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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Rethinking this. Thank you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Well, we went through this for years. DH agreeing with me about the awful things his family did and said when alone with me, but when speaking to them about it, taming right down and seemingly forgetting the actual issues. He was, by nurture, a "take it as it is and smooth things over" kind of person. In some ways, I'm fortunate that he is like that, though it is sometimes really annoying. Sometimes I want him to tell me exactly what is going on, what the issues are, etc., instead of just grinning, bearing it and forgetting it like it never happened and moving on, but sometimes, it's the healthiest thing to just drop minor issues, forgive, forget and move on.<br><br>
Anyway, time was the thing that helped. One day, after years of this crap and my reminding him every once in a while, with lists of things that had happened with his family, well, one day, he broke. He is now estranged from most of his family (large family) including his father. I'm so happy! It has been such a weight off of our shoulders. DH feels that things are so much better without that toxicity in our lives. It took him quite a while to come to it, but he did come to it.<br><br>
Absolutely do not use them as babysitters, but regularly invite them over to your home for events, invite them to meet you out for dinners, etc. If they bug you and bug you, asking why they can't have the children by themselves, well, just wait, because eventually they will realize you are not budging and they will stop asking. Honestly, I have two children, 8 and 10, and we rarely go anywhere without them, but when we do, we have our friends watch them, and in exchange, we watch their children when they go out. If anyone else asks, "Why can't I babysit them?", our answer is, "We just don't go out that much, and we trade babysitting with one family and they like to go out more than we do, so they feel bad if we don't take them up on their offer as often as we can."<br><br>
Good luck!<br><br>
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ETA: Oops, don't know enough of the back story and think there's more to it than my simply assessment of the OP tells.
 

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As you must be aware by now, most people here think you would be better off without your dh. This is just one more nail in the coffin. I'm sorry not to have better advice than "leave him," but combined with the other extensive posts about your marriage, there really isn't a whole lot left to say. Best of luck.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14725535"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As you must be aware by now, most people here think you would be better off without your dh. This is just one more nail in the coffin. I'm sorry not to have better advice than "leave him," but combined with the other extensive posts about your marriage, there really isn't a whole lot left to say. Best of luck.</div>
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Yep, and honestly, the extensive backstory makes any advice almost moot- there's so many issues far deeper than him not backing you up to your MIL- he doesn't back you up in anything, and the advice given here would be based on somebody who's not horribly completely abusive, which your DH is.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>maygee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14726554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yep, and honestly, the extensive backstory makes any advice almost moot- there's so many issues far deeper than him not backing you up to your MIL- he doesn't back you up in anything, and the advice given here would be based on somebody who's not horribly completely abusive, which your DH is.</div>
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I would go further than this and say it doesn't even matter whose fault it is. It is clear from these posts that there isn't closeness between the OP and her H. That's enough. If you don't love each other and you don't support each other, you shouldn't be married.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14736986"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would go further than this and say it doesn't even matter whose fault it is. It is clear from these posts that there isn't closeness between the OP and her H. That's enough. If you don't love each other and you don't support each other, you shouldn't be married.</div>
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THis is one of the first of Plunky's posts that I actually agree with! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>maygee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14726554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yep, and honestly, the extensive backstory makes any advice almost moot- there's so many issues far deeper than him not backing you up to your MIL- he doesn't back you up in anything, and the advice given here would be based on somebody who's not horribly completely abusive, which your DH is.</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14736986"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would go further than this and say it doesn't even matter whose fault it is. It is clear from these posts that there isn't closeness between the OP and her H. That's enough. If you don't love each other and you don't support each other, you shouldn't be married.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: to both these.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry you haven't yet found your way out of this relationship. i hope you do soon. Hang in there.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I would go further than this and say it doesn't even matter whose fault it is. It is clear from these posts that there isn't closeness between the OP and her H. That's enough. If you don't love each other and you don't support each other, you shouldn't be married.</td>
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I completely agree. Either he is the biggest jerk in the world or you just think he is, but either way you have zero esteem or respect for him, and it sounds like he has none of either for you. Just posting over and over again every major and minor thing he does that you don't like and looking for agreement that he's terrible and wrong is not productive at all, and I'm concerned that this pattern will just make it hard to separate amicably.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know you're having a terrible time right now and I'm not trying to criticize you or put you down, just humbly suggest that there's a pattern in the way you post about him that is probably not helpful in either resolving your differences, or working out a good ending to the relationship.
