[alaska]

My ds (4.5) and dd (2 next week) go to my sister's one to two times a week while I work. my sis is a dcp so she has other kids at home - plus her own. She just moved to town so this is a fairly new problem.... and that problem is the interaction between my son, his cousin who is 5, and the mutual friend who is 4.3 and whom my DS has known since they were 4 months old.

Prior to hanging out at my sister's house, my DS wasn't a hitter. Now I think this is primarily because we hung out a lot at home, with the random play dates thrown in, he didn't feel a lot of stress being around other kids, and it just isn't his nature, IMO. My nephews are hitters, as is the friend. Now so is DS. My sister handles it all well and in a calm, gentle way (though she does use time outs.) but it's doing nothing to stop the behavior. The bickering is about to drive her crazy.

My question is this. What, if anything, can I do after the fact to help stem this behavior? I'm just at a loss. He hit twice last year in preschool. after the first time, I arranged with his teachers that if it happened again, they were to separate him and call either myself or DH and that we'd pick him up immediately. That only happened once. The second time he hit (the first time we were called) we explained that he could not stay in school and behave that way; it was disruptive to the other kids and it was not acceptable behavior. He was upset, he likes school. He never did it again. But I can't leave work to go get him from my sisters. I'm really struggling with how to address this.

does anyone have any advice? Please?

 

[alaska]

41 views and no advice? I was about to be bumped on to the second page - does anyone have any advice?

 

[Roar]

I think there are lots of views and not a lot of advice because there probably really isn't anything you can do outside of the moment. I would make sure this is really a good environment for your kids - how many kids are there and how big is the space. I think the child care provider needs to be setting up clear rules and helping kids talk through conflicts when they happen so they can learn to use their words.

 

[alaska]

so is it that I can't get advice because you really can't discipline after the fact? I thought that might be the case; I guess no one answered because it was a stupid question.

thank you anyway

I'll just go back to lurking.

 

[elizawill]

unfortunately, this ball really falls in your sister's court. you can't tell your son not to hit if he is being hit himself. it's just not a realistic expectation at his age (probably). it sounds like your sister is doing the best she can, and frankly i think using time-outs in this particular setting with three aggressive boys that aren't siblings is a very fair consequence. otherwise, she's pretty helpless. she can try to redirect and use rewards too, but if a child ignores warnings and continues to hit, i think a time-out is appropriate. i don't have much help or advice i know...sorry.

 

[mamaduck]

Its not a stupid question.

I do think this is the DCP's responsibility to deal with. You can determine if the environment is a good fit for your child, but I believe that disciplining at home for something that occurs at school/childcare is not going to do anything except to stir up bad feelings.

I can't help but wonder if your Sis. is providing adequate structure? Does she a flexible schedule that they follow? Does it involve enough stimulating activities to keep three 4-5 yo's busy and engaged? The best way to prevent this sort of thing is to keep everyone engaged. If she is working with much younger children though, this is going to be hard to do.

 

[alaska]

she does really well with them, actually - they do music "classes", art, cooking, free play, quiet time, and do a lot of playing outside. she does have a few 2 year olds in the mix though, so she can't engage the older ones 100% of the time...

she did come up with what I think is a good idea - she's doing a joint "progress" chart. she's listing some positive concepts like "we shared," "we spoke nicely" "we didnt use our hands" ...they'll get smiley faces when they accomplish one of these positive tasks, and after however many she decides on (the details aren't worked out yet), they'll get a special privilege like a special outing to our local play space or art center. It'll encourage them to work together to earn the stickers - I thought it was a great idea.