting your landlord about the lead in the sink issue, rather than expecting your DH and yourself to take extraordinary measures? |
And it seems to me that there are more issues than just the dishes and how he handles them. The not being able to trust him is huge - and would be a deal breaker in my house.
Hope things get better.
peace...
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It sounds like you are both slinging some pretty sharp arrows, so I'm going to play devil's advocate here since I don't really know the whole situation. I think the lead is very dangerous, and you should be taking steps to have that fixed (don't know why your landlord isn't already doing that?), but let's just say, for the sake of argument, that the lead isn't the issue.
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Okay, now my husband and I have this problem all the time (he doesn't ever put his socks in the hamper, etc. etc.), but I would never say I don't trust him because he doesn't clean the house the way I like. He just doesn't do it the way I like. He has his own ideas about cleanliness standards. I tell him what I prefer, yes, and ask that he respect my need for order, but he also needs a certain amount of autonomy to do things his way.
Is he really making statements about you being crazy/stupid? That's not fair fighting. But yes, I could see being micromanaged as feeling like the other person is trying to control me.
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It sounds like you two need to have a talk during a time when you're not angry to talk about how he feels about the chores. Give him a chance to get it all out, but ask that he own his feelings and agree to work to a solution instead of just throwing everything back at you. It sounds like he doesn't like the agreement to begin with, so he argues with you when you bring it up.
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Whoa whoa whoa! I read what you wrote, but I heard "I'm going to leave if you don't do the dishes the way I ask". Unless you're really serious about a divorce, a threat is really.... a not-nice way to end an argument. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but that sounds like a fear tactic to me. I would not want to be in a marriage where I was scared that it could end over something as simple as doing the dishes.
OTOH, he should not be calling you stupid either. Are you also calling him stupid? These are not respectful things to say to one's spouse.
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No, you aren't. Those are legitimate concerns. His concerns are legitimate too. You both need to be happy about the agreement. You truly do need to be on the same page about your finances, but you need to think of a different way to get there besides calling names.
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No, but the name calling and blaming would. You both need some help with fair fighting. A counselor could really help you figure out how to reach solutions instead of spiraling like you both seem to be doing.
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It doesn't sound like you're upset over the chores as much as the general disregard of your wishes and concerns. However, it sounds like he may be having the same problem, or is concerned about being heard or having autonomy to do some things. Again, I think a counselor could help you sort some of this out.
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Originally Posted by yukookoo i guess my main issue is that i dont feel i cant trust dh because he constantly doesnt hold up his end of agreements. When I catch him and let him know what i think, usually not in a nice way, he basically says he doesnt care and blames it on me - the agreement was stupid, im crazy, im trying to control him, or the most common one, he never agreed to that. |
Is he really making statements about you being crazy/stupid? That's not fair fighting. But yes, I could see being micromanaged as feeling like the other person is trying to control me.
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| But dh says "o are oyu inspecting? am i not doing things up to your standards? and goes on to lecture about how i "make him feel" which has always driven me crazy that he cant take responsibility for his feelings and everything is always about me and never him. |
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| So i say no its not about that its that i understood that we agreed ons omething and now youre not doing what i thought we agreed on and I am and i feel cheated and like i cant trust you to hold up your end of the bargain and this is a reoccuring thing. He pointed the finger at me and eventually ended with we never agreed on that and all the reasons why im stupid, and its stupid and he's right and im wrong.... I eventually walked out of the room saying I am not going to stay in a marriage where i cant trust something as simple as an agreement about doing dishes. |
OTOH, he should not be calling you stupid either. Are you also calling him stupid? These are not respectful things to say to one's spouse.
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| Now i know im probably over reacting about the lead in the sink and the water bill |
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| Is this something that would cause you to leave if it doesnt change? |
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| I dont know if im focused on the right issue can i possibly be this upset over this? |
spoke to my landlord about the sink when we first moved in and her response (its a rental agency, so not the landlord directly) was "its an old house and we are not going to rebuild it for you"
i didnt push it because after researching here and in ohter places, i found that reglazing isnt much of a solution and is very toxic and replacing the sink will spread lead dust into the air and onto all our things and needs to be done by someone who specializes in lead. For example if you have lead paint in the walls you wouldnt touch it or remove it. I dont want to leave it up to the rental agency to decide who will come in and do the work and how, because they have screwed everything up and anytime we asked to do or change anything they made it worse.
We are planning on moving out at the end of our lease, which is about 9 mo i think away for sure.
So we decided to just try to be careful: no soaking dishes in the sink, no touching sponge to the sink, when we clean the sink we do it with a paper towel and throw it away. DD stays away from the sink, which is a hard one because she used to love to help with the dishes.
