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SO I'm pregnant with my second. Only about 5-6weeks and I haven't called my OB. I don't want to. I had a hospital birth attended by a doula. I labored at home and was at 10cm when I walked into the hospital. It was very fast and dd was born 45 minutes after we walked into the hospital.<br><br>
I want to do a midwife attended homebirth this time around, but my dh is not on board. I want something he's comfortable with too, but if we could avoid the whole car ride that would be nice. And also I don't want to sleep in a hospital away from my dd. And I hated having all the nurses rushing around. I'm sure it was mostly because everything happend so fast but...<br><br>
So how do I go about convincing my dh? I have a couple recommendations for midwives.
 

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I didn't convince my DH until I was 36 weeks. I had been using an OB until 26 weeks and switched to a CNM. The CNM was too "medical" for me and said some things that alarmed myself and DH (like... I HAD to have the baby tested for PKU at 24 hours instead of after my milk came in or the hospital would call CPS on us <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> ).<br><br>
He knew I wanted a HB at 26 weeks but was too freaked out, so I "compromised" with a CNM- Hey a lot of women get lucky and find a "crunchy" CNM.<br><br>
Anyway, I was upset about the CPS thing and the antibiotics for GBS and a ton of other things and DH finally caved at 36 weeks and told me to find a HB MW. I found one by 37 weeks.<br><br>
He was completely convinced after we met with her and he was able to ask questions and get to know her a bit. He likes that he's more included on my care and etc.<br>
I recommend asking your DH if he would at least consider meeting with a MW and see how he feels about it. Do the research (HB is safer <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> ) and let him know how important HB is to you. He should be comfortable, but you are the one doing all of the work, KWIM?<br>
Hang in there. You have a LOT of time to convince him.<br>
Oh, and congrats!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I showed him the research I had done, and that convinced him. He knows how unhappy I was with our hospital birth last time, and knew we wanted something different this go round.<br><br>
After meeting our midwife, he had no doubts at all.
 

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Is he as concerned about your comfort as you are about his? I don't mean to sound cynical, but it bothers me that the hospital is always considered the default, and the one who wants to do the homebirth has to do the convincing. Oh well. One good place to start is to get him to read up on the research so that he understands that hospital management of birth is not particularly safe or evidenced-based. There are lots of sources for this information, but Henci Goer is usually where the lay-person starts. It will really help, too, for him to meet some midwives and have his questions answered.
 

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I did not have to convince my DH of anything. Actually he convinced me!! His sister has had 3 homebirths and before we even started dating(we were friends as teenagers) he told me about his sister's births. I thought she was looney <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bouncy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bouncy"> and told myself that I would never do that. Fast forward a few months to us starting to date and his sis asked me if I wanted to see her DD birth on video. I watched it and was changed forever. I saw my now neice being born into my MIL hands and it was magical. What really got me was how everyone in the room loved Sally and the first hands that touched her were ungloved and full of love and excitement to meet her. It was extremely powerful to me and I swore that I would have homebirths. I am a firm beliver that homebirth is safe and if you have a healthy pregnancy you should do it.<br><br>
As far as your DH goes I would just do lots of research to show him how safe it is and maybe even have him speak with some fellow homebirthers and midwives. Even watching a birth change the way someone views birth. Good luck.
 

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Other than my spouting off about this and that birth related, hospital vs. out of hospital, etc., my husband really knew nothing about either birth in hosp. or out of it. He knew I did not want the hospital for the second and he wasn't all that happy with the birth of our first in the hospital anyway.<br><br>
I found that having him meet the midwives and be able to ask whatever questions he had helped. He felt very comfortable with them, they answered his questions (some of them very silly!) with grace and ease and made him feel safe. The funny thing was when he looked over to me after hearing all I had been saying for years, now confirmed by an "expert" (midwife), and said, "oh, I guess you were right about that stuff!". Go figure.
 

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I have really strong, unpopular feelings about this sort of thing, so forgive me for expressing them! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I don't think it's anyone's business but yours where you choose to give birth, and that includes husbands, lovers, friends and family. A mammal needs to be comfortable and safe to birth well, and you are that mammal.<br><br>
It never entered my head to discuss where I was having our daughter with my (now) husband. I suppose many would see that as grossly inconsiderate but it's true it never occured to me. It has also never occured to me to ask him if he really is ok with having this one at home. Fortunately, I know he is, because he's been listening to me (a doula) prattle on about homebirth for years, and most of our friends' babies are born at home, so it isn't an issue anyway. But it's simply not anyone's decision but the lady's, as far as I'm concerned. If my spouse made an issue of it I would ask him seriously to consider whether he could be a positive presence at the birth, since a homebirth needs everyone 100% on board and believing in the safety and normalcy of birth. But I am a real bitch, and not everyone else is. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
Most women I know who have convincing to do have a hard time getting their spouses to read anything. I usually recommend you meet with as many homebirth midwives as possible so he can ask all kinds of questions. Often this decides the issue- if you find someone halfway professional the husband often becomes more excited about the homebirth than you would have imagined. So many people have an image of homebirth midwives as carrying a pair of scissors for the cord and that's it. When they have a chance to realize they are medical professionals who carry all kinds of equipment, drugs, etc- everything the birth center would have for you- and that they are medical professionals who have protocols for hospital transfer, and no interest in letting you or your baby die, people often see homebirth for the safe, reliable care that it is. Good luck!
 

