DH's dysfuntional family NO EFFORT (ds birthday no cards, email)

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If that were true accross the board, but its just with us, not his sister or anyone else... They go to his sister's for christmas we are not invited..we have gone ourselves and been told to leave after an hour...with phrases like 'don't you have somewhere else to go'....after driving four hours with the kids...or that we all had to leave as SIL scraped her toe and she needed all of them MIL, BIL, FIL to take her to emergency...(I KID YOU NOT the emerg nurses at two hospitals basically laughed in her face .... scrape, not cut, not abrasion small tiny scrape on one toe...)

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Yeah my kids are the best! DH is on the phone with MIL now..... supposedly there's a suprise present... sure.... I am sure its something he has...
I know I got to deal with my anger about this so I don't pass it on to the kids, and possibly get dh to grow a set around his parents....

on the to do list!

They called to wish him a happy 3rd birthday...
he's four today...

The gift is 'backordered' ..sure.

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Okay yeah but when they have the same name!
I mean how do you mispell that?

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Me too I mean ds doesn't know these people so why would he care...
I just think it sucks.

We have a similar situation with DH's parents. And to top it off DH's parents also did not acknowledge DH's 40th bday this year. THEIR OWN SON! Neither did his sister. I was enraged. :

I chalk it up to being old and semi-senile. Luckily our DS is youmg enough that he doesn't ask questions -- but I'd say concentrate on celebrating within your nuclear family and concentrate on the people who do want to be part of his special day. I know it's hard. I wanted to send hate mail to DH's parents when it happens to us. But I try to jsut pretend they do not exist when things like that go down.
Sounds terrible, but it helps us stay focused on the positive.

Oh Mama. Happy Birthday to your boy. Your post spoke to me.

My WHOLE paternal side of my family has spelled my name with
one N my whole life. It was funny to me for awhile but then it
began to bother me some. They have received numerous thank
you, b-day cards, etc. from me in my life, ALL with my name
signed on the card. You would think at some point they would
notice they have been spelling my name wrong.

My dd and I share a birthday and last year the only family to wish
dd and myself a Happy Birthday was my Father. It was my 30th
and her 5th. We had a great day, but it was still a bummer that
my family can't be bothered with a "Hey Happy Birthday". My
friends are awesome and there were many messages on our machine
when we got home. Who said blood was thicker than water.

My dd's paternal grandparents didn't buy her a present or a card
two birthdays in a row. Her 2nd, 3rd, then her 4th they gave all
three of their granddaughters hats from Disney. But then they
other two grandchildren also got showered with presents at their
birthday. Again this past (her 5th) she got a phone call the day
after her birthday. It's just the way they are. I hurt for dd in the
years to come when she will remember at the birthday parties of
her cousins how they get several gifts from pop-pop and bubba
and she doesn't.

Recently while eating dinner out with Grandma (bubba) dd noticed
a security camera in the ceiling. Grandma told her that is where
Jesus watches to see if she eats all her dinner. So not getting
presents is really the last of our worries.

to you! I can relate as well. The only one in either of our families that acknowledge my kids' birthdays is my mother, and she's supposedly the "crazy" one! Go figure! And it is hurtful when they get older and REALIZE that favorites are being played (my nephew's birthday is January 1st, so every Christmas he gets extra presents "because it's his birthday too"...my kids are explained this BY my step-mom and she still doesn't acknowledge their birthdays.

I think this is indicative of a larger societal problem (not to dismiss the feelings of any one of us who has to go through this).
But this is what I mean: in the past, people used to rely on family for human connection, companionship and help. These days that is totally not necessary. You can get on line for friendship, hire a person to do any task that you can imagine, you can get a dog for companionship.
When I was little my grandparents wouldn't DREAM of missing any significant event in our lives as children. But our society is changing and people see that their selfishness is the norm--everyone acts this way, they think--I want to think of ME and how I feel. Nevermind the rest of the world.
They don't see (or even care) how they impact others.
My out-laws are the same way. They've seen our children TWICE in their entire LIVES. They saw my ds for the FIRST time when he was 18 months old! What grandparent doesn't see their own grandchild the whole first year of his or her life???
And they are dripping with cash--and are youthful and energetic--so what's their excuse?
Their excuse is this: it's all about them. It doesn't phase them to cheat on their taxes, to cheat on each other, to hurt other people and generally not give a rip about the rest of the world. They don't donate to charity, they don't have pets because they are a burden, they don't write or call (EVER) because it gets in the way of their world travels, gourmet dining and golf.
And the message that they are sending? That they are TOXIC. Absolutely a model for my children: this is who you DON'T want to be when you grow up.
Do I denegrate them or talk poorly about them? No. Never.
But if my child says: where is Granny? I say: she is playing golf. Or traveling around the world....or fill in the blank.
Not: Granny didn't WANT to see you. Not: Granny is too busy for us.
Just: Granny is playing golf. No attitude, no tone in my voice. In fact, I try to say it with a big smile.
For now, my children are just confused. But I think Granny is making herself heard loud and clear.
In years to come, if my children want to talk about it, they will have my full attention. And it will be a life lesson for us to talk about it.