I guess i figured if many kids take baths in lead bathtubs, this cant be that big of a health concern, as long as we are carecful. But dh is not really taking me seriously about it. I am pretty alarmist about health things and he is the well i grew up chewing on lead chips and im fine type... I think he thinks this is one of those things where i am being alarmist and im sure most of his friends and the general public he would talk to who are not moms would say yeah I grew up with lead, that sink has been there for 30 years and many families lived in that house and are just fine, why is everyone else just fine but youre high maintenance wife has a problem.
It was a stupid fight for sure. I think the main problem is that we both need better coping skills for stress or anxiety. We have a lot of stuff going on tight now and we tend to take it out on each other.
But the agreement things is common Unother fight all the time is bedtime. He insists on doing it, i love that he does and i love how he does except one thing. He doesnt just go do it, there is always one more thing he needs to do before and dd, tired, waits for him to clean this and put this away, and slowly put his pj's on and then he remembers he needs to pack his lunch and then its 7:00 and we agreed on starting the process at 6 and then its 9 and she's not sleeping yet and then he's tired and falls asleep in her bed instead of spending time with me. So the agreement is put her to bed at 6 and every night at 5 i start prompting at 6 he hasnt started at 6:30 im getting pissed, and 645 we're fighting at 7 he's starting the process. If i just start to do it he will stop what he is doing to come fight with me and disrupt it. I can completly ignore him but then as im calmly trying to do a bedtime routine, read, sing etc. he is lecturing and arguing. And dont tell me it takes 2 he willa nswer himself for me and argue with the answer her assumed i would give.. he can go on for hours all byhimself. If I leave a room he will follow, if i close a door he will stand next to it and continue.
Its just his way or hell. and then it comes to ok im leaving cause i cant live like this and if its your way or the highway im outa here. yeah its a scare tactic i guess, but i do really mean it. It has really come to me debating leaving, not over dishes or bedtime not being done my way, but over the fact that i can not set boundaries, have an opinion and feel respected and when he doesnt listen or respect me there is nothing i can do besides either take it or leave. There are great things too, we dont fight all the time. But this is a deal breaker for me and im not sure if im over reacting or not. We have done lots of therapy and counseling by the way, its helped a little this issue probaly comes up half as much as it used to but it still comes up when we are going through things like stress, financial stuff etc.
i didnt push it because after researching here and in ohter places, i found that reglazing isnt much of a solution and is very toxic and replacing the sink will spread lead dust into the air and onto all our things and needs to be done by someone who specializes in lead. For example if you have lead paint in the walls you wouldnt touch it or remove it. I dont want to leave it up to the rental agency to decide who will come in and do the work and how, because they have screwed everything up and anytime we asked to do or change anything they made it worse.
We are planning on moving out at the end of our lease, which is about 9 mo i think away for sure.
So we decided to just try to be careful: no soaking dishes in the sink, no touching sponge to the sink, when we clean the sink we do it with a paper towel and throw it away. DD stays away from the sink, which is a hard one because she used to love to help with the dishes.
I guess i figured if many kids take baths in lead bathtubs, this cant be that big of a health concern, as long as we are carecful. But dh is not really taking me seriously about it. I am pretty alarmist about health things and he is the well i grew up chewing on lead chips and im fine type... I think he thinks this is one of those things where i am being alarmist and im sure most of his friends and the general public he would talk to who are not moms would say yeah I grew up with lead, that sink has been there for 30 years and many families lived in that house and are just fine, why is everyone else just fine but youre high maintenance wife has a problem.
It was a stupid fight for sure. I think the main problem is that we both need better coping skills for stress or anxiety. We have a lot of stuff going on tight now and we tend to take it out on each other.
But the agreement things is common Unother fight all the time is bedtime. He insists on doing it, i love that he does and i love how he does except one thing. He doesnt just go do it, there is always one more thing he needs to do before and dd, tired, waits for him to clean this and put this away, and slowly put his pj's on and then he remembers he needs to pack his lunch and then its 7:00 and we agreed on starting the process at 6 and then its 9 and she's not sleeping yet and then he's tired and falls asleep in her bed instead of spending time with me. So the agreement is put her to bed at 6 and every night at 5 i start prompting at 6 he hasnt started at 6:30 im getting pissed, and 645 we're fighting at 7 he's starting the process. If i just start to do it he will stop what he is doing to come fight with me and disrupt it. I can completly ignore him but then as im calmly trying to do a bedtime routine, read, sing etc. he is lecturing and arguing. And dont tell me it takes 2 he willa nswer himself for me and argue with the answer her assumed i would give.. he can go on for hours all byhimself. If I leave a room he will follow, if i close a door he will stand next to it and continue.
