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DH says, "We're going to leave without you" *spin-off*

765 Views 13 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  lilsishomemade
The other thread had me thinking about this. My DH has said to DD (23 months), "We're going to leave you here, then," or something similar on several occasions when he couldn't get her to come with us. He and I disagree on many discipline ideas, but luckily it's mostly minor things. I try not to correct him a lot or whatever, but when he says that to her, I always say, "No honey. We will not leave you. Mommy would never, ever leave you. Daddy's just teasing." I'm not going to stop doing that, because I think it's important that she knows I wouldn't leave her, but I'm curious if that's what some of you guys would do.
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Yes. If I couldn't convince my dh that it was wrong, I'd absolutely say this.
My dh said this a few times to our dds. I basically said the same thing to them; that we would not leave them ever. I don't have a problem telling him not to do it. I did, but later when the girls weren't around. I wouldn't do it in front of them. But later I told him he was never to say that again. I explained why and the feeling of abandonment issues. At first, he was like, "She knows we'd never leave her." I explained that when he says that, little ones don't always know and can become afraid. THis was a few years ago and he's never said it again. He just really didn't realize that the kids could actually think we would leave them. If I hadn't told him flat out not to do it, he never would have learned any better.
DH and I actually talked about this last night. He also at times says to DD "well I'll just leave you here then" and walks off a bit. I always make him go back and get her promptly because I'm afraid that possibly in that minute he walks off someone could grab her. He was a little skeptical about it leading to abandonment issues but did ask what he should do instead. I told him it would be better just to pick her up even if it meant she would start crying than to pretend to leave her. I'm pretty certain he'll be more careful not to say he'll leave again.

Mary

Ashleigh Nicole 1-17-03 & Clayton Matthew 1-31-05
Sorry, I have 4.5 kids. My first son was always holding things up when he was little. Now while i never said those exact words I have been know to say, "I am leaving, Bye!" If they don't come, I would start to walk away. If they still did not come I would go back and get them. I think it is better than grabbing your kid and yelling at them or worse spanking them. I have seem this on many occasions. I must say I don't think I ever said it to my kids before they were 2. I don't know. My kids know I would never leave without them, but they also know i would leave the house and sit in the car and wait for them. My children hate when they are the last in the car and they know they are the reason we are late somewhere. My kids are older though. They are 10-3 years, so all but the 3 year old, know about time.
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My DH did this once at the playground and I told my DS essentially "I guess Daddy's going home without us. We'll have to find another way home." He hasn't said that again.
I don't EVER threaten to leave my kids, but I learned something from reading Continuum Concept that has worked for us. I make sure they know what is expected. For us, that means 10, 5, and 2 minute warnings. Then "Do your last thing," And then, "Okay! Time to go!" Then I walk slowly away and don't look back. It is their responsibility to keep up. If I walk around a corner, I stop and wait, but they can't see that. I do not stand an negotiate endlessly.
Quote:

Originally Posted by nwaddellr
My DH did this once at the playground and I told my DS essentially "I guess Daddy's going home without us. We'll have to find another way home." He hasn't said that again.
That is FUNNY!!! I love it!

I'm with mamaduck (funny, I seem to be agreeing with you a lot!!!). I might walk with the expectation that ds will follow. Obviously, allowing for transitions and if he's still busy on something "important."
But I'd never imply (or say) that I'd leave without him.

And yeah, if anyone said that (dp wouldn't), I'd tell ds that they were teasing, or that *I* won't leave without them.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by robin4kids
Sorry, I have 4.5 kids. My first son was always holding things up when he was little. Now while i never said those exact words I have been know to say, "I am leaving, Bye!" If they don't come, I would start to walk away. If they still did not come I would go back and get them. I think it is better than grabbing your kid and yelling at them or worse spanking them. I have seem this on many occasions. I must say I don't think I ever said it to my kids before they were 2. I don't know. My kids know I would never leave without them, but they also know i would leave the house and sit in the car and wait for them. My children hate when they are the last in the car and they know they are the reason we are late somewhere. My kids are older though. They are 10-3 years, so all but the 3 year old, know about time.
The fact that one tactic is "better than" another doesn't necessarily make it one that facilitates my longterm goals for my child. Spanking is better than beating with a baseball bat, but that doesn't make it okay.

I don't really know if you're saying that you've actually told your kids you would leave them or not. It's one thing to say, "It's time to go," and start walking. It's completely different to give your children the impression that you're going to leave them somewhere. If your kids hate being the last in the car, and they know you're going to the car to wait for them, that's completely different than telling them you're going to go somewhere without them, kwim?

When you (general "you", not you personally
)actually tell your kids you're going to leave without them, if the kids are too little to know you aren't really going to leave them, then you've just scared them and made them think that Mommy might actually leave them all alone somewhere. If they're old enough to know you aren't going to leave, then they know that Mommy sometimes says stupid things just to get them to cooperate. Either way, it's not a useful strategy in the long run.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaduck
I don't EVER threaten to leave my kids, but I learned something from reading Continuum Concept that has worked for us. I make sure they know what is expected. For us, that means 10, 5, and 2 minute warnings. Then "Do your last thing," And then, "Okay! Time to go!" Then I walk slowly away and don't look back. It is their responsibility to keep up. If I walk around a corner, I stop and wait, but they can't see that. I do not stand an negotiate endlessly.
Yes, I do lots of X minute warnings. I start at 10, then go to 5, then do a countdown. It's funny, because DD knows that "5 more minutes" means she gets to play some more, so any time we have to leave she always says "Fide more minutes, Mommy! Fide more!" The problem is that she doesn't really "get it" yet, so whenever 5 minutes is up, she thinks she gets five more on top of that.
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DP and I thankfully agree on our parenting choices and this is another one when I brought it up he said "When I was a kid it made me feel awful when my mom said it. We won't say it, ever."
I remember my mom actually leaving me places a few times. I was terrified. I will never put my children through the worry that I would abandon them.
Dh has said this to Ani once (16 months) and I immediately told her that we would never ever leave her. I haven't talked to him about it at all, but I haven't heard him say it again either.
My Grandma used to get in the car and turn the engine, as far as I can remember, the issues were getting my mum and aunt (adults in their twenties on wards) to get off the phone/hurry up/get out of the house/stop acting like they were 13 etc.


Still there was a fair number of times when my mum would have to deal with me being absolutely terrified that Grandy would leave without us. While before the engine started I had been hyper and excited about going out. (this is my memory so I could be wrong in thinking that I was never the sole cause of delaying leaving in this situation.
)
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Once, my mom and grandma took me and my two boys to the mall, and my oldest was being very cranky, not wanting to walk, though none of us could carry him. My mom got all upset, and said, "Fine, then just walk away and let him sit there!" My biggest concern was that if I just left him, someone could snatch him! Also, I remember my grandma actually doing this to me in the mall, and I freaked out and ran all over the place trying to find her, I knew I was lost forever, and was petrified. I told my mom I could NEVER do that to my child, who btw, was only 3 at the time.
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