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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i have been telling dh for years not to swear in front of the children, yet when he becomes angry he still swears regardless of where the children are. his excuse is always the same that he was angry and cannot stop himself, yet there are certain words he would never use in front of the children, well if he has something inside him that believes saying those words in front of the children is abhorrent then why not others? he is obviously capable of modifying his language as he does it to a degree so inability to stop himself is nonsense.<br><br>
my middle child is very impressionable, and i knew it was only a matter of time before he copied his dad. well now we are here twice over the weekend he used the 'f word' i came down on him, like of a tonne of bricks. he is not the sort of child who is able to behave differently at home to at school and i am terrified that he will use this word at school, then the trouble will really start, and if other children hear him and copy him - and if their mothers hear him say it....<br><br>
he will end up with no friends and listed as a troublemaker at school.<br><br>
i am so sad, and so sick with worry for my little boy, i just feel like crying and crying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
4 viewings and no responses <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:
 

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(((hugs))) to start with.<br><br>
What's you DH's feelings about the situation? Does he realise how abhorrent you find this and does he have any intention to control his use of language?<br><br>
My ds has copied a few of DH's (admittedly very minor) swear words and I just told him that I don't like that word, please don't say it again. No emotion to it, just that statement. So far, he hasn't said them again so it's become a non-issue.<br><br>
As far as getting things sorted out with your DH, it depends what kind of person he is; whether he'll take your anger and upset seriously and act on it by controlling himself.<br>
I have caught myself shouting at DS more times than I wish to admit, but am working really hard on controlling myself and am winning.<br>
My DH is a terrible yeller and I try to diffuse situations I know will ring his bell prior to the shouting. It's like parenting 2 instead of 1, but I don't want ds shouted at and DH is incapable of trying other approaches in the heat of the moment, so wading in or removing DH from the situation is all I'm left with. *shrugs*<br>
Talk, talk, talk and hammer the message home. More (((hugs)))
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
he realises that he has caused a problem and is i think, taking the situation seriously. however i still feel so angry, i feel this was so preventable. plus i feel that there is so much we cannot control in our childrens lives and so much we cannot prevent or protect them from that this was one small thing we could do to make his world a happier, safer and easier place to live in. i cannot help but feel that that if dh couldnt do this one small thing for our children that he cannot love them anywhere near as much as i do. i would move heaven and earth to make their lives better, and he couldnt simply mind his language.<br><br>
i am really, really cross.
 

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Dh does this too. I have told him that if he can refrain in front of his boss and his mother, then he can refrain in front of me and the kids. It's a respect thing, and we are just as deserving of respect as others.<br><br>
Having said that, I don't mind the odd swear word (heck, I have a potty mouth at times), it's the ranting/swearing combo, and the blasphemy that gets me. I don't even mind the odd swear word out if the kids (13 and 7), as long as they understand time and place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Irishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10784332"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">as long as they understand time and place.</div>
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my little boy has only just turned 5, and is a very young 5, in many ways he has more in common with a child who has just turned 4, he does not understand that there is a time or a place <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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My DH is just as bad. His employer is his dad and they curse AT each other on an almost daily basis. So, um, that's a no go there, but otherwise, DH likes to curse if he has to change a diaper in the middle of the night, one of the kids does something he doesn't like, something doesn't go his way. I KEEP telling him to cut it out, but that's going nowhere. He just tells her not to say it when she randomly repeats it.<br><br>
I don't know what to tell you other than I KNOW what you're going through and it's really a bad place to be.<br><br>
Mine is 2yrs 9 months...........and recently told me, G*d dammit mama, we're out of toliet paper.<br><br><br>
Liz
 

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Just wanted to say that I really don't think that your child will end up with no friends and listed as a trouble maker for swearing.<br>
While i understand your frustration with your DH i think you may be over reacting to your childs actions. (not ness to the problem you have with your parnets behaviour)<br>
Kids learn to swear around that age, its not terribly uncommon and it's nothing the teachers and child care providers haven't seen before.<br>
I have very different views on protecting childrens innocence as we speak no different in front of our daughter then we do when she's not around. I think you really ought to talk to your partner and let him know how much this means to you.
 

