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Hi All - I could use some advice about what to do with my husband who is convinced my ASD son isn't. I'm having a hard time moving to the acceptance stage myself as a result. My son is 3 and I'd suspected ASD since he was an infant, and he was in EI at 14 months. He's really a happy and great kid - just never developed language, pointing, pretend play, etc. He likes people a lot. I think because of this everyone had told us for the longest time that he wasn't ASD. Even our first SLP who had a spectrum daughter said that I "wanted" my son to be autistic. My in-laws are also convinced of the same, that he's just developing late because he's a boy (like he's behind his girl cousin a year and a half younger? really? aggh!) At any rate, if we had a dime for every time we were told he wasn't autistic we'd probably have enough money to pay for therapy!<br><br>
He also had an eval about a year ago (CARS and ADOS administered) that determined him to be just below the spectrum cutoff so she said no to ASD. But now that he's older it's become quite obvious that he is, and he's received a "provisional" ASD diagnosis by the developmental ped and the school dx'd him with high functioning autism. All of his therapists (two speech, OT, ABA therapist) accept the ASD diagnosis and no longer argue it as they once did. I've done a considerable amount of research myself about what types of behaviors could result from ASD vs. just speech delay vs. just SPD, etc. and I firmly believe he has ASD (albeit mild and high functioning).<br><br>
But, as I said - hubby doesn't because we've been told so many times that he doesn't. He won't talk to me about it and gets mad at me that I believe he does. I really need his support because I want to implement a combo ABA/Floortime program but he doesn't take the need to do therapy with him seriously (I work outside the home full time and my husband works full time at home - our nanny doesn't implement the programs because my husband is directing her not to). I also just feel like this is hindering my ability to get to the "acceptance" stage. I'm afraid to talk to mutual friends about it - I talked to a teacher friend of his about special education stuff and he got angry with me for bringing it up with him. I think if he read up on it a bit more to understand more of what autism is he'd agree too but he just thinks I obsess too much about it and that he won't do the same. AGGGH!!<br>
Thanks in advance letting me vent!
 

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Denial is a powerful thing.<br><br>
I think that perhaps some couples therapy might be in order. If you are helping your son with therapies etc.. and your DH is actively working against that (telling the nanny not to work on things with him) than that is a big deal, IMHO.<br><br>
I gave my DH a lot of space to deal with DS's Ds. At times he was in denial, and at other times he was ridiculously fearful and down about the future. But while working through his own stuff he never got in the way of helping his son to grow and learn.<br><br>
I'm sending you some extra hugs.
 

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We've had issues like that in the past, too. Something that helped was seeing our son with other children--he could really see that he was not like other kids.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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It sounds like he just isn't going to *see* it right now.<br>
But with time.....you know he will.....and he can kind of 'ease into it' mentally.<br>
It would be great for him to be on the same page as you right now, but it'll take alot of anguish & strife to get there quickly.<br><br>
For now - to get his support - maybe you could reframe it as "Ok honey, ds is who he is. Whatever his issues, can we just meet his needs right now, as they are presenting, regardless of anything 'diagnosable' he may or may not have. Neither one of us knows just what he'll be like in 5 years, but lets view it as 'coaching' him in areas/skills that aren't coming natural to him."<br><br>
Maybe if he can see the ABA/floor time and other therapies as 'coaching him along' instead of 'treatments' for an ASD DX....maybe he can relax enough to really start *seeing* your ds - differences and all. And then take an active roll in 'coaching' him in life....in areas that just come natural to NT kids...eventually, really *accept* it all - celebrate in his uniquness & his every new achievement.<br><br>
Hope that might help a little. Its just how things have evolved with my DH. With some issues with my kiddos, I tended to keep everything all internal, and not really talk through much with him, until I had really processed & accepted everything for a good long while <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AbbieB</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15358075"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think that perhaps some couples therapy might be in order. If you are helping your son with therapies etc.. and your DH is actively working against that (telling the nanny not to work on things with him) than that is a big deal, IMHO.</div>
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yes, what's happening in your marriage is very, very serious.<br><br>
My Dh has a super hard time with this as well. For the most part, he stay out of what is going on and minimizes things. Once in a blue moon he tells me that I'm doing a great job with DD and that he really appreciates "all the appointments and stuff." Then he goes back into pretending that everything is OK. Marriage counseling helped us find a middle ground we can both live with. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I think you've gotten some good advice, having your DH see DS with other kids, and I gotta agree with the others--standing in the way of therapy is pretty hardcore. My DH was apprehensive for a while, insisting to EI teachers that DS doesn't have Autism, mostly because he assumed dr's would want to prescribe mood altering drug, but now he applauds me with getting the SLT/OT/preschool help DS needs. I can see why this would hinder your right to the Acceptance stage. GL to your family (and get your child the help he needs!)
 

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Maybe this book would help <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FNot-My-Boy-Familys-Journey%2Fdp%2F1400115302" target="_blank">Not My Boy</a>.</i>
 
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