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desperate for help mommas!!

703 Views 17 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  mamajama, 
H
12
I posted before in the childhood section but i am loosing it!

we are a GD family and have five kids...my third child is my 8 year old son.

we co-slept and when they were bigger they moved into each other's bed and shared.

Now my eldest son is 10 he and his 8 year old brother share a room, they have two seperate beds (very close together) and they shared in my elder son's bed. Well this year my older son very respectfully asked if he could sleep alone sometimes. I think a VERY very request, he was even willing to compromise and despite being uncomfortable -lets his brother sleep with him if he could only sleep alone sometimes.

well we have had months and months of bedtime horror. Every single night he sleps alone (only two feet from his brother) he FLIPS>
:

I feel like i have tried everything.. we remind him of nice things to think about at bed time..rewards.. special toys, laying with him, dream catchers, worry people, poems, stories, alters, being strict taking his brother out of the room..

i am going nuts and increasingly i have no patients to communicate with him calmly!!!


he is making his brother feel so guilty.. he keeps all the other kids up for hours.. i was up till after 2 last night and than still had to be up in an hour to nurse my baby.

at bed time my 1 yr old has to wait to be nursed.. all the other kids do not get snuggled as much..he will say he is scared, but of nothing in particular.. he will say he is sick, and than we have NO idea when he actually is...

How do i cope with a situation that has been going on THIS long and still remain calm and loving??? especially when i am so exhausted i feel like i just want to sit down and cry.


Todayy my step mom said "time for tough love, put him somewhere alone and let him deal"
.. we have tried just letting him work it out and he doesn't.. he just cries for hours.. we snuggle and talk abotu positive happy things..but i am at a lost.

If somethign is hard on my kids I do nto want to just abandon them with it.. btu i am thin in patients here.. last nigth was me sayign calming for hours.. please honey just close yer eyes.. think about this or this or this.... hugging.. speaking sternly.. everything until i snapped.. than i feel guilty too.

help!!!!

anything. at. all.??
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mandib50
3
oh wow hf

i am so sorry. that is such a tough situation. do you have room for a mattress on the floor in your room for a while that he would be able to sleep on? would that option even work?
you must be exhausted
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A
How about letting him back into your bed with the baby? Would that make him feel better?


-Angela
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M
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead
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H
thanx for soem feedback mommas!!

I bring him into my room often// last nigth i brougth him in around 11, tellign him honeslty i was alreay exhausted from being up the night before with our babe.. he proceeded to whine (not talk.. but make a whimpering noise) until two..when i lost it after communicating with much love for hours..

I am not sure I will do whatever he needs.. but I already can not sleep with my own partner because i have my own taruamas and *I* can not handle him and our baby...it would be the 8 year old and no baby..

and he still whined and whimpered for hours last nigth in my room.

A few people have asked if he could have been traumatized but i dunno i watched this routine develop for him.. it started because his brother would just submit if he saw him sad.. and developed into this when i tried to intervene and let my older son have some body space.

to be honest it feels like we are all being manipulated. And i do not like even thinkign that abtou my own son..
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H
i think i will go get a walkman RIGHT now..heh i like that idea and i am desperate!! thanx agains..
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mandib50

it's okay to think what you think hf ... even if it's about people we love. do you know a counsellor or someone where you live who you trust that works with kids who could help you with some more ideas?

one more thing ... have you asked him what he thinks would help him?
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H
many times..heh.
small town so we are limited in the way of counsellors but i don't feel this warrants it anyway.

i feel like he needs to see that we will wait him uot and be here either way.
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C
5
You got some good ideas from these other ladies. But, if they don't work then this may. If you and your ds have bedrooms that share the same wall. My daughter wanted to sleep in her ouw room but got scared sometimes. It worked for us. You and he can trace your hands then put a picture of you or write something on yours and he can do the same. Then cut them out and tape yours on this wall by the bed and his to your wall by the bed (I had to move my bed to get it to the right spot). Then, when he feels like he wants you he can just put his hand on your traced hand and yell "Mom" and then you will put your hand on his traced hand and it will be like the two of you holding hands.
It sounds like you aren't to that point yet. But, may be in the future it may help out. good luck with all of this. Poor little guy.
Poor mama

to him and
to you mama. I hope you are all able to work this out soon!
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M
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead
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C
thanks
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E
OK, I'm sure I'm missing something obvious -- your 10 YO wants to sleep alone and the 8 YO has the issues, right? You now sleep with the baby. So, where is child number 4? Could the 8 YO sleep with that child?

