[AdoptChina]

Tonight DD asked DH to help her take her shower (she needs help washing her hair). So she is in there for a few minutes and apparently gets water in her face and starts freaking out....crying....etc. DH (I guess) can't figure out why since she has had showers before and tells her to stop....she just gets more upset and he smacked her on her behind

She came downstairs to me (and her brothers) and was crying and trying to tell me what was going on.......well yesterday she went to the pool with my neighbor...she took off her swimmies and tried to stand on the steps but her foot slipped and she went under water.....she freaked and cried and wanted to come home, but a few minutes later decided to go back in the pool with the swimmies (she and I talked about it afterwards and she would like to try swim lessons again)......anyway, apparently the water that got in her face in the shower reminded her of going under in the pool (she said she was afraid of drowning) and thats why she freaked in the shower---TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE to me!

I held her and stroked her hair....told her I was sorry that happened...that I was sorry Daddy smacked her and that if she ever feels like that again to say why she is upset (not blaming her for what happened, just trying to empower her so she can explain herself)

DD asked me to relay the explanation to DH and we went in the kitchen and told him why she freaked....he just sort of ignored us and gave a "um hmm"....I guess he was still mad but still...he should have apologized

 

[captain optimism]

Yes he should and you can tell him that when she's not around. Let him collect himself and come back and do it.

Hugs to you.

 

[stafl]

not acceptable. If my DH ever hit my DD, especially when she was already upset or for being upset, he'd be out of the house. Probably not permanently, but he would not be sleeping here again until he got some sort of counselling. I remember all too well hearing things like "I'll give you a reason to cry"

I will not tolerate anyone making my kids hurt that much, emotionally or physically. There is no excuse for that.

Quote:

he just sort of ignored us and gave a "um hmm"....I guess he was still mad but still...he should have apologized

HE was MAD???? because she was upset??? an apology would not have been enough. His reaction shows that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. If I couldn't get him to agree to stay somewhere else, I would take my kids and go. It's that big of a deal.

 

[granolamom]

I firmly agree with everything STAFL said......

Hugs to you

 

[mamalisa]

Was this your 4 year old? Because my ds is doing the same thing, freaking out without explanation. Yelling and screaming because we didn't read his mind fast enough to know what the problem is. We've been working for weeks on getting him to tell us what the problem is before he flips out. It's extremely frustrating to deal with and I can see how your dh could lose it.

BUT, it's not ok, just because it's frustrating. He needs to and apologize for hitting her and explain why he reacted the way he did.

 

[umefey]

ITA with stafl

 

[AdoptChina]

Its my 5 yr old....she doesnt normally freak out, but she is a major drama queen lol

DH is normally a very quiet, non threatening, kind & mellow (but strict) guy.....so Im surprised he did this....actually yesterday before all this happened we were talking about different discipline approaches (time outs--why I dont give them to the little kids, spanking..why its wrong , etc). He totally agreed with the no spanking part and said he did do it with his older girls when they were little just because he didn't know anything else to do back then.......so to have him lose it and swat DD just really pissed me off. I will talk to him after work today and tell him that I think he needs to apologize to DD.....hopefully he will agree (and I want to discuss with him other ways he could have handled it). I know from past arguments btwn us he usually needs a period to reflect and sort things out before he can talk about it (and apologize).....so I hope thats whats going on

 

[KermitMissesJim]

If he was still mad when she gave her explanation I would think he lost his head for a moment. I've done it with my kids--we have no spanking rules but I've gotten mad and swatted their heinys before, cause I'm not perfect. You'd already discussed that this was normal for him to do to his older girls, so the programming is there, just like it is there for me because I was abused by my mother.

When I do it, I try to cut myself a break. I apologize when I've calmed down, we discuss appropriate discipline, and both child and I talk about how we can do better.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by stafl not acceptable. If my DH ever hit my DD, especially when she was already upset or for being upset, he'd be out of the house. Probably not permanently, but he would not be sleeping here again until he got some sort of counselling.............. an apology would not have been enough. His reaction shows that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. If I couldn't get him to agree to stay somewhere else, I would take my kids and go. It's that big of a deal.

I totally agree. No way.

OP I am so sorry this happened to your DD.

It wasn't loving or fair.

 

[Music-mommy]

If he is a quiet non threatening kind of guy, then perhaps he was terribly embarrassed that he did that. Especially if you'd just talked about it. I know my husband is very gentle and non-threatening but he gets angry very quickly. He's never even come close to hitting dd, but I could imagine if he ever lost it and did hit her, he would feel horrible.

Unfortunately, most men are never given the tools as children to learn to deal with these feelings. I would talk to him like you said when he's cooled off, and see if he is willing to apologize, then if not, I'd do what pp said, and leave, I'd go stay in a hotel or whatever until DH is willing to apologize.