Mothering Forum banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,816 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dh told me last night that he wants to start spanking. We've tried it my way for almost 4 years and it's not working, so he thinks we've given my way enough time. I admit that ds is out of control, but I've been trying. It's been hard because I've had 3 surgeries in the past 6 months, and then we have moved 5 times in the last 4 years, so our lives have been crazy and unpredictable. I don't know how to parent because I don't have any examples IRL and my parents were really horrible at parenting (when they were around). I've read a bunch of gentle parenting books, and they make sense, they just don't work with my ds, or maybe I'm not doing it right, or maybe we are expecting too much. Dh's mom spanked them so to him it's not that big of a deal.<br>
Life is just crazy at our house, we live with my mom and she is constantly asking me what is wrong with ds, does he have mental problems. I know he is only 3 but he probably can understand that grandma thinks there is something wrong with him. I really don't want Dh to start spanking <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: but I don't know what to do. Ds has some serious anger problems, he is always screaming, yelling, hitting everyone, throwing things, snatching things away from us, thowing huge temper tantrums where he rolls on the floor screaming for about 30 minutes. 90% of our day is spent with ds acting like that.<br>
Anyway I don't even know why I'm posting, I feel like there is no solution <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
361 Posts
I couldn't read without posting. We have been having the same situation at my house-same age, same behaviors, dh has same idea.<br>
I too feel like most of some days are spent 'dealing' with ds. We also have a dd and she is picking up some of his behaviors (like hitting, screaming and spitting). Sooo frustrating.<br>
Some days are easier than others, and I can't seem to pin point why.<br><br>
Ds is sensitive to wheat and I do think that plays a part. We do avoid it, but it is still in the grain vinegar used in mayo, mustard and ketchup. I want to believe that that small an amount couldn't be a factor, but...<br><br>
Getting enough protein helps, if I can get ds to eat any protein at all. I amy have told him once that protein might help him settle down, and now in his defiance, he refuses it.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Outside time and exercise and sleep are huge factors.<br><br>
I guess I find that when I am organized and have the day planned out (as in, meals/snacks he will eat, well timed outside time followed by a ride in the car so he will sleep and lots of handy art or book activities thoughout the day)things go a little better sometimes. Of course there are days when I do have eto do dishes, cook and do laundry and those are harder days. He seems to need so much one-on-one time and i give and give, but it never seems like enough.<br><br>
Anyway, one thing I did when dh wanted to start spanking (your way isn't working, etc-BTW how can they put all the responsbility on us for the last 4 years without understanding that possibly their lack of parenting/discipline during that time could be a big factor?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: ). I told him I wanted to be in a family that did not hit one another. I also said that his relationship with ds is his and that ds really needs more one-on-one with him. They could spend that 'special' time with spanking,etc (ie. any time is 'good' time to ds), but maybe setting some time aside everyday for 'daddy time' could give ds what he is looking for and trying to get with these behaviors. He has been doing it and I do think it has been helping.<br><br>
Also, I try to find playmates for him that won't put up with it. I mean I am attentive when they are playing, but a strong willed kid that will tell him 'don't do that' seems to help him understand. Wrestling helps too.<br><br>
Boy, it is hard. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,816 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the reply, it really helps to know I'm not the only one.<br><br>
I think that ds needs more interaction with other kids, but we live out in the country and only have one vehicle that Dh takes most days. I'm hoping that we can get outside more and he can run off his energy.<br><br>
I was also thinking that maybe ds has some food issues. I want to do an elimination diet, but my mom won't help me out, she gives ds whatever he wants to eat even when I ask her not too.<br><br>
I try to tell Dh to spend more time with the boys, and he's been trying to spend at least 30 min. to an hour a night playing with them, but lately he hasn't been able to because he's been having to do all the cooking and housework until I recover from the latest surgery.<br><br>
I wonder if some of it is the age too? Are 4 year old boys just crazy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
it sounds like everyone is struggling to control things that they can't really control. They feel powerless about the situation, so they lash out.<br><br>
I am not trying to generalize, judge, or pretend I know how things are, but from what I read it sounds like you have two big-ole power strugglers on your hands.<br><br>
personally here is what I would do:<br><br>