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I can see how you would be concerned.<br><br>
But I think you are overreacting. Your child says the "f" word a couple of times and you already have him friendless and ostracized and worse. Your own reaction to this is the only thing you really have control over.<br><br>
Your son is not the first 5-year-old to learn that word. It doesn't have to ruin him. He doesn't even know what it means.
 

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My husband does this too. It really bothers me. I really nag him about it but that just makes him resent me. I really like Irishmommys comment because it is soooo true. My husband would never say those words in front of his mom or grandmother. I'm going to point this out to him....<br><br>
errrrr. I'm not saying that I'm perfect but he usually curses when he's angry and it's really aggressive behavior, in my opinion.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>oliversmum2000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10783886"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i am devastated, i hated making him sad by trying to reinforce why this can lead to so much trouble, he was heart broken, but i know when he is angry again he will probably use it again and potentially at school.<br><br>
right now i hate my dh. he has done this to my baby, he has taken away a small part of his innocence. the only thing children are born with is their innocence, and it ought to be protected like a fragile and delicate gift that it is. how dare he do this to my baby. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i really see this as a form of abuse, exposing him to ugly language as he refused to stop swearing.<br><br>
there is a part of me that wont ever forgive him for this.<br><br>
i am so sad, and so sick with worry for my little boy, i just feel like crying and crying.</div>
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First, I personally feel like this is not that big of a deal and that your reaction is very over the top for something that is just words. He didn't swear AT the child, he didn't call you or your son names, he said words that you don't think are ok. If you can muster up hate for the man you married and love for saying a bad word, I hope he never does anything that requires real forgiveness, he's in big trouble.<br><br>
Kids will hear swear words, from their friends, from tv, movies, some guy on the street. Kids will learn that certain behaviors aren't acceptable at certain times. You can spit out your toothpaste but you can't spit out your dinner. They get it, maybe not right away, but they do learn. The world is full of rules that apply in certain areas and not in others. When he starts school there will be a whole world of new and acceptable behaviors, you will teach him that he cannot say those words and he will understand. Ds's best friend has hit him a few times and they are still best friends. Kids understand that people make mistakes and that they can apologize and grow to understand why their mistakes were wrong. No one is ostracized in kindy because they make a mistake.<br><br>
I can't be the only one that learned "shhhhh" and the other person says "itttt" on the bus in grade school can I?
 

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it's really not that big of a deal OP. your kid probably heard those words at school too.<br>
i say "bad words" all the time.<br>
i think you are over reacting.
 

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I am sorry, mama. That really stinks of your DH. But, in a small way, I believe maybe it's a comfort level thing (definitely NOT excusing it!). JUst as our kids will have an all out meltdown for us upon getting home from Gma's, DH may feel like he can let loose with you, ykwim?<br><br>
I really feel it is a respect thing, too. The dc should have every chance to hold on to their innocence for as long as possible. We are responsible for this.<br><br>
Once when I was driving after some big rains, I turned without thinking too sharply onto a country road (that I turned onto almost every morning) and almopst ran dead-on into a "flooded" sign. DH let "Holy sh*t!" slip and was quick to repeat "Holy shipwreck, mama!" Even then, DS repeated the Holy part and added his own "shoot" to it. Bugged us for days, til it finally left....
 

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I'm wondering if there isn't something bigger going on here... like you are mad at him for something else? Or you had a bad experience as a child for having said a "profane" word?
 

