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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So DH had a tantrum this evening. This is a whole long story, I just need to vent. So why not do it on a public bulletin board where the whole universe can share my misery ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I invited my folks for dinner, and when DH called this morning, I told him about it. Moment of silence followed. Then ...<br>
DH: "So what are you making?"<br>
Me: "Fish."<br>
DH: (Mad) "I'm not interested in fish." (yes, he actually said it that way, verbatim. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes">) "There's a whole pile of chicken defrosted in the refrigerator. Why do you have to make fish?"<br>
Me: "Okay, I'll make the chicken."<br>
DH: "Do what you want. Make the fish. I've got things to do."<br>
Me: "But" ...<br>
DH: "The bell rang. Gotta go. Bye." Click. (He's a teacher.)<br><br>
Okay.<br><br>
So fast-forward to the evening, and I've put the chicken in the pan and it's ready and the oven is almost at 350 and DH comes stomping in the house. Grandma's playing with the kids, they're a little wound up but nothing over the top. He says, "What's going on here?" Comes straight to the kitchen, and starts yelling at me. I took his chicken that he was going to use for a big pot of soup. (There were two bags full of chicken bones&necks, and one package of cut-up chicken. I used the package.)<br><br>
Anyway, he kept shouting about that, then about my not having bought dishwashing detergent (which he then took out of his backpack and put on the counter), then stalked off into the other room.<br><br>
Mom came in the kitchen, gave me a 10-second bit of sympathy, reminding me to count to 18 before speaking, etc., etc., and how important it is to compromise, all the mom-stuff I guess you're supposed to say when your child is having a ... situation ... with her husband.<br><br>
She goes back to the kids. My dad had come into the apartment during the screaming, BTW.<br><br>
Okay.<br><br>
So I'm crying, trying to make couscous, digging around the fridge for a vegetable ... and DH comes back in the kitchen, yells some more, takes my cup of water and throws it in the sink (water all over now ... not sure what the purpose of that bit of melodrama was) yells some more. I am by now yelling back.<br><br>
Mom comes in the kitchen, says, "I'm sorry if our being here is stressful for you (DH), so maybe we should make this another time."<br>
Me: "Yeah, sorry, maybe we should."<br>
DH: "It's not you, it's not about you ..."<br>
Me: "I can't deal, I'm sorry, we should do this another time." (Yes, I'm <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> during this)<br><br>
So the folks get themselves to the elevator, and mom turns around and says, "He won't hit you, will he?"<br>
Me: "No, mom, not at all. He's not violent, just irrational."<br>
Mom: "Well, hitting is irrational behavior."<br><br>
DH comes up behind me at this point and says to mom, vehemently, "This isn't about you ..." and mom just blows up at him. Real lioness-protecting-her-cub sort of thing. And yes, I'm 40 years old, kind of old to be a cub, but anyway. They're shouting at each other in the hall, she's "how dare you scream at my daughter, in front of her parents no less," and he's "it's not all about you, don't be so self-absorbed, it's not your business, who are you to come in my house and yell at me" and ... really in each others' faces.<br><br>
Dad (who's only raised his voice maybe once in his entire life) drags mom to the elevator.<br><br>
I'm going, "I'm okay, mom, it's okay, just go, it's okay."<br><br>
The elevator door closes.<br><br>
Within ten minutes, DH is positively cheerful. I, of course, am not talking to him. He's talking with the children, comes in the kitchen with a little smile, "How about a kiss, come on."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes"><br><br>
I got a little angry with him. :understatement And his response was to ask me if I took my vitamins, because of course my hormones are behind this entire event.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes"><br><br>
If anyone has read this far, you'll be pleased to note that I have not killed him nor threatened to kill him. I have not left nor threatened to leave.<br><br>
Don't know what to do about my mother. Should I expect someone to apologize? Do I try to make peace? They've had tiffs before, inevitably about his temper (meaning he blew up about something or was short with her), but never like this.<br><br>
