[StarMama]

First, I just have to say

Ok, now to the details. Dh has spoken to a few people lately who are pro-CIO. From his mom, to his boss, to a customer who just got their 12 month old to sleep through the night after 3 nights of CIO (first night 5 hours straight of crying, next night 3 hours, not sure 3rd night). So now he *really* wants to let ds CIO. REALLY wants to. To the point of when I've handed ds off to him exhausted when ds was freaking out at 4am llast (sunday) night (we've both got some bug) Dh was trying to just let him CIO in the living room and was even coming in to get the playpen (in our room so ds can occasionally play in there while I try to get a few winks of sleep sometimes. Our bedroom is impossible to babyproof).

We have had many discussions about this and about how I feel about it. But he's got this bug in his brain now, and won't let it go. Says that Orion is being damaged by not sleeping through the night (which is baloney! This child is happy and thriving!). And that its affecting me (well yes, it is, but Dh being a slob affects me FAR more, and Dh isn't doing anything about that). That is won't hurt ds. He says "what if he *never* learns to sleep through the night?!" (even when I say, oh you think he'll still be nursing to sleep at 20?) I've already said I'm not going to start trying for #2 until ds sleeps through the night. No biggie, we aren't finacially situated to have another child (I'm going back to school to do in home daycare and will NOT be working when I have a newborn and Orion at the same time). But Dh uses this as an arguement as well. And the people who have told him to CIO *have* listened to professionals, he says. Dr. Phil.

I gave him the NCSS to read, and he "doesn't have the time". I would *love* if ds slept through the night, but am unwilling to use CIO to get there.

Arg! Anyways, this is the really short version. Any help? I find articles about not letting *babies* CIO, what about toddlers?

 

[mama24-7]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going thru this. It took my dh until after my dd was 15 m.o. to give up on CIO. Now he can't imagine letting her cry for this reason.

Have you tried having your dh hang out w/ other people w/ children who aren't left to cry? What turned things around for dh & I was going to an LLL conference. There may be an LLL group in your area who have mtgs or get togethers w/ fathers too.

My dh is too busy to read to (you know us SAHM's have all the time in the world!). He has learned by example.

You could try asking him if he would let an elderly parent cry? Why are they any different. What does he think they did hundreds of years ago, when they're weren't all the "experts" out there to tell you what you "should" do w/ your children and how it won't hurt them.

I hope this works out for you. The truth of the matter for me was that I would have gotten a divorce before I let her CIO in my presence. THis isn't a really good solution, but I would have gone crazy letting her cry w/o me.

CIO is crazy. STick to your guns; your dc will thank you for it. Good luck. HTH.
Sus

 

[Marianna]

Hi Lisa,
An article was just posted on another website that I regularily visit. The article is written by an Australian Institute on Infant Mental Health an discusses the effects of control crying on infants.. I hope that it is helpful. It contains alot of information that seems to answer some of your husband's worries and also provides links on how to develop better and more child friendlt strategies on getting more sleep.
Tke Care,
Marianna

Here is a link to the discussion containing the article
http://www.forums.naturalparenting.c...ead.php?t=4505

 

[StarMama]

Thanks both of you

Well I've tried both the "what if you were crying?" and "what if an elderly person was crying for help?" and both time he has said "Well I guess I/they would learn." Arg! He just seems so freaking insensitive and uncaring sometimes!

Well I printed out a stack o' articles for him (not that austalian one, because Dh would FREAK at the though of this potientally lasting 5 years!), and now he says he agrees its bad, but what about what its doing to me? What if sleep deprivation is having a lifelong impact on me? (Really I think he's reaching here) He says "you can find articles to back up ANYTHING". Arg! And that we have to do *something* to get him to sleep. Well uh, honey, if there was something to DO that was kind and gentle to our child, do you not think I would have done it by now?!

and mama24-7 he is SUCH a loner. He will hang out with his buddies, but mine, no way. He just sits in a corner. I've tried.

At least now with the articles he doesn't think I'm a crackpot mama who just doesn't want to hear her baby cry (but really, if that was the *only* reason, why wouldn't it be good enough??).

I'm just very fearful of when the time comes that "everyone" says ds shouldn't be breastfeeding, or when ds misbehaves multiple times (which all children are going to do), and Dh talks to so-and-so who says spanking is the answer. I really cringe. Really. I don't want every major step in our parenting to be a fight. I don't want to not be able to trust my own husband to watch his child, fearful of dh spanking him!

 

[mama24-7]

I just remembered when my dh said "we have to teach her to sleep!" I said, "yes, let's get down on the floor and teach her to crawl!" Same thing!

I expect that as your dc grows, and knows that you will take care of him, that he won't be too difficult to deal with. Your dh will see that all your hard work has produced a child who doens't have multiple tantrums, and is developing as he should.

I'd recommend reading "How to Talk So Kids WIll Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk." It is a very good book that I think can also be used to communicating w/ adults. I also count to 3 when she is doing somethng that she needs to stop quickly, like playing w/ somethng she isn't supposed to have and count to 10 to let her know that we're stopping what we're doing or she needs to stop doing something but it isn't something that's dangerous or has to be right away. I use 10 when it's something that if I weren't a control freak, she'd probably be able to continue doing or when I need to take the dog out and she needs to get her shoes. All this stuff doesn't work perfectly every time, but I believe it's really helped. She knows what to expect and that's half the battle most of the time.

