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I'm just curious...

I lost my daughter at 41 weeks due to a heart defect that we had no idea she had. Prior to this, I had an uneventful and healthy pregnancy. I had the usual baby showers when the due date was nearing, and was getting more and more excited to see and hold my first baby. But I realize now that I never truly "saw" myself with this child. I can chalk up a lot of this to first-time-mom stuff, but I swear deep down somehow I just "knew". There are things I just didn't prepare for like I should have--baby clothes I didn't jump into buying, etc... When I lost her I was devistated, but there was this faint voice inside me saying "see, I told you." I spoke with my friend Karen about this, and she told me that when her sister saw me at 5 months, she didn't see me with this baby either. I've talked to the hospital social worker about this as well, and she said that she hears this more often that one would guess. Did any of you feel this way?

And by the way, I am hopefull and see myself with a baby in the future
 

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I thought my baby was a girl. I kept having boy baby dreams, but when I "saw" myself with a baby it was always a girl. This was very odd because we couldn't come up with any girl baby names we liked.

I was so excited about having another baby. I was really shocked when he turned out to be a boy. I wish beyond anything that I had him here with me, but I really didn't "see" myself with a baby boy... I don't know if that qualifies or not. I did picture myself wearing a baby in my sling, enjoying family events like my sister's wedding with the new little one, so I definitely did see myself with a baby in that way.

A couple months ago I was unable to sleep and as I was lying awake a beautiful girl baby name just sort of came to me. It's unusual, but beautiful, and captures perfectly the way I would feel about welcoming a new baby to our family. I was not sure if DH would like it, because of our past experiences of not finding a name we agreed on. As soon as I told him, he said it was fine with him, he liked the name, and even came up with a nickname he would use.

So, I do still sometimes "see" myself with a baby girl in the future. I know it is not likely we would lose another one, but I still have some fears. I don't want to go through pregnancy and birth again with no baby to keep at the end. I don't think I could survive it again.
 

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Yes, this baby talked to me all the time, telling me she would not live. I just lost her a few days ago. I have yet to post my birth story. But I tell you, I thought about her being born to die ALL the time. From the time I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant. I would say, why am I am making this, oh, to bury her in it. Things like that. I just knew. So wierd. Knowing, however does not make it any eaiser. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Oh, I also wanted to add, that this forum was calling to me my entire pregnancy & I avoided it like the plague. Now I know why, I guess this is my new home for awhile.
 

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This is so interesting. I also pictured a girl, like Kitty Kat and was shocked to find out it was a boy. I also pictured all these future events with a baby but wondered if I might lose my second baby just like my own mom did. My sister and my son both died when they were 7 weeks old, totally strange and 2 different causes.

This isn`t something I share often because its really weird, but my midwife is also a hypnotherapist and she hypnotized me a week before my son was born. She had me walking through all these rooms in my mind and I was supposed to end up calmly in this soothing green room where all the answers were. I popped right out of hypnosis because I was terrified, all I saw was the NICU. And thats where I spent the next 7 weeks.
 

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Interesting topic...one I have not shared my answer to with anyone before.

My first pregnancy was a loss at 4mo. I delivered him, but my grieving was mostly done the weekend before....I remember walking with a skip in my step on the way to the appointment where I learned of his death...it was weird...I didn't feel pregnant and somehow I *knew* that I wasn't. I never really saw myself with a child then either. I didn't cry as I stared at the silent, still u/s machine. I knew.

I did get pg before my first AF cycle returned, and now have a healthy 21MO son..but I am confident, deep down, that our experience of loss together helped deepen our marriage and prepare us to be wonderful, loving and appreciative parents. I am 30wks pg now and have some anxiety, but simply refuse to believe that this too could end....freaking myself out a bit really.

A side note: I saw Northern Lights for the first and only time in my life, the weekend while I waited for my Monday morning appt to deliver him - I *knew* that they were a sign of my next healthy pregnancy - and the angel that would watch over the next child to enter our home.
 

