[rclaz]

So, when I got preg with DD, we were ELATED. It had been 18 long months of trying, and we were on cloud 9...the entire pregnancy. Happy as a clam. Had a c/s due to a placenta previa. That was no in the plan and definitely caused anxiety/fear/disappointment. But, all manageable. DD born, happy, happy...3 days later, tearing and crying. Baby blues, but manageable. Went home, DD not breastfeeding well, not sleeping well. Sleeps 30-45 minutes, wakes up screams and cries, feed more, pulls off after 10-15 minutes, more screaming and crying, not sure why...this goes on for almost the first 3 months. I become walking zombie. Can't sleep even when have opportunity. Can't shut brain off. Convinced Baby and husband would better off without me. Pack bags twice and walk around aimlessly knowing I can't "leave." Feel worthless, like a failure, a terrible mom, decide having baby was a mistake and will NEVER have another. Started seeing PPD counselor. BIG help. Around 2.5-3 months DD stops crying so much, sleeping better...the clouds open and see a light at the end of the tunnel. By 4 months I feel like a whole new mom. LOVE being mom. But, traumatized, honestly. Took me her first 1.5 years of life to even consider the risk of going back to that state again. Am 24 weeks pregnant now with #2 (DS!!) Have been THRILLED to be pregnant again. Have been feeling depressed, sad, blue for "reasons" but none that feel valid enough to be bringing on this kind of emotion. Took a walk by myself yesterday and thought that maybe I should just have the baby and then leave. That I'm a bad wife and mom and I will just ruin my kids. Had this reaction after my DD (2.5) had a 40 minute meltdown b/c I put away a towel and that was apparently not part of HER plan. I couldn't reason with her, talk with her, distract her...nothing. She's really been a challenge lately, and I'm not proud of how I'm handling it. I am disappointed in myself. "I" am the parent. "I" am the adult. "I" should be able to cope with my emotions better. She flipped b/c I tried to put a coat on her to go outside and play. Usually I'd just let her take the consequences, which is to get cold and then let HER make the choice to put it on. This time, I threw it in the garbage and walked away. I mean ???!!! What was that?! This morning DH tried to take my maternity pillow when I got up, and I got REALLY mad at him. I was the 2 year old. I told him, "it is MINE and you're going to ruin it!" I was furious. What is wrong with me? Is this linked to the PPD? I so sorry this is going to get worse. I have supportive friends. DH is a great husband. I have a wonderful Doula. I've already been talking to her about Post Partum Doula, I have a therapist I've been seeing who specializes in moms. I eat well, drink lots of water, exercise, do prenatal yoga, hypnobirthing classes...and yet, I feel like garbage emotionally. I don't know what to do, but this is NOT what I had hoped for this pregnancy.
Anyone have any thoughts, ideas? Been there? I feel so sad.

 

[LynnS6]

I'm sorry you had PPD with #1 and are feeling like this again.

Return of the symptoms when you're pregnant is pretty common, especially if you're stressed. (Anyone with a 2 year old who is pregnant is stressed!) The hormones also mess with your brain chemicals and can send you down that path again.

I had PPD with #1 and a complete return of symptoms while pg with #2. I went on meds and I'm glad I did. Counseling alone wasn't doing it. I was on meds when dd was born (had to increase them a bit), and it really helped keep me stable. I was actually able to do things with my 2 kids when dd was a newborn that I would never have dared when ds was a newborn -- even simple things like take a walk!

I would highly recommend you talk to your midwife/doctor and to the counselor you talked to last time. It looks like some extra help is definitely needed right now.

 

[Gale Force]

nak

I totally know what you mean about being traumatized. I could not hear a newborn baby cry without wanting to run. I was too scared to get pg again. The first time around it got real bad at 25 weeks or so and continued forever it seemed (2 yrs postpartum).

Everything you did before that helped, do that immediately.
My baby is 4 mo now and I am having a bit of depression now for the first time (miracle in itself) but got through to this point very well. I didn't blog much in the pg, but you might read some of my blog from that time. there could be a useful item or two. Here's when I announced it -- pregnancy depression

 

[rclaz]

Thank you so much, ladies. I really appreciate your replies. I'm pulling out of my slump here a bit. I don't know what has changed. But, I am feeling a bit less dreary. It CERTAINLY helps to know I am not alone. Thanks for reaching out!!