DS)Stop trying to control DS, today. You cannot control people, all you can do is react and communicate. 3 year olds are like mini teenagers. They have just realized that they are a really a person with independance. It is harder for the parents to realize this than it is for the kid.<br><br>
You can jumpstart the gradual process of moving from the power struggle cycle with a "yes" day. You can decide if you will tell him the rules: If nobody will get hurt and we can afford it, the answer is yes. Or you can do it without his knowledge. If you dont want to go that extreme or want to go slower, maybe just start trying to internally evaluate each request/command/direction you give to DS before you verbalize it. Ask yourself: "is it really important that he do X" "am I forcing an issue that won't matter in 5 minutes?"<br><br>
Your Mother)I would explain logically and calmly each time she asks that "He feels like he can't control anything in his life besides the tantrums, so he keeps throwing them. Thats why we are working on giving him more choices, more fredom, more real decision making opportunities. It is really counterproductive for the adults in his life to constantly second guess him."<br><br>
DH) Let DH know that this is a no compromise issue. He obviously does not take this seriously enough. Use strong and certain words and do not leave room for arguement. "Nobody will hit our children. There is no circumstance where I would find that acceptable, we need to work together on a real solution, not just one that will put fear into DS." It seems like the last thing DS needs is an example of a much higher impact method of lashing out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,348 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~Jenna~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7966816"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">our lives have been crazy and unpredictable.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
The first step I would take is to make your life predictable--kids thrive on the stability of routine. Write a simple daily schedule on a large piece of poster board and put it on the wall.<br><br>
Kids often act "wrong" when they don't feel right, so I'd look at his diet; make sure he's getting enough sleep and exercise; make sure he's not bored (how stimulating are his days?) or overstimulated (too much tv?); does he get enough attention?<br><br>
There is a good book by Mary Sheedy kurcinka titled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving-Missing%2Fdp%2F006073602X%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F104-1685277-9655152%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1177681351%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Sleepless in America: is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?</a> "Sound sleep is the foundation of good behavior," Kurcinka says, warning parents that temper tantrums, irritability, screaming-bed-jumping-freak-outs and other unwanted behaviors can be scaled back dramatically if parents ensure their kids get enough sleep.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I wonder if some of it is the age too? Are 4 year old boys just crazy?</td>
</tr></table></div>
3 1/2 to 4 is a difficult age.<br><br>
eta-- Letting go of the idea that you can or should control ds is good advice from Shaggydaddy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
It's normal (if annoying) for kids this age to have tantrums. The best way to reduce them is to create structure and routine, and to meet his needs for nutritious food, sleep, and exercise. Hitting is not an effective way to stop a child from crying. (This is only logical. Hitting hurts, and when you hurt, you cry.)<br><br>
Sleep is critical. It's important to have a nice space to sleep, nice sleep routines, and good ways to relax. Even if he sleeps better without a nap at this age, you can give him quiet time at nap time to good effect.<br><br>
Moving a lot freaks little kids out. (I did research of the effects of homelessness on children this age and it can actually slow down normally developing children.) Mom having surgery? That's got to be a trauma. You have listed all the reasons for the tantrums and trouble with self control. They are really obvious. You have to reverse the effects of that instability and insecurity by making him feel very secure.<br><br>
To reduce the tantruming, get up at the same time every day. Have a nap (if he still naps, some do and some don't at that age) at the same time every day. If no nap, then quiet time. Have three meals and two or three snacks. (The snacks should be things you would eat at a meal, not "snack food.") Have dinner, a bath and bedtime, every day. Read him stories, and don't be afraid to read the same ones that he always asks for. If you can take him out to the public library once a week, to a park or playground, a playgroup, or another special activity, do it. Little kids need food, sleep, and play, routine, structure and reliable closeness and attention. The less TV and the more reading and playing, the better.<br><br>
I hope you are well now and your housing situation is stable. It's really hard to do this parenting thing when everything is perfect--those things make it super difficult.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
34,292 Posts
This may sound flippant, and I don't mean it to, but what will he want to try if (and when) spanking doesn't "work"? I think this is one of the worst possible reasons to spank, because it can only escalate. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,157 Posts
