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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
seriously, I had to walk in the living room at 6:15 and ask him how he expects to go to work with just 3 hours sleep. Plus he has to watch ds while I work tonight. He said nothing. He always says nothing. I think he went to bed at 7am. but didnt go into work until 12noon. so he is putting in very few hours, and that means not a whole lot of money to pay the bills.<br>
THis is every day and night. Certain games are always on. He does not drink or smoke. His father is an alocholic and so are his brothers. and so my friends, I believe this is his addiction. It really is causing a rift. It's to the point where his gaming is obsessive.<br><br>
What can I do? He has no interest in sex lately. I mean a looong lately. I was thinking, multivitamin? It's a start. Once ds goes to bed, games go on and I am ignored. I hate it. hate it.<br>
Anyone who can help me please?
 

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My exhusband was ( and still is) addicted to TV. I have no advise. Just sympathy. He is now my exhusband because I could not take it anymore....
 

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My dh has exactly the same addiction... and also doesn't drink or smoke or party or else. Even once he bought me some games so I could understand his happines with it (of course I couldn't). The only remedy I found is me getting first to the computer :LOL telling him that I'm waiting for a very important e-mail or something like that. I think is their way to avoid responsabilities and delay solving problems, he needs to accept his adiction (as mine did) but also to look for a solution (as mine hasn't....yet).<br>
If the multivitamin works, please let me now!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rotflmao"> j/k . Seriously, good luck with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
rereading the multivitamin thing, you are right, what a joke<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rotflmao"> anyway, thanks for the replies. You are dead on about the avoidance of responsibilites. It is never a good time to discuss anything like the bills or who is taking the car tomorrow. AHHH, and while hogging the computer seems like a good idea, he has the dreaded XBOX to play live with a thousand others just like him! DRAT!
 

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My partner is playing gamespy a lot. I'm freakin' glad he doesn't have an X-box, and I hope he never finds out about it!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: I think it has something to do with the male urge to hunt, cause in the one he plays, he's "killing" other players. I admit, I like games too, right now I'm playing internet checkers, but I'm trying to do something else at the same time (write this). Women are better adapted to multi-tasking I guess. I personally feel guilty, if I'm just playing a game, like I should be cleaning the house or something, or writing to other moms on mothering.com........
 

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As I father who enjoys playing video games I can see the concern that spouses have for their DH's. When me and my wife decided to have a child I knew that I would have to give up stuff I want to do for my child. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Bolt.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bolt"><br><br>
Sorta reminds me of being married.<br><br>
For my wife her big hobby is making diapers. She will stay up to late finishing a diaper that could have waited until tomorrow. She doesn't want to quit until tomorrow. With video games it is a similar issue. The problem is that they are task-oriented games. Find that, kill that, capture it, or kiss the princess. These small accomplishments don't really provide completion, but more of a impetus to complete the game.<br><br>
I have a few suggestions that may help with this problem.<br><br>
1. Sit down sometime and discuss how you wish you cvould spend more time with him. Try not to use terms that give blame but instead express how you miss his company<br><br>
2. Compromise... If you do not have an addiction like perusing e-bay, talking on the phone, or diaper making; pick something that annoys him and commit to improving your marriage by working together. It is not you versus him. it is us versus the addiction<br><br>
3. Marriage Counseling... There may be an underlying issue or it is just the way he escapes. Help him learn other ways to relax and challenge hiself. Or at least have more varied hobbies such as reading.<br><br>
Remember he will probably get defensive; my wife can attest to that herself. Marriage in about giving of oneself to others such as you and your children... remind him of that (in a nice way).<br><br>
Here is a concept I personally employ all the time. All relationships are going to ways. Either you are getting closer or you are drifting away. Accept the fact that they will do something stupid. Welcome to planet earth.
 

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Wow Scheelidaddy, thank you for your answer, this is the first time I hear about this from a daddy's point of view <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">, those tips sound great. Thanks again.
 

