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dh wants me to take a bottle for when we go out

674 Views 19 Replies 18 Participants Last post by  DreamsInDigital
this has really never come up yet (ds3 is 3 months old) b/c we really haven't gone anywhere that he cares. but we are going out with some friends in the next week, dsd has a play she has teh leading role in, etc.

i have always NIP and dh most of the time doesnt even notice (entire shoppig experience and he was oblivious) but now he wants me to take a bottle for the baby to these 2 outings i just described.

i just dont want to. i dont want to make him uncomfortable, but i am just right now of the opinion that i shouldnt hvae to put my milk in a bottle. its not what ds3 is used to and i think its b.s. that i should have to conform. on the other hand, i really dont want to fight with dh.

this isnt an issue re: nipple confusion b/c we have a very good nursing r/s and one or two bottles is not going to affect him (he's had 3-4 so far, but doesnt' really love it).

what would you say to your dh without being snippy, bitchy (i CAN be that), etc.??? im just trying to get him to understand my/our point of view.

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I wouldn't. Nipple confusion can happen at any time. Also, do you really want to mess with trying to find someplace to warm the milk, keep the milk cool, make sure you bring enough, make sure that he won't snub it, etc? It's way too much work. It also sends a message that breastfeeding is wrong and gross. Do you really want to send that message? You have nothing to be ashamed about.
You'd also have to pump while the baby was having the bottle. Are you going to sit there in the restaurant and theater pumping, or go sit in the car? Might as well go sit in the car and feed the baby, in that case. Does he really want to exile you to the car (or gag, the bathroom)? Maybe present it like that.
Well, communication is always the answer. I think the best way to get a DH to listen to you, is to listen to him first - in the same, sincere, open way that you would like him to listen to you.

Tell him you noticed he was uncomfortable with the idea of NIP for those two occassions, though he didn't seem to be for other occassions. Try to find out what the difference is for him - and do that genuinely, not as part of an argument. If he shrugs it off, assure him that you want to work this out and try to get to the real reason. Don't just listen to his first response, and then jump in with your point of view; stick with it until you feel you have heard and understood how he feels.

Then it's your turn. Based on what his real reason is, see if you can compromise (by compromise I don't mean that you won't nurse - but maybe there is a specific outfit that you have that he thinks is especially discreet that you could agree to wear, or you can arrange to sit in a certain location he's more comfortable with, etc.). You can point out that you are very discreet, and you aren't sure how successful you'll be with a bottle anyway, and baby might cry during the play (I know mine would, if I tried to give her a bottle). Or whatever it is that you want to say.

Hope that helps.
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It isn't logical to take a bottle on outings if you can bf instead. You make so much additional work:

-sterilizing and setting up the pump
-time to pump
-milk storage
-bottle sterilization
-prepping bottle to go
-one more thing to pack and carry
-making sure it's the right temp (can you warm a bottle in the middle of a play??)
-the resulting dishes to be washed -- bottle and pump and all those little pieces

At least, that's how I would break it down in dh had asked me to do that.
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This may help put it into perspective for him if you describe it this way. Ok if I take a bottle it will have to be kept in a cooling thing cause bm once it reaches room temp after being cold has to be used within a few hours. Were will you be able to find a place to warm the milk back up to body temp?(if it isnt the right temp baby may refuse it plus it will very likely cause a tummy ach) U cannot warm bm in the microwave by the way so that is out. I once tried warming bm under a tap at church for my dd when she was a few months old and it the water temp wasnt high enough to warm it and what little it did took over 20min. once u get it just the right temp and baby only takes a drink or 2 then stops u have to go thru the rewarming again if he wants more milk.

Compaired to baby gets hungry, mom nurses baby, mom and baby both happy no one is up looking for a way to warm a bottle. Baby isnt in hysterics waiting for the person who is warming the bottle. etc.

Easy choice there.

Something else to consider if u are like me when my kids were that age if I skipped a feed I would get badly ingorged and in pain with boobs like rocks.
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thanks mamas. i just need some feedback other than "go tell him to jump off a bridge".
sometimes i am such a huge advocate about things that i just get into the mindset of "im not going to do taht" instead of listening to him...and that doesnt do either of us any good.
he is definitely old school and his ex didnt bf (i havent asked, but im pretty sure thats true from things he's said, etc.).
he has been really good (thus far) with things and i hope to convince him that there is nothing wrong with me being in a nice restaurant bf'ing. or that his ex may notice the babe is awful quiet and sticking his head up my shirt (like i give a crap about her anyway).
he just cares much more about what other ppl think..i care more about changing the way ppl think!

