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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let me just preface it this way...our 2.5 yo dd moved out of our bed a while ago - so her own bed has been a place where she used to get some sleep...but it isn't anymore. There's just not enough room in our bed with our new baby and our older dd doesn't want to be in our bed anymore - but she doesn't want to sleep in her own bed...alone anyway. I can't sleep in her room because then I don't hear the baby, who still is waking to nurse at night.
Anyway, I would like her to get to sleep a little better. I just am at a loss...

Lately, she has been refusing to sleep...both for days and naps. Yesterday, for example, she didn't nap at all and when we put her down at 8:00 for nighttime, and she resisted. I figured she'd be exhausted, but an hour and a half later, she was up. I tried to get her back in bed, but she was wide awake. By 11:30, I had "had it".

DH laid down with her, but she stayed awake. He then turned a desk lamp on in her room and closed her door. She called for me an hour. It was killing me, but DH feels that by not putting her to sleep on her own that she won't ever fall asleep on her own and that I shouldn't go down there - to let her CIO. So we tried his way - and after he was asleep I went down to her room, where she was totally panicked. I hugged her and turned off the light (she has a little nightlight - but it flickers on and off sometimes - which is why dh turned the other thing on) and sat at the foot of her bed (usually I lay with her). I finally told her that I had to go feed the baby, but she had to stay in her bed - and that I would leave the door open for her. She finally calmed down and fell asleep.

Anyway, my dh tells me that I should have let her CIO a million years ago, so that she could fall asleep on her own. Some guy that he works with let his twins CIO for many hours one night and says they slept fine ever since
: So my dh takes that advice as gospel now. But I strongly disagree with this...I just can't let my baby cry for HOURS and cause her to panic. There has to be another way.

I know I have probably screwed up by going in and lying down with her to get her to sleep. We need to solve this sleep problem and I am sick of being the one who screwed up her sleep training.

Any words of wisdom? I am about to collapse from sleep deprivation.
 

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Is there room in your room to put her bed in there? Or maybe just a sleeping bag on the carpet, or something? So that she can sleep near to you, and you can still be near the baby? My DD refuses to sleep in my bed anymore, but she's having trouble sleeping alone, and we've had to do some bed-juggling to solve the problem. I would think that CIO would only make her more afraid to sleep alone, not less, don't you think?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I totally agree that last nights little CIO session is going to make her more resistant to sleep. I would totally let her come in and sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor, but dh wants her to learn to sleep in her own room...so therein lies our problem.

Maybe I will move next door to her room (we have a guest room there - that also serves as an office.) I was thinking of moving the baby in there with me and dh can have the room to himself - until dd#1 gets used to sleeping on her own.
 

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Wow, it sounds like there are some control issues with your DH. You were "not to go down there"?!! That just doesn't sound healthy. I guess I'd want to think about how I got to the point where I wait for my DH to fall asleep before I go to my panicked DD and see how I could get back to a better place.

I suppose if I were in your position I would try to get things to a healthier balance with DH and in the meantime do what I needed to do for both of my children. If that meant I was with the dc in one part of the house, and DH was in another, then so be it. I guess I'd give him the choice first between that and having DD sleep in our room.
That way I wouldn't be getting into a direct power struggle with DH but things would have to be changing. Parenting doesn't work with one person calling the shots and making everyone else miserable.

Good luck, I truly mean that.
I also hope you're not offended by anything I wrote. DH and I have been there and back again with the controlling stuff and are much happier now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay View Post
Wow, it sounds like there are some control issues with your DH. You were "not to go down there"?!! That just doesn't sound healthy. I guess I'd want to think about how I got to the point where I wait for my DH to fall asleep before I go to my panicked DD and see how I could get back to a better place.

I suppose if I were in your position I would try to get things to a healthier balance with DH and in the meantime do what I needed to do for both of my children. If that meant I was with the dc in one part of the house, and DH was in another, then so be it. I guess I'd give him the choice first between that and having DD sleep in our room.
That way I wouldn't be getting into a direct power struggle with DH but things would have to be changing. Parenting doesn't work with one person calling the shots and making everyone else miserable.

Good luck, I truly mean that.
I also hope you're not offended by anything I wrote. DH and I have been there and back again with the controlling stuff and are much happier now.
Nah, he's not really "controlling" at all :) I knew it would sound really bad typed out
, but this sleep thing is just an area where we have different parenting styles that aren't meshing. His "don't go down there" comment was him speaking out of fatigue and frustration at 12:30 a.m....We are both very peaceful people, which is one of the reasons we were drawn to each other. But as I said before, he's convinced by his colleagues who have kids that CIO is the way to go...ugh.

He's actually a very doting and affectionate father and husband, it's just we have done the night time thing my way - I lay down with her to get her to fall asleep - and now she wants me down in her bed all night long...and now I have another baby to nurse. DH and I would let her in our bed, but she won't have it. Not to mention, that I don't sleep well in her bed at all when I am down there. Then I end up "bedhopping" between her and the baby. I joked that I have been playing musical beds lately!