 

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From what I recall of your other posts, he's just all-around toxic. It sounds far past the point of being able to expect anything from him on a personal level; at some point it's healthy for you to accept that he/the relationship is simply not what you need it to be, no matter how much you want it to be. It's just beating a dead horse, as they say.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14736986"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would go further than this and say it doesn't even matter whose fault it is. It is clear from these posts that there isn't closeness between the OP and her H. That's enough. If you don't love each other and you don't support each other, you shouldn't be married.</div>
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<b>It does matter whose fault it is because behavior matters. It seems to me that someone who makes that kind of statement 1) has not experienced a relationship like this or 2) sounds like it is coming from the person in the relationship whose fault it actually is and is trying to make excuses.<br><br>
Do you know who else has said it doesn't matters whose fault it is? My husband.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
To me, it matters whose fault it is because that is the person who needs to change their behavior more. And who is acting out of line. And who probably should not have custody of a child.<br><br>
To say "that's enough" if a couple doesn't have closeness and that if they don't love each other and support each other, they shouldn't be married is - quite simply - an over simplification.<br><br>
There are so many other issues tangled up together - children, finances, many more - that complicate things beyond that.<br><br>
If it were simply a question of support and love, or lack thereof, I would have been able to end this many years ago. It's just not that simple.<br><br>
Sometimes responses like yours seem to me like they are just for the sake of being provocative on MDC and riling people. I don't know if that is the case here, but I'm dealing with a pretty bad situation and for someone to say it doesn't matter whose fault that is is very hurtful and troubling to me.</b><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14740228"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">From what I recall of your other posts, he's just all-around toxic. It sounds far past the point of being able to expect anything from him on a personal level; at some point it's healthy for you to accept that he/the relationship is simply not what you need it to be, no matter how much you want it to be. It's just beating a dead horse, as they say.</div>
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Yes.<br><br>
I don't expect anything from him on a personal level. But I do expect fairness. Why? I guess I don't have an answer to that except it seems like a good quality no human could argue with, right?<br><br>
Yes, it's healthy to accept that he/the relationship is simply not what I need, and I have done that.<br><br>
I was looking for advice, and have often been told to post again for advice, but I apologize if it is beating a dead horse. Unfortunately, I'm still living the dead horse. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia the Muse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14738316"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I completely agree. Either he is the biggest jerk in the world or you just think he is, but either way you have zero esteem or respect for him, and it sounds like he has none of either for you. Just posting over and over again every major and minor thing he does that you don't like and looking for agreement that he's terrible and wrong is not productive at all, and I'm concerned that this pattern will just make it hard to separate amicably.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know you're having a terrible time right now and I'm not trying to criticize you or put you down, just humbly suggest that there's a pattern in the way you post about him that is probably not helpful in either resolving your differences, or working out a good ending to the relationship.</div>
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Thank you for that second paragraph. I'm not posting over and over again every major and minor thing...there are lots of sad things and terrible things he does that are never posted about...I just post some things where I'm looking for perspective or advice on how to manage a particular situation that seems to me to be unfair and not right. It's not a pattern. And I doubt an amicable separation is possible, given his statements and threats to make it as hard as possible.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DariusMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14737451"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: to both these.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry you haven't yet found your way out of this relationship. i hope you do soon. Hang in there.</div>
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Thank you so very much. Thank you.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>New_Natural_Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14737037"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">THis is one of the first of Plunky's posts that I actually agree with! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"></div>
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Really? I guess I don't agree, but I responded to that post above. To me, it matters very much whose fault it is.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>maygee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14726554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yep, and honestly, the extensive backstory makes any advice almost moot- there's so many issues far deeper than him not backing you up to your MIL- he doesn't back you up in anything, and the advice given here would be based on somebody who's not horribly completely abusive, which your DH is.</div>
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Yes, true. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't bite when DH says one thing to me and then says something completely different to his mother about me, about her, about the issue. That is just not open communication or fair in any way.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14725535"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As you must be aware by now, most people here think you would be better off without your dh. This is just one more nail in the coffin. I'm sorry not to have better advice than "leave him," but combined with the other extensive posts about your marriage, there really isn't a whole lot left to say. Best of luck.</div>
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Thank you.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RiverSky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14725470"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, we went through this for years. DH agreeing with me about the awful things his family did and said when alone with me, but when speaking to them about it, taming right down and seemingly forgetting the actual issues.</div>
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Thank you. THIS is the issue of my post. This, right here. DH will say one thing to me, agree with me, say I am right, and then will say something completely different later. That isn't the biggest problem we have, obviously, but it's a problem none the less.<br><br>