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I always took a bottle with me when I went out with the baby.

A water bottle. For me. Nursing makes me thirsty!
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Originally Posted by Ruthla
I always took a bottle with me when I went out with the baby.

A water bottle. For me. Nursing makes me thirsty!

Holy dehydration, me too!!
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My dh had a problem with my NIP when our baby was first born. Part of it, I think, was that he still saw my breasts as "his," though those times have passed. But he's still really big on my covering up with a shawl or something, though I personally couldn't care less. And now that ds is starting to get really good with his hands, the shawl isn't working out so well. He wants to see what's going on when he's eating!!

Anyway, I don't have any other suggestions, I think the PP are good. Just offering some sympathy, and sending some good vibes your way. Hoping dh comes out of it.

Tresa, mommy to Logan, 5.5mos
"...he just cares much more about what other ppl think..i care more about changing the way ppl think!"

This is one of the best quotes I've read! I feel exactly the same way about life as you do.
I would tell him that if he wants to grow boobies and pump for the baby, he can go right ahead, but while i'm producing food, i'll feed the baby however i please.
I would tell him that you can lose your supply and dry up if you dont nurse. Guys don't sit around and talk about bf so whatever you tell him is what he is going to beleive. It's not that you are lying, it's just that you are talking long term. If you do bring a bottle once, it will turn into every outting he wants you to bring a bottle, so therefore it wont be even stretching the truth.

I do bring a bottle if I go out to eat because it's easier for me to feed dd with a bottle when we first sit down and eat, then I get to eat my meal in peace. Everytime my mother hears of this I get the "You are going to dry up if you do that" speach.
just to clarify this babe is 3 months old and we haven't gone to dinner together yet...can you tell this isnt something we do often?

i am really looking for comments to make to my dh that wont piss him off.

i have a defensive personality that comes across loud and clear...anything along the lines of "when you start lactating..." will prob. be met with major resistence and create an argument i would rather avoid.

we are going to dinner for FUN, kwim?
Just explain to DH, you will still be prodecing milk and might leak/letdown while feeding babe, then you could soak your clothes and ruin your evening...or would need to leave to pump....and all the extra work etc. and explain to him you are so discreet he has never noticed and he knows you bf so others are less likely to notice.
So sorry your Dh is being this way, once DH asked me if "I" wanted to take a bottle b/c he sincerely thought it would be easier, but when I asked whats easier than taking nothing extra and no prep he never considered it again. Maybe your dh just Thinks it would be easier, but has not considered the prep/pumping etc....after all HIS breasts have never been full and leaking
I don't even know how to comment from a Dad's perspective in a helpful way. It's just so natural and right to nurse, instead of bottle feed. It's a total non-issue for me with my wife. She's been nursing for 4.5 years now straight and we don't even have any bottles in the house at all.
I'd just have a heart to heart with him. Ask him why he wants you to do it and explain how you feel.

In all honesty I can't think of a situation where I'd relent and use a bottle. The more people see it (if they even notice) the more normal it will become and I kind of feel a responsibility to make that happen.
I'd just say hey... it's inconvenient for me and I don't want to bother with it when the baby can get it straight from the tap.

My friend was dating a guy who would have been freaked out by nursing so she sorta in a roundabout way said maybe we should wait until ds weaned and I said whatever works... by the time ds weaned a year later (at 32mo) she wasn't dating that guy anymore.
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My hubby was nervous about me nursing in front of his friends when we had our first baby. I think he was afraid his single guy friends would see his wife, and he was just being protective. I never had a problem nursing in public, though. I practiced nursing discreetly in front of him at home so he could be sure I wasn't going to flash anybody, then he was fine with it. So, it really wasn't the nursing that scared him, it was just the possibility of me being exposed to his piggish single friends! Maybe if he is assured you won't be uncovered and flashing everyone he would be more supportive? I hope this helps!

BTW, I've nursed two babies now, and my DH doen't even flinch when I pull out the milkmakers for the babes!
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I think I'd try to address his individual concerns. Is he concerned someone might see your breast? Maybe wear a nursing top. Is he concerned someone might be offended? Express to him your desire to make nursing in public a more common sight so people will see it's natural. Let him know that giving a breastfed baby a bottle could potentially cause a problem because said baby may refuse the bottle altogether and cry until you give in and have to nurse him anyway.
And let him know that nursing in public is protected by law in most states!
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