But I will not protect the out-laws when discussing their choices in life with my children, and I hope that it will set a clear example to my children of how NOT to be when you grow up and retire. And through this discussion my children will be told that this is not something for them to internalize--it is not about them, it is not their failure as a person, it is about people who do not care. And we should NOT play into this by changing OUR behavior.
The lesson for us (for us as mothers and our children) is this: do not protect the out-laws by playing phoney--acting like their behavior is acceptable. In other words: you don't have to be mean to them, but if you continue to send gifts, cards, letters and pictures you are sending them the message that their behavior is acceptable. It is not. If they want pictures, let them ask for them--then send them. If they want to talk--let them call.
If they miss a birthday or holiday (as mine do EVERY year for EVERY situation), do not remind them unless they ask. Do not call them.

You go on with your life. And when they have gotten so estranged that they feel awkward enough (although some will NEVER feel this way) then maybe they will alter their behavior enough to be a little more acceptable out of sheer embarrassment.

If your out-laws, cousins, etc., spell your name wrong--correct them. Politely.
Our responsibility is this: do not allow yourself or your children to become doormats to this type of behavior. And if the out-laws come around on their time but it doesn't fit into your time--do not bend over backwards to change your schedule. It's all about boundaries. If we do not expect others to honor our boundaries--you better believe they will not.
That's the lesson I've learned from all of this. If they get mad--so what? They really do not care that much. No matter what we do, they will never care as much as we WANT them to.

The absolute reality is this: they aren't ever going to change. No matter what we do. So we have to just get that message in our heads and live accordingly.
Good luck to you--family relationships are difficult but you can protect yourself from toxic people--even if you happen to be related.

A voice from the other side....

I come from a family where birthdays were really no big deal. A first birthday was an extended family event, then, from 2 until the child was old enough to have friends, the recognition was at the nuclear family level, from the age of having friends until the age of being 'too cool' for parties it was more of a thing with friends and acknowledgement at a nuclear familiy level. From the age of college on, once we left the nuclear family and started our own families, the cycle repeated...just the way it is in my family and not becuase of dysfunction.

When I married, my husband never acknowledged any birthday's and no one ever acknowledged ours, we were invited to 1st birthday's and not subsequent birhtday's so I assumed it was the same. It wasn't until my husband and I were asked to be 'god-parents' of one of the nephew's and I asked what was expected of the role that I became aware that my husband and I were viewed negatively by the family for being generally "unthoughtful". I extended apoligies and began to acknowlege birthday's as well as do other 'niceties' expected by his family.

My point...while it sounds as this is complicated by an element of favoritism, I would encourage you to let people know that your familiy would like for extended family to recognize birthday's while allowing them a way out if they choose not to. Perhaps let them know that your side of the family does xyz, and that while you recognize that it is not required, that you wanted them to be aware that the children are receiving xyz in case they would like to participate as well. As children grow older, explain that different families have different rituals, different holiday's and celebrations and different ways of expressing affection.

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Dh and I had a conversation yesterday about this, that if he doesn't understand WHY his family has no attachment then he can't be sure he can't create the same situation.... it was interesting what came out that being 'polite' aka FAKE, was his families SOP... that people who spoke up were cast aside....it was funny as I expected the family to be 'cold' but in fact when he talks they are so emmotional but then they guard themselves...
I told him he has to start being himself, stop the filter that if you want to show your children your values they cannot change when you are with your parents/family. You don't loose who you are to make others happy.

I told him how sad I thought it all was, how empty....and that I would not allow this to happen in my family PERIOD. So that he better understand logically what our values are and how to impose them on our kids.. And how to filter the IL.... as I don't want that being presented as normal but as its all dh has known....

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But different cultures, groups are different. My cousins' baby was being baptised his exwife now...got so upset that we showed up! like WTF.
she just didnt' want to make a big deal out of it, its not like we were staying there or expecting to be fed but come on....

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I have no idea, none my mom goes through withdrawl after 2 weeks...my dad lives thousands of miles away when I gave birth to the last baby a month early .....after 28 hours in the hospital I was released guess who was in my livingroom he just couldnt' contain hiimself!!! They can't get enough of thier grandkids (mind you they were overly affectionate, loving AP parents)

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what a blessing they aint around eh? Like mine I told dh he must protect my children from their toxicity or I will

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My father's mother cut us out of her life, I tried to reconcile she only has the two of us grandchildren and an only son...there she is almost 90, in failing heatlh and I thought what a waste you are such a bitch as as your granddaughter I'd be taking you for your appointments, manicures, shopping but you don't care for any family...

I told my dd as she is 12, that in life you can be right or you can have family around you. But if you must be right all the time, if you cannot give without feeling deprived then you will be alone just like them'all. I also think that people who want to be 'more' than where they came from choose to have little friends or family contact as your family will always remind you where you came from, but if you want to be pretentious then you can't keep people around for long as well they wont' care after a while what you got, what you did. They will just see you for you and not be 'impressed'....

