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Hello all,<br>
I'm delurking after DS's evaluation today with the school psych and speech & lang pathologist. I need to vent someplace, to someone, and you all win the prize.<br><br>
Of course, until I can get my hands on their reports, I won't really know what "the experts" see in my kid. About 9 months ago, we saw a neuropsych, and he didn't see much at all. I mean, he gave me no sense of urgency in pursuing resources for my son. So I let it go for a while. But the preschool kept urging me to look into services...maybe I should give a little back story.<br><br>
My son is an angelic, soft spoken, gentle little sweetheart. And my absolute faith in his ability to progress at his own pace and eventually catch up has--I fear--exacerbated his delays. I teach elementary school and have attended countless IEPs. I should have seen this coming. But my mama blinders were on, and I feel so guilty for waiting this long to pursue anything. Here are my areas of concern:
<ul><li>fine motor delays (no tripod hold, trouble with buttons, zippers, wrappers on small items)</li>
<li>gross motor delays (he's mostly on target, but has NEVER ridden a bike/trike, and is poor at catching/throwing a ball)</li>
<li>expressive language (doesn't really have reciprocal conversations) Oooh and he invents words. And I play into it. So now we have this secret mama-and-Monkey language. And my DH and the grandparents have to ask me what the invented words mean. Oops.</li>
<li>receptive language (I can't put my finger on it...he just takes forever to form a response so sometimes I wonder if he's processing the questions for a longer time than is typical)</li>
<li>social delays (he's 4 1/2 and has no friends, doesn't like playing with the kids at school, even if we see them at the park, but he WILL, thankfully, play with our 2 year old)</li>
<li>poor focus (ADD?)</li>
<li>some stimming, particularly when tired (side-eyeing things, scanning edges, drumming all the time)</li>
</ul><br>
He has so many wonderful, amazing qualities, and it pains me to list the things that are atypical about my kid. I know they are his gifts. But when I write it out like that, it seems like a laundry list of things that need to be *treated*. And for so long I just wanted to accept him as he is, but the outside world makes me see him in another way.<br><br>
Honestly, I think his preschool's expectations are way too high. I don't think a 4 year old should have homework (worksheets--grrrr) and I think the pressure to hold a pencil is making him hate it more. Today, he cried real tears because I was making him do his homework. He wanted to play potato head (but I know he really just wanted to stim by side-eyeing certain potato-head accessories). It proabably didn't help that I was yelling at him. I told him he could play it when his homework was done. Ultimately, I had to bribe him one m&m for each numeral he was able to write on the page. And that was like pulling teeth. He kept saying "you do it." It was a snapshot of everything I said I would NEVER do to my precious child. And all the while my innocent-bystander 2 year old is sitting there getting ignored. ANOTHER ding for mama.<br><br>
The evaluation itself dragged on for nearly 3 hours. He was hungry and tired and not performing up to par AT ALL. Thank goodness I had a granola bar in my purse; we used that to keep him focused. Then they brought in some fruit snacks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> to help him stay on target. But at that point, it was a lost cause. I should have just stopped it, but the teacher in me pressed on, knowing that the data would be necessary for a proper evaluation.<br><br>
Oh what a day. I just need to go to bed (both kids are in my bed now...I can't wait to go snuggle). If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope to post more after I find out what the heck is going on. And it the meantime I will keep reading here and learning here. Thanks again.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Welcome.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="welcome"><br><br>
and<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Mama to a very special March 03 boy here too.<br><br>
Welcome to the SN forum - the best place on MDC.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Hi and welcome! And homework, oh my gosh. We'd never manage that with my 4 1/2 year old. I don't think that's reasonable for the age group, even kids without delays.
 

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welcome!<br><br>
thank goodness my kids never had HW till 1st grade - I still hate it but what can you do?
 

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Welcome!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Don't be hard on yourself. There's no time frame for recognizing stuff and helping kids in areas that need help. Anything you've heard contrary is just a made up thingie. He had all those years to be a kiddo with no pressure. And you were a loving mommy without putting pressure and guilt on yourself. That's a very good thing.<br><br>
My son has a lot of similar issues. We knew about them younger but it wasn't until more recently we've actually figured out ways to really help. And in the meanwhile I missed a lot of joy worrying and fretting and being stressed out. That I super regret.<br><br>
Homework at four <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Is this school the right fit for him? I do think (as a former teacher) that sometimes kids get turned off to learning at very young ages due to pressure to be academic when they just aren't ready developmentally. Especially this seems true of boys.
 

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Welcome and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Your son sounds very similar to my son in terms of his fine and gross motor delays.
 

