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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When DH and I started out this parenting adventure, we were pretty much on the same page. We were not into AP parenting, we weren't really into any style of parenting, but we pretty much agreed. However, in the 4 1/2 months since our daughters birth, things have changed. He encouraged me to get involved with other mothers, and I found the AP group and the breastfeeding support group in town. I also found this board, and several other sites online. This summer has totally changed me. I was always a pretty compassionate person, animal lover, totally into kids, etc., but I have gotton way into AP'ing and cloth diapering. He's okay with most of it, but he has gone the other direction. He got a job working at a factory, and the guys he works with are a bunch of blue-collar hicks (excuse me for saying so). They believe in spanking as punishment, CIO, beating the dog, so on, and so on.<br>
So we both started on middle ground, but we have both gone in opposite directions. When spanking comes up (I used to believe that it was okay and I would probably spank my kids if necessary), I try to suggest that we will use other methods of discipline. DD is young right now, and this is not an issue yet, but it will be soon enough. Anyway, what do you all think I should do. When I hear of you all co-sleeping it makes me jealous, but I do not want to compromise my marriage. I really don't think co-sleeping would work for us at this point anyway, as DD is used to sleeping by herself, and does not sleep well at all when she sleeps with us, but that's besides the point.<br>
Any advice would be great, especially if you have experienced this yourself. Thanks.
 

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scheelimama,<br><br>
after following your cat post on TAO and thinking about your situation all night and all day, the fact that you and your "D"H differ on parenting styles is a no brainer.<br><br>
it saddens me more than you can ever know, that you are focusing your energy on your "differing parenting styles" when many of us mamas have begged you to get some help for you and your spouse, and you are looking at this like some random "disagreement" btw 2 responsible adults.<br><br>
your husband needs help.<br><br>
YOU need help. you are worth more than this. YOUR daughter will grow up thinking that behavior like your husband's is normal. and then she will repeat the cycle and have no worth for herself. if you don't feel that you are worth it, <i>please</i> consider your daughter. isn't she worth it??<br><br>
he killed your cat. what he did was just as disgusting as taking a rock to your cat's head. it was in his heart to do harm. it was in his heart to hurt you.<br><br>
now that your cat is gone, you are probably safe until he kills your dog. then who will take the brunt of his anger, you or your daughter?<br><br>
i'm thinking of you and hoping you will hear what i'm saying, or what many of the other women here have said.<br><br>
just keep thinking, "would i want my daughter living like i am right now?"<br><br>
my heart is w/you<br>
amy
 

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Okay, he is not that bad, and I mean it. I am not making excuses for him. I have had the education, and I work with people in high risk situations. I know what domestic violence looks like and he is not even close. My daughter will not grow up violently. Believe me, she has me as a role model, and if my husband is violent, I will nip it in the butt. Yes, he threw the cat out, and I am very distraught over it, but he did not kick her, or physically hurt her. He has never hurt me, and he does not verbally attack me. He is a very good husband, and just lacks a bit of empathy. He does not like cats, and had made it known that he wanted to get rid of the cat. The fact that our parenting styles are different IS an issue, though one that can be worked on, but him being supposedly "abusive" is not an issue, because he is not.
 

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He IS abusive because he abused your cat, whether he threw her out to be runover or starved or kicked her to death is not important. It is abuse.<br><br>
You are making a lot of excuses for you dh. Love is blind, I know. If you could hear yourself speak from an objective space, you would see what we are talking about.<br><br>
Your husband physically abused the cat. He emotionally abused you. He will do it again. It will escalate.<br><br>
If he ever spanks your dd, he will be abusing her. He needs help, NOW.<br><br>
And can I please reiterate my plea for a new home for you dog- please?<br><br>
Lauren
 

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I have not read the cat abuse issue.Although, of course,it may need some looking into...<br>
I am replying to the initial question of this post.I,too had (from what is said in THIS origonal post)very much the same experience.Dh did grow up with a cruel biological-out of the home father,a rocky childhood,and 3 very big brothers.He is no stranger to violence in the home.Neither of us were opposed to spanking-until we each did it.Even he cannot bring himself to do it again,and that was 4 years and 3 kids ago.As far as co-sleeping,he worked nights until ds was one,and we just naturally coslept-he was nursing,I was tired,and had tons of room...Well,when dh was home at night he could not sleep w/ds-they litterally fight all night,and still do-long story short,ds was moved into his own bed at 14 mo.ish, his own room at 20ish mo.(I was pregnant again,and dh was concerned about the new baby needing room...)I was hurt by this-I dare say scarred for life,who knows how it affects ds...Now,with dd who is 2,and co-slept since birth,we are due with #3 soon,out of the blue-dh,not me,DH! suggested we move ds's bed next to ours,and we are ALL sleeping in one family bed!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> (for who knows how long,but i am enjoying it while it lasts.)As for the cloth dipering was cheaper,so he was all for it.We have had all our births at home,I think he was just terrified with the first,and let me do what I want...I nurse extendedly-and after 3 years of that and looking tandeming in the face,he is starting to take an active role in supporting that too....<br><br>
What I am trying to say,is,it could happen that he will come around to your side,or you two can find a happy medium..Exposure is a tremendous tool,as is patience,(4 years is a LONG time!)and self education-know exactly why you do what you do the way you do it,and be prepared to lovingly,and gently,but with firm conviction stand up for yourself,child,and beleifs.Sometimes,a guy needs room to realize things for himself,as long as he doesn't walk all over you or you loved ones...Love works miracles...<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Good luck,and keep us posted...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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can you find a local parenting class? look for one on the five love languages of children, or just one on gentle parenting or non-violent communication. you guys need to start doing things together, whether it's classes or just a workbook at home or a with a therapist, so that you are experiencing the same things and can discuss them and come to a mutual understanding.
 

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Eccelent suggestion-this is what we need to do,but sheel-if you got started now, in the beginning,what a differece it could make!!!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by scheelimama</i><br>
[BHe is a very good husband, and just lacks a bit of empathy.[/B]</td>
</tr></table></div>
Lack of empathy is a big. <span style="font-size:large;">BIG.</span> problem. Please don't let anyone treat you, your daughter, or your pets with anything other than gentle, loving kindness. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 
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