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We have had the same problem here.<br>
He would get up at noon or so, play games until the last possible second before he had to get ready for work, then he would go to work without eating breakfast or lunch because he'd waited so long. He'd come home around midnight, say hi and get right back on the computer to play his games. He emerged long enough to eat dinner then he would get back on until sometimes as late as 6am. His days off I barely even saw him.<br>
He wasn't even spending any time with the kids, or me. He was increasingly angry with my 4 year old and I was seeing some really bad things (like he cussed at my 4 year old!) so I told him I was going to leave.<br>
After that, he's cut way down. Hopefully he's realized his family is more important than video games.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I want to thank everyone for their replies. It's sorta glad to know I am not alone. Yes, and thanks to you too scheelidaddy! Some great points. He is already very defensive, and I know he avoids alot of our problems through his gaming. THe one therapist we did see last year was like, 'so whats wrong if he wants to stay home and play games?' She was a woman! I'll contine with some positive action. Maybe I'll get somewhere.<br>
THanks again
 

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Dh has the same problem. After much complaining... I finally said something that made diference...I made him feel guilty that "he is not available for the kids". I told him that he can play but during hours that it does not disrupt the family or is visable since I don't think it is a good example. We have agreed that he can play while ds is napping (older kids at school) with me and after ds goes to bed while older kids do their 1 hour reading. After the kids all go to bed he can play then too. He also has to let me go on to check my email without giving me a hard time since I only do so 1 time per day. It has been working out well althoug he has skiped lunch 3 days in arrow to play and complains of looseing weight!<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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i asked for a PS2 for Xmas just before we got pregnant. my aging computer could not keep up with the latest games, and i hadn't played one for years (i prefer flight sims, some FPS, and adventure/explore games). i got it, had fun with some games, rented a few ... but since dd arrived, i've hardly had time for it. <sniff> i got <b>Grand Theft Auto: Vice City</b> last xmas (dd was 2 months old), and it's a great game ... funny how with work, wife, daughter, layoff, family illness, job search, an' all, i haven't put the disc in for 11 months. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
you have to understand that video/computer games are <b>escapism</b>, and if you dh is indulging to an excessive degree, the problem is probably other than just having a console in the house.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> some games, you run through once, takes 40 or 80 hours, then you've seen it. maybe it has some 1-player or 2-player replay value. other games (online ones) offer endless variety and replay value. i have spent some late hours playing 1 or 2 30-minute "botmatch" games in <b>Red Faction</b> (a FPS shoot 'em up), just for the pure escapism. but i haven't had the time in inclination to indulge in any "story-based" games since dd's arrival ... it's a struggle just to make time to watch the weekly Star Trek episode (taped of course).<br><br>
but in your question, VG could be replaced with "porn," "woodworking," or any other solitary indulgent hobby which provides escape from you and/or baby ... parental responsibilities. at the risk of being pedantic, i would recommend some relationship therapy, PDQ. setting some "hours per day" limits, or "barter" arrangements ("you can have 5 hours of videogaming per week if you give me 5 hours a week away from the baby to indulge <b>my</b> hobby") might help, but you mentioned that communication is also non-functional ... hence my strong suspicion that "something else" is going on.<br><br>
there's always a need for each parent to have some "'me' time" but imHo it has to be balanced. dw and i have discussions about how much "down time" we get (or don't!), what with dh working and doing chores around the house, and dw doing full-time parenting and a few chores and trying to have a life as well. hobbies and toys of the past have simply been usurped by the time consuming job of raising a wonderful child together.
 

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i was just thinking about this today because my partner played from 11 last night until 4 this morning. i wouldnt say it is a problem because he waits until the kids go to bed and also if i asked him to stop playing and hang out with me he surely would.<br>
on the other hand it makes me sick to think that he played video games for 5 hours straight last night, and i cant really explain why. i mean here i am on the computer when i should be at home spending time with my family. (i only get a couple hours, one day a week to get out on my own with a baby, but i still feel guilty about it<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: )<br>
it seems to me that whenever he is doing something recreational, it is fantasy; ie, video games, comic books, rollplaying, movies, etc. it seems like he is not really into activities that are based on reality, or maybe that he is not motivated to seek out activities that are real. sometimes we play scrabble which is really enjoyable to me. he enjoys it as well but he never comes to me and says 'do you want to play scrabble' or 'do you want to read together' ar anything like that. if we go out it is usually to dinner and a movie, which i dont prefer because while i enjoy movies, i could easily do without them.<br>
i guess i sort of know how you feel and sympathize. i want to live and let live but wish i did not have to be exposed to vg at all.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
 

