[terrainthailand]

DD is 4 months old and is showing a strong preference for mommy. I understand the attachment, and am happy, as it shows that she has some understanding of where her comfort and nourishment comes from. I would like, if possible, for her to be attached to DH as well. Is it just a matter of time? Does anyone have any winning strategies for promoting the attachment to the non-lactating partner this early on?

Some more info on us: I've left DD with DH three times, twice for 2 hours, once for 4 hours (after she had gone to bed for the night). The first time (at 2.5 months) was fine, she drank the pumped milk and napped happily. The second time (at 3 months) she screamed (in arms) for nearly the whole time I was gone. The third time (the longest one - at 3.5 months), she woke up a few minutes after I left and screamed (in arms) for about an hour before she fell asleep (BTW - she slept 7 hours straight that night!!). She also screams (desperately) when DH tries to put her to bed - so we have only tried it a couple of times. Although he understands, I know DH is upset by the situation because he can't stand to see her get so upset. DH had a full month off when DD was born so they had a lot of bonding time then, but, of course, I do all the feeding and the majority of care. DH wears her in the sling when we go out on the weekends. But during the week their time together is limited to a quick cuddle and play when he gets home from work and when we get up in the morning. We are a bit conflicted on what to do. On the one hand, we would like to continue to have DH try to put her to bed and take care of her so she can come to see him as another source of love and comfort (and so I can have a much needed break at the end of the day). On the other hand, we realize that forming that attachment may just take time and sometimes having him put her to bed or care for her without me feels almost as bad as CIO. DH is wonderful, is completely on board with AP and EC, and really wants to be more involved in caring for DD. (During that month he wasn't working he got up for EVERY night time feeding with me.) I hate that I can see him starting to get a little discouraged.

Any suggestions or thoughts?

 

[Everrgreen]

We seem to be heading towards this same situation so I'm curious to see what people say.

:

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

My little boy is only 3 months - but he loves his daddy! My DP gives Lincoln all of his baths while I only help with getting him out of the tub afterwards. He also does all the diaper changes when he is home. He's a full time law student, and I mostly stay home. I don't know if its just Lincoln's personality since he seems to like almost everyone, but he's always excited when daddy comes home from school.

I don't know what you could do - maybe there could be something that only your DH does with your daughter? (similar to the bath thing for us I mean) I don't have any other suggestions though. Sorry.

 

[Swandira]

I think it's mostly something you'll have to wait for. I also have a 12/12/08 baby, and he also cries much more when I'm not with him. My first boy was like this as well, but my DH has been much more patient with it the second and third times around, because he already had seen how the first one became more able to be soothed by him. (My daughter was way less mommy-obsessed when left alone with her dad, because she actually liked to be fed from a bottle!)

Actually, this third baby is already way more patient with being left with his Dad than he was even a few weeks ago. Your DH probably just needs to relax and get some more experience with the baby, and eventually she'll get to be more OK with just him. Maybe, to give him some confidence, you could point it out to him when you see her smiling at him or trying to get his attention? I always do that with my DH, even now with our third baby, because I want him to remember that the baby loves him too, even though he can't nurse him. I imagine the worst thing your DH could do would be to take it personally and give up trying to soothe her when she cries. He just needs to know that she'll come around before long, and they'll have good father-daughter times soon. Four months is still such little life experience!

 

[MujerMamaMismo]

I could have written the same post a couple of weeks ago. Things are getting easier here - DS is definitely a Mama's boy but he's getting more and more used to having DP provide some of his primary care too.

Basically, we've just started having DP do almost all the care when she is home and I only step in when absolutely necessary. Obviously I do a lot of stepping in but it's getting less and less each day. It's nice to have a few moments with 2 hands for me too!

 

[nj's_mom]

I'm having this same issue. DH was laid off from work for the first 3-4 months of DD's life, so she was pretty well bonded with him (although she's always been a mommy's girl.) But after he went back to work, full time 6 days a week, and is so tired when he gets home he pays (and yes, of course this totally bothers me) little attention to her- so now, at 7.5 months, she is not very well bonded with him and will only put up with him for short periods of time when she is in a good mood. As far as asking him to comfort or soothe her, it just aint happening.

It bothers me, too, but since I feel that DH is part of the problem- that he isn't putting in the effort and takes the easy road out- I'm not going to use DD as the sacrificial lamb and try to just make them "work it out". The few times I have begun to attempt that, it's been obvious it wasn't going to work.

So I guess I'm just waiting for something to change

But it definitley stinks!

 

[Peony]

None of my kids have been into daddy when they were babies. DH could hold them while they were happy, change dipes, but comforting them or putting them to sleep were things that only I could do. It just takes time, my girls are very much into daddy now. Most days they just tolerate me until he gets home.

 

[somelady]

get him a baby carrier! my dh watches our ds one day a week when I went back to work at 3mo, and he was having a really hard time until he grew into the baby carrier we'd gotten him (a calyx). they seem to be doing much better now.

 

[limabean]

From day 1, my DH has done just as much comforting, cuddling, singing, bathing, and wearing as me, with both our kids. Both of them are able to be comforted by him just as well as me at night (unless the baby's hungry, in which case obviously I have to be the one to go to her) and love to play with him just as well as me during the day.

 

[rightkindofme]

For us it took patience and time. For the first five, almost six months of our daughter's life she was not real fond of Daddy. Then she stated warming up to him. Now at ten and a half months she will cuddle up with him as easily as me in the middle of the night when she has one of her brief wake ups.

It was really bad though. For the first few months he wasn't sure he could handle another kid, ever. He was worried that her hating him would be a constant for the rest of her life and was so wrapped up in the moment that he didn't really grok that she isn't going to be an infant forever.

 

[Amber Lion]

I second the idea to have your DP wear your LO as much as possible. They go on walks just the two of them and it's very special for him (and she likes it too!). For getting babe to sleep, Addie will zonk right out in the ERGO with Dh as well as for me. Then he just transfers her to bed with him or wears her for the rest of the nap. I'm still the #1 when it comes to soothing her cause I got the boobies, but it's also nice to see her recognize that Poppa is a care person too. She didn't always, so they have grown closer together. Sometimes when she's teething really bad she even does better with her Poppa around, she still wants my boob, but she wants to hold her Poppa's hand and hear him sing.

 

[greenmamapagan]

Co-sleep, babywear and wait.

 

[Devaskyla]

We're having the same issue. Daddy has been holding ds3 every night when I get ready for bed & random times through the day, but every day all ds3 does is scream the whole time. He doesn't scream when ds1 holds him or strangers, just daddy. H is getting very frustrated & hurt.

 

[alegna]

Stop trying to force it. Spend happy-time together- whatever that is. And wait.

Those first few months it's all about mama. Then all of a sudden they realize that they are a separate creature from mama and it's even MORE about mama. Then they wake up and accept daddy.

Mine both did that at times as infants and both ADORE daddy now.

-Angela

 

[leosmommy]

.

 

[terrainthailand]

Thank you all for the responses and the "me too"s. We do co-sleep and DH does babywear (though he could do it more!). We'll keep plugging along and being patient and I will keep being positive and reminding DH that this is only temporary.... soon enough he might be the favorite

To those that don't have this problem... congrats!! I'm jealous!!