[katie9143]

so i came over here looking for help earlier....or maybe some insight, not really sure what or how and happened upon shelsi's thread about her dh. as i read through the thread i found some similarities, but really its much more than him resenting our daughter. then i saw where someone suggested npd and she posted some info from the mayo clinic site and literally, the descr she posted could have been a descr of my dh

i didnt want to hijack her thread....and thought maybe some of you ladies could give me some advice.

as the mayo clinic cites, ppl with this disorder are usually in denial and feel like any type of therapist would be a waste of their time. that is so my dh ... what do i do? next month is only our 2nd anniversary and i already am so fed up.

i dont know his parents and family as they live very far away and speak very basic english....he claims to have been a perfect, brilliant child and has messed up expectations for our dd.

i dont even know what else to say....he sucks the life out of me

 

[verde]

First of all let me say that you have my total sympathy. I do not have a spouse with NPD but I had a "friend" who I had to expel from my life and it was the best thing I ever did.

If your DH really has NPD then you need to leave because nothing, and I mean that really and truly, nothing you do or say will change him. People with NPD are energy vampires and they suck you dry. He will not only drain you but will cause your DD will suffer terribly because of it.

A person with NPD thinks that they are just fine and everyone else in the world is wrong/crazy/out to get them. They do not think they need counseling and they will rationalize every crazy, illogical, nasty, cruel thing they do. They will make you wonder if you have lost your mind.

Get out ASAP because it will not get better. You will suffer and so will your DD. Save yourself and your DD. Get out.

 

[Liquesce]

If you feel you're fed up and need to get out, then do so -- but a diagnosis like that really can't be made by reading a website. There are a lot of disorders with really similar symptoms, and to be honest sometimes people really are just plain jerks.

 

[katie9143]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liquesce If you feel you're fed up and need to get out, then do so -- but a diagnosis like that really can't be made by reading a website. There are a lot of disorders with really similar symptoms, and to be honest sometimes people really are just plain jerks.

i wish that were the case, and i am so not a "label" kind of person. its totally him....to a T. i thought i was nuts, and now after reading a ton of info about it, i am so sad. it does seem that i dont have much of a choice. like verde said, i think the chance of him changing is pretty nil

 

[Rosehip]

Here's another good site, if you haven't yet seen it. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

I am in the process of divorcing a narcissist. If things are that bad and/or you truly think this is what you're up against, I would consider talking to a therapist for YOU. I did so for about 8 months after X moved out, and while trying to work through how to deal with him (boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - there, I saved you a lot of time & money

) and it was VERY helpful.

Living with a narcissist rivals Dante for hell. Truly. It is abusive, and will NOT get better. BTDT.

If you'd like, feel free to PM for me with questions or anything else.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by verde If your DH really has NPD then you need to leave because nothing, and I mean that really and truly, nothing you do or say will change him. People with NPD are energy vampires and they suck you dry. He will not only drain you but will cause your DD will suffer terribly because of it. A person with NPD thinks that they are just fine and everyone else in the world is wrong/crazy/out to get them. They do not think they need counseling and they will rationalize every crazy, illogical, nasty, cruel thing they do. They will make you wonder if you have lost your mind.

This, exactly. My father is a narcissist and cutting him out of my life was the best decision I ever made. My mom got him into counseling ONCE, and he talked about how great he is and how much everyone loved him, and when it was my mom's turn to talk he walked out. They will NEVER see a problem with themselves. Never, ever, ever.

I am so sorry.

:

 

[verde]

Quote:

Here's another good site, if you haven't yet seen it. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

Excellent website. I spent time there and it really helped me understand my former "friend" and why there was no way to help her.

katie9143, I totally understand why you are so sad.

When you love someone and see all kinds of good aspects to them, you really want to help them. But there comes a time when you realize that you are just a mere mortal and that it would take a miracle to help that person. On top of that, the person you want to help doesn't think he needs help so that puts you in an impossible situation.

But think of it this way. Yes, you feel sad. But it's better to leave now and feel sad then to stay because of some misguided notion that you can change things. Because, unfortunately, your attempts to help will fail, you will completely waste your time, and when you do leave you will feel homicidal. The rage you will experience will feel much worse than the sadness of today.
Save yourself. Leave and do not get ensnared in his web of insanity. I am so sorry.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

I have a friend whom I liked, but who was always complaining about her husband. Gotten closer to all of them in the last year as marriage spiraled into chaos. Realized recently that SHE very likely has NPD and have done a complete turn around on my feelings. I was her friend, but my total sympathy now lies with her husband. She has refused all good advice and quit couples therapy after just a couple weeks because it wasn't working. Took kids out of their therapy. Nearly abandoned them last week (I did manage to talk her out of that for now). I told her husband that at this point he should start making plans to get out. His therapist, while refusing to make a definition since she isn't his patient suggested he read about Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When she saw him reading about it online she went ballistic of course...

