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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I kind of don't know what to think about this. I love that he is enjoying our ds more (it was touch and go for the first year of ds' life) and he is able to get him to nap and everything, so that's great.<br><br>
HOWEVER, he doesn't do housework, cook the meals, or run errands. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> He doesn't really even half-heartedly try to do these things. I don't make enough $$ for him to keep staying home, and I know he has to go to work soon. He makes a few phone calls every day to inquire about jobs and that's the extent of it.<br><br>
I don't want to get into a huge fight with him...but I wonder why I was expected to cook the meals and do the laundry when I was a SAHM, and he isn't? I didn't do a great job as a housewife because ds is pretty HN, and taking care of him is definitely full-time...however, dh doesn't exactly parent the same way I do. He has lots of time to be on the computer and talk on the phone. He DOES give lots and lots of time and energy to ds so I can't complain there. He also has a car at his disposal which I never had when I stayed at home-so he can take ds lots of places.<br><br>
Also when I SAH, I managed dinner around 3 out of 5 days of the week...and managed to at least do the towels and underwear daily, with most of the laundry being done by me on the weekend. So far, we've been out every night (can't afford that!) and I did all my laundry.<br><br>
I need a respectful approach that is going to get some results. I'm not interested in telling him he'd better get a job or else, and I'm not interested in whining about it...I just need him to step it up a little (without saying that directly). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I'm sure I'm going to be in the minority in this but here goes:<br><br>
If he is taking care of DS AND looking for jobs (read this is a full time <i>job</i> in itself) then I would start letting go of certain expecatations now...<br><br>
Your son is 3 right?<br><br>
My DH (WAHD) takes care of DS during the day and has been since birth...<br><br>
We fought when I came home to a kitchen full of dishes but I look at how well DS is thriving and how close he is to DH and my anger is subdued.<br><br>
I also feel less anger when he gets paid which is every week. He HAS admitted to me he there is no way he can cook, clean, wipe up spilled milk, wipe DS's butt, make calls to clients, make DS's lunch AND bring home good money to build our savings.<br><br>
He says "honey, I am simply not cut out to do ALL the above, so something's gotta give" His income is rising so we are talking about hiring out help.<br><br>
But he says I gotta let one (he needs to work AND care of busy 3 year old) or the other (expect the dirty dishes and cluttered living room when I get home) go.
 

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Quite frankly, in our house, the parent who's home with the kid isn't expected to do anything else. Yeah, I'm more likely to be able to clean the house or do shopping when home than he is. But he's more engaged with playing with our daughter, which is invaluable.<br><br>
I think caring for a kid all by yourself is a full time job, and he shouldn't necessarily be expected to manage anything else.<br><br>
Julia
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I understand, but I was expected to do it...or it didn't get done. Or, maybe more accurately, it wasn't him expecting me to do the chores, but me unable to live in the same house with a bunch of dishes, piles of dirty laundry, and never having a home-cooked meal. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I do agree that he cannot multi-task nearly as well as I can. Ds is his #1 priority, of course...it's just that when DH tells me how much he is enjoying this...I start thinking, "well of course! I'm still the maid cooking the dinner and doing all the laundry on the weekends PLUS working full-time!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>newmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7280991"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My DH (WAHD) takes care of DS during the day and has been since birth...<br><br>
We fought when I came home to a kitchen full of dishes but I look at how well DS is thriving and how close he is to DH and my anger is subdued.<br><br>
I also feel less anger when he gets paid which is every week. He HAS admitted to me he there is no way he can cook, clean, wipe up spilled milk, wipe DS's butt, make calls to clients, make DS's lunch AND bring home good money to build our savings.<br><br>
He says "honey, I am simply not cut out to do ALL the above, so something's gotta give"</div>
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Your husband is really amazing actually to be able to care for your son and earn good money! You can tell him I said so! That sounds so hard to accomplish, especially making calls and staying organized while being solely responsible for child care.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Quite frankly, in our house, the parent who's home with the kid isn't expected to do anything else</td>
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Opposite in my house, I would rather DH play with the kids when he gets home rather than do housework (he was already gone all day)
 

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I would just let it slide,but casually mention that you could use some clean undies once in a while. Both my dh and I stay at home and thank the heavens that neither one of us complains about a dirty kitchen,or piled up laundry. I'm also thankful that if things need to be done my dh doesnt suffer from dislaundria or kitchaphobia lol I would rather spend time hanging out as a family. Now dont get me wrong,we don't get to the point where the health dept needs to be called in,we both just do what needs to be done,but there's no pressure.
 

