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I'm so sorry mama. I can't imagine how hard this must be. But I have to say, this won't get better as the babies grow up. It doesn't sound like a good situation at all, and you probably don't want your precious babies in that environment, especially once they start to understand what daddy is saying more.

I know I'm not much of a help. I didn't want to read and not post.
 

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it is possible

I would suggest posting something like this in the Single Parents forums and ask them how they managed to survive once they got out.

Lots of knowledgeable people over there..... There are ways out. I am not the one with knowledge, but don't lose hope. There is always a way out. No one should be with someone they do not want to be with, he will have to deal with that.

Do you have family you can go to? live with your mother or father for a few months to get on your feet? friends that will support you in the short term from back home?

keep your head up, and eyes open. Don't get too depressed or you will wind up with that hopeless feeling. Find a few people here that can and will help you.....

 

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I am so, so sorry. It sounds like you are living in hell.

Take your babies and go, if you can manage it. Check out welfare where you live, WAHM jobs, possibilities for support from family? Anything.

If none of that is doable, I have a couple of friends who are just biding their time in crappy partnerships til their babies get old enough to go to daycare. Only you can decide if you can stomach it til then, but knowing you have a plan might help?

Good luck.
 

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I would call any family you can and the local department of public aid. They will help get you free legal counsel to GET OUT OF THERE. It will NOT get any better. I am so sorry and I hope the best for you.
 

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First thing's first.... Whatever plan you get together so that you can leave him WITH your babies... you need to plan. This isn't something you just walk out the door and slam it behind you.
You need to get a notebook. You need to document EVERYTHING...minus your emotion. I would start by documenting the past... but do it as if you had been writing it all along...use different pens and work hard to remember the dates.
Things you want to document...
times you requested him to help out with the babies and the result.
How often he visited them in NICU
How often he helped postpartum
his lies and manipulations to you, the Navy, and his employers.
you taking the babies to docs, and other special appointments.
After you get all the old stuff written down to the best of your ability, start on the present. Also get nice records of the babies medical history, for your files. Make sure YOU have the babies birth certificates and social security cards in your possesion. DO NOT EVER TELL HIM ABOUT THIS... just go about your merry way and let it warm your heart that someday you will have freedom.
Do you have family? Family far enough away that you can go there? Or who can loan you money when the time is right?
You need to be calculating... but it can be done. I did it (not with twins) but I did do it... it was all a matter of patience and precision. The judges all absolutly LOVED my documentation. It was especially sweet when he tried to quote something and then I would flip to such-and-such page and have proof that there was no way that could have occured because of whatever. He had ZERO idea that I had been tracking daily things for months. Both of the judges I saw both complemented me on my organization stating that it showed how valid my case was....it also gave the judges the impression that I was very serious about my case.
You can do this... but you need to get organized.
Tricia
 

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oh mama! i am so sorry you are going through this. i cried reading what you are going through. i don't know what to tell you, surely someone has the right information for you.
 

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i agree with triciabn.
start planning to leave. do you have familiy and friends you could stay with or who would support you?
you have the strength to do this ... for you and your babies
 

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OK he wants to talk religion (he's being the ultimate hyprocite by the way)? Throw these at him:
1 Tim. 5:8: "Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith."

Heb 5:25: "Husbands, continue loving YOUR wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it"

Col. 3:19: "19*YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them. "

He claims he will make you pay for divorcing, however with what money? Sounds to me that he's squandered it all.

You have grounds for neglect all around. What you do is your decision, I feel I can't tell you want to do.....however everything must be weighed carefully. I have a feeling you know what the best answer is
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thefragile7393
OK he wants to talk religion (he's being the ultimate hyprocite by the way)? Throw these at him:
1 Tim. 5:8: "Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith."

Heb 5:25: "Husbands, continue loving YOUR wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it"

Col. 3:19: "19*YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them. "

He claims he will make you pay for divorcing, however with what money? Sounds to me that he's squandered it all.

You have grounds for neglect all around. What you do is your decision, I feel I can't tell you want to do.....however everything must be weighed carefully. I have a feeling you know what the best answer is

Thanks for the support
I have retaliated with scripture many times -- especially the one about husbands loving their wives "lest their prayers be hindered." He gets angry and calls me "the lawyer" saying I always find a loophole(LOL) and accuses me of keeping an organized record of everything wrong he has ever done(which is untrue...but it is hard to forget when the same things keep happening or hard to forget about the thousands of dollars in debt we are because of poor choices he has made on his own w/out my support! hmm...very hard to forget what I went through in pregnancy and what I have been going through since the birth...very hard to forget that I haven't had any intimate contact in over a year LOL)

I don't know how divorce works...he has told me that he will refuse to consent to the divorce and will go through whatever legal battle he has to, to make it as difficult as possible....sometimes I am afraid he would come after me if I leave...othertimes I am afraid he will off himself. I feel so stupid and foolish for getting myself into this mess...I am afraid a decision I make will adversely affect my babies, most afraid of that actually.
 

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If he said he was gay to get out of the military, you could easily use that as an argument in a divorce proceeding, I would imagine. Check with a womens shelter or a divorce lawyer.
 

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im so sorry mama. im in a marriage i don't really want to be in right now too but your situation sounds so depressing. try to find a way out. call legal aid and see if you can find friends/family to stay with for a few months.
how incredibly horrible a situation for you and your babies.
 

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My dh and I were having much trouble about 5 1/2 years ago. I applied for housing with out him knowing, and was approved quickly because it was emergency and I was pregnant. I also contacted the women's shelter in our area and they paid the deposits for all my utilities (except phone). They even brought diapers for my little one and had a lawyer that would help if I needed any legal council. Things did work out with my dh and I and we are still married and our 8th baby is on the way.

Call your local women's shelter. If you need out right away they will have a place for you to stay and will help with applying for state benefits and housing. There are programs that will help and even completely pay for childcare so that you can go to work or school. I believe there is a 1 800 number that you can call and get the information for your local shelter.
 

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Yes, you can get out. You -- and your babies -- deserve better. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

The U.S. isn't run by the Taliban. You can obtain a divorce if you want one. He doesn't have to "agree."
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by 7kiddosmom
My dh and I were having much trouble about 5 1/2 years ago. I applied for housing with out him knowing, and was approved quickly because it was emergency and I was pregnant. I also contacted the women's shelter in our area and they paid the deposits for all my utilities (except phone). They even brought diapers for my little one and had a lawyer that would help if I needed any legal council. Things did work out with my dh and I and we are still married and our 8th baby is on the way.

Call your local women's shelter. If you need out right away they will have a place for you to stay and will help with applying for state benefits and housing. There are programs that will help and even completely pay for childcare so that you can go to work or school. I believe there is a 1 800 number that you can call and get the information for your local shelter.
I will keep all these things in mind...my problem is, I have zero income right now. I would be open to being a WAHM -- but have found very few options that looked like it would make enough to cover even the rent on a small studio.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by 7kiddosmom
Call your local women's shelter. If you need out right away they will have a place for you to stay and will help with applying for state benefits and housing. There are programs that will help and even completely pay for childcare so that you can go to work or school. I believe there is a 1 800 number that you can call and get the information for your local shelter.
: Just from your posts, this man sounds dangerous and you should get you and your babies out, fast.
 

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I wish I could tell you to just come stay with me for a little while! But I'm not in your area

I would post this in FYT and see if anybody knows a good lawyer you could work with, or laws regarding this sort of thing in your area.
You need to do what's best for YOU and your babies!! Don't worry about how he'll take it. Think about the three of you. That's all that matters
 
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