[bronxmom]

This will probably be kind of long and not sure there's any advice that can be given - more just a vent, but:

We had decided to name our baby after my partner's dad - whether girl or boy. If a girl, the name was going to be Dani, which I LOVED. If a boy, it would be Danny with full name Daniel, but we'd call him Danny. I was not as jazzed about the boy name but had really attached to the name Dani for a girl and was convinced I'd have a girl - mostly just because that's what I really wanted. About a month ago, we found out it was a boy and I was not thrilled (see previous post about coming to terms with a boy). We began to talk names and I realized that this baby was Danny regardless. I just had come to bond with the baby as a Danny and it helped me somehow to make "him" more real to me. We all started calling him Danny - me, my partner and my daughter.

The back story is that my partner's dad committed suicide 6 years ago. This obviously means there's a lot of intensity around the name. At the same time, this is a man who EVERYONE who ever met him loves intensely and just sounds like he was an amazing person and amazing dad. I never met him - he died a year before my partner and I met - and it's a loss I've always felt greatly. My partner has a sister and a mom who he's very close to - his dad's side of the family kind of abandoned all of them when his dad died so there's no real relationship there. Part of naming the baby after his dad was a way of honoring him and remembering him and allowing him somehow post-humously a role in his first grandchild's life.

So, anyways, 2 days ago my partner asked his sister how she felt about the name and if she was okay with it. This was always a plan and so I should have been prepared for her not being okay with it. At the same time, it's the only name we've really talked about and she's heard it a bunch and never said anything so I didn't really think about it being an issue. So, of course, she does have an issue with it and said it would make it hard for her and sad. My partner was crying when he got off the phone with her, not so much for the name, but I think because he's sad that his sister obviously still has so many unresolved feelings about the situation. He was pretty happy about the name, but willing to give it up pretty easily. And I agreed that we couldn't name the baby after his dad if it was going to upset his sister.

BUT, yesterday I realized how upset I am about it for so many reasons that seem to boil down to:
-I really feel like Danny is the baby's name and have attached to him as such.
-Having that attachment has been a crucial part of connecting with my baby boy, when I really wanted a girl. She would have been okay with Dani for a girl and so this is just one more reason that I'm disappointed it's a boy.
-I feel rejected and further shut out of his family, which is an ongoing issue. I know it's not about me at all, but it still hurts that no one was excited about us doing this. I should mention that his mom didn't say she had an issue but she didn't sound excited either - more just neutral; hard to know what she's thinking.
-Naming the baby after his dad was a way for me to have a connection to his dad too.

I was crying for an hour last night and starting to cry again just writing this. My partner feels totally torn in the middle, which I feel terribly about. And it's not like I would do any different - it's not like I want him to say that we're going to go with the name anyways and he's refusing. I see her opinion as an automatic veto - like there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I could have imagined doing differently is not asking her in the first place and assumed that she would have fallen in love with this baby right away and it wouldn't have been as big a deal in reality. But we didn't do that and my partner is really happy we asked and that she told the truth about how she felt. I'm a little frustrated because I feel like we're making a lifetime decision based on how she feels right now - and that could easily change. And we are not having another baby and I would be super-angry if she named her kid after their dad so it means that it won't ever happen. So it feels almost like their dad dying all over again.

Anyways, I feel terrible and I feel bad about being so sad and upset about the situation. They are the ones who have to deal with losing their father at a very young age (my partner was 24 and his sister 21 when he died) and going through their lives without him. But still it feels like such a loss - and I can't connect with any other names. I'm thinking of taking a 6 week break from the name thing and trying to come up with a nickname to bond to this baby and then going at it again. Everything else I come up with now just feels wrong.

 

[Kabes]

First - You are doing such a good job of being considerate of everyone's feeling in a very sensitive situation.

My mother was murdered when I was 18. I couldn't name my first daughter after her because my SIL had already named her DD, Faith. (Shw was born 3 months before I met DH so it wasn't intentional.) My DD's middle name is Faith. I'm kind of glad now because it leaves Faith for my brother's child if he decides he wants to use it.

I think you should write your SIL a letter. Explain how you feel about the name, what you said about future use, etc-. Give her lots of time without mentioning it; it 6-8 weeks have your DP ask her where she is on the issue and go from there.

