Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All,
I am struggling with something really hard right now. Here is some background-when I met my dh 13 yrs ago, he made it clear that he didnt want children for various and numerous reasons. I made it clear that I really wanted 2 kids. I decided to marry him anyway_ love him to bits and he is a wonderful man. After 9 yrs together, he decided that he was ok with having a baby. After 18 months of trying-we had a wonderful dd who is now 2 1/2. DD has been very high needs and I have given her my all-admittedly not giving dh his share for a while. Now dd is just starting to get a bit easier-sleeping better etc.

DH said 2 nights ago that he has been thinking and wants to get a vasectomy. I bust into hysterics and cried and cried. He said that he is done having children and that since he didn't want any and we now have one that is fair. He said that he doesnt want to start all over again with a new baby and that he wants our life together back.
We talked again the next night and I suggested that I go back on the pill (something I SWORE I would never do) and that we reasses after 6-9 months. I also agreed to plan date night and try to do more things with each other- I think that dd is ready to be left with a sitter now and than and that it would be healthy for us and her. He agreed to this, but I think he did it just to humor me.

But, I am devastated. I really love being a mom and just feel that I want 2 children. My dd is the most special little girl and I want her to have a sibling to share her life with.

Has anyone else been in this situation with their dh? None of my friends have this problem so I really haven't gotten any advice/support.

Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Acugirl
Has anyone else been in this situation with their dh? None of my friends have this problem so I really haven't gotten any advice/support.
Sorry you're going through this. Our #2 was an accident (and a joyous one at that, as it turns out), so we really avoided this conversation. I think though that DH was leaning that way. He's since has a vasectomy, but we both agreed it was time. However, an acquaintance of mine just went through this... six months ago this post could easily have been hers, right down to the spirited first. She and her DH went through therapy. A good therapist is crucial and I think they saw two or three before they settled on one. It worked out for them. It cleared the air and set the stage for them to start listening better to the other's needs. Unfortunately with young kids, it's to easy to get out of that groove. Anyway, things worked out, and she's now pregnant.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,343 Posts
I don't have any advice, but I'm in a similar situation, only dh is the one wanting a second child, and I'm only wanting our one.
I'll be happy if we accidentally concieved, though....dh seems intent on this happening!
(I don't do the pill. Our bc method is kind of pornoesque).
Anyway, I know where your dh is coming from.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,450 Posts
Well the start of your story sure sounds like us but my dh has not threatened a vasectomy. He does only want one child, however, and I am not desperate for another but I would kinda like another. We are older (39) and had fertility issues so that is an issue for us as well. Our dd is 2.5 also and high needs so I am not eager to try again anytime soon. I would like to wait until she is maybe 4 but then we will be 41. I wish we had started younger so we could be dealing with this at a younger age. I don't know what I would do in your shoes other than maybe counseling to try to get on the same page.

I wish you all the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,781 Posts
My dh and I are similar but flip-flopped as well.
I always said just one before we conceived ds, and was even more adamant about it after ds. Dh wants one more and actually refuses to have a vasectomy.....I bring it up to him and he says no way in hell. He claims he isn't ready to have one because he wants to still be able to conceive children, and that maybe I should get "fixed."
This makes me so angry I cannot tell you...I'm getting angry just writing about it.
First of all, I understand that he's holding out on the hope that I might change my mind-I promise you, I will not! Maybe he's hoping for an accident? That honestly never occured to me until I read this....
But seriously, why does he need to the ability to conceive children when we're done? I'm not having anymore babies, so unless he's planning on starting another family elsewhere?????? kwim?
It definitely is very frustrating & hurtful in ways, even though our situations aren't exactly the same, I understand the feelings involved.
Unfortunatley I don't have any advice...whatever I'm doing hasn't worked so far. Hugs for you though, I hope you guys can work it out to where you'll both be happy, without sacrificing what you both really want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,387 Posts
This is definitly a tricky situation. My feels on the whole vac. issue is if the woman doesn't ever want anymore children then she shouldn't pressure her DH (who wants more) into getting a vac. In the tragic event of something happening to her, her DH would probably eventually remarry and want another child. I don't see this as being unreasonable.

