[NewDirections]

Dh and I got in a huge fight last night 
Some background, we've been married a year and for about the past nine months our sex life has become very infrequent. Before that, we were like rabbits. It was wonderful and very satisfying. Since last spring, the frequency has slowly decreased. I did everything I could to remedy this, from trying new things, to encouraging him, giving him the options of watching adult movies together, to being understanding and not pressuring him; nothing worked. To put it in a subtle way, dh stopped making our intimate time enjoyable for me, yet it was still enjoyable for him. When I asked him what was going on, he didn't know and just said he was "uncomfortable". Eventually he said that he completely lost his sex drive and he didn't know why. I was devastated  We are in both couples counseling and individual counseling to deal with the difficulties this has caused.

Before we got married, he used to "read" a popular brand of an adult magazine, the one with the bunny (not sure if I can say the name). I let him know that I'm not comfortable with that and he told me that he had no problem not looking at that type of material anymore. In my past, my father was a real dirt bag who would leer at women constantly even when out with his kids, cheated on my mother repeatedly, and left adult magazines lying around. This is the reason why I'm uncomfortable with those magazines and I explained that to dh before we got married.

A few months after we started having intimacy difficulties, I was on his computer and I saw some websites with naked girls on the history of his computer. I was so angry and felt that my trust was completely betrayed. I also was extremely hurt and confused; I just couldn't understand why he didn't want to be intimate with me but wanted to look at naked women online. Dh has the right to refuse to be intimate, but I don't think it's fair that he then looks at those images. I felt that I was being replaced.

When I confronted dh about this, he at first said he was trying to see if this would increase his sex drive. Later on in the conversation, he said that he was just stressed because of his job and he wanted an escape. I told him that this was not ok with me and he told me he would not look at those sites anymore. This happened last October. Since then our intimate life as slightly improved.

Last night, I needed to show him something online and I didn't have my computer. I asked to use his, he was fine with this. As soon as I was typing in www one of the sites that he was looking at last fall came up immediately. It showed that it was the second site he looked at before putting his computer away. I asked him about this and he said that he was playing a game online and clicked on a link that brought him to that website. I looked at every single game site that was in his history, and none had any link to a site anywhere remotely close to that adult site. I noticed that this site was listed as one of his "favorites". I also realized that this url wouldn't have come up if he hadn't typed in the address himself. I found this online

Quote:

In most browsers, the URL value can often be auto-completed, either by looking up similar URLs from the history or by using keyboard shortcut for URL completion.

I confronted him and told him that I didn't believe him. He became very defensive and said that he was telling the truth, didn't know how he got on the site, and if I didn't believe him that was fine. He was a big jerk and totally unsupportive to my feelings. I got really upset and started crying. I think he's lying. His story about clicking on a game link doesn't make sense and he's so defensive. I just feel so betrayed, my trust is shattered, and I've lost so much respect for him.

 

[Roxswood]

I could have posted something similar about 15 months ago.

Things have improved no end for us, I don't know for sure obviously but I believe my husband no longer looks at stuff like that online without it being something we do together. Things aren't all completely rosy, I'm still stuck in low self esteem and sometimes feel hopeless like if all men are like this then I don't want to be with one. Your dad sounds very similar to mine, I grew up seeing porn mags/videos left around from a very early age (I was an inquisitive child, they weren't completely in plain sight but neither well hidden) and my Dad remarked on every woman on tv or in the papers, I also knew from fairly young that he'd visited a prostitute while married. Porn is something I can't deal with my husband watching in secret, and especially not when he was turning me down for sex at the same time. Its soul destroying.

