Mothering Forum banner
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
389 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My DH has a big cursing/handling anger problem. We've discussed him cursing in front/around our 22mo DS NUMEROUS times but it is still a big problem...if not bigger now. DS is talking...his current nickname is Pete Repeat. Months ago he picked up "oh Sh!t" (prob from both of us, though I have been really careful lately) He even uses it appropriately (such as dropping his juice in the car). Funny kinda but not really funny for when he starts daycare and is teaching other kids this.
When DH slips I do not get mad...I simply remind "hun, watch your mouth" or just say "language" and I try to do it so that DS doesn't sense anything other than normal convo. DH often just gets more pissed and starts cursing worse and at me- yelling etc. He says I'm talking to him like a child, don't tell me how to be a parent, etc. If I say nothing to him, which is what he wants, he will continue to curse more and more at whatever he was cursing about in the first place. Its lose lose. I am the one who has to deal with the consequences so this isn't fair. I don't want my kid to be bad influence in the daycare/class. And once he learns them I have to hear them repeatedly.
I'm not perfect but I make a serious effort. (DH turned me into a curser, but we discussed long ago that I didn't want DS talking like a sailor and said we'd both have to watch our language.
Advice? What can I do? What do you guys do who have partners that curse like crazy? Also this is a vent, DH struck a big nerve today.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
1,454 Posts
I don't mind curse words as long as they're not aimed at someone. I'm okay with someone saying "I've been b*tch*ng all day" but I don't like someone saying "She's a b*tch." for example. It's just not respectful and I don't think that's cool.

That said, if your husband is cursing AT you, that's a huge disrespect issue and that should be addressed. If he wants to disagree with you, he can do it respectfully.

Maybe have a little sit-down with him and discuss the matter. "I thought we had both agreed about cursing in front of Aidan. Have you changed your mind?"

Ultimately you can't control his language. I try not to swear much around the kids but sometimes I'm really mad and I do it anyway. As long as I'm not cursing someone out, I don't expect my partner to chastise me. Maybe gently remind me "little ears are listening."

Hope you get it figured out!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,274 Posts
Sounds like he has control issues and needs to grow up a little. It is not about him.

It doesn't matter what other people do, if you do not want your child to curse and swear, then that should be enough for him. IMHO, for him to get so defensive and childish about that, is unacceptable.

Maybe you can try to speak to him about when the children are in bed and he is not cussing a blue streak. A true partner tries to make life easier for the other person, not try to win a pissing contest just for spite.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
9,652 Posts
Cussing shows a lack of good vocabulary and bad manners to boot. Now that your dh is parent, he needs to "get the memo" on this one.

Make up your own swear words for those" hit your hand with the hammer" moments in life.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
389 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks ladies, its good to hear that I'm not being stupidly overprotective about this one. I agree that cursing at someone is much more offensive but really I don't want my child using those words to express his feelings. If he wants to say "b!tchin'" one day as a teen then fine, but thats totally different. I don't have a problem with expressing frustration, but there are better ways to do it. Thats something I'm working on myself because I grew up around a Dad who when he got mad/stressed/frustrated would yell, curse, and worse. I hated the way it made me feel and I hate that I then learned to somewhat express my feelings inappropriately because of it. I don't want that for my son. My DH should be well aware of this. He always says, "I'm not your father". At least my Dad always felt sorry for the way he acted...
I'm getting off track. I feel like I've tried multiple ways to express this to him and he just doesn't care enough - He has this view of me that I think I"m the ultimate parent so his way of "putting me in my place" so to speak is to shove things like this in my face. Yeah, we have some issues.
Any ideas of ways, other than just leaving him, that I can get through to him? I'm sick of being on eggshells.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,737 Posts
Your husband's behavior about the situation is totally, 100%, completely wrong. But I say that so the opposite impression isn't given when I say that if my spouse was saying "hun, watch your mouth" to me if I cursed I would feel like I was being spoken to like a child too. And for me feeling treated like a child in front of my child wouldn't really contribute to advancing my relationship either.

It's a tough spot. I feel like you're right, but that maybe you could find a more neutral way to handle it.

(Which obviously doesn't address the respect issues involved at all.)
 

· Registered
Joined
·
6,797 Posts


I could have written your post.