We do both want her in her own bed at this point, I am just not sure how to get her to sleep and stay asleep. She wakes up all the time if I am not in her bed. How do get her to fall back to sleep in the middle of the night? I'm thinking, keep going down there but just not lay in the bed...? Has this worked for anyone? I just want to teach her to fall asleep on her own without all the antics :)

I also don't want to fall asleep with her in the evening because it's the only "grown up time" I get all day to get anything done - in the evening. KWIM?
 

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uh, I have a very easy suggestion....someone sleep with her! She's 2 right? My 2 year old would have NEVER slept in the dark by himself. I sleep with both my kiddos but if that's not an option someone needs to comfort her at night at least untill she is sleeping. Or let her fall asleep with you and try moving her.

I don't know why you both have the right to be consolled and comforted at night with each other, but your daughter doesn't. Are you only looking for advice on how to sleep train her? Because I think making her stay by herself is going to scare the heck out of her. The only things kids LEARN by CIO is that mommy and daddy won't get me anyways so I might as well just lay here scared to death and not make a sound.

Not to sound harsh, but this is a no brainer to me, just let the poor thing sleep wtih you sometiems. Just because a new baby comes along, doesn't mean they suddenly grow up, in fact they probably need you more. There are actually nights were DH takes the baby more and I snuggle with my toddler and just get up to feed her. they NEED you both at night
 

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OK, I'm glad he's not as controlling as it seemed from your post. My DH has lots of good qualities and it took me awhile to figure out that he was being controlling, but I'm not saying that's your case!
Also, it seems a little late to go the CIO route that your DH's colleague went! It seems like he thinks CIO is still on the table and that's part of the problem you're having.

You said before that your DH wouldn't go for your DD being in your room (on another bed) and then you say DH would be fine with DD in your bed (but not in your room on another bed??) and now you say you both want her in her own bed, in her own room, by herself, so I don't know what to say. Also, I got the idea from your posts that her room is not even on the same floor as yours.
My DS is 5 and I still lie down with him at night til he falls asleep. There were lots of nights he'd wake up and call me and I'd go to him but now that very rarely happens.

So far we've not had the good fortune of a second baby, so I haven't been exactly where you are at. I am sure it is very tiring, but I guess it comes down to a matter of priorities.

I hope you can find a good solution for your DD.
 

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My son has been resisting naps and bedtime as well all of a sudden! He is 2 yrs. 3 months now. I've been laying him down and if he protests I talk to him about how he is not going to get up and sleep is good for him and mommy will sing to him for a moment. Then I leave. If he still has a problem, I go back in and I do not get him up, I just go through the same conversation and I tell him it is "night, night" time and that usually is it. I never turn on the lights.

I think there is a happy medium. You don't have to let your dd cry for hours. You can however, put her in her bed, sing with her, lay with her for 10 minutes, but then when you decide it's time to leave you do. If she protests, talk with her about it and tell her, mommy will only lay with you for a short time and I have done that, now I will sing and then I will leave. It may take a week of consistantly putting her down at the same time each night and going through the same motions each night, but I think she will adapt.

I think your dh is worried that you are being spent physically and emotionally, so he is in "fix it" mode. I think that you have several options! Really good ones.

One thing to think about is picking a consistant bedtime, the same every single night. Not letting her back out of her room after that time and not turning the lights on at all. When you go in to reassure her, it is in the dark and the solution is not for her to get up again.

Another option is to bring the sibling into the room, so they can share. They will not be alone anymore and it is good for them to be together!

Another option is to go ahead and lay down with dd and get a little 30 minute catnap in, and then dh comes and wakes you and you come out of the room, rested and ready for the evenings activities! Dd is happy cause mommy layed down, dh is happy cause you have energy to be an adult and do chores and sex and you can be happy knowing dd didn't have a traumatic sleep experience and you get your adult time that you crave.

There really is no right answer. What works best for your family. And it is going to be trial and error. I would never condone just leaving her to cry for hours on end but I do think she can think and reason and is to the age where you can talk with her about what is going to happen, and you can expect her to adapt to a more reasonable sleep regime, that the two of you compromise on. Hugs to you, it's not easy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Last night went beautifully. I went out yesterday and bought NCSS for Toddlers and read most of it. Our problem with night is a lack of routine. We had a way looser routine than we should have...I also wasn't starting a routine soon enough in the evening.

So we are both reading the book and dh is all on board with it. It's a lot easier to sort these things out at 7:30 p.m. than at 1:30 a.m. :)

So we mapped our our routine for the evening. We tried it last night and it went beautifully. We started our routine at 6:30 w/ a nice warm bath. Then we brushed teeth, and put on jammies...another reason she hasn't slept well - she refuses to dress! The other night, she took her jammies off! So I told her that if she wears her jammies, she can have a binky -- which we got rid of a year ago,
: but hey, she finds comfort in it...so.....whatever...