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PREACH ON! I tried to get dh to realise that you can be polite and respectful without being appologetic for who you are. I grew up half brit.military half italian/albanian immigrant teachers.... Boy did I know what place, accent, appropriate respect to peoples station... You can be respectful and be yourself but dh puts on this wall mask and changes I told him I won't allow my boys to see that fake ass crap. That dh has to accept he's okay and doesn't need to be a different person like they can't reject you any worse than they do.

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Amen but can you give me practical answers to the B.S.?

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I dont' I allow dh to do this and if they want a picture they got to take it when they are here....

why are you enraged? i'm not trying to be snotty or anything, i'm just wondering.

what does remembering a birthday mean to you? that they care and love your children? i'm guessing they do, but don't express it the way you would and do. and to expect them to express it they way you do, even once a year, may be expecting them to be something other than exactly what they are, and setting yourself up for disappointment. (and a little anger binge)

accepting them just the way they are, full of their faults and shortcomings, without judging their intentions is wonderful modeling for your children. the world can always use a little more lovingkindness for humans despite all our glaring imperfections.

and it wouldn't hurt for you to drop them a note explaining *why* you feel hurt, that remembering birthdays and sending gifts on time is an expression of love and caring for *you*, but send it without the expectation of it changing them, rather send it without expecting anything from them. just send it becuase it's always good to be honest with people and it's good to speak to them from your heart once in a while.

I thought we are pretty okay but I realize now that we could be considered dysfunctional! Honestly I don't even know when everybody's birthdays are. I could guess on the month and maybe get it right 70 percent of the time.

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LOL no worries, I am upset because of how much pain they've put dh through telling him he's not good enough, doesn't try enough, is a failure...(he's the farthest thing from it of course and the sister who can't hold a job for 3 months, gets all the praise, all the money, all the time attention...)and for them to be cool/rejecting/forgetfull about my kids its just so needless....I guess part of me gave them the chance to ...I know .... be someone different with their grandchildren.

Part of me is upset as dh is very accepting of how abusive they were to him, and I won't let them affect my kids.

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no actually just that they'd do the bare minimum...
like how much is it? For me its painful as well I think people need to be recognized even in token amounts...sigh. But this family doesn't aknowledge things like FIL's aunt died 4 months ago... his sister who lives down the street knew, didn't think to tell her brothers...and that's normal, told him a month ago (but they talk atleast once a week...)

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Totally I also realise that part of me almost needs the anger, as its safe to be angry about them. But I just don't understand it, and I think logically I want to..

My family is a tell it like it is family, no big filters on the mouth, emmotionally honest... this family its just so odd

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I know I have to get there or it will be me and my anger that affects the kids but ....

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oooh if only that were true in this family, that woud be breaking the rules, grossy impolite, and might get me banned no kidding. I think its dh place to do that, as i am still more of an outsider than he is. I pray that he would feel comfortable being honest with them....also this family doesn't see themselves as well how they are. They see how they treat my dh as natural consequences of him not doing what they wanted him to do in his life, they are very controlling, emmotionally abusive. And those wounds are really for dh to open not me.

We have a similar situation in our family, but with my own mother. She has only two grandchildren -- my children. She actually CALLED ME before DS's first birthday and told me that she wasn't sending anything because the first birthday "isn't a big deal and he won't remember it anyway". Right.

She also refuses to call DS by his first name because "it's just so difficult to pronounce". She insists on calling him by one of his middle names (Daniel), even when he has no freakin' clue who she's talking to/about. It is not, however, the same as her name -- that's just utterly ridiculous!

This year, she completely forgot DD's second birthday. She called me about two weeks later to ask me a question and never even mentioned. I said something about where we took her for her birthday, and my mom muttered something about "that was a couple of weeks ago, hmmm..." and then continued with the conversation as if nothing had happened.

My whole family sucks. I have pretty much cut them all out of my life, except my mom, and she's on pretty shaky ground (for several reasons, beyond just this issue).

So sorry you have to deal with this, too. I wish all grandparents could see the gifts that their grandchildren are.

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how rejecting, you don't have to like the name pick a cute nickname but to ignore the chosen name....

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yeah it does make you laugh....... and I don't call him by his first name if its a formal but his middle name...I think every kid needs their own name. So dh wanted to honour him with that one but we call him by his middle name or nn.
MIL got upset when she heard my family call him by his GIVEN name (not FIL's) which we chose to call him by...all agreed on....and now we should call him by his first name...(dh's family the men go by the middle name....its an annoying tradition but jee it started with FIL)

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I toy with that and DH family but I don't want them to turn me into the 'evil' one by forcing me to accept they will always suck and there's no changing....

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No kidding! I never thought my family (bad divorce) was close and functional but compared to this one we are the brady bunch.

I just don't understand.
That's part of my problem, I mean I don't get it.
Grandchildren rock, its once or twice a year, they adore you, you give presents and sugar and you are their hero.... I love my kids, I am in love with them, they are my light and my heart. I would die for them, I love the way they smell, being close to them. They will never be a burden, they are a joy (even when they are a pain) without them I would not be me, they have my heart with them.

My mom is italian, my line with the family is I even if I hated her I'd still call her every day Connection, family its not a choice, its not something you don't have time for, its who you are ..... I guess that's why I am an attachment parent and they are detachment parents....