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(((Hugs)))<br><br>
First, let's say that I'm not innocent. I cuss like a drunken sailor. But not *at* the kids. I find it to be two different things if the kids hear me muttering to myself if I hurt myself or drop a glass than than if I was cussing at <i>them</i>.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I'm wondering if there isn't something bigger going on here... like you are mad at him for something else? Or you had a bad experience as a child for having said a "profane" word?</td>
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Yea that.<br>
Also, ok, it may not be a big thing. Yes, the kids gonna hear swearing at school, wherever. Thats not the issue. The issue is, something that is upsetting OP, he dh is not respecting her or even trying to respect this is something that pisses her off. IMO this is the big thing here, not the swearing itself.<br><br>
FWIW, my 4yo just starting saying the F word alot. And he didnt hear it from dad, he heard it from BIL.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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Well, I shouldn't be talking because my two and a half year old daughter said the f word the first time this evening. And she heard it from the mouth of Mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> I'm sure that you have your own ways of parenting and so I cannot give much help on this, because swearing isn't a main concern of mine. I'd be more upset over other things: like how he or she uses the words and if it's in an abusive manner or aimed towards another person in a hateful way.<br><br>
I would just really try to sit down and talk. I would explain him how I felt about it and try to talk him into a compromise.<br><br>
My Mother swears a lot and when she is around my Grandmother she has to learn to tone it down a bit because my Grandmother doesn't care much for swearing and instead of "mother...f" (something she often says out of bad habit) she says "mother love". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Why don't you suggest alternative words? I mean, everyone has to have some words to let out anger. There is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps it is just pointing him in the direction of either less offensive words or to come up with something silly like "mother love" to use in it's place.<br><br>
And I wouldn't advise coming down hard on your ds for saying such words. I would just explain him for now that while his father says those words, it doesn't make them right and that many people have something that they have a hard time controlling and he has a problem with saying those words. And whenever he slips up and borrows a word he learned from Dad's vocabulary - you should gently offer another word that wouldn't be so offensive. The f word could become fudge and sh*t could be crap, darn, drats, etc.
 

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no matter how hard we try to prevent it, eventually our kids will hear and know the word. I highly doubt any mother or parent or teacher would hold a grudge toward the child who said it or their parent. It gets said in my oldest dd's class a couple of times a week-believe me, the teacher doesn't keep track or do anything more than say "we don't use that word in this classroom." My dd has been pumping me to tell her what the f word actually *means*-sorry, kid-not gonna happen-I know you'll run out and spread the word at recess! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Now, I agree your dh needs to demonstrate more self control-but don't feel you have to take responsibility for what others might think for something that might not even happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
thank you<br><br>
i am glad to hear that maybe it isnt the life stopping event i felt it was. i think the problem is my son had a very difficult nursery experience with a nursery teacher who, we only discovered literally days before he finished at the nursery, had a very low opinion of my son. i know he can be quite naughty at times, and i think the horrible experience at the nursery has made me mega over-protective of him, and terrified that he will have problems again at his new school. though this so far does not seem to be the case and they all seem far nicer and far more professional than his old nursery teacher. i just think this experience has made me exceptionally sensitive to anything that may cause him a problem at school.<br><br>
thank you for reassuring me that the world will not come to an end!
 

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I have to say that my DH is the same way. And he works from home, so there's no break from it. If he's having a problem, we hear it upstairs. DS is starting to learn that those are 'bad' words, so hopefully he won't say them. (I always yell down to DH "Quit Cussing!" and now DS is saying it too. LOL)<br><br>
The one thing that has really made us aware of EVERYTHING we are saying is kind of goofy.<br><br>
DS loves electronic items. Any kind pretty much. Well, one day he found an old digital voice recorder I had to use when I did mystery shopping visits. He started to play with it and figured it out pretty quickly. Well, as we're driving in the car DH and I are talking and not really thinking about what we're saying in relation to little ears in the back seat. All the sudden we hear our own words coming back at us. He had been recording us! It hit home right then that his mind is just like that recorder - it takes in EVERYTHING it receives. But it can't be deleted like the recorder can.<br><br>
So, long story short (too late!) maybe you can get a tape recorder or digital recorder and just let it run. You might discover things you're saying that you don't want to - above and beyond the profanity. Don't know if that helps anyone else, but I'm sure using it from now on to make DH (and me... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> ) stop and think about our conversations all the time.
 
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