Mama, I don't have good advice for you on how to handle your son.<br><br>
But it is imperative that your dh understand that hitting a child who is dealing with all these emotions will likely only make it worse.<br>
Hitting him is going to get you nowhere, and you will be right back where you started.<br><br>
Good luck to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,419 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnysideup</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967221"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The first step I would take is to make your life predictable--kids thrive on the stability of routine. Write a simple daily schedule on a large piece of poster board and put it on the wall.<br><br>
Kids often act "wrong" when they don't feel right, so I'd look at his diet; make sure he's getting enough sleep and exercise; make sure he's not bored (how stimulating are his days?) or overstimulated (too much tv?); does he get enough attention?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree. Step one: very strong routine. Calm days, enough exercise, good food, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,816 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ShaggyDaddy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967173"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">it sounds like everyone is struggling to control things that they can't really control. They feel powerless about the situation, so they lash out.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think you are very, very right about this. I *am* trying to control ds.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Ask yourself: "is it really important that he do X" "am I forcing an issue that won't matter in 5 minutes?"</td>
</tr></table></div>
I try to do this now, the problem is it seems like most of what he wants to do really does matter, and I think that's because he wants attention.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Your Mother)I would explain logically and calmly each time she asks that "He feels like he can't control anything in his life besides the tantrums, so he keeps throwing them. Thats why we are working on giving him more choices, more fredom, more real decision making opportunities. It is really counterproductive for the adults in his life to constantly second guess him."</td>
</tr></table></div>
This is a good idea. She is actually fighting with him as I write this response <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> .<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">DH) Let DH know that this is a no compromise issue. .</td>
</tr></table></div>
I wish it were, but I can't control what he does really. I can tell him how important it is to me, but what I can I really do if he decides to spank anyway?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnysideup</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967221"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The first step I would take is to make your life predictable--kids thrive on the stability of routine. Write a simple daily schedule on a large piece of poster board and put it on the wall.<br><br>
Kids often act "wrong" when they don't feel right, so I'd look at his diet; make sure he's getting enough sleep and exercise; make sure he's not bored (how stimulating are his days?) or overstimulated (too much tv?); does he get enough attention?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think you are right about stability. He watches waaay to much tv. I just gave up fighting him over it. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and watch tv. It's a habit he picked up because I'm having a hard time thinking of things for him to do while I have to recover. It's not fair to him <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">There is a good book by Mary Sheedy kurcinka titled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving-Missing%2Fdp%2F006073602X%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F104-1685277-9655152%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1177681351%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Sleepless in America: is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?</a> "Sound sleep is the foundation of good behavior," Kurcinka says, warning parents that temper tantrums, irritability, screaming-bed-jumping-freak-outs and other unwanted behaviors can be scaled back dramatically if parents ensure their kids get enough sleep.</td>
</tr></table></div>
He has not been sleeping well at all either. We are transitioning him to his own bed and he does not like it at all. His bed is right up against ours so I can't figure out why he's so upset about it. Maybe because his little brother gets to stay in bed with us?<br><br>
I've got to go to the dr. right now, but I want to reply to other stuff when I get back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,808 Posts
I agree with what has already been written and I can see that you're very open to it, so I only wanted to add that there are some recovering spankers on the board who will tell you that spanking doesn't 'work' at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