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it all started when atari first came out. my parents bought it for me when i was a wee one. been hooked ever since. atari evolved into intellivision, then coleovision, then sega master vision, nintendo, super nintendo, sega saturn, playstation, then ps2<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> sad.... very very sad.. i spent many days and weekends playing these short-term entertainment systems with my friends. i think this is how japan gets back at us for past conflicts.. turns us into zombies. now, i travel an hour each way to work everyday. have to get up at 5am to be at work for 9( i need my wake up time) when i get home after going through 1 1/2 hours of traffic time, im a little cranky. i looooved playing halflife, and my ps2 grand theft auto. when i got in i give my affections to my wife and our dd, and was told i should relax and loose my aggressions with video games( a GREAT venting mobile). how many wives would say that?!?!? not many .. shes VERY understanding. but it wasnt until about a couple of months ago, that i realized i really only have 3-4 hours of family time every night. i was jipping them. i havent TOUCHED my ps2 in some time now, and MAYBE play a computer game or two on sunday when theyre at church, or when theyre sleeping.<br>
I WAS A HUGE ADDICT!!!! now, i diddnt go through withdrawls like an alcoholic, but i found my family more important than a game. as a venting thing i took up a form of tai chi kungfu, and use it to relax. your hubby has to find out for himself.. even if it means you leaving.<br>
good luck!!<br>
kev
 

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my partner has said that video games are a way for him to vent as well. problem is that it doesnt really seem to help. he still complains about not feeling like he has anyplace to get all his negative energy out. kev it sounds like you and dw have a great relationship: she gave you the space you needed to do something you felt you needed and in the end you decided that it wasnt worth it to you. i wish i could be so selfless. this is just another source on contention between us. i also think that it is great that you found a physical outlet for your energy, tai chi kungfu. i think that this is so great because well i just feel that there is no better outlet for negative energy than a physical one. take care!
 

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thank you hazel<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> i think most people out there should try tai chi . i go before work in morning after going through traffic, and it primes me up for the day.<br>
all in all, people should try to be more understanding of each other . if your mate seems to be taking and not giving at all, words should be spoken. some women might be too spiritual, and think their lifemate knows what they think. sometimes it takes blunt words to make a blunt person understand.<br>
by the by hazel... hahah i love your quote about punk rockers..
 

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I am sure that there is an addictive element in my personality. I've played games on the computer untill 4am before, and I understand the escapism point of view. I find that disturbing to myself however because I don't want to think that I need to escape from my life!<br><br>
So, it's not always VGs and if it's not, it's definately something else. Computer Message Boards, Skateboarding, MB's about skateboarding, Skateboard Magazines, Web/Graphic design, MB's about design, Design Magazines, Music bands(Phish, Grateful Dead), MB's and Magazines about.....well, you get the picture. It's not so much an addiction as it seems to be an obsession(what's the difference though?). I hate the thought that I may be unhappy with my life, and therefore are pining for something else/greater. I know that the bottom line is, I have a very selfish and self-centered personality and therefore I'm just not thinking of others(wife, kids, family) when making decisions. Gah! that sucks!!<br><br>
Ok, sorta off topic. But there were a few things that I felt like I connected with here and I needed to unload.
 

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What's wrong with escapism?<br><br>
I guess I'm a bit biased, since I myself am into computer games, fantasy/SF novels, role-playing games, etc. But I think it's perfectly normal and even healthy to recognize that we don't live in the ideal world, and while the best thing is to work to change that world for the better, what's the matter with taking a break by escaping into a fantasy world?<br><br>
Moderation is important of course, and if someone (especially a parent) is spending enough time/energy/money on escape that it interferes with real life, there's a problem. But if that's not the case, I don't think it's unhealthy of itself.
 

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diff' strokes for diff' folks. believe it or not, one of my fav games (F-117 Stealth Fighter 2.0) was a nighttime ritual before bed. it was a very stealthy game where you had to sneak in, evade radar detection (or, God forbid, visual ID), photograph a tank farm or bomb a bridge, then sneak out. i would do all this without a scratch, then do touch 'n goes at home base for a while. very relaxing, but also fun and challenging.<br><br>
my next pc game, the original X-wing, was as much fun, but enervating and stressful. similar kinds of "flight sim" fun, but very different experiences. go figure. i think VGs are the same. ICO is dreamy and relaxing. Red Faction or Jedi Starfighter are thumb-wearying stress-fests. GTA,... i'm still not sure i understand. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
 

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some women might be too spiritual,<br><br><br>
what a beautiful way to put it. god, it baffles me how different men and women are!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch">
 

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i meant to highlight that as a qoute, but i guess i dont know how. sorry!
 
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