Oh geez, crashing a DDC *again*, sorry!

 

[sarahmagoo]

I'll echo the previous poster in saying how wonderful it is that you are being so thoughtful and considerate of all of the feelings involved.

Would you consider Daniel/Danny as a middle name. My sister died last summer, and I don't feel entirely comfortable using her name as baby's first name, but we will use it as baby's middle name. I think that it's becuase the circumstances of her death were so tragic. She left us very suddenly and way too soon and somehow the situation is just too emotionally charged to use her first name, so I can understand where your DP's sister is coming from.

I actually have my grandmother's name as my middle name as she died close to the time that I was conceived. I've always liked that - kind of gave me a connection to her even though I'm the only grandchild that she never knew. If you talk to your son about his grandfather and how he shares the same name, hopefully your son will feel a connection to him too.

Anyay, I hope that you can come up with a compromise that you are all satisfied with it. Naming a baby can be so hard!

 

[philomom]

I know that you are attached to the name.... but it's not worth messing up the family over. I haven't spoken to my sister in over three years because she used the name of my stillborn son against my express wishes for her not to. Can you imagine? I lost my firstborn child and my own sister names her child that name. I can't get over it. Aren't there 499 other names in the baby book?

 

[sarahmagoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by philomom I know that you are attached to the name.... but it's not worth messing up the family over. I haven't spoken to my sister in over three years because she used the name of my stillborn son against my express wishes for her not to. Can you imagine? I lost my firstborn child and my own sister names her child that name. I can't get over it. Aren't there 499 other names in the baby book?

Wow... I'm seriously speachless.

 

[avivaelona]

I am sure that is very hard. I'm sorry you are hurting because of it, what a sad loss that must have been for everyone, and I think the loss of a name can be very sad too. I do have some suggestions, I hope one of them maybe helps:

--wait a few weeks and have DH gently approach SIL again, have him explain how it just really feels to both of you that this baby IS Danny. She may have been surprised by the intial request, and had an immediate emotional reaction, but with time to reflect may come to see it as an amazing tribute to her dad. I can see the initial request being strange but she may get used to it over a period of several weeks.

--use Daniel as the babies middle OR first name and call him Danny in your immediate family but let extended family call him something else.

--Decide not to use Danny but let it be the babies womb name if you want...you can keep that connection to the baby that way, when he's born he can get a "new birthing name" its not uncommon for people to have different names at different stages of life and maybe Danny really is this child's name right now, but when you look at his face its actually possible that you will "see" another name yourself. (I'd think of a few you like to at least try out) Keep looking at other names meanwhile, I don't think you have to stop yourself from calling the baby Danny in the meantime and in fact until you choose another name I don't think you should. Its the name for the connection you have right now. Even if you don't "see" another name when you first meet him it may be easier to consider other names actually once he is there and you are getting to know each other outside of the pregnancy bond.

From my experience, we have some different but equally emotionally charged issues in naming. For my son he had a womb nickname immediately but we settled on a name around 16 weeks and for a few weeks we referred to him as that name and it even seemed like "his" name. Then around 22 weeks we had a longer Ultrasound and watching him on the screen, his name started to seem unsure to me. I had found the name that is now his and had put it aside as a possibility that I liked but DH wasn't that comfortable with but it just suddenly started to seem like his name. I talked about it with DH who in the meantime had also started to turn it over not feeling that comfortable with the name that we thought we had chosen...it turned out that we kept that second name and it was just right.

With my current pregnancy I've got a name that we both think is right, and feels like the babies name at this point but its so emotionally charged that we are also coming up with alternatives just in case we just can't use it.

Also one last thought, was your FIL named Daniel? Is it possible that SIL was planning on using that for a someday baby and is feeling possessive? It may work if you use a different name that gives the nickname Danny in that case, there aren't a ton but there are some. It doesn't seem you are real attached to Daniel but rather to the nickname and that might be an acceptable solution to her?