With my dh, I had to ask him to re-evaluate what we think 'working' means. We gave up the illusion of control and there are a lot of challenges living with an almost four yr old still. I don't think hitting him would make them go away; we'd just have a broken relationship instead. Your dh seems to think spanking is okay because he's 'fine', but I would ask him in light of the obvious conflicts in your home with his mum, whether he is really 'fine', as in, does he have a loving, connected relationship with his mum, are they able to really <i>see</i> each other and respect one another, showing compassion, etc...<br><br>
That your husband is even considering hitting your son as a solution to ds's struggles and assertion of himself seems to indicate that maybe your dh <i>isn't</i> 'fine'. Or maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it looks like.<br><br>
Maybe addressing dh's relationship with his mum and how it has turned out would be a way to get through to him, even if he thinks it's fine- you can assert that that is not the relationship that <i>you</i> want with your son!<br><br>
Anyway, I've probably completely overstepped... ignore me if you have to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> , but please write again. This is a serious issue.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
34,292 Posts
I was thinking, because I saw the "good Catholic girl" in your senior title--there is an excellent book by Gregory Popcak called "Parenting with Grace: The Catholic parent's guide to raising (practically) perfect kids." It is one of my all-time favorite AP gentle discipline parenting books in the universe. Lots of humor, totally anti-spanking, but still from a Catholic point of view.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,270 Posts
I have to be brief, but I'll just reiterate what some PPs have said.<br><br>
1. Schedule, schedule, schedule! Make it simple and clear - take photos and make a picture schedule so he knows what is happening. Stick to simple routine activities with a few that change each day.<br><br>
2. Frequent, routine eating times, and rest times. I am not a Waldorf person but I have worked at a Waldorf school and I think the idea of "breathing in, and breathing out" times alternated are really important so you alternate between doing quiet activities alone or together with moving about and interacting, etc.<br><br>
3. Have specific TV times on the schedule and unplug it the rest of the time.<br><br>
4. Since it sounds like you are physically recovering and may need to rest a lot, look at your library online, if you can, for rainy day activities for kids, and other art activity books geared towards your son's age. Also look at simple movement games that you could do with him inside, even if you are lying down. Stuff like treasure hunts, eye spy, getting some brown craft paper and making big murals, pictures with him. Water play with kitchen tools, some dishsoap, and some food coloring entertains some of my students for hours.<br><br>
5. Have him join you for some routine household chores where he has important jobs to do. Try doing things like timing how long it takes to put all the clean silverware away (you could take the silverware container out of the drawer so it's easier for him) or have him sort clean laundry by size (it can be fun to look at the itty bitty socks or undies versus the big ones). Figure out thing you can do like that in which you can sit down and rest but still interact with him while doing them.<br><br>
6. Talk to your mom about the elimination diet. she probably has no idea about it. She is concerned about his behavior - this is a specific thing you are doing to figure out food allergies that may be contributing to his behavior issues.<br><br>
7. Set aside some special time with him during the day.<br><br>
8. New baby brother, who gets to sleep in bed with you and Dh, while he has to move to a separate bed. Of course he is having sleep issues - that's two big changes at once.<br><br>
9. Not spending time with Daddy is also going to cause problems, and esp. if Daddy is trying to discipline him and it's not working - well if he doesn't ever see or spend time with his Dad, he's not going to listen to him. And spanking will just make that even worse. There needs to be Daddy time on the schedule that happens every night no matter what chores need to be done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
323 Posts
i second the pp about reading Sleepless in America. it really is a great book and given what you've posted, could really help you and your dh to bring more stability to your lives as an alternative to spanking. but i would strongly insist that your dh read it as well--i know it's difficult sometimes getting our partners to "buy into" what we're "selling," but it's easier if they have access to the same information.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,307 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">s mama. I hope you can find a way to have a more peaceful time with ds and prevent dh from following through on his plan, which can only make things worse.<br><br>
~Tracy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,596 Posts
Any ONE of the things you have described -- your surgeries, the frequent moving, living with your mom, watching a lot of television -- would turn either of my kids temporarily into wild men. Stress has this impact on children.<br><br>
