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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well that about sums it up. Lately dd has been going to bed pretty well, but not sleeping well. She's been waking up all night long, fussing, and being a general pain. (You've no doubt read about all of it in other posts)<br><br>
Anyway, DH wants to have her CIO so that she will learn to self-soothe and I just think it's wrong. She's only 5 mos old and I feel very strongly that she will learn to self-soothe when she's ready. I don't like that she keeps waking up, of course, but I don't see what CIO is going to do that would be beneficial.<br><br>
Long story short, we have very different views on this and keep arguing about it. I keep telling him to research more sites/books and he is resistant.<br><br>
What can I do so that we are on the same page? Or at least an amiable compromise?
 

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We had this discussion about 6 years ago and decided to let ds CIO with dh b/c that's what everyone told us to do. So, I hid in the basement and 5 mins later they both came downstairs and dh was in tears and said that was the most horrible thing he'd ever done.<br>
So, we've happily coslept since although they've been on the "big boy bed" next to ours for the last couple of years.<br><br>
So, I have no advice but maybe have him consider what CIO actually means physically. Would he be able to sit and watch????
 

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What would you say if he wanted to hit her to teach her to sleep? Just absolutely put your foot down. Make him understand how horrible it is.<br><br>
She is JUST 5 months. A baby. A young baby. She is not being a pain. She is being a baby.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yes - it doesn't bother him nearly as much to listen to her cry.<br><br>
And yes, I have told him I don't find it acceptable, it is one of our major points of contention within the relationship. I am tired of the arguing - I want us to be able to agree on this and it just seems like we can't. Our house is more and more stressful come bedtime every night and it seems to me like he is going to end up being an unwilling participant in the nighttime routine because he disagrees with my methods.<br><br>
Maybe we just have to agree to disagree .... but really, any suggestions would be so helpful.
 

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First I would try to figure out why your little one is in pain, I do know that cry too well, it's heartbreaking. if you identify that cry as pain, it problably is<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
If I were in the same situation I would simply say that " i'm going to follow my instincts that god gave me when I became a mother" It feels wrong to just let her cry, she's crying because she needs (comforting, fed, etc...) and stick to my guns. If that didn't work, I think DH could CIO everynight on the couch<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Kailey's mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154691"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">First I would try to figure out why your little one is in pain, I do know that cry too well, it's heartbreaking. if you identify that cry as pain, it problably is<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
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Yes. Usually she is crying because she needs to be parented to sleep. She can fall asleep but she really needs one of us to help her.<br><br>
Do I love it? (Okay, yes, sometimes I do) Not always. But I can't see how it's right to do it any other way.<br><br>
I feel in a way that it undermines dh's role to say that as a mother I know best - even if it is true. I do not plan on conceding my point, but I want us to be on the same side with this issue because it is so big.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nylecoj</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154718"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes. Usually she is crying because she needs to be parented to sleep. She can fall asleep but she really needs one of us to help her.</div>
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She's only 5 months old. Hate to break it to you, but it's likely she'll need to be parented to sleep for another 2 years.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Kailey's mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154691"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If that didn't work, I think DH could CIO everynight on the couch<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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That was my thought when reading the thread title! If he wants to be left alone in a room to cry, I don't see any problem with it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
But more seriously, if he's not willing to do the research I think you just have to be MamaBear and veto his suggestion. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br><br>
ETA- Also, any chance of finding out where DH gets his expectations of 5mo sleep behavoir? Maybe he just needs someone to tell him that your daughter is perfectly normal and that a BABY needing help/comfort to fall asleep does not mean that you guys are "failing." KWIM?
 