And he said to me a few minutes later, "This is all about her being upset that you didn't marry a rich man."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes"><br><br>
And just to end with a clarification of that last bit, my mom was a social worker, my dad was an engineer, they're on fixed incomes ... and were never even close to in-the-black. Never was someone's finances an issue in their relationships, or in my relationships. So this is entirely DH's mental gymnastics. IMO.<br><br>
Man.<br><br>
What do you do with this? And I still don't know if I can talk to him in the morning.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Oh my sweet friend! How dreadful. I can't imagine. I just want to hug the stuffing out of you right now. Maybe someone owes your parents an apology but it isn't you. And the person who owes them an apology owes you one first. I don't know how you relate to your mom. My mom died before I was a wife so I have no idea... can you talk to a mom like other women, about husband stuff? Can you tell her, "You know... it's a struggle. It's one of the challenges of my marriage and I am working on it. WE are working on it." (Or we aren't, he's stubborn.. I dunno.) Can you make her an honest promise that if it ever becomes too much- in the way she means- if he ever strikes you or even makes you think he might you will go, you will let them help, whatever... so she can stop fretting?<br><br>
Him.. well. Everyone is under a lot of pressure. The $$$ issue, ever at the simmer, is boiling nicely now with the latest news, I expect. My heart goes out to him. The same way it goes out to my own man, even when he is being a butthead. He is scared. Terrified probably. And his two greatest accusers, judges, whatever (his POV mind you!) are in his house. He lost it. If this is a repeat style occasion- hell even if it ain't it must be addressed. But if you aren't prepared to be without him you must make it better with him.<br><br>
Is there someone you can go to for counceling? Is there someone he respects that you can put an idea in their ear? There needs to be a change. He needs to get past this. And that is his job, not yours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
kama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> how come I knew you'd be here toot-sweet? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thanks ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Yeah, he is a butthead.<br><br>
:LOL<br><br>
Sorry, I know that wasn't the point of your response, but that word did just make me laugh and feel better, so ... :LOL<br><br>
I don't mean to make my mother out for sainthood, but sometimes his reactions to her are just so out-of-line.<br><br>
Once she wanted to give us a present of a family membership in a local community center (gym & kids sports stuff), and when she told us, DH's response wasn't to say "thanks but no thanks," but to start shouting at her, "What about me? What about giving us something we can use?" kind of crap.<br><br>
Now, I agree with him for the reason that this comm.ctr. is a "money hole" ... meaning, you are a member so you pay a discounted rate for whatever activities ... meaning it would cost us money to use anyway, and which we don't have ... so maybe it wasn't the best idea for a gift for us. But wouldn't an appropriate response have been to explain this to her instead of blowing up?<br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
Here I go, venting again. That kind of a night.<br><br><br>
:sigh<br><br><br><br><br>
I can talk to mom about his "stuff," but she has no patience for his temper and various other personality quirks, and honestly has never liked him much because of it. Truth be told, the only one in my family who I think likes him (well, before today) is my dad, just because they're both science-minded, & my dad respects DH's degrees. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br><br><br>
DH's whole family was like this, very loud and very critical, and DH thinks this is normal.<br><br>
My family wasn't. This is all new to me ... well, for the last 10 years new, anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br><br><br>
When I met him he was regularly in therapy. Then he abruptly stopped (one therapist died, another therapist got cancer ... guess he took it as a sign :LOL). I've suggested counseling just as someone to be an occasional intermediary ... but he absolutely refuses.<br><br>
There is someone I think I could talk to, a good friend of his, he might listen to him ... but this guy has his own huge problems (health) and ... oh never mind. Maybe I will.<br><br>
:sigh
 

