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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please do not bash me. I only need constructive criticism please, I'm not taking to well to the news I've just found out, and not sure what to do with my emotions.<br><br><br>
I have a family friend "J"(male) that used to sing in a choir with my mom. We've known him for about 5 years. He's come to a few of our family gatherings and he sends emails/facebook type of stuff. There was a couple of weeks around Nov 09 that we talked pretty much everyday on FB. It kind of peetered out bc I got busy as well as him. I found out that he was arrested and went to trial yesterday for child pornography charges. The FBI started 'following' him back in 07, raided his house/computer back in March 08 and found SEVERAL files(and files and files...etc) of pictures he'd downloaded. He went to trial yesterday and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. He doesn't have to go in until this July..not sure why they are waiting...and right now he has to register as a sex offender, and have supervised visits with his kids and grandkids.<br><br>
So...I emailed him last night after thinking about what he's done. And what he possibly COULD have done to my children...which he better pray that he didn't do anything to them...<br><br>
I basically said that I need him to erase my email and to never contact me again. I will pray for him and to ask for forgivness(I am very spiritual and "he is too".) I also told him that I wished he wouldn't have come back in Dec to my sons bday party. I am saddened by his actions and that he lied to everyone.<br><br>
He has lied to me, to everyone I know...he let me TRUST him and I feel so betrayed. I know this isn't about me...that is has nothing (other than the betrayal) to do with me and I had no right to send him that email. But I had to get off of my chest what my "friend" had done and that I don't want him to contact me or my family EVER again.<br><br>
Do you think that I should've kept my mouth shut? Or just go ahead and keep contact with a child, well what do you call it...intruder/molester...I'm not sure what he would be called. Did I go too far? Should I have just said "dont ever contact me again and erase my email" and left if at that?<br><br>
Please again remember...I'm very upset right now, I need words of love...not hate. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I think your children's welfare comes first. I don't blame you at all.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i'm sorry you are hurting, really i am.<br>
i assume (and i think rightly from your reaction) if you knew or had an incling about his background you never would have allowed this person in your life.<br>
so to that end your reaction is normal fine and expected.<br>
i don't know why you think you should have "kept your mouth shut"<br>
this person was someone you trusted. when a grown person sexually violates a child, they have forsaken the trust of all those around them, not just the person they directly victimized.<br>
i dont' see your reaction as judgemental, just a mother who realized the sheep was a wolf in disguise.
 

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You were more gentle than I would have been. You have *absolutely* no reason to feel guilty. He molested children (or viewed pornography of them or whatever) and you are worried about offending HIM!? Nope, you don't get any guilt in this situation.
 

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i think it is fine to assert that you never want him to contact you again, etc. i also think it's appropriate to assert that you feel hurt, betrayed and angered by him and his actions.<br><br>
fwiw, i would have stopped at never contact me again.
 

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I agree with the others, you were more gentle that I would have been. My DD1 was molested and I only wish I could "talk" to him.<br><br>
Hugs to you, it is a shock and I'm so very glad your children are ok.
 

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You owe him what politeness exactly? It was totally out of line for him to put himself in temptation's way around children when he knew he had a problem. Whether or not he was planning to do anything to them, he should not have given himself the opportunity. Particularly without informing you of his proclivities.<br><br>
Maybe your email will make him think. Maybe not. I'm not sure if it was the wisest thing to do, but it was very understandable and might even jolt him out of his complacency (if he is complacent - maybe still thinking it's not such a big deal). So I wouldn't worry about it. And cutting off contact completely was the only acceptable option.
 

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I don't really understand what you are concerned about with your email? You want him to never contact you and you expressed your disappointment in his actions. All of that is perfectly reasonable.
 

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I think it's fine that you said what you did. As others have said, you have nothing to feel remotely guilty about. The only thing I would be worried about at this point is him reading your e-mail & deciding to lash out at you before he's imprisoned. Why the heck would they be waiting until July to put him in jail to serve a sentence he's already been convicted of? I've never heard of that.
 