Pardon my many posts on the topic...I'm trying to best manage a situation I find challenging and I need to make sure I maintain fairness and perspective about things going on.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>That Is Nice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14749687"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes.<br><br>
I don't expect anything from him on a personal level. But I do expect fairness. Why?</div>
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That's a good question. Why do you? He's not fair. Why expect him to be fair, when you already know he isn't?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I guess I don't have an answer to that except it seems like a good quality no human could argue with, right?</td>
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<i>Wanting</i> to be treated fairly makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't you want that? <i>Expecting</i> to be treated fairly makes no sense at all, because it's not going to happen.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I just post some things where I'm looking for perspective or advice on how to manage a particular situation that seems to me to be unfair and not right.</td>
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It's not fair and it's not right (and I didn't even read your OP before you deleted it). The perspective you need is 1) it's not fair, and 2) you can't change it. You can deal with that in whatever fashion you can find. But, that's what it is...unfair and unchangeable (at least by you).<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Really? I guess I don't agree, but I responded to that post above. To me, it matters very much whose fault it is.</td>
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I think you're taking the "it doesn't matter whose fault it is" in a <i>very</i> different way than it was meant. I'm not the one who posted it, but I didn't read it in at all the same way you did.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Yes, true. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't bite when DH says one thing to me and then says something completely different to his mother about me, about her, about the issue. That is just not open communication or fair in any way.</td>
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No. It's not open communication and it's not fair. I can't even begin to understand why you believe there's a snowball's chance in hell that you're going to get open communication or fairness from your husband. You're not. It's not going to happen. Honestly, if you're going to continue to live with him, for whatever reasons, then you need to learn to <i>expect</i> to be treated like this...not because you deserve it (you don't), but because <i>this is what he does</i>.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I'm trying to best manage a situation I find challenging and <b>I need to make sure I maintain fairness and perspective</b> about things going on.</td>
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umm...why? Trying to be fair to someone who isn't being fair to you is a good recipe for being walked on. BTDT. It doesn't work.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Storm Bride</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14749962"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That's a good question. Why do you? He's not fair. Why expect him to be fair, when you already know he isn't?<br><br>
umm...why? Trying to be fair to someone who isn't being fair to you is a good recipe for being walked on. BTDT. It doesn't work.</div>
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Fairness is the right thing to do.<br><br>
I would always try to be fair to another person in a conflict, even if I hated them, or had other bad feelings about them. I would still try to be fair because it's the right thing to do.<br><br>
And that is why I expect fairness as a standard.<br><br>
That's not to say I think it will always happen. But it's what I expect.<br><br>
I don't know...this is beating a dead horse. Never mind. I just wanted to clarify my feelings and say that it's always right to be fair, even if you've been wronged. That's different than letting yourself get walked over or used or taken advantage of. Or overlooking things, for that matter. But one can still be fair while pursuing a resolution.<br><br>
I don't want to deliberately treat someone, even H, unfairly just because I feel they've wronged me.<br><br>
Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, which would be a perspective I hadn't considered hence the reason for my post. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>That Is Nice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14750044"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Fairness is the right thing to do.<br><br>
I would always try to be fair to another person in a conflict, even if I hated them, or had other bad feelings about them. I would still try to be fair because it's the right thing to do.</div>
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I don't think it has anything to do with hating them or having bad feelings about them. If you're trying to be fair to someone who is <i>not</i> trying to be fair to you, you'll get screwed. You just will. When only one side is being fair, then fairness doesn't occur.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And that is why I expect fairness as a standard.<br><br>
That's not to say I think it will always happen. But it's what I expect.</td>
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I think maybe we're using the word "expect" very differently. Expecting something that experience says will not happen makes no sense. I expect the sun to rise in the morning, because it always has. If I expected snow in August, it would be a sign that I was being irrational.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Never mind. I just wanted to clarify my feelings and say that it's always right to be fair, even if you've been wronged. That's different than letting yourself get walked over or used or taken advantage of.</td>
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I see no difference.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Or overlooking things, for that matter. But one can still be fair while pursuing a resolution.</td>
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Of course one can be fair while pursuing a resolution. But, if you're being fair to someone who is consistently not being fair to you, then the situation is going to be pretty ugly.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I don't want to deliberately treat someone, even H, unfairly just because I feel they've wronged me.</td>
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I've never <i>wanted</i> to be unfair to anyone in my life. However, trying to be "fair" to my ex put me in a bad situation. Sometimes, being "fair" and protecting oneself are mutually incompatible - you <i>can't</i> do both.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, which would be a perspective I hadn't considered hence the reason for my post. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"></td>
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Oh - it makes sense to me. I lived like that for years. I wouldn't do it again, though. I know what it did to me, and how completely <i>unfair</i> I ended up being to myself.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Storm Bride is right, you're being unfair to yourself by always trying to be fair to him.<br><br>
You do realize you deserve better, right?