I don't know what to tell you, we've made changes in a lot of ways and I don't know which one was most important. We've started to really talk much more than we ever have, I try hard to listen and not to judge (not always great at this but I'm improving) so he feels safe to talk to me. I lost a lot of weight and I made an effort to dress more nicely and I replaced all my tatty underwear with pretty stuff that he liked. He lost weight too and started to feel better about himself and we talked and talked and talked. It turned out he had no idea about basic stuff about how women's bodies worked sexually and he thought I was being abnormally demanding in bed because I wanted an O! and so turning to porn and taking care of himself was easier than taking care of me.
He also needed me to do a lot more housework than I was doing and be more affectionate and attentive during the day too. He still doesn't jump on me daily like I would like but we're back to levels we're both happy with. Its more lack of opportunity now than lack of interest as he works odd hours and we have two badly sleeping children at the moment.

A lot of our progress has come about through a recommendation to read up on emotional needs on www.marriagebuilders.com though. I ended up buying the book His Needs/Her Needs which helped as well but there is enough on the website.

 

[confustication]

I think the "I clicked on a link" thing is the first things guys come up with, and then they get mad that they're caught.

Honestly though- in a marriage we need to pick our battles. I found some sites my husband had been wandering to, and I called him on it. He 'clicked on a link' too. (Honestly, I would LOVE a little creativity here guys- or maybe they all went to the same school of deception. )

I told him I didn't believe him, and I dropped it. At the time, our sex life was a little slow, but I was probably a little cranky and distracted during the day, and by night time, we were both too tired. At any rate, I told him how it made me feel, without focusing on his looking at it... I also backed off COMPLETELY on initiating sex for a few months.

Regardless, he's stopped looking at those sites online, and now I'm the one who isn't terribly interested most times. Weird how relationships work, sometimes you just weather the storm and find out it wasn't really so bad in the end.

(My husband finally admitted he looked, btw, and honestly, I cared far less about looking than I did about lying.)

 

[SmoothieMom]

I would only be upset if it was child porn or bestiality or gay porn, I (in my personal opinion) I think there is nothing wrong with a guy looking at porn and it's his own business and it's pretty well normal behavior for men.

You are making him lie to you when he insists he won't look at it anymore, he's going to look at it and you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you catch him.

Honestly, I would just tell him that you don't like it, but that he is an adult and you cannot control him, he's not your teen son, he's a grown man. I wouldn't recommend making him feel like there is something wrong with him and he should be ashamed - that could be the cause of the problems you are having.

I guess I look at it like masturbation, it's a private thing, there is no shame, there is no reason for anyone to know or judge you for it.

 

[PinkinPA]

Quote:

You are making him lie to you when he insists he won't look at it anymore, he's going to look at it and you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you catch him.

WOW!!! I disagree %100. Are yousuggesting she should have known there is an addiction going on? No person can "make" any person do anything. If he lies, it is a choice he made. She didn't make him do anything. This verything broke up my first marriage, now he "makes" internet porn with his new wife, after he promised me he would stop.

 

[LionTigerBear]

I think porn can be a big problem when it happens to surface at the same time as lowered libido. This is not an unusual correlation- a lot of men lose interest in intimate, personal relationship "relations" when they have the individual time with the non-emotionally-intimate stuff online. Sorry if this is vague, I'm trying to be discreet.

Anyway, I'm not sure the best way to deal with this, but I would certainly deal with it as a problem, and not just a normal "guy thing". And I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Rejection can be so heartbreaking.

 

[SmoothieMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkinPA WOW!!! I disagree %100. Are yousuggesting she should have known there is an addiction going on? No person can "make" any person do anything. If he lies, it is a choice he made. She didn't make him do anything. This verything broke up my first marriage, now he "makes" internet porn with his new wife, after he promised me he would stop.

He can't stop himself from looking and he can't promise to stop looking to please her. It's a lie. I don't think she should make him promise anything, he has to decide to give it up (if he wants to)

She feels betrayed because he lied to her, he said he wouldn't do something and now he is. How about accepting him for who he is and not making him change for you?

I don't believe he just started looking at it recently, it's just she has caught him. I bet he has done it for years.

 

[confustication]

I think it's pretty normal for *people* to look at porn, not just men. I don't think it's a huge issue unless it's getting in the way of other things.

