DH is working soooo much....how long can you last?

the first key to this is to value the time that you do have together.

second, as the PP mentioned, it's important for you to create your own life and rhythm for your homelife and your own life. make connections in the community for events that are family-friendly as well as opportunities for your own time with other women. many women find that a child-care coop is a great opportunity to have away-from-kids growth time with other moms (on days when you're not babysitting), or just time away.

third, discuss with your hsuband if there are ways that he can create better life-work balance. find out if there's anything that you can do to help. For example, would it be beneficial for you to move closer to his work? would it be better for him to get up early and leave early so that he can have more time in the evenings with his family? there are many opportunities.

also, definately count your blessings. these things can last a long time. my grandmother managed a home and 6 kids, worked full time, while my grandfather worked overseens for over a year. He was only home for one month (two weeks summer, two weeks winter) the whole year. After that year, he spent 3 months out of town followed by 3 months in town (still working) for many years following that year abroad.

in my own home life, my father worked long hours (80-90 hr work weeks plus commute) for 6 years. our home life was great.

it can work. but, you definitely need support--so create a community for yourself!

This is my life - my husband's career demands long hours, and he's a workaholic anyway. Typically I also WOH, but I am on mat leave for another 6 months right now. For us, we find time wherever we can:

* DS1 can't handle going more than a day or so without seeing his dad at all (ie, if DH leaves before DS's awake and home after bed), so we try to make sure that if DH isn't going to be home in the evening, he has some time with DS in the morning - even just having breakfast together can make a big difference.

* We try to keep our Saturdays open for family time (DH usually goes into the office for at least half of the day on Sunday). For example, we pay to have our house cleaned every other week so that I don't feel the need to spend all day cleaning. We often go out to eat as a family on the weekend. For me, this is money well spent. DH and DS1 have a Saturday morning pancake ritual which I am forbidden to be part of - it means they get some exclusive time together, and I get to take a shower by myself - that's a win-win!

*DH and I try to connect after the kids are in bed. This often means I have to keep myself awake, as the days are exhausting, but it's worth the effort.

For me, it has been this way since we got married, so I've had 6 years of adjusting. My DH relocated after our first was born so that he is no longer commuting. Now his time away (usually 11 - 15 hrs/day) is acutally work time.

The biggest thing has been that I have accepted how it is, and what my role is - I need to keep the household and the kids chugging along (in addition to my "day job" when I'm working). I agree with the PP who said she stopped waiting for DH to come home. For me, I stopped making mental tally charts about who had it harder. DH works really hard and agonizes about the time he is away. I also work really hard in my career, and keeping things going at home. Once I learned to stop giving into my "martyr complex", it made our time together much more pleasant.

You're pregnant with two little ones at home and you struggle with depression. It's important that you think seriously about what you need to do to take care of yourself. Maybe considering enrolling your 4 yo in preschool a few mornings each week. Now that summer is almost here, is there a neighborhood teen you could hire to play with your kids a few hours each week so you can rest - or go to the grocery store by yourself for once? Schedule the time to have an open conversation with your DH about how you each are feeling and brainstorm solutions. If you are going to keep your marriage and family healthy, then you both need to be on the same page re: expectations of each other.

that sounds hard but not unreasonable. I agree a shorter commute would make everything seem a lot better. my dh works 16 hour days 7 days a week. My neighbors husband works 10 hour days 6 days a week. and many of my friends have husbands with full time jobs and part time jobs. and none of us are making any where near six figures (not even half). it really could be a lot worse.

its a lot easier when you stop thinking "how much longer is this going to last" and start thinking "this is my life how can I make the best f the the time we have together."

also something that might help since you have the money is make sure your free time is free. If you need help hire someone to clean, have repairs done etc. that way when your dh is home it is about relaxing and bonding and having fun. not getting to the to do lists. It is weird having other people change our oil and fix stuff for us but at the time it has taken a lot of stress off in all those little chores that just don't cost that much to have someone do.

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These are both really good suggestions. When my DH relocated it made a huge difference for us. He can come home for dinner, put the boys to bed, and then go back to work if necessary. Or we can bring him dinner and have a "picnic" in his office - my 3 yo LOVES this - he feels super cool visiting dad's office.

My DH often starts his day very early, too. This allows him to get home for dinner and bedtime. A bonus for him is that he finds he's much more productive in the morning since he gets a few hours before the phones start ringing, etc so he actually gets much more done from 5-9 am then he would from 6-11 pm.

I hadnt thought that I could actually hire someone to help out. We have made no more than 25,000 since we met (per year) and I am pretty used to living near poverty.

On another note, I confided in him that I am scared for where it could take our marriage and that I have been struggling. It turns out it a million times harder for him. He is totally bummed that he is away all the time. He said that at least I get to be with the family.

