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<p>I have worked for 6 months making gifts so Christmas won't cost too much and we'll have great stuff for our kids and extended family. I wanted to keep costs for gifts and decor and all that under $600 plus food. My own wishlist, if he got me everything, would add up to $60 or so. I was thinking of spending $350 for DH on a low end but decent projector. Now instead of letting me chose his gifts DH is about to buy himself $800 worth of stuff!!!!! He's decided "the family" needs a fairly high quality home theater projector and screen, and an xbox360 and games. He's the sole earner too and I really can't stop him from doing what he wants to. #%^%@!! We're $1,000 away from paying off our credit card (down from $9,000 after 4 hard years), we owe 5k on our van, we owe 11k in student loans, we have his grad school tuition looming ahead. A friend is likely going to come stay for a while and pay rent, but this will be spending every cent of that before we have it.</p>
 

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<p>I don't have anything I can say because you truely can't control another person.  I do feel so bad for you because you've worked so hard to make a nice christmas and now feel like it was for nothing because the bank is getting broke anyway..  Hugs to you mama.</p>
 

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<p>Im shocked that you have no say in your own marriage and that your husband would spend money you dont have on something so immature as boys toys. </p>
 

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<p>Have you talked to him about it? Just because he earns the paycheque doesn't mean you don't have a say.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We have this issue sometimes - I have to admit my DH is better at not "dribbling" money away all year, and then sometimes he wants a big-ticket item. But if we had credit-card debt (in particular) it would be a no-go. I would say something like "that would be so cool, but we would end up paying XX dollars before we could pay it off, and be in trouble if something went wrong. How would you feel about just getting the X-Box now and then save up?"</p>
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<p>Also lay it out - how long it will take to pay it off, how much the interest will cost; if the friends moving in falls through you could be paying well past NEXT Xmas. And see if he agrees that a sense of peace is better - especially as he enters grad school. </p>
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<p>Just remember that it's okay for him to WANT and even PLAN for these things. But that doesn't mean you can't also speak up. After 4 years I can see where the impulse to go nuts is coming from, but you're doing so well!</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #5
<p>Thanks guys. DH says he has to work overtime so he'll earn that much to cover it. I still wish he would embrace the kind of Christmas that takes thought and time and generosity that I try to work for, you are exactly right Melissa I feel like he is invalidating what I'm doing and trashing what I give him. He says it's his character flaw that he wants the big stuff if he can get it since he never had anything growing up. I asked that some year, maybe next year, we try doing it my way, but he was insulted and says he doesn't have time for making gifts or thinking hard about choosing special cheap stuff. Thing is I don't want to deny him this stuff, I want him to have what he wants if that's what makes him happy. I just kinda wish he'd instead treasure the things I make him and the clever way I remembered all the smaller things he's mentioned wishing for and got something of that.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>JamieCatheryn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279646/dh-s-out-of-control-christmas-wishlist#post_16049357"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thanks guys. DH says he has to work overtime so he'll earn that much to cover it. I still wish he would embrace the kind of Christmas that takes thought and time and generosity that I try to work for, you are exactly right Melissa I feel like he is invalidating what I'm doing and trashing what I give him. He says it's his character flaw that he wants the big stuff if he can get it since he never had anything growing up. I asked that some year, maybe next year, we try doing it my way, but he was insulted and says he doesn't have time for making gifts or thinking hard about choosing special cheap stuff. Thing is I don't want to deny him this stuff, I want him to have what he wants if that's what makes him happy. I just kinda wish he'd instead treasure the things I make him and the clever way I remembered all the smaller things he's mentioned wishing for and got something of that.</p>
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<p>I guess I think who earns the money is irrelevant if you are in a partnered relationship.  Did you talk about and did he previously agree to you plan or did you each hatch up you own?   </p>
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<p>I think this whole "I never had anything as a kid." line is very immature.  There is nothing wrong with what he wants except that your family doesn't seem to afford it. I think part of behaving like an adullt is looking past your childhood issues and trying to be as healthy as you can.  I truly think that spending money you do not have is stealing from yourself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I do think you need to compromise and you do both have the right to having different visions for the holidays.  The amount of effort you put into your holiday would not me my style either (I am both a minimalist and procrastinator on most holiday stuff)  and I suspect that it could make DH feel guilty because he can't feign excitement about his handknit socks or whatever.</p>
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Even w the OT, what would this do to your overall budget? Just because he's the earner does not give him the right to blow the budget to he!!. Before spending that money, i would expect it to A-be in hand (and not in the next paycheck/on the schedule), and B- everything else necessary until Jan 1 is already bought and paid for (bills, groceries, presents, travel expenses, etc). I'd also probably finish paying off the cc since you have the extra money and call it a Xmas gift to myself, but that would probably just start a fight If, when all is said and done, he still has the cash available after all that, then i would agree to discuss it. But IMO, a purchase like that requires a lot of research and shopping around, and I wouldnt agree to that kind of expenditure without looking over his research/comparison shopping myself... But thats just the way our relationship works (no major purchases without consensus).<br><br>
Him valuing the time and effort you put into gifts is a completely different subject, and honestly, his response would have me insisting on counseling so i didnt strangle him in his sleep. I take pride in giving/making thoughtful presents, and if my partner couldnt at least pretend to appreciate the effort i put into it, id be questioning the relationship and the value he had for me.<br><br>
Also, how old are your kids? The xbox is not really suited for young-uns, so that completely negates that portion of his argument if your kids are still pretty young. We have one, but i have no illusions that its main purpose is for DH to play first person shooters. There really aren't that many kid oriented titles for the xbox DS will not get to really play w it for many years still. Whereas the Wii he's already played with a bit (Wii Music).
 