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I had to convince dh that a homebirth would cost the same or less than a hospital birth! I had compromised on a CNM at a hospital, but as my pregnancy progressed I was less satisfied with her care. Too many pat "hospital policy" answers, rushed (and very late) appointments, and no guarantee that she would even be with me during my labor.<br><br>
So I did the math, made dh read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and told him all of my researched findings.<br><br>
And now he is very excited about our upcoming homebirth. As am I!
 

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I had to post on this thread...I have been having contractions every 10 minutes for about 3 days now, and I just convinced dh THIS MORNING that a homebirth would really be better!!! And amazingly enough, the baby started moving better and the contractions are now about 5 minutes apart. Go figure. (Amazingly enough, my best friend called me an hour ago and read the "caging your tigers" part of Birthing From Within...I bawled like a baby!)<br><br>
Anyway...I realized that I had never actually explained to him WHY it was so important to me. I had mentioned it, I had given him the research, I had nagged...but he always lumped it in as another one of the ways I'm getting more "weird and crunchy". It took him overhearing a conversation I was having with my best friend...telling her the things I'd never even thought to tell him...that did it.<br><br>
In all honesty, a father doesn't relive the births of his children the way the a mother does. My dh is an amazing father, and an amazing husband. And his first thought is ALWAYS how to make my life and the lives of our children better, easier, safer. To him, that means having people there to take care of me, drugs available during labor (he's seen me with an epidural and without one...he's convinced the epi was "easier" and therefore, better and safer), etc. But when I (finally) explained to him WHY I NEEDED a homebirth, why I mourned my other births, why I knew this was better FOR ME and the baby, he finally understood.<br><br>
He's still saying that he would be more comfortable in a hospital, and that if I need or want to go in, he'll take me...but he has come to the realization that if I don't want/need transfer, everything will be just fine at home.<br><br>
For him, it wasn't a matter of not knowing the whys and hows of a homebirth...he knows it's safer/better/wonderful. It was the "It's my job to protect my wife and child, and everyone knows that they are medically more protected if there is a staff of trained medical professionals in the same room" kind of thing. Once I convinced him that those same trained medical professionals were why I mourned and grieved over my other births, he was fine with it.<br><br>
(Which, BTW, is a good thing...because I was thoroughly prepared to have a baby first and THEN tell him I was in labor...at least now I don't have to figure out how to keep it a secret if he's at home during the process...)
 

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DH comes from a very mainstream background so he did require convincing if only to alleviate the fears his family kept throwing at him. Meeting our midwife was a BIG bonus as she was a friend of my family (she delivered my youngest brother 20 years ago) ...she was so relaxed about the birth process and answered all of his questions (he grilled her for the first hour LOL!!!) ...he could tell that she knew what she was talking about and he trusted her ( I would have preferred for him to trust in the birth process but maybe that was too big of a step for a firstchild).<br><br>
I also printed off all sorts of research documents for him to read whenever he became concerned about specific things.
 

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grnbn76 - it sounds like we are married to the same person <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
But DH isn't quite at the point yours is.<br><br>
At this point I've provided him lots of websites and articles to read about midwives and homebirths. He wasn't too keen on a midwife until he realized that they had to have a physician back up.<br><br>
We meet the midwife for the first time tomorrow - so I'm hoping he gets more and more comfortable with it. She actually practices out of a hospital, but also does a few homebirths a year. I'm going to let DH get used to meeting with her/comfortable with her and then start to introduce the idea of homebirth again.<br><br>
DH also has a past experience with his ex-wife of a very high risk medical birth - so I need to give him time to adjust to a more normal idea of birth.
 

