[snuggly mama]

I have been agonizing over this for days (more like weeks), and I've finally worn myself out. I am so hoping that some wise mamas can help me sort out my problem! Please forgive me in advance for the rambling.

I am planning to go to the LLL International Conference in a couple of weeks. I've registered, booked a train, and found a roommate. I'll be gone for 4-5 days. The thing is, I don't know if I really want to go. I'm a SAHM of 10yo dd, 8yo ds, and 4yo dd. The 4yo has lots of SN, lots of complex medical issues. All of them would stay home with dh, since the five of us going is completely out of the question. So here's my dilemma: I do some volunteer administrative work for LLL, so it feels like part of my "job" to attend this event. I feel like if I don't go, I'm really letting a lot of people down. I missed an Area event in the spring because dd was hospitalized, and I'm afraid people will somehow think me irresponsible if I cancel again. I am equally afraid, though, that dd really WILL get sick while I am gone, and I'll be 8 hours away from her. Add to this my very real fear of flying (thus the train), and the fact that I have never, ever traveled alone, and I'm pretty much a nervous wreck right now. I don't want dh to think I don't trust him to watch the kids, because he would totally do a great job. I just feel uncomfortable about being so far away from my family. The other thing is, I left youngest dd during winter break -- she stayed home w/dh while big kids and I went away for a few days. It was a nice break for us, we were only a couple of hours from home, and dh stayed home w/dd the entire time. BUT, when I got back, dd was really upset for over a week. She wouldn't let me hold or comfort her, didn't want anything to do with me, really. She even told me she was mad at me for going away. I don't want to do that to her again. I try really hard to balance having a "normal" life with recognizing that because of dd's special needs, we really aren't a normal family. I just don't know how much that should be a factor here.

When I initially planned for this trip, I was excited, though somewhat hesitant. Now that it's so much closer, I'm pretty much just freaking out. I really do want to do a good job here, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Dh says he'll support me, whatever I decide. I do worry that he'd somehow be disappointed in me if I don't go, though. I wish I could figure out what it is that I really want. Maybe talking it through with some of you mamas will help me clarify my own feelings.

 

[dharmamama]

My personal opinion is that, even though you have a child with special needs, you are still entitled to have a life outside of that. I think you should go, IF you will be able to enjoy yourself. If you will just worry and be anxious the entire time, you will just be spending a lot of money for nothing.

I think that it's completely fine for a four-year-old to be left with Dad, who is, after all, equally as much her parent as you are. Will she be mad if you go? Maybe, but I think that your job as the parent of a four-year-old is to help her manage and cope with her feelings, not to shield her from having them.

Namaste!

 

[DaisyRose]

Are you the sort of person who has good instincts? Can you generally trust your own heart?

If so, then trust the fact that you are freaking out to mean your instincts are telling you this is not right for you at this time.

Trust your own heart, mama. People hardly ever get freaked out when they do the RIGHT thing.

 

[velochic]

I'm a leader and the beauty of LLL is it's volunteer work for something you believe in. Part of the philosophy is that your kids come first. It's cornerstone to what the organization is about. If you don't feel comfortable with leaving, go with your heart. And remember... "every mother knows her [child] best".

 

[Willowrose]

Velochic is right. Kids come first at LLL. I would go with your gut. I think you would have an unsettling trip if you went. You might just be waiting for something to happen and thus, unable to enjoy yourself anyway. Good luck, what a difficult decision.

 

[snuggly mama]

Dh was very supportive last night when I was finally able to talk. I'm working towards a resolution, even though I'm not sure what my final decision will be. It's nice to hear some viewpoints that echo my own feelings (but without the emotional baggage I'm bringing to my own situation). I do think it's important for dd to know that other people can competently care for her. I also think that my mama heart is trying to be heard here, too. So far, all I've managed to do is decide that at the least, I'm cutting the trip to a shorter stay. I can do part of the conference and leave early. Not sure if that's worth the aggravation of traveling over a holiday weekend, but I'm still thinking about that. I'm also considering taking a plane if I do go, instead of the train. I'm very fearful of flying, so that's a tough one, but the time savings is pretty big. Oh, why are none of these decisions ever easy? When dd was very sick, I was able to make good, quick, life-and-death decisions about her care. Now, I can't even make the simplest choice -- ugh!!!