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oh man. Can the police tell you if he had any images of your children? That freaks me out.<br><br>
I would have just never contacted him again, but I understand your impulse.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>becoming</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it's fine that you said what you did. As others have said, you have nothing to feel remotely guilty about. The only thing I would be worried about at this point is him reading your e-mail & deciding to lash out at you before he's imprisoned. Why the heck would they be waiting until July to put him in jail to serve a sentence he's already been convicted of? I've never heard of that.</div>
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I know someone who has been waiting two years to go to prison. Not anything child or sex or violence related.<br><br>
I always thought you were convicted, sentenced and marched off to the cells there and then but apparently not. This individual has had multiple dates to report to custody and it's still not happened. He's been waiting longer than his prison sentence is supposed to be! Craziness.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>neetling</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384115"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">oh man. Can the police tell you if he had any images of your children? That freaks me out.</div>
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If he had images of her child and knew it, they would have contacted her to, at the very least speak to the children and let her know so she could get help for them.
 

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Wait...what??<br><br>
....so this "person" (a term I'm using very loosely here) violated your trust, opened the potential to hurt your children, and aided in the harming and exploitation of other innocent children, and...you have the potential to feel bad that you asked that he never contact you again?<br><br>
I'm being honest when I say that I don't understand the conflict. I read your post numerous times, but I really am at a loss.<br><br>
You would have been well within your rights to have sent him a very nasty, very hateful email.
 

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Sounds like my f-ing father, grrrrr. You were NOT wrong at all! I could go on and on and on but that wouldn't make a lot of sense. You were NOT wrong! Protecting our children is paramount, especially when offenders are pulling the wool over entire communities' eyes like this man you know and my father. We must speak out against this crap!<br><br>
ETA: And yes, you'd know by now if there were photos of your children.
 

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I think you were completely within your rights of sending that email. I would have sent something like that too I think.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>becoming</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it's fine that you said what you did. As others have said, you have nothing to feel remotely guilty about. The only thing I would be worried about at this point is him reading your e-mail & deciding to lash out at you before he's imprisoned. Why the heck would they be waiting until July to put him in jail to serve a sentence he's already been convicted of? I've never heard of that.</div>
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I really don't think he'll lash out. He's not a hateful/mean person. He's just sick in the head. Although you obviously never know a person do you.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>neetling</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384115"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">oh man. Can the police tell you if he had any images of your children? That freaks me out.<br><br>
I would have just never contacted him again, but I understand your impulse.</div>
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The pictures that they said he had was pornographic type...not just regular pics like I have up on FB. I couldnt just not contact him again bc he sends me emails(funny joke stuff) everyday. So I needed to tell him to erase me from his list completely. PLus I wanted to tell him how upset I was by his actions. I would hav enever guessed in a million+ years that *HE* of all people could have done this.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CookieMonsterMommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384266"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wait...what??<br><br>
....so this "person" (a term I'm using very loosely here) violated your trust, opened the potential to hurt your children, and aided in the harming and exploitation of other innocent children, and...you have the potential to feel bad that you asked that he never contact you again?<br><br>
I'm being honest when I say that I don't understand the conflict. I read your post numerous times, but I really am at a loss.<br><br>
You would have been well within your rights to have sent him a very nasty, very hateful email.</div>
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Well, I guess I was asking more of was this appropriate for me to tell him how I felt, bc in all reality, other than him being around us this past Dec, this had nothing to do with me. So after I sent it, I wondered if I went to far. But I guess not.... LOL.<br><br><br>
Thank you everyone for making me feel better about this. The reason why I posted this thread to ask is bc (and PLEASE DO NOT BASH my mom, bc she REALLY does have a heart of gold) I sent my mom what I sent J, and she said "really wouldn't have done that"....and I'm confused as to why. I haven't spoken to her about it yet, so I'm not sure what she meant as to why not. She doesnt really speak out to tell people her feelings in these kinds of situations, but I do.<br><br>
Thank you everyone again!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry, this kind of thing is so scary and definitely rocks your world. We had something similar happen with an acquaintance, not even someone we knew well, but we had gone to a birthday party with just a few other people at their house after he had been charged (so his wife knew) but before we knew. I don't want her children to suffer for the dad's actions, but maybe have a little party without him or maybe in a public place!!!!!! I can only imagine what this feels like with more of a friend. You did nothing wrong, your reaction was appropriate for you.
 

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I can't think of any reason for you to keep in contact with him.
 

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I have nothing to offer that hasn't already been said. I am so sorry this has happened.<br><br>
I don't think you should feel any sort of negative feelings about your email. I would probably not have been as gentle as you were.<br><br>
Your in my thoughts.
 

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You handled the situation and yourself with grace and more gentleness than I could ever had. I understand you needing to say something and you did it well.<br><br>
I wouldn't contact him again and I'm sure there is a way for you to block any emails that would come from the known email address you have for him.
 
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