DH, inlaws, and grandparent visits

My advice, honestly, is to let it go. Allow your dh's parents to have as much of a relationship as they want with your dc, let them know that you are always willing to see them, and then the ball is in their court. Some people just don't go gaga over the grandparent role. It doesn't mean they don't love your dc.

I think it gets very destructive when we try to force people to have the relationships with others that WE think they should have.

As an example: I have what most people would call a good relationship with my own mom. I speak to her on the phone a couple of times a week (and she speaks with dd), we see her around every six weeks, despite living in cities far apart, we send gifts on birthdays and call on mother's day, and so forth. During visits, we almost always have a good time. But this still isn't the relationship my mom WANTS with me or my dd. My family (me, dh, dd) is pretty independent, and we don't come to her with serious problems or ask for parenting advice, etc. She's resentful that I moved to a different city, even though we're not that far away and even though it was clearly the best choice for my family and dh's and my career. She wants her kids to be dependent on her. The result of all this is that, rather than enjoying the (really perfectly good) relationship that she DOES have with me, she is constantly disappointed that things don't live up to her fantasy--and that, in turn, takes a big toll on our relationship.

So the moral to this very long story is: enjoy what you have and find peace with it.

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Thank you. On one hand, this makes sense to me, and it is what I have done, basically. I haven't really addressed the issue with them, except for one time when I was very clear about it. Other than that, I let it go and don't bring it up with them.

And they keep doing what they have been doing, and that is visiting very infrequently.

For what it's worth, they do go gaga over the grandparent role with their other set of grandchildren (DH's brother's children), which I think is sweet and nice, but I don't like that our child is left out and overlooked much of the time.

I don't understand the discrepancy, and neither does DH.

If they treated the other set of grandkids the same way, and were absent or uninvolved grandparents, it would be understandable and not worth pursuing.

It's the discrepancy that saddens me for my child's sake, I guess. It doesn't make sense. Oh, well.

I'm sure they love the grandchildren equally, but they end up spending a lot more time with the other set every single year.

I am a lay-the-cards-on-the-table kind of gal, but I would lay it out for them. Tell them that you see them favoring the other grandkids by investing lots of time and energy in seeing them and barely spending hours with your kids. Tell them your feelings and your husband's feelings are hurt by this and that you don't want your children to grow up and start realizing (and they will trust me, I have been your kids in a grandparent relationship) that they are not favored grandchildren. Offer a sit down to discuss it or simply stop trying.

My inlaws never seemed to appreciate all the pictures, cute notes, and updates I sent. Never thanked me once. So I just stopped and they never commented on it. They only have one other (grown) grandchild and so they could have more of a relationship with my kids if they chose, but they don't. They try to make up for it in three day visits twice a year where they want to do a blitz of stuff. Which makes me nuts. They could call weekly, or exchange emails or do all sorts of things to get to know the kids but that would take work they just don't seem to be willing to put in. I have let it go. Twice a year I put up with them and they move on and the kids hardly ever mention them. Fortunately the other grandmother (my mother) moved here when they were born and sees them and does things with them and for us all the time. They have a very close bond!

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I honestly don't think so. They definitely don't have more in common. Get along better? No, not really. We've had our issues, and they've had theirs, like all people do, over the years.

DH has a pretty good relationship with his parents, but then again, he doesn't tell them when something bothers him.

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Thank you.

This is how I feel, really, on the most basic level.

It's not that we don't get along, or anything like that, but even if that were the case, that shouldn't matter when it comes to the kids, you know?

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I totally relate to what you are saying.



In our case, the other set of grandchildren are the same ages, and the grandparents see them much more frequently and for longer amounts of time, even though they live much further away.

I guess if the grandparents had limited or no interest in all the grandchildren, it would be easily to understand. But to have what appears to be a lot of interest in one set of grandkids and hardly any in the other set, it just makes you wonder why. I don't think interest or frequency of visits = love. I am pretty sure they love everyone equally.

And, it's kind of sad, but to me, given their infrequent visits, three day visits two times per year where they cram in a bunch of stuff sounds like it would be a good start.

We're lucky to have a few hours visit twice a year.

It's ridiculous.

Again, they have the time, energy, resoures to visit more often and apparently the interest in kids since they spend weeks at a time several times a year with their other grandchildren, who are the same age.