Its just his way or hell. and then it comes to ok im leaving cause i cant live like this and if its your way or the highway im outa here. yeah its a scare tactic i guess, but i do really mean it. It has really come to me debating leaving, not over dishes or bedtime not being done my way, but over the fact that i can not set boundaries, have an opinion and feel respected and when he doesnt listen or respect me there is nothing i can do besides either take it or leave. There are great things too, we dont fight all the time. But this is a deal breaker for me and im not sure if im over reacting or not. We have done lots of therapy and counseling by the way, its helped a little this issue probaly comes up half as much as it used to but it still comes up when we are going through things like stress, financial stuff etc.
I can see why you're frustrated and I can see why he feels micromanaged.
How do you talk to him about this? You need to talk without blaming. "I can't trust you" is blaming. "I feel frustated when you say you'll put her to bed at 6 and she's still up at 9" is not blaming. Tone of voice is important, too. Does he think 6 is too early?
He obviously doesn't think the sink thing is a big deal, and it is getting fixed. If it were my dh, I'd say, "I know you don't think this is serious, but I think it is, and it's only until it gets fixed. Please just humor me so I don't get stressed." Not "dont' you care about her health?" or anything like that. Just non-blaming talk.
And he shouldn't be calling you crazy either. You can't change him, only yourself. But I'd tell him that I dont' like being called crazy and I'd like him to speak to me more respectfully.
How do you talk to him about this? You need to talk without blaming. "I can't trust you" is blaming. "I feel frustated when you say you'll put her to bed at 6 and she's still up at 9" is not blaming. Tone of voice is important, too. Does he think 6 is too early?
He obviously doesn't think the sink thing is a big deal, and it is getting fixed. If it were my dh, I'd say, "I know you don't think this is serious, but I think it is, and it's only until it gets fixed. Please just humor me so I don't get stressed." Not "dont' you care about her health?" or anything like that. Just non-blaming talk.
And he shouldn't be calling you crazy either. You can't change him, only yourself. But I'd tell him that I dont' like being called crazy and I'd like him to speak to me more respectfully.
He sounds rather psycho, honestly. The following you around to argue - NOT GOOD - the insistence on putting your child to bed (is this every night - can't you do every other night, at least?), and then not even doing it - he wants to have the upper hand by doing/not doing... sounds similar to my ex. It really gets to me most when fighting occurs in front of a child, and hearing you guys argue at bedtime is not exactly soothing for your child. When your H doesn't even care how his actions affect his child, that's not good.
It sounds like a massive lack of respect on his part, a controlling insistence on doing everything his way regardless of how his partner feels or his family's health. I've dealt with that kind of person and I realized there would be no resolution, that everything would be an argument because, well, he liked to argue and to tweak everything to his own needs and moods.
The issues you've presented here are hardly nit-picking; they're important.
It sounds like a massive lack of respect on his part, a controlling insistence on doing everything his way regardless of how his partner feels or his family's health. I've dealt with that kind of person and I realized there would be no resolution, that everything would be an argument because, well, he liked to argue and to tweak everything to his own needs and moods.
The issues you've presented here are hardly nit-picking; they're important.
You've gotten some good advice here so all I want to do is reiterate this:
Lead is SERIOUS. In your food means ingestion. This can cause all sorts of BAD consequences on a young, developing brain. This is nothing to mess around with. Call the rental agency again. Their excuse sucks, to be frank. No, they don't have to rebuild your house but when there is a serious health threat, it is their job to deal with it. If necessary, call the health department and get some information through them to give to your landlords. Do not wait the 9 months until your lease is up.
Here's a quote that I found online that sums up the issue:
"Lead at low levels is a serious threat to the central nervous systems of infants and children. Lead toxicity in the blood has been found not only to impair early school performance, later grade school performance, but also to negatively affect cognitive functioning into young adulthood. According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1990:
"The persistence toxity of lead was seen to result in signifiant and serious impairment of academic success, specifically a seven fold increase in failure to graduate from high school, lower class standing, greater absenteeism, impairment of reading skills sufficiently extensive to be labeled reading disability (indicated by scores two grades below the expected scores), and deficits in vocabulary, fine motor skills, reaction time and hand-eye coordination."
Within the human body, lead damages the nervous system, circulatory and blood forming system, reproductive system, kidneys, and gastro-intestinal tract. In adults lead poisoning can cause various symptoms, including fatigue, loss of appetite, stomach disorders, forgetfulness, headaches, insomnia, irritability, hypertension, anemia, reduced desire for sex, impotence, dizziness, and weakness in the extremities.