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I'm icon lazy but I'm all huggy on you too my friend! They're all buttheads. Unless it's our turn.<br><br>
Find that shared center. Take a long, deep breath and open your mind to it. Open your heart. Force it open if you have to. Let your hands unclench and relax, let the anger flow out. Breathe in the breath of your loving family sleeping all around you. Find the center. Write him a note. Short. Tell him you love him very very deeply but that it hurts you more than you can say when he behaves that way. Tell him you would like to know what he is going to do to prevent that kind of pain in the future.<br><br>
Then go to bed.<br><br>
Spoon him. Wake him up. Have crazy make up sex. Can't do any harm NOW! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Also... ya have a PM
 

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I am <b>so</b> not the person to be giving relationship advice - fortunately kama appears to be great for that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Just wanted to send <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">, though, and say sorry that things are so stressful for you all now. I hope all of your worries are resolved soon and you all can get on to being blissful.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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sorry nak<br>
i'm mostly posting b/c i wanted you to know i read this. but i'll forget it if you'd like me to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
so whassup with his temper? did something happen that day that made him so moody, or did he have pms, or is this his way to deal with any and all frustration even longterm stuff? and how did he get over it so suddenly? is he fine once the explosion has occurred? in that case he should take up some kind of sports. or does he have an issue with your mom, maybe bc he knows she doesn't like him?<br><br>
why do men feel like losers when they're not millionaires? we would have married someone else if that was what we wanted, now wouldn't we? i understand that the reptilian brain wants to take care of wife and family, but holy guacamole once you're out of hte cardboard box and there's 3 things of chicken in the fridge the problem should become a bit smaller, shouldn't it?<br><br>
dh owns mom and you an apology. you don't owe anything.<br><br>
anyhoo just wanted to send you some big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Hugs to you, mama. I am also icon lazy but I swear the hugs are there!<br><br>
I also agree your dh is being a butthead.<br><br>
You did the best you could given the situation. your dh needs an attitude adjustment. Your mom.....may I please be that protective of my kids when they're grown! She was being mom- it really doesn't matter how old your kids are. Be happy she's in your corner!<br><br>
What is up with the tantrum though? Is he like this often? It's not healthy, for you or him. i've forgotten taco sauce for the last 3 MONTHS and dh just keeps putting it back on the list.lol<br>
IMO, in your home, you have the right to be treated with at least as much respect as outside the home. I would tell dh that when he's upset, please voice his problem but you WILL NOT tolerate being treated disrespectfully. That is simply not ok. He needs to understand that flipping out then being fine later is not cool.<br>
As for the money thing, silly men. Don't they know we'd follow them anywhere even poor as mice? And let him make is own apologies, he's a grown man. I would explain something to mom though. Perhaps, 'Sorry about that, dh was temp. body snatched by aliens......'
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br>
Just wanted to add my sympathies at a bad temper.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><br>
chicken with coucous sounds delicious. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And I am sooo with Dragonfly that I am sooo not the person to give relationship advice<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: ...just wanted to say sorry.<br><br>
Hope I'm not <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/footinmouth.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="footinmouth"> , but I'm kinda glad that your mother defended you...sorry it turned out the way it did. I'd have probably ripped my husband a new a$$hole if he had done that. Just total bad manners. I can't stand most of my husband's family, but I've never yelled at any of them. (Told one off once, in private, but never yelled at him..and he deserved it anyhow because he refused to stick up for his wife to his father when he knew his father was in the wrong.) He needs to apologise to everyone, including the kids.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/idea.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="idea"> Because everyone mentioned the icons, I assume you like them and I hope I've included enough of them.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
gotta <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/run.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="run">
 

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wow.<br>
and i thought my dh could be irrational(well, he can!)<br>
that is just so awful<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
good for you for taking it all in stride, and coming here to vent. puts things in a better perspective.<br>
just wanted to ditto the butthead remark. what infuriates me is how they act like nothing happened, and expect us to just forget about the whole ordeal! and right away too!! sounds like he is very unfair to your mom(& good for her for saying something!)you'd think after 10 years he'd be past any money issue accusations.(re: 'you didnt marry someone rich')<br>
i think i always feel better when i confront him about his irrationality. luckily he always apologizes. i.e. we were having a fight once and out of the blue he says, u think i do nothin with the kids but i drive them to school....LOLOL i was in hysterics.. i gave him the list of things i do before that point, and pointed out that if we had a car(instead of his beastly truck) i would also be driving them(which i now do).. sorry, i digress....<br><br>
it must make for an akward visit next time as well. maybe you should plan for the next visit and discuss his feelings about it? he obviously was upset from the moment u told him they were coming and dwelled on it all day....<br>
& yes, he should apologize. and he should understand you are MAD. do not let him off the hook that easy. the nerve of them , wanting a kiss, when we're so upset, and they are so wrong.<br><br>
good luck!! i feel for you!!!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">
 

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Can you PM me the chicken recipe with Couscous?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
People get mad, have bad days, flare, spark, whatever. Whats so not cool his him doing it in front of your parents....or anyone for that matter. Of course i think he sounds like an idiot, because he acted like one! and he's a grown up! who knows better!<br><br>
I feel like i do when i see a parent yelling and humiliating their child in Walmart. havent we had thread after thread devoted to idiot parents in public, kwim?<br><br>
I dont think i'd have make up sex with him yet. why would i want a man that yells at me and makes me cry inside my body?
 