 

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That Is Nice, I'm sorry you aren't necessarily finding the responses you are looking for here. I know you've had a tough ride.<br>
My first reaction was similar to everyone else's, even though I hadn't read the OP. The point is that it had to do with your DH, who has consistently proven himself to not be anything you need him to be, as opposed to yourself.<br>
You keep posting these things wanting to analyze him and his behavior. Which, to some degree is natural. But I think what those of us here on the board see is a futile exercise, where the only answer can be to all you are talking about, is "Well, of course he did, what more did you expect."<br>
And beyond that, the only way your situation is going to get better at this point is if your time, energy and analysis is put into YOUR personal situation. What you can do to be better, how you can get out of the situation, how you can be the best mom to your DC in the midst of all of this. I said it before, and I'll say it again, honestly, he's a moot point at this point.<br>
Sorry, I know you just want this thread to die, but I just had to get that in there. Hang in there and hope it gets better!
 

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Just to clarify, I didn't mean it's beating a dead horse to share things on here - that's what the forum is for and if it helps you through a tough time, then a very helpful thing! I just meant that to expect anything good from this man, and then being <i>disappointed</i> in his behavior (as if it's suprising)... it seems that you still have expectations of him to act like a reasonable human towards you and it should be clear that it ain't going to happen.<br><br>
My ex acted horrible in every way when we were still living together. You name it, he did it. He was supposed to be my family, and then he wasn't even vaguely a friend - much the opposite. And worse, he didn't even seem to care! I was devastated that this wasn't quite the family life I had envisioned for my child, and also needed myself after a rocky road with my parents. And financially, I'd given up my job to take care of my child and was broke. We lived in a very expensive city. No family nearby to help. The only friends were work friends who didn't have kids and were just living a whole different kind of life. I felt alone, that's for sure. But emotionally, for starters, I completely divorced myself from him because he constantly kept letting me down. Anything else would have been <i>constant</i> emotional frustation, and that seems to be where you're at.<br><br>
(I'm also glad to report that after a long time - and setting emotional boundaries - although my ex is still a big pain in many ways, we are actually able to do things together with our child sometimes - like we all just had a really nice Thanksgiving together - who very much has a sense of having a mother and father who love him.)<br><br>
I too took the post about "it doesn't matter whose fault it is" a different way. I think it's a call to look at the bigger picture - yes, he's awful, yes, it's unfair in myriad ways... that's the nature of relationships headed for divorce - but instead of sweating every issue because he let you down once again, it comes to down to finally accepting that it simply doesn't work.<br><br>
To save your well-being, I think it's better to put your emotional energy into changing to situation to get away from him, than to just kinda hope he comes around because you don't want to deal with the repercussions of separation or divorce.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sharr610</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14751582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That Is Nice, I'm sorry you aren't necessarily finding the responses you are looking for here. I know you've had a tough ride.<br>
My first reaction was similar to everyone else's, even though I hadn't read the OP. The point is that it had to do with your DH, who has consistently proven himself to not be anything you need him to be, as opposed to yourself.<br>
You keep posting these things wanting to analyze him and his behavior. Which, to some degree is natural. But I think what those of us here on the board see is a futile exercise, where the only answer can be to all you are talking about, is "Well, of course he did, what more did you expect."<br>
And beyond that, the only way your situation is going to get better at this point is if your time, energy and analysis is put into YOUR personal situation. What you can do to be better, how you can get out of the situation, how you can be the best mom to your DC in the midst of all of this. I said it before, and I'll say it again, honestly, he's a moot point at this point.<br>
Sorry, I know you just want this thread to die, but I just had to get that in there. Hang in there and hope it gets better!</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14751625"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just to clarify, I didn't mean it's beating a dead horse to share things on here - that's what the forum is for and if it helps you through a tough time, then a very helpful thing! I just meant that to expect anything good from this man, and then being <i>disappointed</i> in his behavior (as if it's suprising)... it seems that you still have expectations of him to act like a reasonable human towards you and it should be clear that it ain't going to happen.<br><br><br>
I too took the post about "it doesn't matter whose fault it is" a different way. I think it's a call to look at the bigger picture - yes, he's awful, yes, it's unfair in myriad ways... that's the nature of relationships headed for divorce - but instead of sweating every issue because he let you down once again, it comes to down to finally accepting that it simply doesn't work.<br><br>
To save your well-being, I think it's better to put your emotional energy into changing to situation to get away from him, than to just kinda hope he comes around because you don't want to deal with the repercussions of separation or divorce.</div>
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Miss Lotus speaks the truth with gentle compassion. I completely agree with her.<br><br>
I know it's tough, TIN. I know you post here to hear that you're not being irrational, crazy, or just wrong. It's important that these feelings are validated when you're in a situation that's so irrational and crazy and wrong. Your not-so-dh has obviously done quite a number on your head. you've been living with emotional and some physical abuse for a long time. Come here if you need validation. But please listen to Miss Lotus and the other posters who are almost begging you to *leave*. They've BTDT, some with no money, no family and with SN kids, just like you.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
We're all pulling for you.
 
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