It is much more serious when children are exposed to lead. Since the brain has not yet completely developed, lead poisoning can cause learning disabilities, attention deficit disorders, lowered IQ, and anti-social behavior. Elevated levels of lead sustained over a period of time, can damage the central nervous system of children and adversely impact their development." (lead-info.com)
Yeah, he ate paint chips and turned out fine? Look at his behavior now. That's not what I call turning out fine.
Lead is SERIOUS. In your food means ingestion. This can cause all sorts of BAD consequences on a young, developing brain. This is nothing to mess around with. Call the rental agency again. Their excuse sucks, to be frank. No, they don't have to rebuild your house but when there is a serious health threat, it is their job to deal with it. If necessary, call the health department and get some information through them to give to your landlords. Do not wait the 9 months until your lease is up.
Here's a quote that I found online that sums up the issue:
"Lead at low levels is a serious threat to the central nervous systems of infants and children. Lead toxicity in the blood has been found not only to impair early school performance, later grade school performance, but also to negatively affect cognitive functioning into young adulthood. According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1990:
"The persistence toxity of lead was seen to result in signifiant and serious impairment of academic success, specifically a seven fold increase in failure to graduate from high school, lower class standing, greater absenteeism, impairment of reading skills sufficiently extensive to be labeled reading disability (indicated by scores two grades below the expected scores), and deficits in vocabulary, fine motor skills, reaction time and hand-eye coordination."
Within the human body, lead damages the nervous system, circulatory and blood forming system, reproductive system, kidneys, and gastro-intestinal tract. In adults lead poisoning can cause various symptoms, including fatigue, loss of appetite, stomach disorders, forgetfulness, headaches, insomnia, irritability, hypertension, anemia, reduced desire for sex, impotence, dizziness, and weakness in the extremities.
It is much more serious when children are exposed to lead. Since the brain has not yet completely developed, lead poisoning can cause learning disabilities, attention deficit disorders, lowered IQ, and anti-social behavior. Elevated levels of lead sustained over a period of time, can damage the central nervous system of children and adversely impact their development." (lead-info.com)
Yeah, he ate paint chips and turned out fine? Look at his behavior now. That's not what I call turning out fine.
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Let me reiterate to you that my son is 20mo and already has dangerous lead levels in his blood. Lots of damage can be done in 9 mo. If your landlord won't replace the sink, get the Dept of Health involved. Make sure that your landlord uses someone to replace the sink who is certified in lead removal, or don't let them in the house.
And yes, you will get some dust, but if the person id certified in lead removal, they will get rid of the dust before they leave and the hazard is out of the house.
This is YOUR responsibility, OP. You aren't being alarmist. It's something that needs to be done yesterday.
And yes, we are taking lead paint off our walls and doors as well. Removal/cover up depends on the condition of the paint.
And yes, you will get some dust, but if the person id certified in lead removal, they will get rid of the dust before they leave and the hazard is out of the house.
This is YOUR responsibility, OP. You aren't being alarmist. It's something that needs to be done yesterday.
And yes, we are taking lead paint off our walls and doors as well. Removal/cover up depends on the condition of the paint.
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I'd talk to a renter's rights organization. I'm a landlord in Washington state and we are not allowed to just ignore health hazards like lead in our properties. My guess is the rental agency's response to you regarding the sink was illegal.
That doesn't help the underlying issue with your hubby though
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. I agree that the lack of follow-through is a real issue, but it sounds like one of those things where neither party is right or wrong, you just happen to be spectacularly mismatched in this one area. In my marriage, I'm the laid-back one and my dh is super sensitive to sounds and schedules and messes. Honestly, sometimes I think it would be easier for us if he just lived next door rather than with our dd and I LOL. It is HARD to live with someone when there are so many things that bug them that just don't bug you.
I do think that, especially in this situation where there is a real health hazard to your kid, that your husband should just suck it up and do as you ask. But I could understand that if he is feeling micromanaged he may be resisting even your reasonable requests. Have you guys ever tried counselling?
That doesn't help the underlying issue with your hubby though
I do think that, especially in this situation where there is a real health hazard to your kid, that your husband should just suck it up and do as you ask. But I could understand that if he is feeling micromanaged he may be resisting even your reasonable requests. Have you guys ever tried counselling?
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If I were your husband, I'd feel micro-managed, too. Just because you've determined bedtime is at 6 doesn't mean it has to be. He has just as much right to make decisions as you do.
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This. I've been the micro-managed party before, and every request brings up the hurt from ALL the times I felt controlled. That's why even little requests turn into blow-up issues.
Originally Posted by Thao But I could understand that if he is feeling micromanaged he may be resisting even your reasonable requests. |
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