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This is so weird, but I had a similar feeling. I kept thinking that this pregnancy wouldn't last. It was so strange since I had had 3 normal healthy pregs. before, so I tried to convince myself it was my mind playing tricks on me. Then on the way to the appointment that we found out we had lost the baby, I kept thinking I was really glad my dh was with me. Originally he wasn't going to come, but I talked him into it. I told him I wanted him to hear the heartbeat, but in my heart, I knew something was wrong and needed him with me.
 

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My situation is a little different, and I hope you'll forgive me for posting here even though I did not lose my son at birth. But I think it is so fascinating how our children can alert us to problems, to prepare our hearts for what we will have to endure in the future, and I wanted to share a piece of my story. My son was diagnosed with a terminal illness at 17 months old. On some level, I knew it was coming. For months I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen (I kept thinking I was going to be diagnosed with cancer, I went to the doctor 5 times for odd little bumps and pains in the months before his diagnosis). Also my DH was crazy with the camera and video cam, taking pictures and video of DS all the time. I recall thinking on more than one occasion how this footage would be comforting if something happened to him. Just strange thoughts like that coming out of the blue.

Peace and blessings to you all.
 

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It is weird even to talk about it, but I think I can relate. I didn't have a specific vision or thought, but a lot of the feelings you all are talking about here come to mind. Somehow, sometimes I feel I am living a life I knew about already... hard to explain. I'm not making too much sense of my self, as it's 2:30 in the morning and my brain is on stand-by, but I knew I had to post here when I read the thread title.

D'Anne, I just visited Jackson's website, he is so handsome! his eyes are beautiful and full of life, here's hoping for a full recovery
 

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It is strange that you bring this up. I felt the same way. Not during the whole pregnancy, but towards the end. One morning I just woke up thinking "I am not going to bring this baby home." That was just before I got sick. I pushed the thought away, but I think it was Arawyn's way of telling me she was leaving.

Conversley I have a very strong sense that this baby will be alright. I feel very peaceful about this pregnancy. Looking back I never had a sense of peace with Arawyn's pregnancy, I just didn't expect anything bad to happen.
 

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This happened to me as well with our first born, sweet Sierra. We had spent awhile looking for a good babysitter for her to go to when I would return to work. I interviewed a few different sitters and found one we were very comfortable with and she had been watching our neighbor's children for 3 years so we knew we could trust her. However, I could never envision myself taking her to the sitter as a part of my morning routine. I began to think it meant that this lady wasn't really a good fit for our family and that we should look into a different sitter. Now I believe it was a small way of my subconscious preparing me for her death.
 

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This happened to me. I was pregnant with my second, my hubbys first. I never felt right. I made weird little comments. I had a baby shower but never got any of the baby stuff ready. I bought my homebirth supplies, but it was just packed in a box sitting in the bedroom.
My water broke early, and I didnt go into labor for 3 days, and even during that time, I never set up any baby stuff. All the clothes were packed in boxes.

Yes, some how I knew. He died at 3 weeks old due to a birth defect. My mom even pointed out later she noticed the odd things I did during pregnncy, but never said anything till after.
 

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With the baby we lost last year (8w 4d) I began asking every human being I could possibly find to pray for this pregnancy. Man I knew with that one, I didn't believe that God would intercede for me alone and I needed every single strong prayer warrior (and anyone else) to pray for the pregnancy, I was an emotional wreck the entire pregnancy and for months afterward.

This time I felt peace almost from the moment I found out I was pregnant. My relationship with the Lord is entirely different and much stronger. I just felt a lot of comfort and felt Him reminding me every day that He would be there with me if this baby didn't make it and His plan was bigger than mine. I can't tell you how many days I reminded myself that every day with this baby was a blessing. He was definitely preparing my heart for the loss of this baby. Now maybe I'm waiting for grieving but I've only cried a total of a week or less and it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I lost the baby (10w) and 3 1/2 weeks since I found out I would lose it. I do remember feeling very uncomfortable telling a friend that I was feeling pretty good - that day actually turned out to be the one that the baby died on.

I don't know, all I know is that my heart and mind were prepared this time and I credit that to the Lord. I'm really hoping that we'll be pregnant again extremely quickly and that we'll be able to deliver the next baby, it's too hard to think of going through this again.. even with the peace I have.
 