More brainstorm ideas, some of which may not be practical...

Have you had any time away from home that might break the cycle? Something like a camping trip where everyone is in their own sleeping bags but all together? Even a mock trip in your backyard? Something just different to break the "its every day" sort of cycle?

Do you have a partner and where is he/she in all of this? Can they sleep with 8 YO? Can they give you a couple of nights just to get yourself back to a good space?

Does 8 YO fall asleep in the car and could you carry him in if he did? I can still carry in my 6 YO but I don't know if I could in another year or so. I can't get him into bed but can get him on the sofa. At least you could maybe get a couple of extra hours that way.

Could you change 8 YO bedroom so he is somewhere different? Just to break the associations he has now with his current room?

Would he respond to being rocked to sleep? Or reading? Or singing?

I assume you have tried all of the usual sleep inducing stuff like massage, warm bath, warm milk, camomile tea, white noise, high carb snack... How about a brandy, maybe even one for you too? (That was a JOKE, but it is sometimes how I feel after one of mine won't sleep and I only have 2!)

Like I said, I don't know if any of that helps, just trying to think of what I do when we get into these sorts of patterns. For me, breaking the pattern is really the key. That and doing everything I can to keep my own sanity in place, even if that means taking extra "me" time during the day or hiring a sitter so I can nap during the day to deal with the evening stuff. Why do they always do this whe mommy is super-exhausted?
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H
i totally appreciate the brain stormnig.. even if i had tried stf.. it helps to hear it again ya know?

my kids are 12, 10, 8, 6 and 16 months..my two daughters.. 12 and 6 share a room.. and I would say for sure to one of them sharing.. btu to be honest they are so turned off by him keeping them up now they do not want to.. i WISH!

I love love love the idea of the hands.. we do not share walls.. btu i might do it anyways..

we let the kids camp out in the living room and the yard.. but so far it works but as soon as his next turn to sleep on hs own comes again he still flips out.
Tonite i gifted him a discman.. i liked that suggestion. and while all my other kids were a tad bit green he loved it and so far so good.

I plan on only lettign him use it when he is alone in his own bed i burned him all his fave songs.. so i HOPE it works for all our sakes!!
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S
More brainstorming -- when I was little I did not have my own room/bed so I rotated between my mom's bed, my sister's bed and my brother's bed until I was 10. (my sister moved out then and I got her room)

Maybe your other kiddos would share their rooms/bed if they knew it was not an EVERY night thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hawkfeather
i totally appreciate the brain stormnig.. even if i had tried stf.. it helps to hear it again ya know?

my kids are 12, 10, 8, 6 and 16 months..my two daughters.. 12 and 6 share a room.. and I would say for sure to one of them sharing.. btu to be honest they are so turned off by him keeping them up now they do not want to.. i WISH!

I love love love the idea of the hands.. we do not share walls.. btu i might do it anyways..

we let the kids camp out in the living room and the yard.. but so far it works but as soon as his next turn to sleep on hs own comes again he still flips out.
Tonite i gifted him a discman.. i liked that suggestion. and while all my other kids were a tad bit green he loved it and so far so good.

I plan on only lettign him use it when he is alone in his own bed i burned him all his fave songs.. so i HOPE it works for all our sakes!!
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H
he sleeps with his brother every other night..that was supposed to eb the compromise.. I will talk to his sisters and see how they fel too.. it is a great idea!

as an update;

last nigth i gifted him a disc man at bedtime and burned a cd of his fave music.. he went to sleep with a big old msile on his face!

the disc man may only be used at bed time in his one bed..so we will see but i feel great today!
best sleep i ahev had in a while..except for the spider that walked across my face.. but that is un related!
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ryleeee
Quote:
the disc man may only be used at bed time in his one bed..so we will see but i feel great today!
best sleep i ahev had in a while..except for the spider that walked across my face.. but that is un related!


what a great suggestion! i'm glad it worked. i hope it works tonight too!
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alexsam
Great idea! Hope all s well. Give us an update!
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M
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead
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