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Is she in bed with you? Will she nurse to sleep? Can she latch on by herself?<br><br>
Can you get her nursing before she starts crying?<br><br>
good luck!<br><br>
-Angela
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154737"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She's only 5 months old. Hate to break it to you, but it's likely she'll need to be parented to sleep for another 2 years.<br><br>
-Angela</div>
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Alegna is right. I feel like saying "Congratulations it's a girl!" when I read posts like this. I don't mean to be snarky or offensive, and I know that you probably are getting all sorts of what I would consider bad advice from people who think babies should be in their own room and sleeping through the night on their own. But really, this is what parenting is. You don't get to punch out your time card at any hour of the day, it's a 24/7 job.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I feel like I'm being unclear or something ....<br><br><i>Of course</i> she needs to be parented to sleep - she's a small baby, and that's what babies need. *I* know this - *I've* done the research.<br><br>
Nobody I know is saying the baby should be able to sleep on her own, all night long or anything of that sort, EXCEPT DH.<br><br>
Where he gets his expectations? I think because he read "What to Expect During the First Year" and because we have a couple of friends who have kids - literally a couple. One of them has a set of twins who comfort each other, and the other did CIO. He definitely needs someone to point out to him that children need to be parented to sleep - because somehow I am not swaying his opinion.<br><br>
Perhaps I wasn't clear, but what I am looking for is a way to change his thinking about the subject so that we are a team. Dh is a wonderful man and I respect him enormously. Doesn't mean we don't have our differences and it doesn't mean I'll just roll over and let him do something I think hurts our child.<br><br>
Also doesn't mean I won't stop looking for a way for him to truly be on board with parenting dd to sleep.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Rico'sAlice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154738"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But more seriously, if he's not willing to do the research I think you just have to be MamaBear and veto his suggestion. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Yeah, sounds like this might be the only option. And I'm doing that, but man, I wish it wasn't a fight ... ya know?
 

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maybe try explaining that when a baby CIO, they aren't "self soothing" (i HATE that term), they're giving up on anyone meeting their needs. realizing that they can scream for help but no one will come to them. doesn't sound very soothing to me?
 

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Yeah I agree, if he won't even listen or look into other options I would just put your foot down and say, "Sorry honey, but this is not something I am willing to compromise on."<br><br>
Oh and by the way, even though my son is 3 years old, I still once in a while look at DP and say to him, "Congratulations, it's a boy, you're a parent." Especially when he just doesn't get things like this.
 

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Is your doctor, baby's ped, ob etc.. against CIO, if not..maybe find a health care professional that is (call ahead)? if so next visit bring up that your baby is still crying at night etc..and make sure DH is with you so he can ask ?'s and get facts about CIO.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>artgoddess</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154802"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Oh and by the way, even though my son is 3 years old, I still once in a while look at DP and say to him, "Congratulations, it's a boy, you're a parent." Especially when he just doesn't get things like this.</div>
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Hahaha! That is perfect. I'm gonna try using it.<br><br>
Thanks for listening and offering suggestions - I really appreciate it.
 

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Does he not love and respect YOU enough to take your word on this? Does he not love and respect you enough to do some reseach if he can't take your word?<br><br>
As for books- try Sears. I'm not sure though.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nylecoj</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8154779"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Where he gets his expectations? I think because he read "What to Expect During the First Year" and because we have a couple of friends who have kids - literally a couple. One of them has a set of twins who comfort each other, and the other did CIO. He definitely needs someone to point out to him that children need to be parented to sleep - because somehow I am not swaying his opinion.</div>
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That's what I was thinking. Is there <i>anyone</i> else in your lives that he respects and is AP that could drop a casual comment about their non-CIO'd kid's sleep patterns?
 

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If he's not willing to be an active participant in the learning process that is part of being a parent, I'm not sure anything anyone says will change his mind.<br><br>
We're not trying to be snarky or argumentative, I guess we're confused as to why having him on your side is so important to you when it seems obvious in your post that it's not at all important to him. So if it's not important enough to your partner, then do what you think is best! Yes, pull the mom card out and flash it around.<br><br>
There are a few things that I couldn't care less if DP agrees with me about and CIO is one of them. Breastfeeding, homebirth, vaxs, circ, gentle discipline and co-sleeping are the others.
 

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One thing I said to MIL on the subject was:<br><br>
I wouldn't let dh cry in a room by himself, and he is an adult with coping abilities. We don't let people in our family cry for help and not go to them. That is how we show love for one another.<br><br>
Duh.
 
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