*shrug*

I won't tell an adult what they can/can't do, I can only explain how it makes me feel in the context of what's going on in our life together. If they dn't respond to that* theissue isn't porn, it's a lack of respect for their spouse/partner.

 

[NewDirections]

Just to clarify, I explained to dh when he was db how I felt about looking at magazines and such at the beginning of our relationship. I did not tell him to stop, I said how those makes me feel and brings up issues from my past with my father. He said that he was completely fine not looking at that sort of thing anymore. It was not a big deal for him at all.

Then, last fall when our intimacy life sucked due to his lack of drive I saw his history and all the sites he went to. At the same time he was turning me down he was looking at sites a few hours later. He says that because of his lack of drive he wasn't self-gratifying (trying to be discreet here). After we talked about it, he said that he wasn't going to look at those anymore and that is was not a problem for him not to at all. Over the past few months he has continued to state that he hasn't looked at those sites. My point is that he agreed to stop looking at these sites and if he wasn't ok with stopping he should have told me so. I'm not completely saying not to look at that stuff, I just want us to look at it together. I have offered numerous times to watch adult movies with him, but he has always turned me down. I really wanted to do this and was disappointed when he said no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear I think porn can be a big problem when it happens to surface at the same time as lowered libido. This is not an unusual correlation- a lot of men lose interest in intimate, personal relationship "relations" when they have the individual time with the non-emotionally-intimate stuff online. Sorry if this is vague, I'm trying to be discreet. Anyway, I'm not sure the best way to deal with this, but I would certainly deal with it as a problem, and not just a normal "guy thing". And I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Rejection can be so heartbreaking.

LTB, that is totally it.

Roxwood, it sounds like unfortunately you know exactly how this feels. I'm so glad you shared

 

[NewDirections]

Quote:

Originally Posted by confustication I think it's pretty normal for *people* to look at porn, not just men. I don't think it's a huge issue unless it's getting in the way of other things. But it is getting in the way of other things, that's the problem. *shrug* I won't tell an adult what they can/can't do, I can only explain how it makes me feel in the context of what's going on in our life together. If they dn't respond to that* theissue isn't porn, it's a lack of respect for their spouse/partner.

I'm not telling him what to do, I'm telling him how it makes me feel. Due to the fact he's looking at sites behind my back after he told me he wasn't going to I do not feel respected nor that I can trust dh to do what he says. That is devastating and impacts all areas of our marriage.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

So OP, are you saying that when you met you didn't know he was a porn user?

Because I can get the anger if that is the case. I hate deceit and lies. So for me it wouldn't even be about the porn it would be about feeling like I didn't even know the person anymore.

I'm not a fan of porn and it will never have a place in my home or my bedroom. It's simply not an option, which was known and discussed in crystal clarity when we first got together.

We did have a period where he was secretly using internet pornography and I was disgusted and offended. Our sex life suffered because of his selfishness (so much easier than actual sex) and for lying about it. At the time I thought it was all about me, how I looked and how I didn't measure up which drove him to the porn, but it wasn't the case- the porn lessened his desire for real sex, and probably to some extent deadened my attractiveness in his eyes- afterall most of the porn out there is plastic and just absolutely raunchy unrealistic stuff actual women cannot begin to compete with.

It took years to rebuild the trust and it also took a while for him to disentangle himself from the addictive nature of porn.

Everyone it seems is so casual and haha, big deal, but the truth is pornography use can ruin intimacy and sexual closeness between partners, and it can be extremely destructive.

I don't think it's appropriate to tell OP that it's not a big deal, or that it's normal (who decided that for everyone?) when she clearly finds it upsetting and hurtful.

Lying is never ok, and I think you really need to have a frank and baldly honest talk with your husband, he may be in over his head. He might not be able to stop, or even worse he just might feel completely different than you about porn and not even want to stop.

You have to figure out where he's coming from. I hope he can muster up the b*lls to tell you the truth so you can move on and heal your sex life.

 

[NewDirections]

He's at work and just returned my phone call. We got in an even more horrible fight. He keeps insisting that he isn't lying and it was a link. I told him to just tell me the truth. He is so insistent. Could he be telling the truth? Or, if I believe that am I just an idiot?