I think you just need to let it go. And I'm not saying that academically, because I've had a similar experience.

My MIL died about a year ago. But before that, she had a VERY strong preference for her other grandchild. She was quite put out if we asked her to babysit for our kids once a month, and yet babysat her other grandchild once a week. We invited the ILs over frequently, but they just weren't that interested in coming over. At first, it hurt. But then I realized that she was much closer to her daughter (my SIL) than she was to her son (my DH). Although she was always polite to my face, I know that she didn't think very highly of me. And so that translated into less time spent with my kids.

You know what though? My kids didn't have a super close relationship with their grandma, but it was okay. They saw her often enough, and the time that they did spend together was positive. And that was good enough. For whatever reason, MIL didn't want to spend a lot of time with my kids, and I'm not going to fault her for that. It was up to MIL to live a life that would make her happy.

You being upset about it isn't going to improve the situation, especially if your DH doesn't want to address the issue. Live and let live, ya know?

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Yes! You probably hit the nail on the head, so to speak. They fly to visit the other set of grandchildren, and spend a week with them several times per year so it adds up to like 4 weeks each year.

They come to see us maybe 2 or 3 times a year, for a couple of hours at a time. So it adds up to less than a full day each year.

If it were reversed, and we lived far away and they had to fly, I think the situation would be entirely different. DH is convinced they would visit more often if we lived further away. Weird, right?

When they are home, they don't like to travel much and they expect us to visit them even though we both work and have a small child and they are both retired and have no small child to travel with.

But, yeah, we could visit them all we wanted, if we wanted.

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This makes me so sad.

I'm going to do the best I can to make sure my child never feels left out, or overlooked, or notices the grandparents visit the other grandchildren more.

Also, I plan to compensate for the missing bond with the grandparents with a very strong bond with parents.

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Thank you for relating this. It is helpful. I am sorry you had that kind of relationship with your MIL, and I'm really sorry to hear that your kids were treated differently.

In our case, it's two brothers (DH and his brother) who have these parents who are grandparents to my child.

I've heard other people say sometimes it's a totally different dynamic with grandparents if it's a son or a daughter with children (weird that is the case, but I've heard it enough to think there is truth to it...).

In our case, though, it's two brothers and the relationship is not better between one brother, or the other, and the grandparents. It's the same, basically.

And I'm one of the daughters-in-law and my relationship with the inlaws is about the same as the other daughter-in-law. In fact, I might have more in common with my MIL, but the relationship is still pretty much the same, I would say.

Even so, I don't think it should matter. I mean, if they had a terrific relationship with us and then didn't see the other grandchildren very often, I'd think that was wrong, too, and I'd probably say something about it.

I don't think the relationship with the parents should impact how they treat the kids, or how often they visit the kids.

In our case, it's a pretty decent relationship so I don't think that's the cause.



I guess I need to work on letting it go, but I doubt I'll ever think it's ok because really it's just not ok.

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Oh, I definitely think we want to hear the answers, whatever they are. We're kind of lay-it-on-the-table people, too, like someone else said earlier. I would want to know, no matter what, if it's something that will impact the relationship they have with our child. I mean, geez, what if it's something that could be fixed?

No, I can't force them. And they are making all these decisions.

I brought it up with them some months ago and clearly stated how I felt and what I saw that was going on. They basically responded that they love their grandchildren, children, and inlaws equally.

But they did acknowledge they visit us way more infrequently, but they didn't really say why. Maybe there isn't a reason.

They did say they would try to visit more often, but they have not.

In fact, they came up for a visit and left first thing in the morning, as they always have, so nothing changed.

We were quite surprised, especially after they said they would stay longer, and especially after we brought up their infrequent visits and they said they would try.

What am I hoping to accomplish? More frequent visits.

You're right - it isn't ok. It is unfair and hurtful to your child if he ever figures out the discrepancy. I don't know what is wrong with some people...

I'm thinking back to my own childhood and how we saw both sets of grandparents - one who lived 15 minutes away and another who were two states and a plane ride (or very long car ride) away. Of course we saw the close ones all the time, and the far ones once or twice per year - but it was almost always us going to see them. They did come out once or twice but that was it. My mom was the one who moved away, and it fell to her and my dad to get us back there I guess. But also, us going there meant we saw grandparents, all the aunts/uncles/cousins. Flying or driving that many people to us was a bit cost prohibitive.