When that baby is inside in some ways all they are is a few punches and kicks and a name (whether a womb name or a "real" one) I totally understand being very attached to the name. Once they are here, I think it feels just a little bit different...they become more multi-faceted and while they still might seem very much like a certain name it seems to me at least that there is just more facets of their personality that become obvious and more "room" to hang other names somehow. (though sometimes the one you picked just turns out not to fit anywhere!) Obviously not everyone feels that way but when I think of how many different things one might get called over a lifetime it just seems true to me. Good luck and lots of

for a difficult situation.

Philomom a

to you too, I'm sure that is really hard on you (I can imagine very well unfortunately). I think its a different situation than this is, (Dad belonged to DH as much as to SIL and he was an adult not her child) but yes, if in the end its really just too painful for SIL you probably should choose another name for the child to be called.

I remember a situation on another board where a mom lost a baby and her sister named their dog the same name but spelled differently and it was truly awful for her, so I'm glad you ARE being sensitive bronxmom, I'm sorry its causing you pain.

 

[Mamaperk]

I haven't had time to read all the responses but wanted to say that this may be for the best ... You really loved the name "Dani" for a girl and may get your chance to name your daughter Dani should you be blessed again. If so, your SIL won't have an issue with it ... more time will have passed for everyone to get used to that idea, etc.

In the meantime, you have a lot of time to find a perfect name for your son if you choose to pick something else. Perhaps _____ Daniel where you aren't actually calling him "Danny" would work?

What is your most favorite boy name?

Just trying to look on the bright side because clearly you are trying so hard to meet everyone's needs in this situation.

((( hugs )))

 

[zinemama]

Not in your ddc, but I couldn't help reading. The thing about this story tha puzzles me is that your SIL has heard you and her brother mention the name often and has never said anything. She apparently was going to be fine with it until specifically asked.

I have to say that, it sounds to me like her unresolved feelings about her father and you naming the baby after him are two separate issues. No matter what you name your child, she's still going to have those feelings and need to come to some kind of peace with what happened. She will need to do this for herself.

For your dh, naming the baby after his father would be a healing and honoring action. It sounds like it would be a way of remembering the wonderful things about his dad. Your dh seems to be further along the road in having come to terms with the suicide.

Your SIL is eventually going to get to the place where your dh is now. And then, she may very much regret trying to sway her brother from honoring their father in this really vital way.

I just don't think this is her decision to make for the two of you. You and your dh, as a new family, get to make that choice, and you have excellent reasons to use the name Danny.

Your sister's reaction, disappointing as it may be, should not make you change your minds. What this reaction should do is signal to her that perhaps she needs some help - or simply more time - in working through her obvious and understandable grief.

Keep the name and honor the man who meant so much to your dh and his sister.

 

[phatchristy]

How about using it as a middle name or using a variant?

We have several relatives who have passed, two in the immediate family, and I would use their names as middle names. It still gives tribute to those who passed, but also allows your child to have their own identity separate from the tragedy.

 

[Starfish11]

Oh, gosh, what a complex, tough situation. I'm so sorry that your passion for your lo is being compromised by all of this. I don't have much to add in way of advice, but

 

[caedmyn]

Would it make any difference to your SIL and still work for you guys if you called him Daniel instead of Danny?

 

[LeaAline]

So sorry to hear of your dillemma.

My only brother died when I was 12 and all my life I planned to use his name, but now... I can't do it. Its just too much... I'm thinking maybe of using it as a nickname or a girl's name, but not for a new and perfect baby boy...

I know its not the same as your situation, but there are so many issues and feelings involved its hard to know what your SIL is feeling.

 

[Swandira]

Quote:

Originally Posted by philomom I know that you are attached to the name.... but it's not worth messing up the family over. I haven't spoken to my sister in over three years because she used the name of my stillborn son against my express wishes for her not to. Can you imagine? I lost my firstborn child and my own sister names her child that name. I can't get over it. Aren't there 499 other names in the baby book?

Wow! That's harsh. She really did that? It's like she's refusing to acknowledge that your baby was a person or that you have a right to mourn him. I'd be angry too -- it's much worse than if the OP were to name her baby for her FIL -- who, after all, was an adult, and it's obvious they're naming the baby after him, not with the same name as him.

Nealy
mama to T, 5; L, 2; and baby boy EDD 12/20/08