[Maine Mama Doula]

So DH told me today that he does not want to practice attachment parenting with our next child. DD2 cries all the time unless she is being held or paid attention to. He thinks it's because we AP. I told him we AP because she cries so much.

I disagree with him, but I'm also realizing that we AP DS, but not so much so with DD when we were inexperienced and didn't know what kind of parents we would be. DD is the most behaved of our three children. DS and DD2 are high needs.

I think they thrive because we AP, but is it possible that we are shaping them to be needy? I'm at a loss now. Suggestions?

 

[kcparker]

No, you are doing the opposite of making them needy. Come on, they are BABIES. They ARE needy right now. Maybe they can't even tie their own shoelaces. You are making them feel secure right now when they need it so they won't be needy and insecure when they are spreading their wings and venturing out on their own. I figure it's a kind of pay now or pay later deal, and it's sure easier to deal with the troubles of a little kid than a big one!

Suggestions, maybe get DH to read some AP books, or introduce him to some awesome teenagers who were high-needs small children who got AP when they were little?

 

[peainthepod]

I agree with kcparker. Babies are needy. They're little squirming, squealing, wonderful bundles of raw need. They are entirely helpless and some of them need reassurance more than other. Get him some good AP books and don't doubt yourself. This weird expectation that our babies should practically take care of themselves is very modern, but totally unrealistic. The truth is, mammalian infants require constant care and attention for a long time. It can be rough on the parents but the benefits are so worth it!

Hang in there, mama.

 

[Maine Mama Doula]

You don't know how many times I've tried to get him to read...forget it. Usually, I do all the reading and if I read something relevant to us, I read it out loud to him. It's the only way that he will "read" anything. The only thing he reads is his metal detecting site and that's because he has little time to read so he wants to read something he enjoys.

 

[LadyCatherine185]

your DD is still sooo young. of course she is needy and cries a lot. if she is high needs, becoming non-AP is going to make her cry MORE, and cry HARDER.

i'm sorry your DH is being like this. he is probably just frustrated with having 3 young children, and a needy baby. a few months down the road when she is more independant and exploring her world, he will probably forget all about this.

 

[sapphire_chan]

So you didn't AP your first two and they rarely cried?

Your dd is only 3 months old. She spent 75% of her existence being held 24/7, it's bound to be a bit hard to adjust to being set down from time to time.

I didn't even try setting Lina down until around 4months and now she fusses to be put down to play.

 

[katmann]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babyluvandkisses You don't know how many times I've tried to get him to read...forget it. Usually, I do all the reading and if I read something relevant to us, I read it out loud to him. It's the only way that he will "read" anything. The only thing he reads is his metal detecting site and that's because he has little time to read so he wants to read something he enjoys.

Sorry, but if he's not going to participate in the research, he shouldn't get a say. Or at the very least it's nervy of him to question your findings and decisions. Maybe the onus should be on him to find research that refutes APing, if he wants to change everything all of a sudden.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Why not call it something else?

I'm not sure we "AP" exactly - but we don't let Lincoln cry, and we hold him when he wants to be held - which isn't all the time. We have carriers for him, but he prefers the stroller right now - when he gets just a bit bigger I think that might change.

My son is 1 day younger than your daughter - and he's not high needs, but I think he might be if we didn't respond to him the way he needs us to.

You could always just tell your dh that some babies are high needs and others aren't - maybe your older dd wasn't. What did you do that was so much different with her than what you are doing now?

 

[Maine Mama Doula]

I totally agree that if he doesn't do the research, he shouldn't have a say

I think it really got to me tonight because I am going back to work in two days and he's the one who will be home all of the time. I just hope that he parents. He usually just plays and does whatever to get through the day. I'm sure they will grow up knowing they have a loving father and I will probably be the one they resent because I am always knitpicking what we should be doing :sigh

Anyhow, we will keep AP and I hope that the OP is right and she will be begging to get down in another month and DH will forget all about this.

 

[allisonrose]

Just wanted to give you some sympathy on the non-reading hubby. Mine is the same way. He doesn't enjoy it since watching TV is so much easier.

