[SugarAndSun]

My dh has a hobby that keeps him quite busy. (triathlete) He tries to do a lot of his training during his down time at work, but still spends quite a few Sundays at races and evenings, etc. He has also gone away two weekends and one 5 day weekend since April. He has also been trying to be more present in our relationship, which is nice.

I try to be somewhat understanding since he likes it so much, but I can't help feeling resentful. We have a 21 month old and a 2.5 month old whom I love taking care of, but I get kinda lonely when doing it by myself for an extended period. We could go with him, which we do once in a while, but long six hour car rides don't work well for the kiddos.

Am I being unfair to him by being resentful? He says he would happily take care of the kids while I go away, just give ds2 a bottle.

: I can't really take advantage of this since ds1 is in a very clingy stage and is very sad when I leave him and I'm not giving ds2 a bottle. I just like us to spend time together. Yet, I understand he likes time to himself.

I wish I had another local mama to spend time with who is in the same boat.

I've always been a very busy person and can get a bit stir crazy.

Can anyone help me put this in perspective?

 

[alaska]

Maybe if you had a change of perspective? To me, the way it reads is that you are choosing to not take your DH up on the offer to go away yourself, that you are making the choice to "sacrifice" your time for your boys right now.

That's how I look upon my choice to exclusively bf dd - if I was okay with dh giving her a bottle of ebm, I'd be able to get some sleep at night every once in a while. but my choice is to not do that, and not night wean, and to ride it out. So I deal with the lack of sleep. Once I started looking at it like a choice I was making, my resentment of my relatively well-rested DH evaporated.

I don't think there's anything wrong with needing some alone time, as long as both parents are equally willing to support the other in their effort to get that alone time, and your children don't suffer for it. Your DH is willing to give you that time, but you are choosing not to take him up on it. On the other hand, your DH is choosing to take you up on your offer to let him have it.

Take the choice back as far as your ownership of it, and maybe you will feel a little more in control of the situation/empowered, and subsequently okay with it.

I hth some

I know it isn't going to help the feeling of wanting to spend more time together, but it sounds to me like your giving your DH this time to do his hobby makes him feel fulfilled and happy. (Maybe you could find a hobby that helps you feel the same, but that doesn't require extended absences?)

 

[mamameg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alaska I don't think there's anything wrong with needing some alone time, as long as both parents are equally willing to support the other in their effort to get that alone time, and your children don't suffer for it. Your DH is willing to give you that time, but you are choosing not to take him up on it. On the other hand, your DH is choosing to take you up on your offer to let him have it.

But I hear her saying she doesn't want time alone. She wants more family time together.

SugarAndSun, I think you can be supportive of your DH's hobby and still get what you want/need. Personally, I think 3 trips away in 4 months time is too much. (Doing the math, if that's his average, that could be 9-10 trips a year - almost once a month!) But more importantly, you seem to think it's too much. Maybe you can explain to your DH that you just want more time together as a family and strike some sort of compromise on how many trips he will take per year.

But in striking that compromise, don't understaimate how much a few hours here and there for yourself will help counter the resentment build up. I totally understand not wanting to leave the babes, but they will be okay with their father for a bit of time here and there and you can recharge your batteries. Or if you really are that uncomfortale leaving them and you wouldn't be able to relax during your break, you could try doing something like this ---> Mom's Friday Night Bath. We do it and it's a low stress, easy to coordinate, no bottle necessary event. I get an hour to myself, kiddo trauma is minimal, DH keeps them occupied, and if there's a real meltdown, I'm right there to step in. Eveyrone wins.

 

[jen in co]

I'm not a frequent poster, but as someone who also trains/has trained for triathlons (Ironman distance) and had a hubby who did/does the same, I thought I'd offer some advice based on what we've done. It probably helps that we both shared this hobby, so I understand what it takes/doesn't take to train for the races. IMO, a lot of triathletes are a little obsessive and train more than necessary, but that aside, the most important thing is to sit down at the beginning of each season and decide on the races together (try to pick ones where there could be fun stuff for you and your kiddos to do too if you can all afford to go) and talk about training schedules and expectations. With my DH and I, we always tried to do as much of the training during kids sleeping periods -- this isn't always possible (e.g. a 100 mile bike ride is going to take 6 hours and wipe you out no matter what, so we make allowances for those days). I used to get up at 4:30 to swim in the AM and did most of my runs early too. For us, we always tried to make sure we both weren't training for something intense at the same time...and we actually scheduled family time/outings just like workouts. While these are all things you've probably thought of, I just thought I'd share what worked for us. When my DD was 2 months old my DH did an Ironman and honestly didn't train as much as he should have...2 months is such a tough time (and especially with another one so little) that I don't know if I could have taken it if I were in your shoes...

After reading this, I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but figured I'd share anyways

 

[lilyka]

I can understand how you feel. My dh is a Mt biker. its hard that his hobby is not something I enjoy so much.

could he adjust his training? I realize some of it just has to be done in a concentrated effort but things like taking the kids in the trailer/jog stroller, riding/running to and from work, etc can help.

we also decided that races had to be family things. he won't complain about us coming along and we won't complain about the packing/car trip/traveling with kids/being bored (after all I wanted to come and support him in this).

