Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,109 Posts
I'd leave him or put him out, truly, for this. That is just plain abuse. Get out before you get the estate and he steals it. Any man who would treat you like that when you have a huge loss like that...OMG, there is no way. But then, I would probably have put him out after the birth with behavior like you describe. That is NOT love. Love is what you do when the other partner is at their weakest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,576 Posts
I'd tell him that's marriage counseling or divorce -- his pick. But I wouldn't live with that nonsense any longer.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
875 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
weve tried counseling, and we are flat broke and need to pay for lawyers and stuff and have a baby on the way, didnt mention im also dealing with this on horomones.<br><br>
Counseling is just not happening anytime soon. Plus we have no support and no one to watch dd while we go counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,077 Posts
Maybe it's really hard for your dh to see you in any sort of pain (emotional or physical) so he tries to get you to "suck it up" or convinces himself that you are just being a wimp. The comment about your labor could be him trying to blow off your pain because he didn't want to believe that you were suffering. This isn't the best example, but my dad refuses to believe that anything could ever be wrong with any of his family members. When my brother had cancer it was really hard for my dad to admit that it was serious. He (my dad) couldn't handle the idea that his son could be sick yk? It seems like this is your dh's way of dealing with your pain. Try reminding him that you are strong and that you will be ok, but you need him to listen. Tell him that you don't want his advice or comments.<br>
I'm so sorry about your dad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
560 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Linda on the move</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413512"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'd tell him that's marriage counseling or divorce -- his pick. But I wouldn't live with that nonsense any longer.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
971 Posts
that is just shocking. my dh wasn't the most supportive person during my labor but omg he called you a wuss???? gah. and im sorry about your dad and what you are going through, i agree with the above posters <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,680 Posts
If this is how he is consistently treating you, then it <i>is</i> characteristic of him. How he treats you counts as a part of his character ... a rather huge part, considering what an important part of his life you are. When you are thinking "he treats no one like this," what you need to be focusing on is that he treats the closest, most intimate, most prominent person in his life just like this. Please don't let yourself minimize that by focusing on whether or not he is kind to strangers, his sisters, etc. Being kind to other people doesn't make being unkind to you any smaller.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,282 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>scottishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe it's really hard for your dh to see you in any sort of pain (emotional or physical) so he tries to get you to "suck it up" or convinces himself that you are just being a wimp. The comment about your labor could be him trying to blow off your pain because he didn't want to believe that you were suffering. This isn't the best example, but my dad refuses to believe that anything could ever be wrong with any of his family members. When my brother had cancer it was really hard for my dad to admit that it was serious. He (my dad) couldn't handle the idea that his son could be sick yk? It seems like this is your dh's way of dealing with your pain. Try reminding him that you are strong and that you will be ok, but you need him to listen. Tell him that you don't want his advice or comments.<br>
I'm so sorry about your dad.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I wondered about this, too. It doesn't justify his reactions, but it could explain why he can't handle you suffering in any way.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Liquesce</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413765"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If this is how he is consistently treating you, then it <i>is</i> characteristic of him. How he treats you counts as a part of his character ... a rather huge part, considering what an important part of his life you are. When you are thinking "he treats no one like this," what you need to be focusing on is that he treats the closest, most intimate, most prominent person in his life just like this. Please don't let yourself minimize that by focusing on whether or not he is kind to strangers, his sisters, etc. Being kind to other people doesn't make being unkind to you any smaller.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This. His behavior isn't acceptable. If counseling isn't in the cards now, it needs to be in the future (when your dad's estate is settled?). Your trust in the person you should trust most is being destroyed and that has to be fixed or (not to be too dramatic) your marriage will have no foundation to rest upon and it will only be a matter of time til it collapses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,220 Posts
First off, please consider making sure your inheritance is in your name, straight to your child/ren only.<br><br>
He can be kind to others who aren't as close as you are because it's less threatening. A life partner is where the rubber meets the road, so that probably scares the $hit out of your DH. But that's another indicator of character: how we behave when we're scared, how we behave when we have to put everything on the line.<br><br>
Not sure how to quote in the middle of my reply, but DariusMom nailed it: "Your trust in the person you should trust most is being destroyed and that has to be fixed" . . . and your husband has to do his part in fixing it.<br><br>
I would gently venture that perhaps individual counseling might be more appropriate than joint. Your DH sees the world a certain way, and that makes him treat you a certain way. No dynamic between you, no malfunction on your part, makes HIS treatment of you healthy or acceptable. Maybe, as a pp said, once the money comes through, or if you can find community mental health services with sliding fees? (If either of you were ever military, I think you may be eligible for some free sessions through onesource.)<br><br>