Meant to say that I would consult a doctor/therapist and if it is truly NPD I would just find a lawyer and move on as best you can. Why ruin your life?

 

[mistymama]

Oh my - I'm so sorry. I was married to, and spent 10 years with a man who had a personality disorder. It was pure hell - and I didn't even realize the extent of that hell until I got out.

To be honest - I would be making plans to leave. True personality disorders rarely change because they don't see the need - it's never them, it's always everyone else. My x would say the right things (to manupilate and keep me in the relationship) but if I paid attention to his actions, never, ever could he keep up that end.

Anyway, divorcing him was the best thing I could have ever done - even as hard as it was. He moved away, didn't visit our son and a few years later willingly gave up his parental rights so dh could adopt. Sad, but he didn't have the capacity to love anyone but himself.

If you need to talk, pm me anytime.

 

[katie9143]

he claims to have all these friends in his past....exs, friends from old jobs, college, etc.....but i have never met these ppl and since i have known him for about 5 yrs, it just seems like he really has no friends. i did meet one friend of his way back at his old job when we first started dating. this man had a totally opposite personality to dh and i wondered how dh could be his friend since he had judged friends of mine with similar traits. i talked to this guy once while dh was on a call and when he came back and found us happily chatting and getting along well he was furious. since then other than people we see in passing who just wave or say a quick hello dh has no real friends. my friends dont like him and he claims that he is too busy for friends and the in his line of work friends are liabilities. he claims to be involved with some ultra secret military field (i know he does fly planes) and that the more friends he has that could be nosey it could get him in trouble. sometimes the things he says make me think of that movie "a beautiful mind".....i really dont think he is that crazy.....but i have always felt like he was lying to me.

in the thread where bigeyes was doing some readings in tao i asked her if she thought he was lying to me either about his work or his personal life and she said no - she thought that yes he indeed tended to exagerate, but not lie.

i really dont know what to think. now reading all your responses, it seems like no one feels like there is any hope for him. its so sad because he is such a smart man, which is what attracted me to him in the first place. he has been to so many places and has so much knowledge to share. i really thought he had the makings of such an awesome dad...

 

[LionTigerBear]

Well, this is very controversial, but . . .

there is a site called www.narcissismcured.com which is designed for spouses of narcissists who want to "cure" their spouses. She uses hypnosis, I believe, among other things-- I have no first-hand knowledge of how the program works. It is very controversial since supposedly there is no cure for narcissism. However, this program was invented by a woman who refused to "give up on" her husband and she claims it worked for him and for others. So I guess you could look at that. Maintain a healthy dose of skepticism, though.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Mosaic]

People with NPD are not bad people. They can be exceedingly charming and downright endearing, not to mention bright, creative, knowledgeable... the list goes on and on.

My FIL has NPD, but he is a a well-travelled lawyer and entrepreneur. That said, the only thing that has made him tolerable is the fact that he lives on another continent. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but so much of what the other ladies said rings true to me as well. NPD is such a powerful disorder, it can turn even someone with so much promise into a cruel, hurtful, damaging, selfish, intolerable, manipulative person. His influence in DH's life, as a father and as a person, has been at least 80% negative and damaging. I'm sorry.

 

[GoBecGo]

I had a friend with a personality disorder (histrionic in case anyone wants to know). I ended up having to cut her out of my life because i felt DD was in real danger of being adversely affected by her craziness. I miss her though, she was at DD's birth and was a great friend to me at times, truly wonderful. But she couldn't NOT be her and i couldn't risk DD so eventually i told her i couldn't be her friend unless she got the help she needed (after a particularly tough night phoning hospitals/the police/ambulances because i was stuck home with my baby (i was a single mom in those days) and she'd called, threatened suicide, and hung up and i had to have the emergency sevices track her down all over the city and when they found her she told them how crazy i was and how she worried how safe my daughter was in my care because i make up stories) and she simply vanished and never contacted me again.

I really feel for anyone having to deal with a person like this. It's so so hard. OP -

 

[katie9143]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mosaic People with NPD are not bad people. They can be exceedingly charming and downright endearing, not to mention bright, creative, knowledgeable... the list goes on and on. My FIL has NPD, but he is a a well-travelled lawyer and entrepreneur. That said, the only thing that has made him tolerable is the fact that he lives on another continent. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but so much of what the other ladies said rings true to me as well. NPD is such a powerful disorder, it can turn even someone with so much promise into a cruel, hurtful, damaging, selfish, intolerable, manipulative person. His influence in DH's life, as a father and as a person, has been at least 80% negative and damaging. I'm sorry.

hmm.....i havent looked at this yet, i will when dd falls asleep on me in a few mins.

im assuming that part of this woman's technique is actually telling the person that you are 98% sure that they have a personality disorder huh?

 

[LionTigerBear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by katie9143 hmm.....i havent looked at this yet, i will when dd falls asleep on me in a few mins. im assuming that part of this woman's technique is actually telling the person that you are 98% sure that they have a personality disorder huh?