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Need another hug?<br><br>
My dh can be an irrational donkey...but to his credit he keeps his crap between us. He KNOWS that if my family were to witness his nastiness, they'd EAT HIM. His family is the same way, so I know better than to be snappish or mad with them.<br><br>
The good side of this: ILs stay out of it--on both sides. So, when we do fight about stuff, we are generally free to let 'er rip.<br><br>
The bad side: They have NO IDEA what an ass he can be.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
Seems weird that he decided that your folks have all these opinions about him, and that you therefore should not have them over for dinner...seems he needs to realize that any negative opinions they might have are potentially being fed by his not-so-nice behavior in their presence. And if $$ is really driving him crazy, well, he needs to use his words better.<br><br>
I wish I had some advice...but call your mom and tell her you're all right, to be sure. Maybe he just had his heart set on a quiet night at home, cooking chicken soup and hanging with his very own little tribe, and being King for a while...and then he learned at the wrongest of moments that his "elders" were coming and all his hopes were dashed.<br><br>
And let's be real: they work hard to be the superego all the time...sometimes the id just breaks through.<br><br>
He owes you chocolate, though, for sure--and some other stuff.
 

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I maybe the out cast here......but I believe HE owes you and your mom an apoligy. And his behavior must change.<br><br>
I am so sorry you are going though this stressful time. Be strong the kids need you.<br><br>
However DH's irrational behavior is not accetable (parents there or not) and the kids should not see such poor anger control.<br><br>
DH needs to really think about how he is acting and how he is treating YOU. AND what the kids are seeing. How good is it for kids to know daddy screams at mommy. Also how can you tell your kids not to scream at peaole or do whatever whent hey see Daddy do it? AND Let's face it if he'll act like that in front of people; your parents none the less, how much more might be blow in private? I know you say he doesn't hit you, but I think your'd be better off putting a YET in there. I have been in one abusive relationship and I have trained to work in an abused woman's shelter and I have a degree in abuseive families. He is starting down that road.<br><br>
You need to call him on how he acts about your parents (the behavior at the offered gift; ok if you don't want it that is cool and you can say so but his responce was like a spolied child). And he needs to learn some more mature ways of expressing fustration.<br><br>
I would suggest reading some books about anger managamnet at the least. And maybe couple's therpy. The in-law issues are a side issue to his treatment of you. I think they will get better as his general anger managent and self-centeredness get better.<br><br>
Good luck.<br><br>
You can always come here for the support you need.
 

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Wow, I too am just simply amazed at what he did. All the more so because he considers yelling at you until you cry not a big deal (so you should be over it later that night). The chicken fish thing is really unsettling too, especially since it means his anger and frustration, focused irratioanlly on food, was carried throughout the entire day.<br><br>
He sounds incredibly selfish and lacking in empathy - unable or unwilling, not just in the moment of irrational passion but afterwards when he cooled off, to understand the pain his behavior was/is causing you.<br><br>
He owes you (and I guess your mom, but i think that is between him and her and really secondary to the larger issue of his treatment of you) a thousand apologies and promises.<br><br>
I don't know what to say. Based on my experiences, I'd leave. I grew up in a house where my dad had no respect for my mom and refused to see the pain he caused her and caused us watching his emotional abuse of her. I remember him beings hort with her and her crying in teh bathroom and how helpless and even ashamed/guilty that made me feel. He was also something of a tyrant, irrationally angry when we spilt milk etc. There was no hitting or even outbursts like the one you describe. I would never live with that again. Not that I'm saying you should leave; i don't know your situation. I do wish you could enforce what is not acceptable, what you absolutely won't stand for around you and your children. He can control himself (perhaps with professional help).<br><br>
Does he treat the kids this way?
 