:

Our conversation got heated and he said I was being a b

. He's never said that to me before. He also said that this incident was undoing all the hard work that we've done in couples counseling the past few months by me making such an issue of it, and now it's ruined all the time and money we've put into counseling. He told me to either get over it and we can stay together or keep being angry and we can break up. Later in the conversation I said that I wanted to talk about it when he got home. He told me that if that is the case, he's not coming home

He also said that he regretted marrying me

I can't believe that less than 24 hours ago, things were going really well in our relationship. Now, I'm heartbroken

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TatianaTiger He's at work and just returned my phone call. We got in an even more horrible fight. He keeps insisting that he isn't lying and it was a link. I told him to just tell me the truth. He is so insistent. Could he be telling the truth? Or, if I believe that am I just an idiot? : I think he's lying 100%, but please keep in mind it's most likely because he's ashamed that he's lied and made you upset. Our conversation got heated and he said I was being a b . He's never said that to me before. BTDT, people can act outrageous when they are called to the carpet for things they'd rather not see the light of day. He's defensive which means he's feeling guilty. He also said that this incident was undoing all the hard work that we've done in couples counseling the past few months by me making such an issue of it, and now it's ruined all the time and money we've put into counseling. If you don't mind saying, why are you in couples counseling already? That might be the answer to all of this rather than thinking it's about his porn use.He told me to either get over it and we can stay together or keep being angry and we can break up. Later in the conversation I said that I wanted to talk about it when he got home. He told me that if that is the case, he's not coming home He also said that he regretted marrying me He sounds really immature. How old is he? I can't believe that less than 24 hours ago, things were going really well in our relationship. Now, I'm heartbroken

Don't freak out, people say really mean/heartless/rude things sometimes.

I hope you can work it out. He sounds really angry and passive agressive. Is he in therapy by himself?

 

[NewDirections]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior So OP, are you saying that when you met you didn't know he was a porn user?He told me that he used to read an adult magazine for the "articles" but that it was not important to him and he was fine with never looking at it again. To my knowledge, it was not online at that point and never any videos. Because I can get the anger if that is the case. I hate deceit and lies. So for me it wouldn't even be about the porn it would be about feeling like I didn't even know the person anymore. I keep thinking, what else has he lied about and how can I trust him again?That's the thing, I think I'm being lied to I'm not a fan of porn and it will never have a place in my home or my bedroom. It's simply not an option, which was known and discussed in crystal clarity when we first got together.I'm not a big fan either. Many times I think of how many women in the industry are survivors of sexual abuse and it really makes me feel sad. We did have a period where he was secretly using internet pornography and I was disgusted and offended. Our sex life suffered because of his selfishness (so much easier than actual sex) and for lying about it. At the time I thought it was all about me, how I looked and how I didn't measure up which drove him to the porn, but it wasn't the case- the porn lessened his desire for real sex, and probably to some extent deadened my attractiveness in his eyes- afterall most of the porn out there is plastic and just absolutely raunchy unrealistic stuff actual women cannot begin to compete with. Unless both partners are cool with it, porn can be really destructive It took years to rebuild the trust and it also took a while for him to disentangle himself from the addictive nature of porn. Everyone it seems is so casual and haha, big deal, but the truth is pornography use can ruin intimacy and sexual closeness between partners, and it can be extremely destructive.ITA I don't think it's appropriate to tell OP that it's not a big deal, or that it's normal (who decided that for everyone?) when she clearly finds it upsetting and hurtful. Lying is never ok, and I think you really need to have a frank and baldly honest talk with your husband, he may be in over his head. He might not be able to stop, or even worse he just might feel completely different than you about porn and not even want to stop. You have to figure out where he's coming from. I hope he can muster up the b*lls to tell you the truth so you can move on and heal your sex life.(

How will I know when he's being honest now?