My DH always swears, frequently and loudly. It bothers me immensely, which I think is one reason he does it.

Mainly, though, he does it because of where he grew up (more the teenage years), his general language outside of work is kind of rough and crass, and also I think it's partly he thinks it's funny.

It's been a major point of contention with us, especially because our little one has been known to say the F word, and an array of other swear words.

The advice I have read and heard is to ignore children swearing because they are doing it to get a reaction. Don't give them the reaction they are seeking and they will most likely stop.

But, children are mimics and they do form habits based on their surroundings. IF a parent swears, a child is going to swear too, most likely. So, yeah, I try to remind DH of that and I also try to model behavior and language myself.

To me, it's not just the swearing, but the crude and gruff language. I hate that my DH goes around calling women "this chick" or "that chick" or if he's in traffic and a woman cuts him off or something it's "dumb b*tch." I despise that language. And so that bothers me even more than the F word or a damn thrown into a sentence.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
6,797 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
It's a tough spot. I feel like you're right, but that maybe you could find a more neutral way to handle it.
It is a tough spot to be. Coming up with a neutral way to approach it is very challenging, maybe even impossible. I mean, when you address someone's language, they often take that very personally.

Plus, swearing on that level is usually a symptom of underlying problems, as others have pointed out, and as I have seen in my own marriage.

It is a tough, tough situation to be in and hard to manage.

The spouse who is swearing has to want to change, or no amount of pleading, neutral attempts at discussion, or reminders will work.

The best approach I have found is to model behavior yourself, and to not respond in a negative way when your child cusses. Be sure to let them know it's not acceptable, but otherwise ignore it. Children are looking for a reaction and if you don't give them the reaction and instead redirect them or distract them, they will probably move on to more successful reaction grabbers.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,948 Posts
I think that the main issue here is not the cursing, but your husbands disrespectful, abusive behavior.

I personally do not curse. My partner curses more than anyone I have ever imagined could curse. I'm sure my baby's first word will be something crass. Whatever...I agree that cursing at someone is incredibly disrespectful and not ok and if my partner was doing that, we would have a big problem. Cursing in and of itself does not really bother me. If my baby learns to curse, I'll either ignore it or encourage her to learn more appropriate language.

I can see why you would feel apprehensive about your kiddo teaching all the other kids his colorful vocabulary. That could be problematic!

If your dp is not willing to respect you in general, and specifically in this situation then you are going to need alot more help than any of us can give you via message board advice!

And really, this is not even about doing you a favor, or going along with your wishes. The other parents of your child's friends are going to be totally freaked out when their kids start cursing...that is your dp's problem to deal with, not just yours.

I feel for you.

Good luck!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,999 Posts
STBDH and I DO NOT curse in front of Ds yes of course we are humans and slip up at times but if it does happen we tell Ds that was a bad word and I am sorry please do not say that it sounds nasty and gross
he is also 5 so he understands what we are saying I am big on the no curseing I used to work in a day care and would hear little 3 yo or 2 yo swearing and was disgusted in it
One child even was kicked out for his regular use of the word s&^t!

Now I have been in a verbally abusive and calling names and being nasy is abuse! please try to get your Dp help and sit and talk to him about it he may not(and I am giving him LOTS of credit) even realize he is being abusive to you and once he sees it may (again lots of credit) stop. I have since my relationship been extreamily strict with my Dp (honestly I am shocked he wants to marry me with all my rules and junk that is not up for debate
something that you need to think about also is do you want your LO to think that is how you treat a lady? And talk to people? and mostly how to treat you! Children learn what they live and I can see that with my own nephew that my sister and BIL are not doing as well as she says just by how he will talk and treat people I will say why are you saying XYandZ he will proudly say well my dad says that to my mom all the time. Please if not for you stop the cycle with your Ds and put the nastiness to a stop


I hope I did not come across like I was lectureing you because that was not my intention i am just very passionate about women being yelled at and being called names
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
I just want to pipe in with a 'yeah that' about it not being a cursing or not cursing issue. I think, as far as the language is concerned, there will always be things you allow and he doesn't, or things he allows that you don't. It's not the end of the world if he swears, you don't, and the child isn't allowed to swear.

The walking on eggshells comment concerns me though, gotta say.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top