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Like with a SAHM, I don't believe that the SAHP should have to do EVERYTHING in the house. But, I don't think it is right to be at home and do nothing, while the WOHP has to do it all. That is not fair at all.
 

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I dont think it is unfair to expect the SAHP to throw some clothes in the wash and soak some dishes in the sink. I dont think it's unfair to expect them to take a few seconds after using the toilet to scrub it and the sink to help them look nice. I do think it is unfair to expect the person working out of the home to get home and rush around trying to clean things instead of taking the time to play with the kids. In my house, my ideal ratio is SAHP 80%, WOHP 20% weekly housework, and on weekends the housework is divided equeally 50/50. However, in reality it's more like me: 98% weekly housework and me 80% weekend housework. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I couldn't stand it. I'm actually surprised to be in the minority here. I guess I <i>am</i> seeing things from my own perspective and I have 5 small children that need me to care for them. So at my house, when I (as the SAHP) don't do the dishes, sweep the floor, vacuum, clean the bathroom, etc, every few <i>hours</i> everything completely falls apart. (OK, the vacuuming only happens once a day) And I also have a couple extremely high-needs children. If your situation happened at my house (which it would if dh stayed home), there is no way I could cope with it. He would just absolutely have to go to work.<br><br>
I think the partner who works absolutely should help with the household chores, but the one who stays home should be responsible for the majority, unless someone is sick or something. Of course, I also have fantasies of having a full time maid.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RacheePoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7280819"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">but I wonder why I was expected to cook the meals and do the laundry when I was a SAHM, and he isn't?</div>
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One of the great mysteries of the universe, lol <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> In a later post, you mentioned that your dh isn't as good at multi-tasking, and from what I understand, that is a biological difference - most men are simply not able to multi-task as well as most women.<br><br>
I could be wrong, but you may be surprised at how much he actually does. My husband was a SAHD, and I was working. DH decided to go off and be a long-haul truck driver (the kids went to daycare). I was relieved, because with him and the kids gone all day, the apartment would finally be clean! I could not have been more wrong. It's way worse than ever. In the few hours that we're home, the kids make a full-time mess, but I don't have the time nor the energy to clean it up! I do dishes once a week.<br><br>
Anyway, he may be doing a little bit here and there, and it's hard to notice because there's so much he's not doing. Hopefully you can have a good talk with dh about who is going to do the chores. Maybe you can take ds as soon as you walk in the door, and dh can work really hard for one hour. Or maybe you can both put ds to bed earlier, and both work hard for 30 minutes. I hope you're able to find a good solution <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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First of all I feel your pain. I've been there. Still am PT. One thing that helped us is a list. (motivated moms works great) I found that most of DH's problem was that he didn't know where to start and that a little direction went a long way. I'm not saying I was coming home to a spotless house EVER but more was getting done and on top of that as he got used to doing certain tasks they became part of his routine.<br><br>
As far as dinner, How about a crock pot? Either you can throw everything in, in the am or leave a recipe out for him.<br><br>
I think if he has time to play on the computer he has time to help out more around the house.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Yeah, I'm torn between wanting to make him a list every morning-which he HATES and is probably a little condescending <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> and just saying "screw it! I'll do it myself".<br><br>
FTR I do not rush around cleaning all night after I get home. I spend that time with ds. But just once it sure would be nice to have a hot meal waiting for me. I guess this experiment has been good, since now I can see dh's perspective from all those years I was a SAHM. I don't know if he truly sees my perspective...but there's nothing I can do about that.<br><br>
I think it was MPJJ who said that she thinks the SAHP should be 80/20 of the chore ratio, and in my heart, I agree. Right now I'll take 20/80! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Maybe the problem is my expectations.<br><br>
DH has agreed to clean with me on Saturday mornings for some labor-intensive house cleaning, so maybe that will be enough for now. He is learning to be a great daddy...at the bottom of it, I'm really proud of him. He is more AP than I ever thought possible, and I can see that this time as a SAHD has helped him become moreso.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RacheePoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7281380"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I understand, but I was expected to do it...or it didn't get done. Or, maybe more accurately, <b>it wasn't him expecting me to do the chores, but me unable to live in the same house with a bunch of dishes, piles of dirty laundry, and never having a home-cooked meal.</b> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br></div>
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Here is the root of your problem. You admit it wasn't your husbands expectations, but your own. Now you have placed the expectations that you had for yourself on your husband when they were never expectations he had for you.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RacheePoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7287293"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yeah, I'm torn between wanting to make him a list every morning-which he HATES and is probably a little condescending <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> and just saying "screw it! I'll do it myself".<br><br>
FTR I do not rush around cleaning all night after I get home. I spend that time with ds. But just once it sure would be nice to have a hot meal waiting for me. I guess this experiment has been good, since now I can see dh's perspective from all those years I was a SAHM. I don't know if he truly sees my perspective...but there's nothing I can do about that.<br><br>
I think it was MPJJ who said that she thinks the SAHP should be 80/20 of the chore ratio, and in my heart, I agree. Right now I'll take 20/80! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Maybe the problem is my expectations.<br><br>
DH has agreed to clean with me on Saturday mornings for some labor-intensive house cleaning, so maybe that will be enough for now. He is learning to be a great daddy...at the bottom of it, I'm really proud of him. He is more AP than I ever thought possible, and I can see that this time as a SAHD has helped him become moreso.</div>
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You're right. Lists ARE condescending unless they are lists you've made for yourself.<br><br>
I don't do a lot of housework. We get a load of dishes done and maybe -MAYBE- some laundry during the day. We do the cleaning on the week-end.
 

