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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My almost 3 year old ds has been increasingly aggressive since my husband and I separated a month and a half ago. This past week he has also been violent and attacking his friends totally unprovokoed. Today, he took a toy piano by the handle, you know the hard plastic kind that's about a foot long, and went up to a friend at playgroup and smacked her across the face with it, sending her flying to the ground.<br><br>
I am at a total loss. Things have been stressful and I know he's reacting to that so I have been trying to keep to a fairly normal routine, thinking that would help. He just seems to have a hard time with a group but is wonderful one-to-one. I am just so sad that he is having a hard time and reacting like this. Maybe I should just keep a low profile a while and just make it him and me without any friends for a while so he can have more of my time. I guess I just thought being with friends would be helpful but it seems to be stressing him out more.<br><br>
I'm sure others have dealt with this and I'd love suggestions.<br>
Thank you,<br>
Lynn
 

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My ex and I seperated when DS had just turned 3. DS was okay for a little while, but when he realized that things were actually going to stay this way, he became pretty aggressive, too, even with me. Also, nighttime was the worst. He was soooo difficult to get to sleep...sometimes I'd fall asleep before he would. I wish I had a magic answer to give you, mama. I really do.<br><br>
The only thing I can say is just give him lots of love and try to remember that you're an adult and things are (I'm assuming) really stressful and difficult for you, even. Imagine what it must seem like to him. I know you realize all of this already, though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I do think it probably is a good idea to take a break from playgroup for a little while. He can always go back when he's feeling up to it.<br><br>
Just remember that things will calm down eventually. He will adjust, and he will most likely thrive and once again enjoy playing with other kids. Right now he probably just needs lots of reassurance and special times with his mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
hoppytoad<br><br>
thanks for sharing your story. it sounds familiar. ds is also waking up for hours at a time at night right now as well. you always hear about kids reacting this way but when you see it in your child for the first time it's pretty shocking. he's always been really easy going for the most part.<br><br>
on a good note, we ran into the little girl he hurt yesterday at a park today, totally by accident. they had a few choice words and mean looks for each other and then before you knew it they were off playing like the best of friends. they even hugged and kissed when they said goodbye!<br><br>
kids. always surprising.<br><br>
thanks for your post hoppytoad. i take it things have gotten better with your son?<br><br>
Lynn
 

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i think you just need to remember that children have almost zero coping skills when it comes to any type of stress. i'm dealing with the same thing although for now, the behavior is the same. he hasn't moved out yet but we're not even on speaking terms. we don't communicate at all. he interacts minimally with the children. it is hard for me to be happy and make rational decisions.
 

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i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. i'm on the verge of crying all the time. i am on anti-depressents. dh has stopped talking to me. no communication. he has told me he wants to leave me and it is sinking in. the person who i believed i would be with forever does not want to be with me. In the meantime i'm applying to private high schools for ds alone and that is difficult. i have to lie and say dh is not in the country because there is no way he will accompany me to interviews. My life is a total mess. my question is how in Gods' name do i do this, i mean when a crisis is happening in my family ,, how do i parent?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
jannan,<br>
I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now and I've been there with the same feelings you've had too. To be honest, things improved considerably after husband left the house. At least you don't have to deal with the physical presence then, even though you are still an emotional wreck.<br><br>
The one thing that has helped me is friends. Honest friends. Friends who will take ds for a few hours when I honestly can't cope and let me get myself together. Friends who have told me that it's okay to let your kids see that you are sad, but not out of control. I used to think I had to do it all myself, but when I opened myself up to my friends and they realized the severe amount of stress I was under, they really stepped up and played and still are playing an active role in helping me cope day to day. If i feel like I'm going to lose control over my emotions totally, I call someone and they come get ds. Those times are getting fewer and fewer.<br><br>
In fact over the last week I've really come to terms with the situation and am starting to feel a measure of peace that comes with the acceptance of any situation that can't be changed or controlled. I've actually been happy and smiling more. In fact, my ds, who is not yet 3, said to me the other day, "mom, you're really becoming a different person." well, crap, if my little ds even notices things like that then I feel eventually things will be okay and hopefully even better.<br><br>
I feel like the communication will come eventually with your dh. My dh and I didn't talk for the first two weeks except to figure out times for visitation. then things exploded and were a total mess for a month. And I mean a real mess. At one point I was actually afraid dh would take ds and leave the state with him. Luckily that didn't happen and now things are more calm. I'm not saying I like him anymore, but I can deal with him because I know that once I do, it will be a while before I have to deal with him again.<br><br>
So, the only advice I can give you is to call on family and friends and don't do this alone.<br>
good luck.<br>
Email me if you need. <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a>
 

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lynn_n.....<br><br>
I'm glad to hear your son and his friend are playing better again. Yes, things have gotten better for my son. It took a while, though, and I also had to be diligent on keeping a steady bedtime routine. You know, everything done in the same order and all that. It really helped a lot....I don't know why I didn't think of telling you that earlier.<br><br>
He's also being better since I met someone new and he's really warming up to him. Of course, my boyfriend and I took a really long time getting to know each other before we introduced our respective children to one another. You might not even want to think about that right now, but if/when the time comes for someone new in your life....it actually seems to be a good thing for the kids, rather than a new source of stress, just as long as the parents are responsible about it.<br><br>
Edited to add that I realize that some blended families have a difficult time meshing, and at times this has nothing to do with how aware of the kids' feelings they were or how slowly they took things. Didn't want to offend anyone there. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Okay, sorry...I know you didn't ask for any of that advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Just know that I'm thinking of you and your son, and hoping that both of you have peace in your lives very soon.
 

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My partner and I are talking about seperating and I know it is affecting our daughter. I haven't told her we are talking about this... however she can easily sense the change in moods when he comes home.<br>
One thing that has worked for me is giving her a safe space to let out feelings. We do this mostly through talking where I will notice she sad/angry/whatever and ask her about it. Usually she will say yes she is and start talking about it which leads to crying or asking me questions which I do try to answer.<br>
I have found that waiting for her to bring it up is much more effective- in fact she seems confused when I initiate this type of conversation.<br>
One book that has helped me is "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so you kids will talk."
 
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