No, not at all. She urges you not to tell them anything at first, at least until you've read her book. (I haven't read the book so after that, I don't know!) She also tells you to stop trying to be nice to them, and to stop relying on them to meet your emotional needs for the time being (and will help walk you through actually doing this). Basically you have to kind of disconnect from them a bit, emotionally. Not forever, though. Sorry I can't tell you too much about it since I haven't been through it.

 

[katie9143]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear No, not at all. She urges you not to tell them anything at first, at least until you've read her book. (I haven't read the book so after that, I don't know!) She also tells you to stop trying to be nice to them, and to stop relying on them to meet your emotional needs for the time being (and will help walk you through actually doing this). Basically you have to kind of disconnect from them a bit, emotionally. Not forever, though. Sorry I can't tell you too much about it since I haven't been through it.

wow thanks.....came back to check out the link now that im a toddler bed

 

[katie9143]

well.........it just sounds so amateur-y and sales-y.........i just dont know. coming from a background of internet advertising and working with some start ups of legit alternatives i should be more open minded.....right? plus if i bought the ebook, dh would surely see it in my bank accout and investigate.

 

[Rosehip]

Honestly, no credible psychiatric or psychological source gives anything for the poorest of prognoses for personality disorders.

I don't think any of us are saying your H definitely DOES have NPD (here's hoping he does not), just sharing our experiences. And they are grim. Extremely grim. My X also had a "very important job" that took precedence over everything - including his family. I'm so over that. If President Obama can find time to go to church and hang out with his wife & daughters, and if transplant surgeons can find the energy and time to be nice to their wives, well...

Coming to terms with the fact that I was solely an object to be used, his narcissistic "source," was by far the hardest part of the divorce process for me. I've realized he was never a friend, he was never trustworthy, and there was never a real relationship. It had always been a monologue, with me doing all the talking, and he would occasionally agree with me to appease me. All the things that made me fall in love with him - it was all a facade. There was no depth.

Also, are you saying that you don't know what your husband does for work? Do you know who his employer is? Can you contact him when he is at work? This is worrisome. What are you worried would happen if he saw that you ordered the narcissism book? Do YOU have any friends/relatives you're in regular contact with? I found that for a variety of reasons, when I was with X, I ended up isolating myself. It was the worst thing for me (and my kids). Do you have access to, and free use of the money?

 

[katie9143]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToastyToes Honestly, no credible psychiatric or psychological source gives anything for the poorest of prognoses for personality disorders. I don't think any of us are saying your H definitely DOES have NPD (here's hoping he does not), just sharing our experiences. And they are grim. Extremely grim. My X also had a "very important job" that took precedence over everything - including his family. I'm so over that. If President Obama can find time to go to church and hang out with his wife & daughters, and if transplant surgeons can find the energy and time to be nice to their wives, well... Coming to terms with the fact that I was solely an object to be used, his narcissistic "source," was by far the hardest part of the divorce process for me. I've realized he was never a friend, he was never trustworthy, and there was never a real relationship. It had always been a monologue, with me doing all the talking, and he would occasionally agree with me to appease me. All the things that made me fall in love with him - it was all a facade. There was no depth. Also, are you saying that you don't know what your husband does for work? Do you know who his employer is? Can you contact him when he is at work? This is worrisome. What are you worried would happen if he saw that you ordered the narcissism book? Do YOU have any friends/relatives you're in regular contact with? I found that for a variety of reasons, when I was with X, I ended up isolating myself. It was the worst thing for me (and my kids). Do you have access to, and free use of the money?

his primary job, day job, yes - is a local company. i have been there, can contact him and all that. in addition, he is in the military. he is a pilot and he tells me is also part of some top secret programs....open ended - he just was promoted to lt. col. at age 31......quite an accomplishment apparently. really just gives him more fuel to act like he is gods gift and i should kiss his a$$.

i have lots of friends and relatives, he is jealous, but could never keep me from them. i do not have access to his money, i make a nominal amount myself and that is mine, he pays the bills. if i ever felt in physical danger for either dd or myself my parents would help me. i am well educated and own my own house still and dont plan on getting rid of it anytime soon.

if he thought i ordered book about a potential mental disorder that i thought he had, he would laugh. he would try and make me feel stupid or crazy....all the typical npd reactions, but i dont really worry about him becoming violent. im more likely to slug him actually.

so you think this lady's book is bogus? i figure i try an do her plan and if it has no effect then im no worse off than i am right now....right?

 

[LionTigerBear]

If I were in your shoes and I could afford it I think I would buy it and just take a look at it. But that's just me. I'm curious and willing to consider options outside the mainstream. As far as her book goes, I kind of tend to wonder if it only applies to partners who have some narcissistic traits-- maybe not full NPD-- you know? But I don't know. It's hard to analyze it without knowing what's in it.

: I f you do order it let me know what you think.