Until you can get a handle on life and set down some sort of predictability, you can't really expect big changes from your son's behavior. No matter how you discipline. It is sad for any child to be spanked, but for DH to begin spanking him ON TOP of all the other stress -- would just be too much for the poor kid. Just a really bad idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,816 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>captain optimism</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967363"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hitting is not an effective way to stop a child from crying. (This is only logical. Hitting hurts, and when you hurt, you cry.)</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This is something I've tried to explain to Dh because he thinks ds is overly dramatic.<br><br>
Moving a lot freaks little kids out. (I did research of the effects of homelessness on children this age and it can actually slow down normally developing children.) [/qoute]<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> That is awful. I hate it that we have had to move so much, and sometimes with almost no notice. It sucks being poor, but I think we are finally in a place we will be for a while.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>annettemarie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967377"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This may sound flippant, and I don't mean it to, but what will he want to try if (and when) spanking doesn't "work"? I think this is one of the worst possible reasons to spank, because it can only escalate. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I need to ask Dh about that. He says he thnks that a swat or two will finally get ds's attention, but how will he react if it doesn't? I'll try to see if our library has the Popcak book. We are very religious. I wish the Church would say that spanking was a grave sin, I know Dh would pay attention to that.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Hoopin' Mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967448"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hitting him is going to get you nowhere, and you will be right back where you started.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think you are right.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PreggieUBA2C</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7968266"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree with what has already been written and I can see that you're very open to it, so I only wanted to add that there are some recovering spankers on the board who will tell you that spanking doesn't 'work' at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
It helps to hear from those that have BTDT. I know people that spank IRL, and I notice it doesn't work, my cousin's dd will say, 'so what spank me I don't care, I'll hit you back' and she is 7.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Maybe addressing dh's relationship with his mum and how it has turned out would be a way to get through to him, even if he thinks it's fine- you can assert that that is not the relationship that <i>you</i> want with your son!</td>
</tr></table></div>
That might work but Dh has a good relationship with his mom. They get along great and when we lived near her we spent every weekend at her house.<br><br>
PikkuMyy, I think you have a lot of good ideas. Thank you!<br><br>
So I turned off the tv when I got home today, but ds just went in g-ma's room to watch it with her. I wish I could have explained to him what I was doing but I can't talk (that problem should be better in a few days though.)<br>
One of my biggest problems is my mom. She will sit and agree with me, everything I say, but do what she was doing anyway. I will tell her or ask her to do/not do something sometimes 4 or 5 times and it doesn't make a difference. And to make everything even better, my mom and Dh can't stand each other. When Dh comes home the energy in the house changes for the worst. The minute he walks in the door, she goes to her room and shuts the door.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,816 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamaduck</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7971467"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Any ONE of the things you have described -- your surgeries, the frequent moving, living with your mom, watching a lot of television -- would turn either of my kids temporarily into wild men. Stress has this impact on children.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
It helps to know that I'm expecting too much. I grew up moving all the time, my mom was in and out of jail all the time, my dad had a new girlfriend every other week, sometimes we lived with my g-parents, so in my mind our lives now seem stable from my world view. The things that have been suggested don't seem all that hard so I'm going to ask Dh to try that first. Everyone has been sooo helpfull. I appreciate it so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
<a href="http://www.aap.org/advocacy/childhealthmonth/spank.htm" target="_blank">http://www.aap.org/advocacy/childhealthmonth/spank.htm</a><br><br><a href="http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/pediatrics;101/4/723.pdf" target="_blank">http://aappolicy.aappublications.org...;101/4/723.pdf</a><br><br><a href="http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin1.htm" target="_blank">http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin1.htm</a>
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top