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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My dh had a rough, abusive childhood because of his dad, because of this he was terrified to have a boy and has a lot of anxiety about his relationship with our son. Now that ds is 5, I think it also "triggers" some of dh's childhood trauma (dh has ptsd). Anyway the problem is dh is never consistent with ds and ds is constantly leading dh into power struggles or just blatently disrespecting him. Most of it is for attention. Ds absolutely adores dh but in many ways thinks of him as a "friend" more than a father. Dh feels powerless to "control ds and in turn gets frustrated and will say things out loud like " why does he always treat me like that?" or asks ds if he likes him, etc. It is so hard for me to watch but dh hates it when I intervene because he is "trying to parent on his own". I'm sorry if this is complicated to read. I'm having trouble putting it into words but basically I am worried about their relationship and about my ds being damaged by the way dh reacts to him, and its also embarrasing and hard for dh to have a ds who completely bosses him around. Dh usually reverts to empty threats (he never spanks) and then throws up his hands and does nothing. How do I stop this cycle!!!???
 

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Have you already tried the obvious stuff like referring him to websites, buying him parenting books, signing him up (alone, since he says he wants to work it out himself) for a parenting workshop? Does he resist that?<br><br>
If he refuses to do that sort of thing, does he have a male friend with children and good parenting skills? Maybe you could encourage them to take the kids out together so dh can see how the other guy does things and hopefully pick up some skills?<br><br>
Also, is he getting help for his ptsd?<br><br>
I've btdt with dh and dd, I know it's really hard. But it does seem to get easier the older the kids get -- dd's 7 now and finally their relationship is taking off. Back in the bad old days, I bit my lip alot, talked to him when I could, and talked to her (with limited, age-appropriate information, of course) to help her understand her daddy.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mama. We *almost* have the opposite problem except I have kind of taken on your DH's role...<br><br>
DS will only accept authority for my DH. DH can tell DS to do something ONE time and it's.done. No backtalk, No "Why?" No, "I don't want to"<br><br>
I have become the Mama that says "Do this or I'll go get daddy" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Which all that will happen is DH will come in and say in a gentle, quiet...but yet authoritative voice (that brooks no arguments) and say "DS pick up that toy and get ready for dinner" and DS scrambles to get it done.<br><br>
Anyway, I making baby steps (with slips now and then) but I AM going to read these to 2 books:<br><br>
Playful Parenting<br>
Raising your Spirited Child<br><br>
since they pertain to my problem but maybe you should just buy those 2 books and maybe highlight hit-home excerpts for your DH if he isn't a reader.<br><br>
You are not alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for the replys. I was just listening to dh put ds to bed (they are reading together very nicely now) BUT a few minutes ago I was gritting my teeth at the way dh's methods of communication and I was actually thinking about checking out the very two books newmommy suggested. Funny.<br><br>
I don't want to sound like the perfect parent in any way, because I am definetly not, but my mistakes have helped me to better communicate with ds. When I try to gently suggest ideas to dh, he feels that I am saying he is not a good parent, etc. I"m going to try having the books and some articles around and showing him. Its really hard to be a consistent, respectful gentle parent for anyone (and I had a wonderful mother as a role model). I can't imagine if you have almost nothing to go by. Its also difficult to use gentle discipline when extended family sees it as spoiling. I know this is especially hard for my dh.<br><br>
Again thanks for the ideas and the support.
 

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is there anyone offering parenting classes in your area? perhaps you could suggest that the two of you go together. approach it as "<b>we</b> need to figure out a better way for <b>us</b> to parent" some people tend to respond better if you take the pressure off them. if this is a problem that the two of you need to solve together rather than his problem that he needs to work out he might be more receptive to help.
 

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There were lots of couples at the parenting classes I took.<br><br>
When I was younger I skoffed at parenting classes but they were helpful to me. It was silly of me to not take advantage of these sooner. I took one through the adlerian society (they liked Alfie Kohn a lot) and I took another one developed by a local well-respected university. There is one tip that works wonders, grandma's rule or first then. Also expect your children to behave. Limit criticisms. Check out some books or classes.
 
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