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Has your dh said specifically why he's not ok with a homebirth? My dh said, quite generally, that he "wasn't sure about this homebirth thing" (mind you, I'm not even pg yet, I'm getting started on him early!!!). After I asked him several times for specifics, he admitted that the yuck factor is huge for him...as in blood/bodily fluids in our house, on our stuff. I told him that I'm sure someone at the birth would help clean up and that he wouldn't have to touch anything "gross". This calmed him down a bit about the whole thing. Now he's worried about complications, and I'll get into that when/if I get pg and when we find a homebirth midwife.<br><br>
I had my first baby in a hospital (epi, pit, the whole 9 yards...including a threatened c-section, a purple lifeless baby who had to be resussitated (sp?) and who spent 3 hours in special care away from mama). I had my second baby completely naturally in a medical center, attended by on OB who just let things happen. I had my third in a birth center, in the water, attended by a midwife...we went home 3 hours and 15 minutes after the birth (just enough time for Haley to nurse, which she did for the first hour and fifteen minutes of her life!, for me to take a shower and get a bite to eat, and to finish filling out the paperwork!). You'd think homebirth would be the next natural progression!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for all the replies, girls!<br><br>
I think mostly my dh is worried because I had a little trouble after the birth of our first. I tore enough to require stitches and I had a lot of bleeding. I was pretty anemic despite the prenatals and the iron supplements. I explained that a midwife would have pitocin, too (that's what they gave me to slow the bleeding and get my uterus to contract). I think we'll keep talking about it and see what happens. I know some of you feel it's up to the woman, but I would really like to include my husband in the decision. His concern is because he loves me. He also thinks I'm turning inot a crazy hippie, but that's another story <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">.<br><br>
As it stands now I called my OB, 'cause I'm overdue for my girly appt and I need a referall to a dermatologist and I'm going to interview a few midwives, as well. There's no big hurry, yet.
 

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I convinced (a very nervous) DF in the first trimester. I told him I would NOT birth in a hospital (he knows how tense they make me) and if I have to I will go live out of state the last month of my pregnancy for a birth center if he wouldn't agree to the homebirth... but that was during the height of his paranoia lol Basically I just had to show him that it was safe andit was the only way I was going to be comfortable and how important it is to me.
 

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my dh isn't concerned about my safety...he is concerned about the baby..we had a peaceful non interventive hospital birth for our first...so he doesn't see why i'd like to do anything differently. he's not opposed to it but his words were "if anything happened to our baby BECAUSE you were home..i would want to blame you"...not a negative way...just because it was my decision. any advice? what books do i need to read? where did you research?
 

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Meyer Eisenstein's (sp) Home Birth Advantage is an excellent book because he is an obstetrician who believes in and attends homebirths. There was a Mothering cover story about his birth center/homebirth practice a couple of years ago. He does not talk much about licensed midwives and so a lot of very natural-minded people do not care for his book; I think it's great because he is a doctor and that gives him a lot of credibility with people who might otherwise be quite closed-minded.<br><br>
I have attended some beautiful hospital births as a doula and yet, having had my babies out of hospital, one at a truly independent birth center and one at home, I must say the difference is phenomenal. A hospital birth is still not home. There are reasons you are simply safer- medically!- at home and if these were pointed out to people more folks would realize it isn't just because we have this selfish desire for a hippy dippy candles and incense birth. We are safer at home!
 

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how is it medically safer for a baby (besides b/c there aren't interventions)..i mean if something immediately after the birth is wrong...that you couldn't predict...how is that safer...i guess that's the question my dh is asking.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>rubysmomjess</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So how do I go about convincing my dh? I have a couple recommendations for midwives.</div>
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Both of you should interview each midwife.Tell him to make a list of questions.Tell him that he needs to work through his fears.You did it his way the first time.This time you are having a homebirth. I wasn't as *nice * with my dh.I pretty much told him,"There is no way in hell I am birthing in a hospital." I went on to birth our first (9.6 pounds) UC. Dh handled the birth well.Second time around he was still feaky about it so I hired a hands off midwife to service his needs,lol.He did fine that time too. If we are ever blessed with more kids I am sure he would still want an OB/HOSPITAL birth(with him in the waiting room),but I just have to accept that(and him me).I would be seriously damaged emotionally if I ever had to birth in a hospital outside of obvious medical need.<br>
Many dh's are convinced once they speak with a mw and realise they have the expertise(sp) and equipment to handle complications.Shoot,bfing was harder for me thanbirthing ever was!<br>
Best wishes on convincing him,but don't give up even if you don't.<br>
Sara
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>juliebelle</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">my dh isn't concerned about my safety...he is concerned about the baby..we had a peaceful non interventive hospital birth for our first...so he doesn't see why i'd like to do anything differently. he's not opposed to it but his words were "if anything happened to our baby BECAUSE you were home..i would want to blame you"...not a negative way...just because it was my decision. any advice? what books do i need to read? where did you research?</div>
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Babies die in hospitals as well as at home.Do we blame those who choose the hospital?No.Probably like we don't blame those who vaccinate and suffer loss as opposed to non-vaccinators.<br>
What about the traumatic births many mothers suffer through in a hospital birth(and sometimes with nasty mw's at home)? What about their turmoil and pain? I spent months reading birth trauma stories during my first pregnancy.Maybe he should read some.It is unreal what women go through and then are told,"Get the **** over it already since you have a healthy baby."<br>
There is also the serious risk or disease exposure in hospitals.<br>
Mw's can handle complications,and they know when to transfer.<br>
Sara
 
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