Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 23 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,228 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm getting so burnt out. Dd is 6 weeks and is pretty high needs. She needs to be held constantly and won't go in the sling unless I'm CONSTANTLY walking around and bouncing her. Someimtes I just need a break...like to eat dinner, take a shower or take a nap.
But whenever dh holds her, she screams and cries! I mean, he has his own way of doing things, and he doesn't hold her or bounce her like I do, but will she get used to it?
How do we get her to be comfortable with him? I usually come over and pick her up to stop her crying, but he gets a little angry because he's afraid she'll never get used to him if I keep rushing in to take her. But I don't want her to cry. She can get herself so worked up and it's hard to calm her down. Plus, the crying makes her gas worse...

I think he may be a little tense or even angry (because he assumes she doesn't like him), so perhaps she's picking up on his emotions?

What can we do to make her happy to be with her daddy?

TIA
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,232 Posts
Alot of people are going to scream at me for this.
:

Please keep in mind that this is your child and you have the ultimate say. But I delt with the same thing with DD prefering me over DH so I'm speaking from experience.

If I were you I would let DH hold her. I know it is hard. I can see you right now in my mind handing her over then before he gets her for 5-10minutes you scoop her right back up. He will never be able to sooth her the same as you(this was hard for me to learn) he walks different holds her different and how she is comfortable with yu she probably isn't with him because it feels different. You have to give him time to try a certain hold/bounce, then change it and try again. It may take along time and alot of crying till he finds that special hold/bounce that works for him. Also set up a time each day whaere she spends time with him to learn that Daddy is different but still just as good as Mommy. It also helps if you can get DH to where a shirt that you have worn that has youor scent on it. The bottom line IMHO is that unless you want to be the primary parent you have to let them figure eachother out.

You have to take care of yourself to take care of your babe, and with a high needs baby it's alot easier with DH's help, otherwise stress will rise and she will pick up on that ass well as DH and you will all be so tense.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,097 Posts
IF she is gassy, 6 weeks and crying like that, I would get myself on an elimination diet immediately.

That is how my dd was. It was so hard and I used to sit with her and cry. My dh could not do anything with her and we bounced her so much, that I would bounce when I was not holding her. It was crazy.

I eliminated some trigger foods and she was a new baby.

My daughter is now 6, we know now that she has celiacs and has some food intolerances/allergies.

Breastfeeding and eliminating foods from my diet was probably the best thing I ever did for either of us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
He really assumes she doesn't like him?

If so, he might benefit from talking to some other fathers, so he can know it's a phase.

He just needs to spend time with her. He needs to find his own ways of confidently doing things, of helping her out. You said you'd come "pick her up", and that implies that he's sitting down. If he's always sitting when he holds her, make sure he knows that he can stand up! He can walk, bounce, sing in his nice low voice (I assume, LOL) that's so comforting to a baby, and he has the benefit of doing these things without smelling like milk, which is how my DH was so successful in doing all sorts of helping things with our son that I could never think of doing (b/c DS would get sidetracked by milk).

He just has to take the time and put in the effort (not saying he's not doing that, but he just needs to keep trying, and to try different things, not just keep trying to do the same things), and eventually she should come around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,300 Posts
He just needs time with her for your dd to get used to him. All four of my babies were the same way. They all wanted me over dh. He had a hard time with it and would think they hated him. I assured him that the baby didn't hate him. Maybe you can give him some tips on how she likes to be held, bounced, rocked, etc. This helped my dh. I just went through this with him and our ds. I had to show him how to hold him and pat his butt to calm him down. DS is three months and is getting better with daddy, but he still wants me. He'll hang with daddy, but if I walk by, it's all over and he wants me. If your dd starts doing this, try to not let her see you when dh is holding her. Get your shower or eat in another room where the baby can't see you. Tell your dh it will get better. When three older ones got bigger and were walking, they thought daddy was really fun. I'm sure our ds will do the same thing. DH is over it by the way. The other day, Logan was nursing and I was rocking him. DH said to ds, "Don't worry, I'll turn you to the Dark Side soon enough!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
my DD was the exact same way and what worked was being swaddled and DH bouncing her on an exercise ball. It was the ONLY way he could hold her. It made him feel so much better. When he knew he was going to hold her he would automaticly get the exercise ball out he wouldn't even try just holding her he KNEW he had to bounce her
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
Uh, Chronic Chrissy, that's CIO. I'm not "screaming" at you, but I have often been annoyed at your constant advocating of non-AP methods on this forum.