And my dh wouldn't really choose to hang out w/ other AP'ers, I just sort of say we're going. He'd lovet o stay w/in his 4 walls all the time! Are we married to the same man?

HTH. Good luck, again.
Susanne

 

[stafl]

There are tons of articles posted in the sticky at the top of this forum. Try reading some of those, and printing the more convincing ones out for your DH.

 

[StarMama]

Ah nice anology with the crawling!! Yeah I could just drag him somewhere but I don't think he'd get much from it, since he'd just kinda sit in the corner, yk?

I tried to reassure him last night that as Orion gets older we will reassess things. Not that the reassessment will be to let him CIO, but there is a *big* difference between letting a 15 month old cry frantically than having a 3 year old whine about not wanting to go to bed, yk? I hope my assumption that this will be more doable when he can *understand* what I'm saying is true! I've heard so much about nightweaning and teling the kiddo nursies are sleeping, ect, I just hope it would work for us (when in fact I do *not* want to nightwean him, because going to sleep and when he's sleeping is the ONLY time he will nurse anymore!).

Hi Stacy!

I did print out quite a few of those articles for him, that's what got him to grudgingly, agree that CIO is bad. However, he would still do it, if I let him. Because "anyone can find articles to back up anything" and "what about the long term damage sleep deprivation is doing to you?". Yes, my patience isn't as great, and yes my memory is a little screwy now, but I find it *really* interesting that Dh is willing to sacrifice the well being of our child for *me* (supposedly) when I've been going CRAZY because Dh won't help out around the house, won't pick up a single item he leaves out of place, and is a HUGE slob. Really. We fight about it all the time. I'm *SO* stressed about it. I know this is nightwaking, I'm sorry for going OT, but I don't get why he's so gung-ho about CIO because of how it would benefit *me*, but he's not even slightly interested in doing, oh maybe 30-60 minutes of cleaning a day to GREATLY benefit me.

I really want us to go to a couples' councilor, but I think most councilors would *agree* with Dh about the CIO, and make it harder on me (that and even the low cost ones would run us a few hundred a month, and our stinking insurance, costing us $350 a month doesn't have couples' counciling! Arg!!)

Alright, sorry, we can go back on track now! LOL!

 

[Trishy]

Lisa I missed seeing you around. I knew your MIL had something to do with it when I read the title. Stick to your guns, Orion has a great mama.

 

[StarMama]

lol Trish! Nice to see you too!

You know how it is, life gets busy sometimes (chasing around a toddler leaves less computer time than when he was nursing 24-7! :LOL )

Well MIL has been saying to let him cry since he was about 6 months old... and while she *certainly* had something to do with it (getting the idea into Dh's head over and over again) I think the BIG thing was a customer of Dh's telling him about getting their year+ old to sleep through the night with 3 nights of CIO. That REALLY got Dh into the idea. You know, thinking "hey, we could do that!" when even if it worked with *just*

3 nights, it would be horrible, I VERY much so doubt it would work with Orion. He is a VERY determined child. And is VERY vocal about not getting his way (I didn't know temper tantrums could start before a child learned to WALK!

). And he's also had over a year to learn that his mama is attentive to his needs. No way would he give up wailing for me!

I think the biggest problems with Orion's sleep is that 1) He resists a schedule no matter what, and 2) He likes to recently, again, get up and play at night. We were doing decently getting him to sleep and up at a halfway decent schedule, until we got sick. I just had to *make* myself get up and get him up. If I let him sleep as long as he wants, everything is thrown off. And I think the play thing is wearing off, just a side effect of being ill (and keeping lights low, and not being entertaining didn't work, he would just cry SO hard). Really, I think I manage pretty well when he will go to bed with me at a normal time, and get up at a normal time (because now I have morning obligations I HAVE to attend to), regardless of the wakings, if he will go back to bed. But its those nights he's still playing at 3am, or didn't go to bed until midnight and then is up at 4am to play that I freak out and have to hand him off to Daddy because all I can think is "how am I gonna function tommorow?!?!?!?!".

So I'm *really* hoping to get back on track now that the bug we've got is passing. I just have to "go around the clock" again to get him to bed at normal hours (I shoot for going to bed by 10-11pm and up by 8-9am, or if things have been *horrible* that night sleep wise, and its the weekend, 10am)

 

[ZappaDaddy]

Some of the things you are concerned about may actually the way your DH was raised. Have you explored how he was raised.

I was raised in a really abusive methodology that was generally accepted when I was a child.

I had alot of issues as a young man.

I realized that I was disfunctional. I had to change.

What I hope is that my child wont have the baggage I carry.

If he sees that in fact that he will raise a more powerful child less prone to being afraid, more open and less a loner, he may be more receptive.

Parenting takes two, work gently with him. The best way to succeed with this is to educate before the event. Do not create an adversarial argumentative atmosphere to try to accomplish your goals. Get way out in front of the event that has you concerned. Develop a collaborative child-rearing event. Even if you know what you want.

It doesn't sound like cute arguments or low level psychological manipulation are going to work. So be creative and win him over.

I have friends like this. they can't believe that I am that involved in my kids.

But I am much bigger and smarter than them and would squash them like a bug if they said anything against what I do. Also with AP parents you will find that we are much more infomred than the other crowd.

I hope some of this will add value.