[Paeta16]

I'll admit DD and I had a rough day. She was tired and cranky and crying off and on all day. I am PMSing and I was quick to react to poor behaviour/not listening, etc. I raised my voice a few times today and I am not proud of that fact. I usually try really hard to practice GD and some of the time it is a struggle b/c I grew up in a reactionary household and I have a quick temper myself. That being said, for the most part I am a gentle parent.

On the occasion that I have snapped and raised my voice to DD, DH ALWAYS calls me on it. Part of me thinks...okay, he's her parent too and if he doesn't want me speaking to her that way that is his perogative. Another part of me thinks....give me some damn space to make mistakes and work them out for myself with DD! I am a pretty damn good parent IMO and I don't like feeling like I am belittled by DH b/c I messed up here or there.

Opinions? Suggestions?

 

[Mama Mko]

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he "calls [you] on it"? Maybe he could say something in a different way and you would feel better about it?

Maybe you're just feeling insecure from your crappy day?

s

 

[rzberrymom]

My DH and I do this for each other quite a bit--only, instead of calling each other on it, we try *really* hard to say something like "you sound like you could use a little break--why don't you let me take over for a bit." For me, that has felt respectful both to the needs of the parent and to the little kiddo who is at the receiving end of DH or my frustration/bad day.

 

[alllyssa]

I wish my DH would do this for me when he sees I'm stressed . . .

I like rzberry's method

 

[Marsupialmom]

We do Rzberry's method, also.

 

[mommy2abigail]

: It used to be only me calling dh out on it and it would make him so mad. He was of the 'united front' camp, and he felt very disrespected. We had many many talks about it, and we decided that
1. I would change my wording, so as not to undermine him and
2. it's not a bad thing to disagree with your spouse in a respectful way in front of the kids, it helps them see how to solve problems effectively and
3. it's not an admission of failure to step back and take a break when you are on edge. It models taking a personal time out to the kid, and goodness knows they have enough opportunities for frustration!

HTH

 

[labdogs42]

We try to step out and let the other take over when one of us gets on edge with DS. I think that's the best way. I do tend to call DH out when he gets too annoyed with DS, but I try to just step in and do something playful or just distracting to ease the tension and get DS back on track.

 

[FullMetalMom]

On the occasion that I have snapped and raised my voice to DD, DH ALWAYS calls me on it.QUOTE]

DH and I have been working on this, too. The problem is the ALWAYS. It's no big deal when it's sometimes, but always being called on it makes DH seem "holier than thou." It's better to have him talk to you about it later when you're not on edge already.

to rzberry's method, it's respectful to everyone.

 

[Red Pajama]

We had a similar problem a bit over a year ago. If husband was too hard on the kids, and I, even gently, tried to "correct" the situation, I got the silent treatment for the rest of the day. It really bothered me, because I had to judge of the problem was severe enough to justify ruining the whole day. I finally called him on the whole thing, in the middle of the silent treatment. I pointed out that somebody had to be there to diffuse a situation if needed, and since neither one of us had our parents living in the house with us (the usual source of somebody who can diffuse without offense taken) we were going to have to allow each other to be this person.

It worked. I can suggest that I take a kid that's giving him problems, I can remind him "gently", and he has done the same for me.

So my point is spouses have to be able to do this for each other. The key is talking to him about it, and seeing if he can find a way to tell you what you need to hear without it offending you.

 

[mamarootoo]

we do this for each other... we usually say something like "is this the hill...?"

i don't get to that point often, but i am so glad DH keeps me from going too far when i've hit my wall!

 

[mamaduck]

It bothers me a lot when DH does this to me too. We do strive for an approach where we "tag-team" without being judgemental, and have gotten better about it over the years. But I do know exactly what you are talking about -- its not fun to be criticized when you are honestly doing the best you can, and obviously only human.

I do think it is important not to call each other out like that in front of the kids. Not so much because of the whole "united front" argument, but because I think it sends a nervous-making little message to the kids. The underlying message is "Mommy is not totally competent" -- and little kids are sometimes not comfortable hearing that message about the people they depend on so entirely. Not that you need to project an image of "perfection" -- but I think its just really important that parents treat each other with deference and respect, so that kids feel confident and trusting in the care they are given.