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Welcome, and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
You are not the only mama to reach pre-school with blinders intact.<br><br>
I'm not going to opine on everything in your list, as I'm not familiar, put as for the homework, I think you are right that the school's expectations are too high. SOME kids can write numbers at age 4, but many cannot. Pre-school is too young for hw IMO, especially worksheets. I don't like any at all, but I might not fret too much over something like "Bring in an object that is red."<br><br>
As for the pencil, my ds did not get it until kindergarten, which is late. For my son, however, it turned out to be sensory. He could not stand how writing implements felt in his hand, and he couldn't tolerate "fisting" it the way most small children do. Instead, he held it near the tiop as far away from his body as he could, as if it were a stinky diaper. After a few months in kindergarten, he did get over it, though I don't know why. With the other issues, your ds may benefit from some type of therapy, although if I recall correctly, buttons and zippers may cause difficulty for some kids up into kindergarten. My son's kindergarten class worked on getting on jackets on and fastened, and the teacher was helping several children for half the year.
 

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You know, when you're a mama to a child with SNs, I'm pretty sure there is no way to not feel like a bad mama. It's so horrible, and yet so true. We have to expose our sweet children to the world in a way that non-SN moms don't have to. They can easily hold onto the truth that their children are perfect just the way they are, while we have to fight off evaluators and professionals and even strangers who tell us they aren't. It's not fair, to us or our kids. Please, please don't berate yourself for this.<br><br>
Now. Homework for 4 year-olds? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: SN or not, that is just unacceptable. 4 year olds should be playing, not doing drills. Do you have options for schooling? Can you ask the teacher to make an exception for your child? Can you maybe even find other parents in the class who might feel the same way and petition the board about it? I know - like you have the time for that.
 

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Thanks to all of you for your kind replies. Today I am just dying to talk to someone but there isn't anyone.<br><br>
I did a little poor-me crying myself to sleep last night. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself but when you're a working mom and you did EVERY NFL/AP thing you could muster, you can't help but feel frustrated that it wasn't enough! Of course, he is my perfect angel in every way, but I do want him to be successful in the big bad world.<br><br>
I have long doubted that his preschool/daycare is the right setting for him. Fortunately, his teacher and I have very good communication with each other, and she knows that he really is incapable of paper/pencil work. I am 100% opposed to seatwork for early childhood, even early primary. So we do what we can.<br>
She knows that his strength is reading so she and I both work with him on that.<br><br>
Making this a bit more difficult is the fact that I have about 8 kids in my own classroom with IEPs. So I'm doing everything I can to get them to meet their goals, and all the while my kid is in someone else's care. It's hard to let that go.<br><br>
Again, thanks for listening. I just wish you were all real and could be here to talk to me!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FitMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10312511"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just wish you were all real</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This really made me laugh.<br><br>
Hang in there mama! Don't beat yourself up at all about the 'not enough' thing, by the way. Imagine where he'd be if you hadn't been such a caring and involved mother!
 

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The first step to being a better mom to your child is to stop beating yourself up. Really trust me on that one. I learned it the hard way.<br><br>
I also had my blinders on, and didn't go ahead and get my sons tested for autism until they were 5. I kept telling myself that such loving, social boys couldn't have autism. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I "wasted" a lot of time when they could have been receiving services and specialized help, but I've come to see that it's pretty common for that to happen. And it's okay.<br><br>
My son James passed away before he received autism-specific help, and part of me is actually grateful that we delayed the diagnosis. If I had him diagnosed when he was three, and receiving the 24 hours a week of ABA therapy (the standard treatment in our state) for the last few years, our lives would have been a maze of therapists and therapies and treatments around the clock. 1) I didn't have the energy--emotional or physical--to do those things then. 2) During that time, instead of being focused on the dozens of people coming in and out of our house for treatments, I was able to just be a *mom*. To take him to the beach, to laze around and cuddle with him, to enjoy lots and lots of free time with him.<br><br>
I'm glad I was able to spend those early years focused on our relationship, and not therapies and diagnoses. Does that make sense? It was a precious time, the rewards of which were (I believe) every bit as valuable to him as therapy would have been.<br><br>
Now, though, my oldest son has his diagnosis (PDD-NOS), and I *do* have the energy to pursue treatment and therapies. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I have my blinders off. I can move forward without so much sadness, resentment, and fear. And I think, even though my son is almost 6, my current attitude will be much better than I would have been if I had forced reality onto myself years ago.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> Sometimes there are rewards in keeping the blinders on for a while. Sometimes you needed that time to focus on building a relationship with your child (instead of your child's condition/disorder). Sometimes you needed that time to store up some energy and the will to move forward. It's okay.
 
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