It will also vbe easier once your kids can seperate a little and you can get a break every now and then.

I also think he needs to strike a balance and spend at elast asmuch time on family fun (and un-fun) things as he does on his personal recreation. there really is time enough for both. might not be enough time to make everyone happy but at least if he can balance it it will help you both feel more understood.

 

[claras_mom]

First, I do understand that you'd like more time together as a family and not necessarily time to yourself. But that said...at two and a half, ds1 will be clingy, but spending time with his daddy is a good thing--for him and for your dh. My dd can be very clingy right now--20 months--but the angst usually lasts about 5 minutes after I leave her with her dad. And does your younger son only drink breast milk? Because at 21 months, he could surely be left with your dh for a couple of hours with some healthy snacks and a sippy cup of water.

My dh doesn't train for triatholons, but he is way into training for centuries (100mile rides, for those not into the lingo

). He hasn't been doing the super-long rides, but on the weekends he likes to do at least one 3-4 hour ride, and during the week, after work, he tries to get in 1-1/2 to 2 hours. So I actually relate really well to what you're feeling. The difference is that besides wanting the time with him, I want the time alone--where he looks after dd and I go and do something just for me. It's a hard balance to strike.

We've been researching child trailers so that he and I can start riding together again. I'm good to go on his recovery days; that way I have a small chance of keeping up!

well, that and he'll be the one pulling the trailer...

 

[jlpumkin]

Just wanted to second what Jen in co posted - my dh and I ran marathons together before we had dd. Now with 2 scheduling is even more difficult. These sort of sports are family affairs whether both parents run or not. It takes a total committment from everyone. Maybe you could discuss with him that you are more than willing to be supportive - because it sounds like you are - but that he's just sort of over extending the family right now. Maybe he would be willing to scale back training or races or both to a slightly more family friendly level. Especially since it would just be temporary, family dynamics will change as the kids get a little older allowing for new options. Good luck!

 

[SugarAndSun]

My younger ds is 2.5 months.... so itishard to leave him.

I think the answer is for me to do some things, since I know it would be too hard for him to give up his time. I think I am going to discuss that I will jog five nights per week for 45 minutes when he gets home and also take some Sundays (with ds2) for myself and he can do something fun with ds1.

Thanks for your calm insight. More is welcome.

 

[claras_mom]

Embarrassed!

Woke up with an inkling that something wasn't quite right, kwim? and just now got to the computer.

I misread your kids' ages as 21 months and 2.5 years! (but you kind of already figured that out

)

So just forget what I said previously about leaving the younger with healthy snacks and a sippy cup!

It sounds to me like you're coming to a good solution to part of the issue--good for you!

Edited to add: I really can relate--we're in the family coordination zone today bigtime. Church and groceries all-together; then I went out to shop (unsuccessfully) for a wedding gift for our niece while dd napped; came back for a late lunch and playing with with dd while dh sort of dozed (it was an early morning); went out again (successfully); then back in plenty of time for dh to take off on a 3 hour training ride. So Clara and I are hanging out. With any luck at all, dh and I will have some quality time together this evening before one or both of us conks out.

 

[SugarAndSun]

Hmmm... well so much for my rationality. I lost it yesterday and got really mad at DH for leaving for the weekend. BIL heard too who is always so judgemental of me b/c I have emotions other than happy. His wife only has happy.

Oh well, the drama continues.

 

[Brisen]

Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask dh to cut back while the kids are little. Everyone has to make adjustments -- not just the parent with the boobs. And I think the transition from one to two kids is the hardest, harder in many ways than having your first baby. Of course, I don't have any constructive ideas for how to work things out. I just ended up waiting for dh to come around and realize he needed to put in more time at home. (It's also helped that he's not in school or working at a job now where he can put in overtime).

 

[sunnysideup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brisen Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask dh to cut back while the kids are little. Everyone has to make adjustments -- not just the parent with the boobs.

:

 

[claras_mom]

I went back and read the original post to get a sense of the timing of all this. So basically since you were 7 months pg with ds2, dh has been gone 3 times, and besides that there's training.

Don't beat yourself up for losing it over the weekend; you are being supportive above and beyond the call. There has to be a better balance, at least while the kids are so young.

And it's something you have to work out by talking to your dh--but you strike me as someone who knows that.

All I can speak to is the hole I occasionally dig for myself, in the delicate negotiations that make a marriage with small kid(s). My dh is very straightforward. One of the things I love about him is that he doesn't play mind games. If I ask, "are you okay with X?" and he says "yes" then he is. But he kind of expects the same. If I say, "honey, I find myself resenting the fact that when we're both working on house projects, I end up wrangling dd and don't get tasks finished" and he says, "I understand; all you ever have to do is ask and I'll take over," then if I don't ask, but get resentful all over again, he really doesn't get it.

It can be the same with exercise goals. If I don't want him to do a long ride, or if I have things I want to do--so that we need to negotiate the timing--I have to be very upfront about it. The hole I dig is failing to strike that balance between really wanting to support him in what he enjoys--the exercise, the alone time--and clearly stating what I really need for myself, whether it's time alone or time with him.

 

[Marsupialmom]

You have one that is really small....could you be battling those darn post partum hormones?? I don't think you would be wrong to ask him to cut back for a few months.