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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So we are all lying down for bed, DH, DD (6mos), me, and DS (2.5) and DD is not really ready for sleep. DH is exhausted from a night work schedule, but DS won't go to bed unless I lie down with him...<br><br>
Okay, so I prod DH to get up with DD until DS is asleep...hope you can follow thisokay...he takes her out and as he's walking out he says, "Hurry up." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
So, DS and I are snuggling, he's going right to sleep, when we hear DD crying. DH is *soothing* her ("Okay, you're alright"--in an annoyed or short sort of tone) as she's getting more upset. Hmmm, think she's sensing his apathy???? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Anyway, I then hear him call out ot me in an obviously angry tone that I need to come out there. Well, I wait it out, hoping he'll realize that DS is almost asleep and I'm on my way. Then I hear him again, more angrily telling me to come out. So, I get up, telling my very sleepy DS I'll be right back, and I go out to get DD. DH looks pissed, and I say, "Why didn't you bring her in instead of yelling through the wall??" (Yeah, I was a bit annoyed <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> ).<br><br>
Anyway, I think we both said a couple of other insignificant things, then he just loses it nad says, "F--- you!" as he's shoving his finger in my face! Meanwhile, I'm left standing there holding my daughter crying...I get out something like,"Whatis wrong with you, or grow up..." not really sure what I said, and I go to the bedroom, lie down, and DD falls asleep nursing and exhausted from crying. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
So, now he's sleeping on the couch and I'm in here knitting and trying to understand how a pretty loving and calm family evening turned into Jerry Springer!!!??? :LOL<br><br>
Anybody relate??? Or, any ideas on how to approach him and get back the love? I absolutely hate feeling like this, adn would love to turn back time...
 

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Sleep dep makes people bugnuts crazy?<br><br>
My mum has a sleeping disorder, and I recall some particularly nasty times before she got herself diagnosed and taken care of. Not that it's an excuse, but maybe just an explanation...<br><br>
That sounds like it sucked in a big way. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Julia
 

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I hate that feeling that you get when there's been a arguement..I don't know how to help, only that I suggest once he's been well rested talk about it, its not cool to say stuff like that, even if you are tired. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I have told my dh several times that it's really disrespectful to curse at me...his excuse is that he's pissed off. Whatever! Sounds like a rough night, I'm really sorry. I'm sure he feels stupid (he should).
 

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Are we related? This sounds so much like my DH last night. He came home, obviously tired and was grumping about the baby "touching" him. WTH?
 

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Dh is on the night shift too. It definitely does make them complete buttholes at times. We have a king sized bed in our room and a queen sized box spring and mattress on the floor in the girls' room. When he starts acting all pissy, I just say, "Look. I know you're tired. We'll just move into the girls' room so you can get some rest," and we do. NO discussion. It used to irritate him, but now he appreciates it. It even makes him feel bad later--and sometimes that's the best part! :LOL <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I hope things are better now for you.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> for you mama. Hope things are better for you now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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My DH has these moments, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: He went into parenthood fully believing that he would never have to lose any sleep, including refusing to stay up with me while I labored (alone in the bathtub at home) and refusing to stay up/get up at night in the hospital after we transferred. He occasionally has done some nighttime diapers or walking fussy baby, but it's 90% me. So maybe I'm applying my annoyance at my own DH to this situation, but I don't think it's up to you to approach him. I think he owes you, and the children, an apology. It's not just about the not wanting to do the nighttime parenting; it's about the lack of respect he displayed to all of you.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I second the suggestion to have him sleep in another room so he gets better rest. Have a firm agreement on how you'll let him know when you need his help. (Ours includes, "I will not scream, 'Help!' from the other room unless I really need you immediately and can't leave the baby." Waking him so suddenly and frantically sends him into a fullblown panic mode, which is unnecessarily upsetting if the situation doesn't warrant it.) The only reason not to do that is if it's very important to you to have a total partnership in nighttime parenting, in which case you'll have to talk about that w/him and make sure you're on the same page about what that means.<br><br>
Advice for resolving arguments in general: If you are in the wrong at all, esp. if you "started" it, apologize. Never mind if you think he is "more wrong"; get the apologies started by being sorry (don't just say it; mean it, as much as you can) for your own behavior. Don't try to justify yourself, and help yourself resist that by keeping the apology brief.<br>
Don't say:<br>
"I'm sorry I criticized you for not bringing the baby in, but I was so busy trying to get DS to sleep, and I was upset that you were using such an impatient tone to the baby when you know that doesn't help her calm down, and you sounded angry when you yelled to me as if it was my fault the baby was fussy when it was yours, and you should've known I couldn't get up until DS was asleep!!!"<br>
Say:<br>
"I'm sorry I criticized you for not bringing the baby in. I know I had told you to take her out until DS was asleep, so actually it made sense that you didn't bring her back. I said some angry things to you, and I'm sorry. I do appreciate your help."<br><br>
Your apologizing might or might not get him to apologize. If not, wait until a little later to tell him you were very hurt by his words and gesture and you don't want to be treated that way.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sorry you had such a bad night!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I appreciate all of your understanding and advice.<br><br>
DH and I talked about how horrible it was a couple hours later. We agreed that he would wait it out with DD if he could, then just bring her in when she really needed me. It worked well the last 2 nights, and tonight, he came in and got her on his own, so he's more open to it, too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
Cosleeping with a toddler and a baby is a challenge sometimes, but it is sooooo worth it in the end! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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yes - i agree it is worth it in the end<br>
glad that things have got a bit ironed out for you<br><br>
I think that many DHs take SOME TlME to realise their end of the bargain in managing young ones sleeping. I think it's right that he takes his end of the responsibility even if he has come back from night shift - you too have been doing your 'shift' when he was not there !
 
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