I do realize that some people live this way for a long time but I tend to have a little bit more of an "enjoy life" mentality. I dont think life is worth much if you are working all the time and not enjoying it. I guess I still dont belive that you have to work like a dog to be happy. Seems to me that couuld contribute to alot of mental issues as well as family problems.

I am committed to making our family work. I am not going to end up a statistic. I told dh that I wouldnt miss him so much if i didnt love him to death!!!

We started out kinda funny....when we were young we would work for 3 months and then take our 2k and travel someplace new and work for a bit. we were like gypseys! It was a blast but it spoiled me to think we could do it forever.

Thx for all the advice!!!

Jenny

I agree with bec and McTel - can he adjust his hours so he starts earlier and ends earlier? My dp is driving away from the house by 6:00 a.m. then gets home around 6:00 p.m. (20-30 minute commute each way). We are all asleep when he leaves, but we get more time together as a family in the evenings. Like someone else mentioned, he gets a TON of work done before 8:00 a.m. when everyone else trickles in, calls start coming in, etc.

We were told that dh would be gone for six weeks this summer - out of the country. His first half is over this Friday, then he gets a week at home before going back. His usual work schedule is three weeks in the home office (home every night), then a week at the site (out of state/country), and we are used to that (he's been doing it ever since we had kids - they are now almost 11, almost 7 and 4). This six week thing is a whole different ball of wax, but we are almost halfway done now.

I don't know that I have any suggestions - we are just used to him being gone when he is gone, and home when he is home. It gets easier as you get used to it.

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Although I don't know if it's helpful to hear that lots of people are in the same boat or not, I agree with this. Here are my husband's working hours for last week, which has been about the same for the last three years (he's crazy, but that's why I was interested in this thread!). I have notes because as I said, he's crazy, and we're working on it.

Monday: Left for work at 7:45. Home at 6:30, on a conference call as he came in through the door. Half hour for family time; worked until 2 am.
Tuesday: conference call (from here) at 8, left at 9:30, worked until 5, dinner out until 6, worked from when we got in the door until 12:30.
Wednesday: left at 8, home at 6, took class 7-10, got in at 11. Slept until pager went off at 1 am, worked to three am.
Thursday: left for 6:45 train to other worksite. Picked him up at train station at 7:10 pm, he was on a call. Worked until about 11 pm.
Friday: left at 9 (that's an amazing morning for us), got in the door at 8, took a break, then worked 'til 1-something.
Saturday: took two calls in the morning; worked from 7pm - 3 am Sunday (that's a decent Sat for us)
Sunday: slept (thank god) until noon. Checked on work for an hour. Family time until 6 pm; worked until about 10.

He doesn't yet make in the six figures, btw. Although I would NEVER suggest that people should work like my husband, which is totally over the top and unhealthy to boot, when I was working full time I regularly worked 6 - 7 plus a commute. I don't think that's good either. But it was expected. I do think you may be adjusting to the (sadly) real world demands of his new job. I say enjoy the weekends a lot & move closer if you can. Good luck!

Absolutely enjoy the time you have! Make weekends a priority! Plan special outings (they don't need to be expensive. A picnic at a playground does wonders). One of the things DH and I have done in the past, when money was tight, was to do our errands together. So, we'd save food shopping till the weekend, and go to Costco together. Or other shopping, even going to the atm was a family outing.

Also, DH and I have a ritual of watching an episode or two of a tv show we have on DVD. It is quicker than a movie (which we sometimes do), and we can have some relaxing adult time together.

This summer is a particularly tough time for us, because dh is studying to take an industry certification exam (he's a network engineer), and is studying at least one weekend day a week. The last two weeks, he's put in 68 and 69 hours, and the previous two weeks were over 60 hours. So, I know it is tough and the kids are missing him like crazy. But, we are doing special things together to make the time that we do have together really matter. For us, things will ease up a bit after his exam in the beginning of August, but it will still be around 45-50 hour weeks plus commuting (he's a consultant, so he can spend a lot of time in the car).

It is a big adjustment from the life that it sounds like you used to lead. And, unfortunately, most of the "real" world does not value family time. Or, at least, they are not going to pay for it.

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You are probably right. I watch too much MTV lol. (Well, not so much these days-but it already rotted my brain.)

I am an idealist and I just assume that the world is compassionate, and loving, and nurturing, and family oriented, and leisure oriented, and hippys. Then when I find out that the real world actually sucks, I am actually shocked. : I really do belive that list of things. LOL. I am an enfp. it makes me crazy. OT.

Jenny

I think I'll try to focus on what I am greatful for.

I have alot to be greatful for.

I dont think daycares are evil but I didnt have kids to pay someone else to be a primary caregiver. : Ok, I kinda think daycare is evil. LOL.