OP, what has slowly worked for us is having DH lie beside me while I bf, so that DD knows that he is one of her caretakers. That, and I figured out that she is happiest when she wakes up in the morning, so on the days DH is home for that, he holds her and I don't dare leave the room. He also showers with us. We are starting to take walks together while he slings her.

I have yet to be able to be out of the scenario when he holds her, but we're easing into it, and sometimes it's relieving just to have a partner helping you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,307 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by papayapetunia View Post
Uh, Chronic Chrissy, that's CIO. I'm not "screaming" at you, but I have often been annoyed at your constant advocating of non-AP methods on this forum.
from my understanding, cio is without parents in sight of babe, if loving parent is helping to soothe babe, how is it cio?


What worked for us is, dh would shower with ds and that was 'their time'. It was 10 minutes of me time, then I would help towel dry etc...it was a start.
As a couple we would also share special moves/bounces/shhhing sounds that worked. That way we would be doing almost the same thing and it wasn't traumatic for ds.
Exercise ball worked, and going for a walk did too.

Dawn
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
338 Posts
I think the idea of watching your diet is a good one, and mayb letting dad and baby have alone time might work (it would probably drive me nits to listen to the baby cry though). In addition to diet I would say talk to your husband, does he feel like he's not as good as taking care of baby as you ae, that he's a poor substitute for you? Baby might just picking up on that. Everyone needs support, dads too. And remember, this too shall pass.
Good Luck!
Crystal
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,491 Posts
all of mine have done this too.

We just keep trying. Daddy holds baby until baby becomes upset, then I take (her/him/them) back. After awhile baby comes to accept him as part of the parenting team.

But 6 weeks is notorious for needing constant mom/nursing, and for moms burning out IF they let themselves get touched out.

DH can help out even if baby won't accpt him at this point. He can cater to YOU, keep you from feeling worndown which will hopefully influence baby to settle as well.

I've often nursed baby well to sleep and then transported baby onto his/her dad. They do sleep better on him...he's warmer and his heartbeat is louder. After awhile they would wake together and start to bond.

My fear is though, if your dh already feels left out, unecessary and disliked then he's going to have trouble relaxing and letting the relationship happen on the baby's terms
Reassure him that this happens to alot of pairs. Baby still is a part of mom's body at this point, and alot of babies want to keep it this way!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,232 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by papayapetunia View Post
If you know that your baby wants her mama and you let her cry to "teach" her that she shouldn't cry with dh, it's CIO.
I'm sorry I don't agree. I believe CIO is when you leave your child and don't try to comfort her. DH was doing a good job of TRYING to comfort her, just like I did when she was a newborn in the hospital and I didn't know what to do. And for your information I would remove myself from the house so she wouldn't see me, take a shower or a walk around the block. I didn't leave her so SHE would learn I left her so HE could learn, when he found what worked for him it stopperd but sometimes it would take a while. When it comes to DH's I believe they should be given the same chance as Moms to figure it out in the same way mom figured it out. Not to mention she didn't always just want mom it's just that mom could figure things out better, like needing to me changed, being overtired. If I did the exact same thing with a stranger then it would be CIO, but with her father.