All babies are different. You might find parents who aren't AP with the calmest baby ever or you might find AP parents with a baby that spends hours and hours crying. Their temperaments are not under our control.

 

[Maine Mama Doula]

I didn't get into baby wearing until my son and now DD2. With DD, we starting co-sleeping, but she quickly went into her own crib in her own room as EVERYONE slept better that way. It's always hard to remember, but I think she was at least 4 months before we put her in her own crib and taking a bottle at night before we put her in another room. She cried, but not a lot, so I could say, nurse and type, or set her in the bouncy seat while I did homework. Or she crawled around our living room by 8 months and she was happy to sit and look at things by herself.

DS didn't walk until he was 17 months old, right after I had DD2. We've always carried him and he is high-needs. We move him out of our bed when he was 9 months because he was nursing every hour and I work full-time and I didn't know it but I was pregnant and that was it! He weaned when he was 12 months and still begs to be attached (held, worn, etc).

DD2 has silent reflux, refuses to be put down, has to fall asleep in arms and will often wake if you try to set her down. She didn't really have a happy moment until we got her on Prevacid, but her high-need, demanding nature is still the same. It's easier to cope with because now we have those moments where she smiles or just looks so damn cute.

She's slow to gain weight and exclusively breastfed. I'm scared that she's not going to eat when I go back to work because she has not taken to any of our bottles. It would be OK if she wasn't already on the small side.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this - I don't think there is anything we can do different. She is what she is and we are doing the best that we can. I'm just hoping that he doesn't set her down and let her cry because he doesn't feel like holding her once I go back to work. Don't get me wrong, DH is a great parent and a wonderful husband - we just seem to have trouble with the newborn phase. I'm sure it will all pass and we'll be wanting another in the future!

 

[accountclosed3]

well, it's tough if he's the one SAHP. you just have to trust him, rather than nitpick.

i'm sure that you're right--that they'll know that they have a loving father. you just have to work through your anxieties. i'm sorry that you're not on the same page though.

 

[spirit4ever]

We do ap out of instinct, I don't think I've ever actually told dh the term!!

I agree with the pp's!

 

[NaturalMama311]

We do ap out of instinct, I don't think I've ever actually told dh the term!!
QUOTE]

Oh how I WISH I never told DH the terms AP. I do it all by instinct as well, it was the way I was raised and how I always intended to raise my children. Now there is this *name* for it and I regret ever teaching DH the name. he is constantly telling me that AP has made our baby a whiner and made her needy. If I never taught him the term he would never say such things!

 

[Maine Mama Doula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NaturalMama311 Oh how I WISH I never told DH the terms AP. I do it all by instinct as well, it was the way I was raised and how I always intended to raise my children. Now there is this *name* for it and I regret ever teaching DH the name. he is constantly telling me that AP has made our baby a whiner and made her needy. If I never taught him the term he would never say such things!

That's exactly how I feel! APing was not instinct for me though because it is not how I was raised, but once I found cloth diapers and then baby carriers, I fell in love with the style and how it makes me feel close to my children. I am an introvert and AP helps me be close to my children. I wish it came more naturally, but it doesn't. That's probably why DH has trouble with it, because I do not do it as easily as some.

 

[coffee.caugh]

men

and men aren't mothers either.. important to remember that while they love and cherish the children as well, nothing they read/do will come as close as having the "know" that us mamas do. so if he disagrees with ap throw that out the window and just do what you feel is right anyway and i'm sure it will fall 99% in line with ap anyway, just take the term of ap out of it.
in my relationship i've learned that names to things tend to complicate the matter

gl

 

[AirMiami]

Your little one is only 3 months old just now (actually, today! Happy 3 month bday!). You can't spoil a 3 month old and they need you to respond to their needs. You're doing a good job! I too have a high needs, needy 2 1/2 month old. I don't like it when she cries, so I just hold her all day and it seems to be exactly what she wants/needs right now.

EDIT: And I just noticed that your little boy isn't even 2 years old yet! He's still a baby as well, babies act like babies! I don't know what your husband expects out of your children...