So we curled up in her bed and read 5 stories. The last one, "The Zabbit" (GREAT BEDTIME BOOK BTW!!!) lulled her to sleep curled up next to me. In an instant I felt her go limp -- by 7:30! It was so nice to feel fall her sleep! She slept until 8:15 this morning and woke up with big smiles!

I think the "cool down" routine was key - that's why last night was so nice. I also need to get her to eat a little more for dinner I think...she isn't much of an eater....

But this was a much better solution. I told dh the CIO will not do. And I also said that it may take a while to figure out what works, but I will not leave her alone when she is really crying...fussing is one thing - all out crying is quite another!
 

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When my younger DD was very young, DH would often take over bedtime duties for the older one (who sleeps in her own bed). He's also the one who would (and still does) get up and go sleep with her if she woke up scared or whatever. This morning I discovered her in bed with us...so don't assume that just because your DD doesn't want to sleep with you now, that she won't change her mind. LOL

Good luck. I don't think that not CIO-ing sets up kids to NOT go to sleep by themselves. My older daughter will go to sleep by herself now without a problem -- she would just prefer that someone stay with her. One day she will probably close the bedroom door in my face and not want me anywhere near her at night, so I try to appreciate lying there at night with her, even when there are other things I need or want to be doing.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by luv my lil pearl View Post

We do both want her in her own bed at this point, I am just not sure how to get her to sleep and stay asleep. She wakes up all the time if I am not in her bed. How do get her to fall back to sleep in the middle of the night? I'm thinking, keep going down there but just not lay in the bed...? Has this worked for anyone? I just want to teach her to fall asleep on her own without all the antics :)

I also don't want to fall asleep with her in the evening because it's the only "grown up time" I get all day to get anything done - in the evening. KWIM?
My DS is 9 and our situation was a little different b/c I was a single mom until recently. He always slept with me and when I was tired of the arrangement for multiple reasons, it was difficult to break the habit at 5 and 6! He basically felt like I needed to be going to sleep when he did - we had the same bed times and would have real problems, crying and the like if I didin't. I worked out a plan, I would sleep in his room sometimes, he would sleep in mine sometimes, and sometimes he had to sleep alone. I don't remember the exact set up but we had an agreement. It took a really long time for him to be comfortable sleeping alone and I think it is because he slept with me for such a long time. I don't know if this plan would work with your 2.5 year old or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Things went well again last night, stuck to the bath and story snuggle routine. She fell asleep again in my arms listening to Eric Carle stories. So the falling asleep thing is going well, so far...

She did wake up in the middle of the night though - 3:30 a.m.-ish -- wide awake and ready to party...UGH! I went down to her room and slept with her -- she stayed in the bed, but was awake for SOOOOOOO long - probably an hour and a half. Finally, I turned off the hallway light that I usually leave on for her (she still has a little nightlight on) and she went back to sleep. I realized that since I have been keeping that light on for her, that we have been having these crazy night wakings. Duh! I thought I was doing her a favor by giving her some light, when actually it's probably been waking her up, telling her it's daytime. I also think her night wakings have been due to overtiredness - because she was sleeping fine for a while - then POW - she has been waking up in the middle of the night WIDE awake.

Anyway, she is actually down for a nap now! Miracle of all miracles! Mostly because dh is home today and has been able to help out with the baby. It's tough to get dd#1 down for a nap when dd#2 is "talking" (she's 6 months old - and is a real loud-mouth


Her room is on the same floor, actually. Just at the opposite end of the house - our house isn't so big though - probably 25-30 feet away. When I was falling asleep in her bed, I could usually hear the baby chirp in the middle of the night, so I would go down and attend to her. The biggest challenge I was having was when they both we wide awake at the same time. We only did the CIO thing the one night
-- and I DO feel like a terrible mama for it (and it ain't gonna happen again!).

We haven't minded her in our bed - so long as she sleeps - but lately she has wanted to chat all night long...and she is related to me and is VERY persistent and so she keeps at it and keeps at it. We have tried her on the floor in the past and she ends up waking up a lot...therefore, I am waking up a lot. So that's when we decided to be more consistent about having her in her own bed...since eventually, I have to go back to work which requires me to be up at 5:00 a.m. UGH...

Anyway, so far this is a work in progress. I have convinced DH that CIO won't cut it - and just because it works for somebody else doesn't mean it's going to work for us...We are both a whole lot more reasonable when it's not the middle of the night. I always knew he and I could agree on something - I just posted this out of frustration after a super crazy night.
 

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glad to hear things are working better.

some tricks that sometimes worked on my dd1 when she was 2 ish and stayed awake past bedtime stories and nursing (=about 30 min in bed, 20 in the dark) and was trying to keep the conversation going:

i would pretend i was going to sleep, and ignore her. of course, half the time i really would fall asleep.

if i was feeling restless and trapped i could sometimes leave for 2-3 min, saying "i'm just going to put in a load of laundry/start the dishwasher/feed the bird/brush my teeth/....... and i'll be back before waggles (musical toy) stops singing (winds down)." she'd usually fall asleep while i was gone. other times this would totally not work because she'd wind up into a panic at the thought of me leaving.
 
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