Oh and might I remind you that nowhere does it say that we have to follow ALL AP parenting practises to give/recieve advice. How many moms have put down their baby at one point or another because they have been crying for 3 hours strait(actually come to think of it I haven't) but when this happens we remind the mother not to feel bad because sometimes you can't always practise AP parenting because it can't work with what is going on. Ultimatly OP has to weigh up where her breaking point is and her values lay, I gave her a tool which she asked for whether she uses it or not is her choice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
512 Posts
Other posters have given a lot of good ideas to speed the bonding process between your DH and daughter (the breastfeeding together idea is especially great!). Another thing you can do is just wait. In another six weeks or so, she'll figure out that her dad is a caregiver, too. I remember when it clicked for my DH. We were visiting with my parents, and J was screaming every time they held her. When they would pass her to DH, she'd stop. I think that's when he really started to feel like a dad. Your DH will, too, if he doesn't give up on making a connection with her...he'll be rewarded within a month or two. In the meantime, hang in there! It does get easier.

PS - Family naps are great, too! And maybe would help you catch up on some sleep.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,582 Posts
six weeks was also a hard time for us. dh also believed she hated him but he's getting over that now (thank God!). He also says that I hover around him a lot and that makes him tense. so I try and give him some space. I also give her to him when she's not fussy. that way they can both bond and get comfortable with each other. and by the time she starts crying he figures out that she may need a change of diapers, a change of scenery, or some shushing. I promise he will excel at soothing your babe soon.

I second the idea of an elimination diet as well. she might just be in gassy pain. good luck!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,860 Posts
Is it really CIO if the child is being held by a caring adult who is attempting to meet her needs comfort her?

Ultimately, the learning in that situation is not "no one's going to help me, so I may as well give up" but "daddy's here to help me and it's going to be all right."

I think having all needs met only by the parent the child "prefers" is a impossible and ridiculous standard.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,839 Posts
It's a steep learning curve, learning how to comfort a baby. Moms have such an advantage. Get out of the house and give Dad a chance. He will learn his own ways of comforting her, but he can't do it if you jump in each time.

It is not CIO if someone is comforting her. She will learn how to accept that comfort.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
Alright, I'll try not to derail this thread anymore after this. The OP asked for advice on an AP board, so I thought I'd just point out suggestions that were not AP.

Chronic Chrissy, the point of the CIO detriment is not about the parents' intention; it's about the baby's reaction. You can intend to include your dh all you want. If the baby wants mama and you let her cry it out so that dh can learn or whatever, it's still CIO. And your statements "nowhere does it say that we have to follow ALL AP parenting practises to give/recieve advice" and "sometimes you can't always practise AP parenting" are especially telling.

stik, we're talking about a six-week-old. Do you really think the parent determines what the learning lesson will be? Having the needs met by the primary caretaker is totally realistic at this age. It takes time and direct effort for babies to feel cared for by people other than the mama.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
One more thing: "Here's what I tell parents," says [Dr.] Sears, a pediatrician in San Clemente, Calif., who is known as the father of attachment parenting, a practice based on a high degree of responsiveness. "When in doubt, put yourself behind the eyes of your baby and ask yourself, `If I were my baby, what would I want my mother or father to do?' "
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,860 Posts
Papyapetunia, I think the lesson in any situation is determined by the end result of the interaction. A parent of either sex CAN determine that a baby learns to trust him or her by meeting the baby's needs. It took a while for my dd to learn to trust that *I* would meet her needs when she was first born. She cried in my arms while I figured out how to help her latch on, how to burp her, and what her various cries meant. In those first few days, she *wanted* the level of service she had been accustomed to in the womb - never cold, never hungry, never gassy, surrounded by amniotic fluid that made it easy to move and comfortably snuggled at all times. Learning that I would meet her needs was part of the process of adjusting to the big world. Some discomfort is part of adjustment. I don't think my failure to reattach the placenta was CIO.

I also think that six weeks isn't too soon for papa to bond with the baby while mama takes a shower. If the baby is hungry, mama is a necessity (assuming she's exclusively breastfeeding). Otherwise, babies can and will adjust to multiple caregivers given a little time and patience. IMO, it's never too early (or too late) to start that process.
 
1 - 20 of 23 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top