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<p>my dh is the sole bread winner but we don't make any huge purchases (think over 100) individually period.</p>
 

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<p>How old are your kids? Are they old enough to enjoy the home theatre and xbox, so that it really is a family gift? Or are they so young that it really is just a daddy gift?</p>
 

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<p>Not much you can do when the spouse wants to spend. I would love to get the xbox with kinect for my kids,but I know we can not.We will wait till we can afford it. I already told my kids it will be a present of 2 for the holidays. Maybe your dh will come to his senses. I know I would rather want to give small giflts and pay off that debt.So nice to have credit cards with a zero balance!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If your dh is willing to work extra to buy those things then I guess that is better than just adding to a credit card and making minimum payments.</p>
 

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<p>I agree that you should have just as much say as he does.  What if you just decided to spend $800 on things that were clearly just for you?  Would he be cool with that, given your debt?</p>
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<p>I'm sorry he doesn't seem to appreciate the time and effort you spent on all those thoughtful things you gathered and made.  That's rather sad to me.  I spend time making fabulous food gifts, but I only give them to people I know will appreciate the effort.  Otherwise, what's the point?  DH and I have a set amount to spend on each other each year.  This year we will not spend much at all on each other, but will "help" the kids get things for each of us, lol.  If he decided to go against that which we agreed upon together, he would have to show that he can make up the extra $ on a side job or something but we certainly won't be charging a darn thing for Christmas.  We don't believe in that!</p>
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<p>ETA: the people who wouldn't appreciate a home made gift from me wouldn't get anything at all but a big smile and a "Merry Christmas!"</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #12
<p>We reached an agreement yesterday about it: if he brings in income above usual to get all this, he'll take advantage of Black Friday sales and do it. But it's not a Christmas present because how can one get Christmas gifts for oneself and it outshines my gifts. I'll get games for him and DS1 as gifts. Up til now we just used DH's old SNES so maybe we are due for a new system. I found one of the downloadable games and one regular game that seem age-appropriate for DS (The Undergarden and Viva Pinata) so he'll get to enjoy it too. Seems the reason he got mad about my non-consumerist request was because he thinks I disrespect his job as a sales manager since it's encouraging consumerism all the time, I set him straight about that (he organizes everything, improves his employees, and helps people make informed decisions, I'm cool with that).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On the financial bright side, I convinced him to switch from paid TV to Netflix+xbox live, saving $30/month.</p>
 