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I knew from the moment I had a positive pregnancy test that something was just not right with my third daughter. The entire pregnancy I felt something was just so different. I had dreams that showed me, and I had constant thoughts of my baby not making it. I was very drawn to the loss forums as well. I felt she was only half with me, and had a very hard time feeling connected to her, like I did with my other babies.
Blessing to all our angels.
Brandi
 

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oh, mamas - how our children connect to us ...

I, also, just knew that we would not be raising our Jacob. I had baby things ready and all, but couldn't envision ourselves with a child. A week before he was born still I had a ... sending, I guess you could call it, where I experienced a newborn baby with very old eyes looking at me sooooo intently. I thought the baby was saying "hello" but after he died while I was in labor I realized he had been saying "goodbye". That was actually very comforting to me after he was born.

With our second child I never had a moments doubt that he would stay with us. Not one. And here he is, almost 6 years later.

We had a miscarriage next and at five weeks pregnant, I dreamed the baby was a little black bird that flew away because it couldn't nurse, and I heard myself say "that was a girl". And then, right away I had this image of a beautiful, smiling, buddha baby, all round and dimply sitting and looking at me and I heard myself say "at least we have our two boys" The baby we lost at 12 weeks would have been a little girl who wasn't "normal" and 1 year later we had our second boy, as dimply as they come.

I've had more messages from my children, more losses, and am so amazed that I have had help and comfort from all this sorrow.

Blessings on all of you and your babies.

Barbara
 

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With all my pregnancies I would ask (myself? God?) if everything was OK. With Benjamin I kept having the feeling that the answer was "No", but I kept asking waiting for the answer I wanted. The day before I found out he'd died I walked into the resale store and saw some cloth diapers really cheap, but the thought enetered my head "You won't need them" so I walked out without buying them. All day the thought that he was dead kept intruding and by that night I KNEW, although my MW would not confirm it until the next day.
 

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I somehow knew as well. I got pregnant unexpectedly and cried for days because I felt so overwhelmed. We went on a big trip overseas to see family. As a matter of fact we pretty much saw all of our very scattered family during that trip, and we never told anyone.
I had a dream of a baby boy during our stay at a hostel, and that must have been when he died. A week later, I had a dream that I started bleeding, I woke up relieved. I remember standing in a store in front of the maternity section thinking I should get something as things here in Germany are really expensive and I had given everything away after the birth of my dd. I never even tried anything on although I didn't fit into my regular cloths anymore.
I never really connected with the baby when I was pregnant, never acknowledged him. I felt that I had 'wished' him away. Guilt krept up. But now I think that I subconsciously knew he would be with me for 10 weeks only. Still, he fullfilled two of my dearest wishes, and he tought me a huge deal about life.
 

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I had all sorts of weird feelings during Harlan's pregnancy. I wondered why I felt so detatched. When he was implanted (or about that time) I was taking a walk with my younger boy and when i crossed over the big bridge on the main drag, a crow landed on the railing in front of us. It didn't move when we passed within inches of it. It stared at us intently and after we had passed, it flew away. That was the only time I ever saw any type of sign and I realized it wasn't a good one.
It doesn't make this loss any easier. It makes it worse actually.

With Hank's pregnancy, I was extremely attached, even when I started bleeding and things got bad. I saw all sorts of signs for him in nature when I was pregnant. I had a crow talk to me in the distance when we were camping at the ocean, I had an eagle talk to me at the zoo. There was a lunar eclipse the week before he was born. And on the day he was born, some of the biggest solar flares that had ever been recorded were happening, the biggest just 10 minutes after he was born.

I know this topic has been put to rest for awhile but I wanted to answer. Thanks.
 

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When I lost our baby in April of this year. I was not at peace with this pregnancy. I would check myself all the time to make sure that I wasn't spotting or bleeding with this baby. I never really took the time to enjoy, as I was in a total panic something would go wrong with this baby. It did one day while I was cleaning the bathroom around the toilet on my knees. When I got up I started to spot. I freaked out with knowing something was definitely wrong with this baby, even though I wanted this baby so bad. I called the midwives and an OB they just said to be calm and wait it out it could be nothing. Nothing! I knew I was losing this baby and no one in the medical field would believe me. I finally went on the bedrest for a day. The next day I called the OB and begged to come in.
 
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