 

[NewDirections]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior Don't freak out, people say really mean/heartless/rude things sometimes. If you're young especially. I hope you can work it out. He sounds really angry and passive agressive. Is he in therapy by himself?

Here's the thing, we're not young- he's 38, I'm 33. He did seem really angry and passive aggressive. He reminded me of an animal backed into a corner, like he's being really vicious because he's scared.

We're in couples counseling and both in individual counseling. We started to go to couples counseling because he stopped wanting to be intimate. He totally lost his sex drive. For months, he'd have sex with me occasionally when needed cause we were ttc but he didn't want to return the favor to me (

if you know what I mean) like he did in the past. He just wouldn't do anything to me because he was "uncomfortable". He's slowly getting back into the swing of things in that department, but our intimate life is nowhere near where I'd like it to be. What makes me feel so sad is that earlier in our relationship our intimate life was so wonderful. Where did that go?

I called our counselor to see if we can extend our session that is on Sunday. I don't think one hour can cover this.

 

[2cutiekitties]

been there, also responding without reading all the pp.

my experience was that he wasnt comfortable telling me what he wanted in the bedroom and he wanted me to initiate it every time because that made him feel wanted. When we got to a point where he got what he wanted he stopped caring about the whole internet thing.

Anyhoo, the whole thing is about a lie and trust, not the porn itself, in my case. He needs to be brutually honest with you or you wont get anywhere.

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[nycmom18]

i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. he totally lied and i just gave him the guilt trip and cold shoulder until he finally admitted it. i think it is a guys first reaction to lie and cover up and i think they then dont tell the truth because theyre scared or something.

i also think there might be some truth to your dh not feeling secure or something along those lines and then trying to feel good about himself through porn. it seems weird, yet i kind of get it...

and lastly

i think when we say that it really hurts us and we can not deal with such behaviors-that they dont take us 100% serious. because after this happened the 1st time it happened again with me! same person! anyway, in the end i thik it al stopped. there were months when i kept looking at the history and then i finally got to a point where i started to blindly have trust and eventually i gained actual trust. only through time though.

so dont give up if this is where you want to be and who you want to be with. most things heal in time. every marriage has some low valleys

 

[NewDirections]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycmom18 i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. he totally lied and i just gave him the guilt trip and cold shoulder until he finally admitted it. i think it is a guys first reaction to lie and cover up and i think they then dont tell the truth because theyre scared or something. i also think there might be some truth to your dh not feeling secure or something along those lines and then trying to feel good about himself through porn. it seems weird, yet i kind of get it... and lastly i think when we say that it really hurts us and we can not deal with such behaviors-that they dont take us 100% serious. because after this happened the 1st time it happened again with me! same person! anyway, in the end i thik it al stopped. there were months when i kept looking at the history and then i finally got to a point where i started to blindly have trust and eventually i gained actual trust. only through time though. so dont give up if this is where you want to be and who you want to be with. most things heal in time. every marriage has some low valleys

Your kind response means so much to me

 

[HisBeautifulWife]

Op, I'm sorry that you all had a fight.

A woman has every right to be upset at her husband looking at other women naked. It can be very hurtful and it can destroy trust among other things. That doesn't make you uptight or a prude.

I do not believe that men are sex crazed creatures with no self control who cannot possibly go without looking at pornographic materials so I tend to skip over anything that would imply that.

I don't know if you are upset about the action, or upset that he lied about it, but whatever the case is if you are both committed to the marriage then you can come to a resolution.

People get angry when they feel on the defense but you guys can sit and have an open discussion about how you both feel on the issue and what steps need to be taken so that your marriage isn't damaged.

Sometimes computer filters and accountability software are good things. It doesn't mean you are spying but sometimes people need a little extra help being accountable for their actions.

 

[Devaskyla]

Quote:

I also realized that this url wouldn't have come up if he hadn't typed in the address himself.

Depends on the browser. With firefox at least, & maybe others, you judt have to go to a site for it to be there when you type urls in. I almost never type them, but every site I've gone to for the last 3 months wll auto complete if i start typing