I think they (your ILs) just aren't going to be what you want them to be for your child. I agree with you, and it is sad. I'd be really upset too. When someone hurts us, that is one thing - but to slight our child is really hard to accept.

Do they ever invite you to go see them at their house? Do you? How does that go?

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Thanks! That is exactly how I feel, actually.

The ironic part is they have a set of grandchildren who live quite far a way (several states away). They travel by plane all the time to visit them. They spend at least 4 weeks there every year. They go for a week at a time, several times per year.

And I think that's great. I think they should keep doing that, but add in some visits to us, as well.

I think the great thing about spending a week at a time with young children is that they can really bond and play together. The other grandchildren (also young kids and about the same age) know their grandparents and are comfortable with them.

If you visit only for a few hours maybe twice per year, young children do not remember you and they are not comfortable with you enough to really bond and play.

Yes, we could go and visit them as often as we liked (or could afford to, I guess, in terms of time and travel costs). The visits go fine. There's never really a problem.

So, that is why I just don't understand the infrequency. They visit the other grandkids all the time, for long periods of time, and by all accounts they seem interested and active as grandparents. And those kids are the same age.



Why can't they add in a few more visits, but to us?

That sucks OP and I am sorry. My DD has 4 sets of grandparents (both sets of parents are divorced). When DD was 14 months old, we moved 3-4 hours away from all of them (and all of our other extended family as well). It is amazing to see the differences in grandparenting between all of them now that visiting is not convienent.

MIL and SFIL come visit all the time, even though MIL has to work at least 2 Saturdays a month. They take days off from work, come down after work on Saturday and then leave at like 4 am Monday morning and drive straight to work. MIL would love to retire so she could come down here and spend more time with DD. We also vacation with them at least once a year. We stay at their house when all 4 of us drive back home. We see them about once a month. DD loves them, we love them, it is wonderful.

FIL and SMIL live the closest, 2.5 hours away. They also have a summer home that they go to from May - October. They complain that they never get to see DD, never get to do "special" things with her, etc. Yet they are gone 5 months of the year, we were never invited to their summer home last year (we have been this year and are going once, it is 9 hour drive away) and they never called us once to come visit them when they were back in their home state last summer for visits (usually they come back home from their summer house once or twice a month). They also get upset when they call and ask to do something that weekend and we have plans already. They are semi-retired as well so they should have the most flexible schedules but it never seems to work out that way. They come down for a few hours long visit every other month or so during the winter months. They never spend the night.

My Dad has only come to visit us 3 times in the 2 years we have been here, but he is in poor health (in and out of the hospital) and has two dogs to care for at home so I cut him a break.

My Mom works for a school district and has the summers off. She also hardly ever visits. She is off work this week and never mentioned coming down to see DD. She was supposed to come visit in February during her vacation then, but canceled last minute with a lame excuse. She hasn't been down here since November. She usually comes once during her 8 week summer vacation for maybe 4 days. She also makes her visits the most convienent for her and the least convienent for us. She won't drive here, she only takes the train - we have to make a 1.5 round trip to go pick her up. She won't take a train in the evening after she gets done with work (at 4 pm) because it is too late, she won't take a train early in the morning because she doesn't like to get up early, so she generally rolls in at 1 or 2 pm. Then she always wants to leave early to go home as well because she doesn't like it when the train is busy with commuters. So if she comes for a 4 day weekend, she won't get here until 2 pm on a Thursday and then we have to leave the house by 11 am on Sunday to get her back to the train. Annoying. We still see her every 6 weeks - 8 weeks or so, but all I hear every time we go there is "I haven't seen you in so long, I miss you so much, etc, etc." Umm well then, get in your car and drive your butt down here to see her!

When we go back home, we rarely get to spend a lot of time with any one group of people since they all expect us to visit them all whenever we come visit. For instance this weekend, Easter, we left home Sat morning, had lunch and spent the afternoon at FIL and SMILs house, drove to MIL and SFILs house, went out to dinner with MIL, SFIL and my dad and his side of the family, spent the night at MIL and SFILs house, had breakfast with them the next morning and then drove to see my Mom's side of the family and had Easter dinner with them and then drove back home. We were gone about 36 hours, spent 8 of them sleeping and 10 of them driving!
I do take DD by myself for a week at a time to spend more time with them all usually at least 3 times over the summer.