Now, to the OP. DH is threatening a vac when mommy wants more... well there isn't a whole lot you can do other than what you are already doing. Try and give him some time, ask him to hold of for a few more months and you can use some sort of birth control (you could use the charting method, no meds). I can see where your DH is coming from. He probably feels very negelected, which most DHs feel. I think giving your relationship time to get strong again, and to reconnect is a great idea.

I don't have any personal experience with this because when I first met DH I said I wanted 6 kids. We have already agreed on at least 3, so we will see how that goes.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
My dh only wanted one (which is different from your dh--who didn't want any at all). I told him I didn't want to end up with any life regrets--and I would definitely regret not having a second child. He finally agreed, and we both love our two children to pieces!

Has your dh had time to bond with your child? If not, he may only be looking at the downsides and not the upsides.

2 and a half is a hard age--they really don't start getting easier until age 4, IMHO. I don't think any decisions (either way) should be absolutely made at this point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
My situation is different from yours. My ex pretended he wanted another child, while doing everything in his power, short of a vasectomy, to ensure we didn't have one. I had fertility problems for several years, then three miscarriages, and never wavered on wanting three more kids. (I've wanted four since I was 18.)

My ex and I split up, and I met dh. We had a beautiful baby girl in 2003, and I'm expecting our second (my third) in July.

DH says the one under construction is it. I still want one more. But, dh has said we'll revisit it later, as "[I'm] not as hellbent on only having three as [you] are on having four". I'm torn, because I don't want to push him into more kids than He wants...but I also don't want to give up on my desire for four kids.

Anyway...since I've already got the two kids that you want so badly, I'm probably not the best person to comment. But, things can change. DS was 10 before I had my second child...and life is wonderful. I think you might want to continue with your current "use birth control and reassess" plan, and maybe let it go for a year or so. If you do manage to find more time together, and dd settles a little, maybe the idea of another baby will appeal more to your dh.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,008 Posts
Quote:
when I met my dh 13 yrs ago, he made it clear that he didnt want children for various and numerous reasons. I made it clear that I really wanted 2 kids. I decided to marry him anyway_ love him to bits and he is a wonderful man. After 9 yrs together, he decided that he was ok with having a baby.
It seems that your DH really knows himself. He has been honest with you from the beginning and you with him. One child does seem a fair compromise. If it took him almost a decade to decide to try having a child he probably only consented because he really loves you. Now that he has one and still says he doesn't want to have another, my advice would be to try to make peace with it. It hurts (I've had the desire for 2 really bad too) and puts you in an uncomfortable place but your DH is probably outside his comfort zone too, not having wanted any children to care for. In the end, his body is his own.

I have been on both sides of this fence. Initially my DH wanted kids and I really did not (eldest of 6). I don't like the baby stage honestly. I love my kids but prefer older children I can talk to. So all my life I'd rather have adopted. I had ds1 because I really love DH and the thought of a child with some of his characteristics seemed bearable. The infant stage was very difficult for me and when I see some of the posts in Parents as Partners I really really relate to that time. I felt very resentful of my DH and stupid for having put myself in the situation of being required 24 hrs by my small son. So in this way I can relate very well to your DH.

After all that, I ended up wanting to have two children. DH did not. I could not convince DH to adopt so I left birth control in his hands, accepting that I would need to go through babyhood again and choosing to focus on the positives of it as much as possible. I felt that if he really did not want any more children, he would have a vasectomy and I would accept us as being a family of 3.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,284 Posts
I had one ds when dh and I met and married, and we have 1 dd together. That was enough for him, he went off and got a vasectomy against my wishes when dd was 9 mos old. I still want at least 1 more child, if not 2. He will not budge his position though and I feel like he's choosing for both of us without listening to me and it really hurts.

We joke about it occasionally, I'll tell him if I get my hands on Orlando Bloom or if Keanu Reeves' car breaks down in front of our house one day while he's at work we'll have our third.
He laughs and says go for it.