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merpk,<br><br>
you probalby don't need me telling you this..but what dh did was NOT cool. Not at all. And I'm afraid that if he gets away with that you will probably have more. I guess what is to stop him, no?<br><br>
But here's my own t hought. I bet the pregnancy and the money or lack of it in some ways could be the irritation for him. Also and I say this with much love and understanding...he might be concerned about having a baby at this age (his age). Men get weird about this and if he is over 40 he could definitely not want to be an 'old' dad. Tell him to Look at david letterman who just announced he'll be a dad (he's 56). by the way, I had my son at 43!<br><br>
anyway, now is not the time to encourage snotty little boy behaviour and I would probably tell him, "I know I'll get over it, but I want you to know I would feel so much better if you apologized to my mother for your behavior".<br><br>
It is real for you, right?<br><br>
Also, there is a great, great book. Go to amazon, look it up. it is called, "DAnce of Anger."<br><br>
I really, really think this would be a valuable for you right now. It is well written and there is so much to it. Especially, the concept of over functioning and underfunctioning. I can't explain it here but the author does a great job.<br><br>
if you can stop this stuff with him, and get him to harness his anger you'll will see God walk right in. I swear. We don't know how he it iwll look but may be some one will offer him vice principal or district manager or some great job in a private school or something else....<br><br>
also..the astrologer is in the house and on the mercury retrograde thread in spirituality I told everyone who might be having marital problems right now to just 'breathe'..it ends onSaturday.<br><br>
just a small thought.<br><br>
goodluck on all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
Have spoken to my folks, they're okay. They're dealing with another family melodrama with my brother, so this is just by the wayside for them. But it really is going to be there every time we see them ...<br><br>
DH's parents are gone. I never met his mother, she died before I met him, but she was physically abusive to him. A particular pot was used for his head, and he remembers a particular incident when he was five, where he was upset about something and bumping his head on the wall, she came over to him and just repeatedly smashed his head into the wall ... anyway, obviously anger management wasn't well modeled in his home. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Not that I'm making excuses for him, but I know where it comes from.<br><br>
The incredible thing is he is much better than he used to be. But he will go off when things get to be too much, and with school starting last week, preparations for holidays coming up next week, and my "news" ... well, I should've seen it coming.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i><b>... by UmmNuh</b><br>
... And let's be real: they work hard to be the superego all the time...sometimes the id just breaks through.</i></td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"><br><br>
Succinctly put, sister.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> :LOL<br><br>
& hopefully after next week his id will go back where it came from ... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes"><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
Thanks again for all the support ... I've got no time for a therapist. Or do you know any who do housecalls?
 

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It sounds like you have a very whole perspective here.<br>
Your dh has some baggage and is carrying a load on top and it lands on you. That's not cool. He needs some help in knowing how to work thru his anger/frustrations with himself obviously, otherwise it is straight up.....emotional abuse.<br>
HOWEVER, knowing what you know about him and knowing that the pressure was on last week......it would have been considerate on your part to have asked him about dinner guests instead of telling him.<br>
It really bothers me when dh invites someone to dinner without first checking in with me....<br>
Communication is soooooo important.<br>
Start with the two of you, then maybe you can, at some point, include your parents with a moderater present. So that understanding can come to all of you and then your parents can be a source of support for your ds and you instead of (in his eyes) a threat. I don't know if this could be a reality, but if more families could pull together, then therapists wouldn't be in such high demand. Like I suggested tho, a neutral moderater is key....<br>
The best to you. I know how it is to be with a beautiful, wonderful, yet troubled man. I did it once. We didn't have kids tho and now we are still friends. Your commitment can work thru this.....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I think that his behaviour was very disrespectful to you, to your parents, and even to your children. You need to talk with him about counseling NOW. You both are teaching your children that it is ok to blow up at the ones you love, he by doing it, and you by allowing him to do it. You deserve at least the same respect that he would afford a perfect stranger, meaning he would not dream of screaming his head off at someone he did not know, why is it ok to scream at his WIFE?<br><br>
I also know from experience that there is a YET when it comes to the boundaries of anger and physical violence. Most domestic abuse happens when the wife is PREGNANT. It is a stressful time for you both, and if he is predisposed to irrational behaviour, then a push or smack is not off the scope.<br><br>
You have got to talk earnestly about how it makes you feel when he flies off the handle, and how much you love him and your family, so it is important to go to counseling to work this out.
 

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I just found this thread, and see that you have been given alot of good comfort and advice here. I am sorry this happened to you, and just wanted to send well wishes and congratulations on the new baby.<br><br>
Hope things have calmed down, and that whatever is triggering this gets resolved peacefully.<br><br>
Wish I could do more to help.<br><br><br>
DeAnna
 

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Definitely get him back in therapy. Could you try family counseling?<br><br>
Must say <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> to your mom esp as she was a social worker and has prob dealt w/many abuse issues in her job. You'd likely do the same thing if a spouse treated your child that way.<br><br>
((HUGS))
 

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i DO have advice.<br><br>
don't leave the finding of a good therapist up to him.<br><br>
start calling. it takes 20 phonecalls to find the right therapist.<br><br>
ask everyone you talk to, whom they recommend as a couples therapist.<br><br>
ask them lots of questions on the phone. make appt. with the best two. invite dh to come and help you choose between the two. he can't go wrong after you did all that work.<br><br>
start going at least every other week.<br><br>
bit by bit, things will get better until you finally look back and see that anger and conflict are really being communicated differently.<br><br>
if he won't go, you go. it will HELP A LOT.<br><br>
rrr
 
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