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<p>In the all fairness we don't buy preasents for eachother because we feel that Christmas is about preasents for Kids just as traditon intended. Buying gifts for adults is</p>
<p>awkward because it seem very forced on both sides.. the giver makes tremendous effort to come up with something that is over the budget to begin with considering</p>
<p>all adults and the receiver  is forced to pretend he enjoys it as in most parts it is the case. Of course there is always the "thoght it that counts" factor but since</p>
<p>it is the thoguht that counts that we stop there , at the "thought". It is about being together, being alive, sharing joy and seeing kids being that much happier.</p>
<p>You can buy an amazing toy for a kid for 30 bucks and you can't impress an adult with that kind of money and frankly making anything for an adult by hand</p>
<p>it is just as much effort as going and eraning something so this is just as money. It takes resources for no apparent reason.So we focus on the season :)</p>
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<p>Because.. back to giving gifts to eachother.. if you know what  you are going to get and he know what he is going to get and that is all bought by your mutual money anyways so why bother with all this rather silly custom of giving gifts of that nature?</p>
<p>Everyone can buy their own socks or tie after all anyways. :)</p>
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<p>Now about your specific situation, I can't say what you should or should not do because I don't know all the dynamics of your family</p>
<p>nor the emotional capacities of each of you but here is similar scenario for my family if that would happened here:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>1. I would not force any gifts upon my husband knowing he does not appreciate them.</p>
<p>2. I would not consider buying expensive equipment aka. TV or projector a "gift" to any of us as this is a familly matter and everyone should have to say in a choice that we make with our</p>
<p>money and this is OUR money as even law states that all things in marriage is common.</p>
<p>3. If it is a gift for me I don't like my husband giving me any gifts without my prior approval because as much as surpsise factor is cute, guys for most parts are clueless and afer</p>
<p>x amount of  years you know that they have nooo idea, so just as he should know by asking me what I want, I would feel the same way and would  not buy him somehting</p>
<p>he does not like nor need just to fulfill my sens of "feel goodie fuzzy" because I gave him something.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As much as I would feel that money and debt paying off is most important thing, by the same token time is flying and life is passing by and if we would have a crappy tv and minimal option for kids to get some sort of entertainment then I might cave in to buying some tv or projector or x box provided that we can get the money as an extra earnings since this could benefit</p>
<p>the whole year of the whole family. Crappy tv breaks kids eyes just the same, and having kids boared as opposed do some activities even if it is in the house with X box .. play games in the winter that involve movement might not be the worse idea in the whole world.</p>
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<p>Lastly.. I know you feel bad that you put so much time in making all the gifts and all and your husband does not appreciate YOUR way of celebrating Christmas but by the same token</p>
<p>you did not seem to worry about his approval of this as much as you did not approved his  so in all fairness you should not feel upset just becasue you did something. It seem more</p>
<p>of matter of misscommunication then antyhign. You invested your time to celebrate holidays  youw way without asking him just the same as he wanted to do it his way so you should</p>
<p>not feel upset. Those things seem to be solved best if decided first done second and not jumping itno emotions without decissions.</p>
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<p>Hope  you will have blessed holidays . </p>
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<p>Well I am glad you reached an agreement. I am kind of in the same boat. My husband doesn't mind spending quite a lot on xmas and I am thinking more like 500 or under! We make PB balls for extended family and we spend 100 ea on our children. We are on BS3:) Though because of my husbands wishes to spend we won't be starting it until January:( We will see I am about ready to had the responsibility of money over to him. It takes up so much of my time to arrange budgets and then to fix the messes he makes.</p>
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<p>So I get it and I am glad you found common ground:)</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>BellaClaudia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279646/dh-s-out-of-control-christmas-wishlist#post_16053267"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>3. If it is a gift for me I don't like my husband giving me any gifts without my prior approval because as much as surpsise factor is cute, guys for most parts are clueless and afer</p>
<p>x amount of  years you know that they have nooo idea, so just as he should know by asking me what I want, I would feel the same way and would  not buy him somehting</p>
<p>he does not like nor need just to fulfill my sens of "feel goodie fuzzy" because I gave him something.<br>
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<p> To the OP - I'm glad it worked out. My snarky response to you was to suggest brand new granite countertops as a gift for the family - because you know - everyone uses the counter!</p>
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<p>but the PP - do you NEVER give gifts or is it just Christmas? That sounds so sad.</p>
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<p>For the record - My DH is an EXCELLENT gift giver. Even if it's a just a book he knows I'll be interested in because of something we talked about together from the radio. He buys me clothes that are very much my style and my size and he takes feedback REALLY well. Last year he did give me a bunch of books, and while I like feminist literature, I'm not all that crazy about chic lit. A few crossed the line but he was really open to feedback. Some of the books I LOVED!</p>
 

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<p>I'm also glad you're able to come to some agreement.. DH and I both work, however neither of us get to decide on the budget alone. Even when I was a sahm I had equal say in our spending habits. We are currently still paying off debt, however we have been saving up (monthly) to have a Christmas/Gift fund. We won't spend a lot on eachother, but we both enjoy being able to buy the other gifts (also, my DH is a great gift giver as well...)</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ellien C</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279646/dh-s-out-of-control-christmas-wishlist#post_16053539"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a>
<p> </p>
<p>but the PP - do you NEVER give gifts or is it just Christmas? That sounds so sad.</p>
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<p>I didn't see anybody say they never give gifts. But not everyone values gifts. It may be sad to you, but it's not sad for everyone. Kind of like when women tell each other that "martyring" yourself by not having an epidural is not worth it. We all have different values.<br>
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<p>I will admit the "men" in my house have lots more "toys" than I do.  BUT its by choice.  I am a simple person.  I HATE "things".  My husband has a boat, almost paid off.  He and the boys LOVE to go fishing in it and have great bonding times.  The boys have an Xbox they saved their money for and bought themselves.  I truely don't resent it at all.  As long as on the rare occasion I have something I do need/want to spend money on he doesn't fuss, which he doesn't.  For my upcoming 40th birthday I got a very high end food processor, with him in agreement totally.  As long as everyone is happy with the situation its fine if its more one sided.  BUT if we weren't happy with it we'd regroup and rethink.   It sounds like you reached an agreement.  Glad for  you mama.</p>
 

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<p>but the PP - do you NEVER give gifts or is it just Christmas? That sounds so sad.<span style="display:none;"> </span></p>
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<p>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^We do gifts. We make the PB balls for my mom and step dad with pics of our kids. We do the PB balls for all of our siblings (There are a lot) and grandparents and aunts and uncles. We make them for our friends and DH's work:) I think its wonderful and my brother appreciates them the most! I don't think we will mail them to him in Afghanistan this xmas though:( They would be SLOP.</p>
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<p>Our kids each get 100 worth of gifts and we might do something for one another IF we have the finances. Which I bought DH some slippers hes been coveting. If I didn't have the funds then no.</p>
<p>I think our xmas is lovely and not sad at all.<span><img alt="banana.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/banana.gif" style="width:33px;height:35px;"></span></p>
 
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