I just wish he hadn't closed himself to the possibility so early in our relationship. Our ds is autistic, our dd is pretty spirited, so I guess he just can't handle anymore..

Doesn't make me want another one any less..

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,092 Posts
lol, I'm right there with you on the Orlando Bloom scenario, picean_mama.
:LOL

Until I got pregnant with DS, I didn't want any children. DH said he wanted one, but not for a while. Surprise, we got pregnant right off the bat and it was rough. It took a while and a lot of soul searching and self evaluating, but I have within the last year come to understand why I didn't want any children. I've worked through my issues and am now the happiest I have ever been in my life, being a mama.
(It was hard for me to accept that I was a mom and didn't want to be, etc.... That's another post though...)

Now, I long for one more, and DH doesn't want to. I've only talked to him about it twice, and it wasn't a full fledged conversation..just a few sentences. We've both been stressed out recently because DH is in the process of starting a new job, and has had to work and train at both jobs a few times this week, and I haven't had him around for much. It's also going to be stressful for the next few weeks until he gets a handle on his new job and starts to get comfortable there. He's making much more money now though, with his new job, and I think it's time to talk to him about it again since DS is now 2 1/2 and if I were able to convince him to consider it, we'd want to start trying within the next six months so that DC #2 wouldn't be so far in age from DS. <sigh> We'll see. My mom told me that my dad absolutely positively did NOT want to have another child after me (he only wanted one) and my mom just "forgot to take her pill for a week" and oops, she's pregnant (my only sister). I don't think I could do something like that to my DH, I have to respect his wishes, and if he really truly doesn't feel comfortable with another child, so be it. I can always live vicariously through friends :LOL like I have been. Either way, I gotta get this IUD taken out soon...it's horrible.

Best of luck to ya...thanks for lettin me share my story.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by tyedyedeyes
My mom told me that my dad absolutely positively did NOT want to have another child after me (he only wanted one) and my mom just "forgot to take her pill for a week" and oops, she's pregnant (my only sister). I don't think I could do something like that to my DH, I have to respect his wishes, and if he really truly doesn't feel comfortable with another child, so be it.
My grandmother did something like that, except that it was an adoption. Grandpa only wanted one (my dad), and Nana really wanted a little girl. So, while Grandpa was out of town on a sales trip, she went to the adoption agency and got a girl. I guess the agency assumed Grandpa was in on it, because he'd signed the original papers for my dad.

Anyway...I don't think Grandpa ever forgave her for it, and his relationship with my aunt was terrible. He never accepted her as a daughter and her life really wasn't very happy. Adoption may be different than birth children, but that situation has always served as a warning to me about trying to force children on parents who really don't want them. I don't think it's good for the kids. (I'm not saying it never works out - my brother and BIL were both adamant about not wanting kids, and they're not wonderful parents, as they're both kind of irresponsible. But, they do both love the kids more than I can say.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,094 Posts
I agree with the other posters who said you should try to get him to postpone the big V on the off chance he changes his mind, but I wanted to add that you should probably start preparing yourself mentally to be the mother of an only child just in case. After all, he gave you fair warning from the start and you chose to marry him anyway so pushing for a second child now isn't really fair to him. Go ahead and start the grieving process for that second child you may never have. Remember that grief does lessen with time, it will not feel this intense forever. Look for positive ways to create for your daughter close relationships with cousins or friends so you don't feel she is "missing out". Talk to other moms that have singles about the advantages and disadvantages. Assume for now that this is your life and prepare yourself and your daughter to make the most of it.

Then, if 4 years down the line your dh changes his mind and agrees to a second child, that will be icing on the cake but in the meantime you haven't lost years to yearning after something you can't have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

Thao, you are probably right-that is just what I should do, but I find it so impossibly hard to do so. Possibly because I lost my mom when I was 18 I am so intune to what a wonderful gift life is and how short it can be. I feel that creating a child is the most wonderful gift in the world and fair or not-i want another!

Maybe I am being selfish, maybe I have deeper issues (I am sure), and mostly I love my dh so much and my daughter so much that I just really want to create a new life together.