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Well, I would expect him to do a few things. After all, your child is old enough to know how a house runs. It will be good for your little fellow to see his dad stepping up to help more and that all housework is not women's work. Also, it is completely unfair to you to provide all the money and have to do all the scut work too.<br><br>
I'd have a long talk with dp. Maybe he could take care of a few things during the day to lighten your load in the evening. I agree that a crock pot is a lifesaver. Load that thing most mornings and at least dinner will be taken care of. Your three year old can "help" your hubby with making beds and doing dishes. Laundry, start a load before you head out in the a.m. and call later to remind him to put in the the dryer.<br><br>
If he refuses to do anything for the care and keeping of your home, ask him to be very frugal so you can hire someone to help. It is not fair for you to spend your precious evening time with your son, hip deep in housework and resentment.<br><br>
Good luck, mama.
 

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man, havi i ever bdtd! my dh is *not* a multitasker. he played with ds all day long. period.
 

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I agree with Pynki. You are placing your expectations on your husband. If you want him to do laundry, have you asked him to? Have you thrown a load in the washer on your way out and asked him to throw it in the dryer? Have you gotten together and planned meals for the next few days?<br><br>
My DH is a SAHD. I don't expect him to do anything but parent the kids. That said, he does laundry, sweeps, runs the dishwasher, vacuums and makes dinner almost every night (and cleans up afterward).<br><br>
He does not clean the bathrooms, wash windows, shovel snow or dust. But then, neither do I, usually. LOL. I WAHM so I can throw some laundry in every day, pick up the living room, etc. Having a spotless house is just not a priority for either of us. But we have agreed that it's nice to keep the kitchen in reasonable shape and vacuuming makes the living room look cleaner, even when it's not. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Talk about it together. Don't assume he knows what you want or expect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We have talked about it. He knows. He just *won't* do it. Not if I make lists, not if I have a frank discussion, not if I approach it respectfully, no matter how I ask, because he just doesn't see the need. He comes from a family with very laidback attitudes toward cleanliness (honestly...it's hard not to shudder going through their house; bugs are a way of life) and his standards are quite low. The things I do when I come home are just to maintain my sanity-and overall health.<br><br>
I'm really not all that frustrated...because I know this isn't a long-term thing. We can't make it just on my salary so he'll be going to work soon. When we are both working...we'll probably hire someone to clean rather than fight about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RacheePoo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7289958"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We have talked about it. He knows. He just *won't* do it. Not if I make lists, not if I have a frank discussion, not if I approach it respectfully, no matter how I ask, because he just doesn't see the need. He comes from a family with very laidback attitudes toward cleanliness (honestly...it's hard not to shudder going through their house; bugs are a way of life) and his standards are quite low. The things I do when I come home are just to maintain my sanity-and overall health.<br><br>
I'm really not all that frustrated...because I know this isn't a long-term thing. We can't make it just on my salary so he'll be going to work soon. When we are both working...we'll probably hire someone to clean rather than fight about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:</div>
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I think he is being unfair, especially since he knows it bothers you so much.
 
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