[quelindo]

<p>We AP (of course) and also practice Unconditional Parenting, for the most part. I've been the lead on this but DH has gone along with it, and after watching Alfie Kohn's video on UP he agreed with me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the past year or so, though, DH has been getting frustrated with DS's behavior, thinking that he "needs discipline." Just now he told me that we were AP'ing to give DS confidence and self-esteem, and now that he has that, he needs discipline.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mostly DS is just used to our constant attention, doesn't do what we tell him to do all the time, and sometimes calls us names and blames us for things that go wrong. We have a new baby in the house that DS did NOT want and is still not happy about, but this behavior was happening long before I was pregnant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree that I don't like DS's behavior, but I also think that "disciplining" him by yelling or punishing is not the right way to handle it. I recently read "The Secret of Parenting" and a lot of that resonated with me. I've tried to get DH to read it and he admits he should, but he's not really a reader. And then when I suggested it again this morning after he lost it with DS he said, "Yeah, and then I've got some books for YOU to read." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Can anyone suggest a way to handle DS's behavior? I would like him to "obey" us and know that it's not okay to call names, but I also realize that we're working on long-term character development. However, even I have found myself threatening not to read to him before bed if he's doing something he shouldn't or not doing something he should, and I don't like threatening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Venting, looking for guidance and sympathy...</p>

 

[phathui5]

<p>How are you handling the name-calling at this point?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What do you do when you ask him to do something and he doesn't follow through?</p>

 

[tinuviel_k]

I was going to ask the same questions as the PP. I didn't want to give any real suggestions till I knew what you were already doing when there is undesirable behavior.

 

[quelindo]

<p>Well, for instance, he was just in here putting his feet on my chair and pushing it and making noise. I asked him to please stop twice, and he wouldn't, so I told him sternly to stop. He pushed with his feet a little more and called me dumb and told me to get out. Then he got distracted by his half-sister leaving the room and went to bug her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We also threaten not to read to him before bed or not to let him watch "Cosmos" (something he and DH have been doing together since the baby was born)...but like I said, I hate threatening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I really do like "The Secret of Parenting," but what do you do when you ask them to do something and they don't do it? I know he says to stay with them with the expectation that they WILL do it, and wait until they do, but what if they just don't? I also like the idea of addressing the name-calling or hitting or whatever later when your child is calmer. But this is the stuff that drives my DH crazy.</p>
<p> </p>

 

[quelindo]

<p>When he calls me a name, I tell him I don't appreciate being called "________." When he doesn't do something we ask him to do, we either threaten, reason, or just give up, honestly. He's over 50 pounds and freakishly strong, and I don't know what else to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He's not a brat, honestly. He's often very sweet and loving. But I do want more cooperation/listening and less fighting/yelling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh, and when we talk to him later and for him to make it right, he will often say he's sorry. But I want to see the good behavior at the time, not later.</p>

 

[mamazee]

<p>My favorite resource starting at this age and for these kinds of communication problems is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen by these women: <a href="http://www.fabermazlish.com/" target="_blank">http://www.fabermazlish.com/</a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hope you find something that helps you!</p>

 

[mom2grrls]

<p>Well, for instance, he was just in here putting his feet on my chair and pushing it and making noise. I asked him to please stop twice, and he wouldn't, so I told him sternly to stop. He pushed with his feet a little more and called me dumb and told me to get out. Then he got distracted by his half-sister leaving the room and went to bug her.>>>>>>>></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Normally when one of my kids did something like that I figured they wanted attention and just weren't communicating it well  I don't use please when I want them to stop something I would have just said-stop pushing my chair.  If he continued to do it I would have gotten down and said I think you may want something from me-what is it?  If he did then I would suggest to him a different way to get my attention the next time.  As for the name calling, my son has def. done that sort of thing more than once so I reword what I think he may be feeling w/out the "names"-for example, you don't want to stop playing to brush your teeth, that sort of thing.</p>

 

[One_Girl]

<p>I suggest that you try the Raising a Thinking Child/ Raising a Thinking Preteen series of books.  They are like the How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen book but a little more specific and step by step.  It is a whole family approach that I really like because it is good for a child who is at any level in their ability to resolve conflicts.  Has he recently started school?  That may also be having an affect.  My dd pushes limits a lot during her first several weeks in a new class then goes back to her usual self.  It helps to keep the limits firmly in place and to stay loving and consistent with my boundaries during these times.  I don't change my parenting style, I just make sure I don't lapse into a phase where I let a lot of stuff slide by because I am too burnt out to deal with it.</p>