I know how lucky I am to have gotten an apprenticeship and with such an amazing woman. Still I question my decision every day. There are 3 main things freaking me out now. 1. We are in a very tight financial place and it is hard to be putting money out and not getting any back. I live 1.5 hours from my preceptor and drive there about 3 times a week. DH loses money because he's watching the kids and not working and I'm paying tons in gas. I feel like I'm making things even harder for my family. Also because I'm spending so much time on schoolwork and clinic I don't have time to make any money. 2. My kids are little and I'm away alot. I know they are okay, but I still feel guilty. 3. I can't believe the amount of pressure I feel being on call all the time. I totally underestimated how stressful it would be to always be ready to get up and go. Every day I think "I should just quit now". But this is my dream. I am so passionate about birth and especially homebirth. I have this amazing oppurtunity and I wonder if I'm just trying to sabatoge it. I worry all the time about how stressful I am making life for everyone and if I really have what it takes to do this. I guess what I want to know is if this is normal. Did anyone else freak at the beginning and now love what they are doing. Are these feelings a sign that I'm not cut out to be a midwife. Am I alone in this?Edited to add that I also am completely behind on schoolwork. I can't believe the amount of bookwork involved!