Mothering Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
386 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So I've gotten into a fight with a friend of mine since kindergarten. Basically a little over a month ago I borrows some fish supplies for my injured fish. I borrowed an air bubbler and aquarium salt because my fish had sustained some pretty bad injuries after being trapped under a rock all night. We put him in a small hospital tank so he could recover safely and with out chance of infection from the main tank.<br><br>
One day 2 weeks ago my husband comes back from work asking if I had gotten in touch with my friend because she had called him at work saying her fish was sick and she couldn't get in contact with me. My husband said he told her he'd try calling me and the land line but that he got no answer so if she needed me she should just stop by because I'm probably home. I realized i had not heard my phone at all that day and checked my messages, and sent her a message saying I'm sorry I just now found out you were trying to reach me and that she could drop in and pick up the salt and bubbler at anytime.<br><br>
I didn't hear anything from her so the next day I called again no answer. The third day I called to let her know that I was going grocery shopping but that I'd be back in the house and that I'd call her when i got in in case she wanted to drop by. When i got home I still hadn't heard from her. I called to say if she'd rather I'd drop it off at her house or work i could do so but that she should just let me know. There were all voicemail. No reply at all. Days pass. Nothing at all.<br><br>
I figured she had solved her issue in some other way.<br><br>
Last night she shows up at the bottom of my steps crying tears of anger, asking for her fish stuff. I told her I was surprised she still needed it as I had left multiple messages with her and that I had no replies. She told me her phone was out of minutes. I told her when she got more minutes she could check her messages and see the truth of what I was saying. She left very angry and sent me a text message this morning telling me how "For the record: a real friend would have just brought me the stuff after having heard that I had a sick fish"<br><br>
Background: I'm a SAHM with a 12 month old. We co sleep for naps so I'm in my house/ backyard 80 % of the day. It's not like I lock my door, and prior to this she would regularly stop by by just walking into my house and calling out for me. So I know she feels comfortable just popping in whenever. She lives with her mom who is a serious hoarder who does not respect her( my friends) personal things so I really didn't just want to leave it on her back porch or inside her door. As far as dropping it off at her work, she works at a small store that is not doing very well atm and she had told me that they were letting people go. I don't know what her hours are and the last time I was there with her she told me she didn't want to get in trouble for talking to friends. This is why I wanted confirmation of when to drop off the fish stuff.<br><br>
I'm still really hurt by her anger but honestly I'm trying to make sense of it. I really feel like I made a good faith effort to get her stuff back to her. Do you think there was more I should have done or said? I can't get why she's so angry, why she can't just see it as and unfortunate miscommunication. If anyone has any insight let me know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Do not carry around a lot of hurt over her anger.<br><br>
There was no way for you to know her phone was out of minutes. That said, if I were in your position, I would explain why you didn't bring over her stuff (you were waiting to hear from her), but I would also apologize for letting her down. Even though I don't think you were wrong, I also don't think this is worth ending a decades-long friendship. You don't need to win an argument with her right now. She is upset, and if an apology would help smooth things over, I would apologize.<br><br>
I predict that this will blow over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,508 Posts
Maybe she got so angry and worked up bc she didn't get your mssgs (her fault, not yours) and really thought you never got back to her, which to her meant that you didn't care. She was probably really distraught and was stuck in the mindset of what she assumed to be the situation.<br><br>
Give her a few days to think it over, she will probably realize that she was acting completely unreasonable. Then apologize for not taking the fish stuff over bc you were waiting to hear back from her.<br><br>
In a situation like this, over a friendship that has lasted so long, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, just that you both care enough to apologize and move on. You may need to be the one to take the next step bc she may feel really embarassed or still hurt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,116 Posts
Well, as I was reading your OP, I was thinking, "You know, you were the one who borrowed her stuff. You should be the one to return it, not expect her to come get it." But yeah, I see your point that she has irregular hours, you're home, she's comfortable walking in whenever, and you're not comfortable leaving her stuff at her place w/o her there. All makes sense to me. So assuming you said in your messages to her that you wanted to arrange to give her her stuff back, rather than expecting her to come and get her stuff, no, you did nothing wrong. It definitely sounds like she has a lot of stress in her life right now, though, so maybe cut her som slack and apologize even though technically you weren't wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,573 Posts
I would not let a fish come between a decades long friendship. Was this a really expensive fish that she lost? Maybe that sounds heartless for me to say, but I don't see why losing a fish would be worth losing a friend? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag"> In my opinion you did nothing wrong.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
45,396 Posts
I think you or your dh should have dropped the stuff to her asap after she spoke with your dh. Even leaving it on the doorstep/in the mailbox and leaving a note would have been okay. I think you owe her an apology.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,627 Posts
Hmm. I think, generally speaking, that if you borrow something, you are responsible for returning it. You knew she needed it, and while you did call, it was to tell her to try to come pick it up from you.<br><br>
If this is a friendship you want to save, my opinion is that you ought to get her some flowers, or bake cookies or something, and go to her house and tell her how sorry you are about the miscommunication and any damage you unwittingly caused. Maybe offer to pay for a new fish.<br><br>
I agree with the pp's that you shouldn't feel totally responsible for the fish, since you did call and try to make contact. But I think the kind and compassionate thing to do is to try to make amends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
386 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Ok, I'll try making cookies. I really do feel terrible.<br><br>
I really didn't think that dropping it off at her house without her home would have been a good idea, even in hindsight. When I say her mom is a hoarder I mean serious mentally ill about stuff. To the point where doors cannot open wider than a body turned sideways and my friend came over to my house with a concussion one day because a computer monitor fell on her head from one of her mother's piles. She has regularly told me how she looses things to her mom's vortex of things. I really feared that would be a bad plan.<br><br>
Also I forgot to mention we are a one car household and hubby works 12 hour shifts. (including weekends 2x a month) Which is a large part of why I am home almost the entire day and thought she could come over to pick it up.<br><br>
I guess though if I had responded immediately on that first day by running the stuff over it wouldn't have had a chance to escalate. I think I understand that. How long should I wait to call so that she has had a chance to cool off a little but not so long that she feels even more neglected?<br><br>
oh also as far as I know the fish are still alive. So send good thoughts their scaley way!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27,052 Posts
If it mattered that much to her, she should've at least checked by your place to see if you were home.<br><br>
Give it a week, contact her when you'd normally contact her and don't get too anxious if she isn't normal yet.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top