I'll let you know what happens down the road!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,487 Posts
I don't think anyone in a relationship should be forced or coerced into having a child. That being said I also don't understand the drive that "I must have x number of children to feel complete." While I feel that I would like to have another, I don't think I MUST in order for our family to be whole. I have to take my husbands feelings and circumstances into consideration too.

Do you really want to bring another child into your family if your husband won't be absolutely thrilled about it? If he's doing it just to placate you? I'm not sure I would. But, that's just me. To each their own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
To answer your question, JenniferH, no, I wouldn't want to bring another child into my family unless my dh was on board! That is why I am struggling so much. I DO feel I want another, and I understand that my dh does not.

At the same time, when we had dd, my dh was not 100% thirlled about the prospect either, but he knew it was what I wanted. Now, he is a wonderful father and loves her to pieces. Could he have lived without her in his life-yes I am sure, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have had her.

So, I think that one can happily have a child even if one is not 100% certain that that is what they want in life...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,846 Posts
I understand your devastation, because I would be equally devastated if my DH wanted more than one child. Luckily we both only want one.
I think you're really lucky that he changed his mind about having even one. So many marriages have dissolved over this issue. I guess a valid question is what's more important- keeping your marriage intact or having another child? I don't mean that in a bad way at all- I think not having as many children as you desire is incredibly difficult and I wouldn't judge someone for ending a marriage over it. I sort of wish people didn't get married until they agreed on the number....but things change.....

It's totally your decision. But forcing someone to have another child against their will- he will be unhappy, therefore you will be unhappy, therefore your children will be unhappy- it's just not fair to anyone. If it's at all possible, try to make peace with having one child. There are no guarantees in life, and as you must know after having tried for a baby for 18 months, one healthy child is a breathtaking gift. There is no rule that says siblings get along. I strongly believe my life would be just as fulfilling and my childhood would have been just as wonderful without my sister. Not to say I don't love her- but being an only child does not have to be a bad thing. My husband was an only and loved it.

I hope whatever decision you make is what is right for you- but I have to say- a healthy, loving marriage with a beautiful child- is not a bad life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by JenniferH
That being said I also don't understand the drive that "I must have x number of children to feel complete." While I feel that I would like to have another, I don't think I MUST in order for our family to be whole.
I think the reasons for that can be varied and complicated. In my case, I decided early on (at about age 18) that I wanted four...I wasn't fixated on it, but that was the number I wanted.

So...a few years went by, and I had ds - first time we had unprotected sex, I got pregnant, and everything went great until the birth - an emergency c-section, after 20 hours of labour (I was fine with the labour, too!). When ds was almost one, I started ttc again...it took 3.5 years, and I lost the baby...then I lost the next one - then my ex and I split up, and I met dh - and got pregnant again (the first time we had unprotected sex!)...and lost that one, too. DS was now 7, and I'd been trying to have another baby for over six years...and had only three miscarriages to show for it.

DH moved here a year later and we decided to wait until my divorce was final to conceive again - we really didn't want to deal with any potential legal complications, etc. So, I finally conceived for the 5th time...and much to my amazement, dd was born 9 months later. I have another section, which I hated - but she was absolutely perfect - and worth the 10 year wait. But, I'd wanted my kids by my early 30's, and now I was almost 35. I've just turned 37, and baby #3 will be here any time.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, for me, giving up on my "dream" family after ten years of heartbreak trying to get here...when it seems like it's almost in reach...because dh suddenly decided this was enough is just an incredibly hard thing to do. All those of years of trying and trying and despairing and almost giving up - and it's actually possible after all. It's even harder to take, because I think dh may very well change his mind a few years down the road...but I don't feel that I have a lot of time to screw around at my age, especially after all the fertility problems. (Ironically, I have great pregnancies.)

Anyway....kind of took over the topic, but I was really just trying to explain that I think the reasons for that "drive" for a certain number of children can be complicated. I think if I'd had two or three initially, then the fourth just hadn't happened, I'd have shrugged and said "oh, well"...or maybe not. :LOL
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top