I'm so sorry about all you're going through. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
Sorry, but he is not nice. And I cannot even say what I think that he is, because of the UAV.<br><br>
I would not tolerate it for one minute. Not one.<br><br>
BTW, the girlfriend, I will bet, has no case, or a weak one. Your father didn't marry her to make her legally his heir or otherwise make sure she was mentioned in the will. I would try not to worry too much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,765 Posts
Do not put that inheritance, or proceeds from any sales, into joint accounts. If it was an inheritance for you, it should generally remain your, and not marital, property, but if you comingle it by putting it into either an account or an asset (car, house) that is jointly owned, then it's going to be marital property.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
701 Posts
What everyone else said. When you said "it's not his normal personality" because he's different with strangers and other family members, I thought "who cares?" - you're his wife and he is his most authentic self around you. Maybe he's just putting on a show for everyone else.<br><br>
His behavior is completely intolerable, IMO. And the stuff during labor?? Wow. Even the most cold-hearted men see a woman delivering a baby and MOST understand that they have no idea the level of pain she is feeling and offer support. Wishing you never felt pain is not an excuse.<br><br>
I'm so sorry about your Dad. That must be incredibly hard for you. I just can't fathom my DH being anything but 100% supportive if I were dealing with something like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
There is no excuse as all for his behavior. None. The way he behaved during your labor was disgusting and I would have divorced him for that alone - I can't be close/intimate with someone who is openly cruel.<br><br>
And what you are dealing with - and I'm sorry about your father - is so emotional for you and he's being anything but supportive. What's the point of a marriage like that?<br><br>
He is not there when you need him the most. And that <i>is</i> who he is. Many abusive people are Mr. Charming with everyone else - my ex is the same way. But living with someone like that is another story.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
108 Posts
Absolutely counseling! Dh and I see a counselor and it is helping. My dh is bi polar so, it is always a battle. Don't keep going like this, it is verbal/emotional abuse and no one deserves it. If he refuses counseling, let him know you mean business and tell him to leave.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,246 Posts
Wow. I'm suprised you've handled it this long. I agree with those who said marriage counseling or divorce. That's a soul-killing kind of environment, and you and your dc shouldn't be in it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,115 Posts
Just my words for how I see this: he's not on your side. How dare he take your father's girlfriend's side over his own wife's?<br><br>
I don't know what to suggest. If I were in your place, I would feel the marriage is poisoned. Probably my instinct would be to withdraw from him, but while that would protect myself, it would weaken the marriage further. (Not that I would take on the blame for that). In other situations I could see putting more into the marriage and having a chance of the marriage being strengthened. But not this situation.<br><br>
Apparently he sees you as a liability or something. As long as you shut up, he's fine, but he just doesn't want to hear from you unless it's happy-happy. He'll take support from you, but not give it in return. He doesn't see the marriage as an investment, but a liability.<br><br>
I'm sorry. I would not be able to live with that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,637 Posts
The thought I have had, in my own relationship, and when reviewing your post, is this:<br>
Life is difficult, and marriage is difficult, and there will always be challenges and disappointments and mistakes, and you can never eliminate the stress. If your husband is always cruel when he is stressed or tired or sick, then, well, he is cruel when it is most important that he NOT be. And that is something you decide to live with or without.<br><br>
A counselor will probably tell you (though I won't pretend to be one) that you cannot change his behavior, only the way you react to it. You can't make him stop being cruel. So these are probably your choices:<br>
1. stay with him and deal with it<br>
2. stay with him and lead a separate life, which requires emotional detachment or<br>
3. leave him.<br><br>
Just my two cents.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>yukookoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413291"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Im making him sound like a horrible guy but its not really characteristic of him. he treats no one like this, maybe himself in his head, but not dd not his 3 sisters or his mom, not his male friends or step brothers.<br><br>
it is really confusing to me why he is like that to me and more it jsut devastates me. He is always the first one i want to call when i get hurt, i want him to go kick a&* for me and instead he kicks mine.<br><br>
Today i have just never felt more alone and let down. I am astonished at his behavior.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Tell him. Say, "You don't act like this with anyone else, my father died in a horrible way, you're my partner, your behavior is inexplicable. You're hurting my feelings and behaving in a frankly bizarre way."<br><br>
Then tell him you need to go to relationship counseling, and start making appropriate plans for how you are going to separate if he refuses.<br><br>
To me, this crosses a line. It's not that I expect my partner to agree with me about everything. It's not that he thought the girlfriend might have some reason to want some of your dad's estate, that doesn't seem so unreasonable. It's the tone you describe, the mocking tone, which should never feature in a marriage at all. Using a mocking tone about something as serious as a parent's death? Where there is huge trauma involved? How can he face himself?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
231 Posts
WTH is wrong with him? 100% unacceptable. IMO it is just a matter of time until he relates to your dc in this same manner. Take your dad's $$$$ and run. Life is too hard on its own to deal with this sort of abuse for one second.<br><br>
PS your dad's gf probably has no case, I bet she won't even be able to find a lawyer.
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top